€¦And They (Sort of) Lived Happily Ever After
This weekend we were driving home from our monthly trip to BJ’s when Chris said, “I wish we could go to the driving range today.” I smiled and said that, yeah, today was a beautiful day to be outside. But we both knew that we groceries to get home, a yard to mow, a Bean to feed, laundry to do, a house to clean….and the list goes on.
We drove a little further in silence and then Chris said, “We never get to do anything anymore.”
I didn’t respond, but as I sat there I got madder and madder at Chris. Him not being able to go play golf had absolutely nothing to do with the baby. We had chores to do and Sunday afternoon things to take care of. Sure, we’ve had to pass up some things since the Bean’s been here, but golf isn’t one of them. Its not like before the Bean was here, Chris and I lived to play. And yet, Chris’ first reaction was that he wasn’t able to have fun because we have a baby.
So, I seethed on that for a few hours. And then I seethed on that a few more hours. But later in the afternoon, my seething turned to a dull simmer and I was able to actually form thoughts about what he was saying.
In truth, he’s right.
We haven’t been able to do anything that we used to do for fun since the Bean’s been here. Our favorite sushi restaurant is a tiny hole in the wall and it is too small to fit a baby seat at the table. Several movies have come out that we’ve wanted to see, but we aren’t comfortable quite yet with a babysitter and so we have had to miss those. We used to spend summer weekends down in New York in Central Park, but we haven’t been to the city in months.
So, he’s right. And you know what? That doesn’t make him a bad person or a unkind father to say that. He was being honest. And, if I was honest about it, too, I would have agreed with him.
When I was pregnant, most of the conversations Chris and I had about being parents revolved around our desire to keep things the same. We wanted to live the same life we always had, just with a little person hanging out with us. In a lot of ways, we’ve been able to do that. We still live the same life we used to live…mostly. But it would be insincere and dishonest to say that we haven’t been limited at all. I mean, how many Target trips have I given up because Beanie was with me and threatened to tell Chris? Big mouth Bean.
The funny thing is that at the same time we are going through these little adjustments in activities, Chris and I are going through some changes, too. My priorities have totally and completely shifted since I’ve had the Bean. Before him, work was a huge priority for me. I was always available – weekends, evenings, holidays. I had my Blackberry within arms reach wherever I went. I came in early and usually stayed late. Now, I still take pride in my work. I still have that strong work ethic, but it has been really different being back in the office these past two weeks. I am actually a more laid back person now – at home and at work. Things that used to stress me out and stay on my mind for days just aren’t given that much attention now. I am able to get over things and move on faster than I ever have before. And I don’t take things as personally now.
I’ve changed. And I think that’s because I live and work to come home now. Before, I worked for an identity. So that when people said, “What do you do?” I had an answer. Now, I work so that I can buy diapers and bath toys and save for Bean’s college. Work has become the means to an end. I still love my job and especially the people that I work with, but at the end of the day I go home. Physically AND mentally now.
That change in myself is something that carries through now in everything I do. Including what I do and don’t do with the Bean. I’m okay with not seeing every movie that comes out. I’m okay with giving up a last minute weekend getaways. I’m okay with eating dinner at home every night. I’m okay with these things because I’ve changed. And some days, like Chris, I have weak moments where I just want to go for a walk by myself or sit down and read a book. Some days, I just want to go to the driving range. And that’s alright. That’s okay. I’m not a bad mom for thinking that because I know that as my life has changed over the past few months, I have changed, too.
I also know that it won’t be like this forever. Soon, Beanie will be able to get up and go with us like a champ. But for now, he’s a little guy. Soon though he’ll be right there with us at the driving range or the movies. We move at his pace right now and that has had some surprising side effects. We go slower, which means we notice different things now. We aren’t flying by the details anymore. Nothing makes you stop and smell the roses more than a baby, in my opinion. And we’ve been smelling those roses for months now and they smell lovely.
So, Chris is right. We’ve had to give some things up for the time being. But compared to what we’re learning about ourselves and the joy that we get from smelling the roses with Beanie, an afternoon on the driving range is really just an afterthought.
27 Comments
Erin
Thank you so much for this post. I just love your perspective – taking thing at their pace for now. I go in and out fo the same phases – being THRILLED to be a mom and at home to just wanting to BE ALONE and do what I WANT TO DO. I’m dealing with the selfishness as it comes, but your post was timed perfectly to help me through a low point. Thank you 🙂 And Beanie always makes me smile – I just love that hair 🙂
Dana
You are so right. There are times that I relish a shower because I am alone and (usually) no one bothers me. But I can also say that now that my oldest “baby” started to Kindergarten, I cannot believe how lonely the house feels without her all day. Being a mommy can be so tough sometimes because we are always torn.
Mandy
I’m constantly struggling with the decision about whether or not to procreate. Here you’re talking about one of the parts of parenthood that I find most terrifying. My husband and I aren’t even adventurous, but we’re awfully selfish. Also, I get really mad when someone or something screws up my plans.
The thought of not being able to take a nap or sit around and watch Golden Girls for hours, or go to all three Gap stores in town to find a particular item sounds awful to me.
Last week, we decided to forego happy hour at our favorite Mexican restaurant to stay at home with our dog during a bad thunderstorm. I love the dog with my heart and soul, and he is much more important to me than cheap tequila, but I was still pretty bitter that I didn’t get to fulfill my plan of enjoying two-for-one margaritas.
And a baby, of course, is much more of a game-changer.
Most parents I know seem to believe that all of the sacrifices are worth it, but for myself, I’m doubtful. I’m scared that I’m too selfish and that I’d resent my kid for making me adjust my lifestyle. And then I’d completely screw up a human baby.
At what point does the mellowing occur? How do you know that you’re not too selfish?
Hilary
Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking . . . sorry, just couldn’t help it! The truth is, you don’t know that you’re not too selfish. After my husband and I had our baby girl, we were overwhelmed with all of the changes, exhaustion, lack of independence and the terrifying knowledge that we were responsible for our daughter’s very survival. We both came to realize how truly selfish we were. We whined, we complained, we grumbled and all the while, everyone kept telling us how lucky we were to have such a beautiful baby girl. One day we looked at each other and asked “Are we really that selfish? Are we whining way too much?” But the truth is, like Katie pointed out, it’s okay to have those moments as Chris did where you long for the freedom of before-baby. It’s normal. It makes sense. Oh and believe me, there are days (especially in the beginning) where you will really question if it is worth it – I did. But then you see your baby smile and you hear her laugh and you feel her little arms wrap around your neck and squeeze you tight for no apparent reason and you go “Yep, totally worth it.” But in the meantime, enjoy your dog and your freedom and when you’re ready, take a deep breath and go for it! (Sorry for the length, I just totally jumped at the “selfish” comment!)
Mandy
Thanks for the reply. Hopefully it’ll work out that way, if, of course, we ever decide to branch out from furry children to human ones.
For now, though, I’ll take your advice. I’ll cuddle on the couch with the pup and have the husband turn on some True Blood or Friday Night Lights (two of our latest guilty pleasures).
Betsy
My husband and I went through the same thing and I honestly don’t think we would have started trying to have a baby at this moment in our lives. However, God had different plans and we became pregnant, which was a HUGE suprise to us! At first we questioned ourselves everyday. Now we just look at each other and realize what a huge blessing this little boy is and smile. But thank heavens for babysitters and grandmas!!!! Allows you to have those “tequila sunrise” moments!
Katie
Gosh, Mandy, you sound just like me! I bet we’d be friends and we would just sit around watching Golden Girls and drinking margaritas all the time! 🙂
I felt just like you did before I got pregnant. I loved living my life and I think that is what held me back from wanting babies. Why would I want to change a life that was going so great? And, as I said, I do have moments now that the Bean is here where I think, “Gosh, this would be so much easier if I didn’t have a baby!” But those times are actually very rare and (I hope) very normal. The fact that I can make sacrifices for someone else just goes to show that ANYONE can because I am as selfish as they come! But that’s also what gives me such a sense of pride in being a mom. I’m proud of myself for being able to go outside my comfort zone. I’m proud of myself for being able to put someone else first all the time. And so when I have those low points where I just want to eat a gallon of ice cream in peace, dang it, I know that that doesn’t mean I’m a selfish person. It just means I’m human. I think selfishness is just part of our nature. But babies have a wonderful way of helping keep it in check.
Thanks for the comment!
Alyssa
Mandy, you definitely put into words what I’ve been feeling and thinking like crazy lately. I even posted about it a little bit the other day. I already feel guilty for wanting to go out and have fun on the weekends, and I don’t even have a baby yet! What scares me the most is knowing that before my loss this year, I was due to be a mom this summer. It hardly crossed my mind that I wasn’t ready at the time, but in retrospect, was a making a mistake? I’m super afraid of screwing my future children up because of my independence and spontineity!
Mandy
Alyssa,
That’s exactly the fear! I don’t want to screw up a person because of my self-centeredness or shortcomings. I don’t want to create a human who’s sitting in a therapist’s office in twenty years complaining about me.
Lots of people tell me that it’s the ones who worry about being good parents who end up being the best parents, but I think they’re just being nice.
Yet, I suppose people just adapt, and do what they have to do to make their lives work. Hopefully, anyway.
Hillary
I love how you are always able to think things through and see things from your husband’s perspective. Since I’ve started reading your blog (which I love btw!)I’ve been trying to be better at that myself. It’s such a great attitude to have in life and I admire you for it!
Katie
I’m not great at it yet and it takes a lot of concentration and self control for me to not just yell out, ‘YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS!’ most of the time. But when I think things through, usually we BOTH come out feeling better about things. Its the darn self control part that gets me! 🙂 – Katie
Liz, JM, and Leo
Sweet post Katie! Things do change… and then they keep on changing because your Bean keeps growing (and then you have a new Bean maybe) – all sorts of wonderful seasons of our lives (and marriages) to live through. And they all have their joys and challenges. Enjoy the season. And then get that babysitter and go see those movies you’ve been wanting to see!
As for that Sushi restaurant – can’t help but comment here because sushi is very important – what about taking the Bean in a sling? Would he tolerate that? I hate to see you two go without :).
Love!
Liz
TeamHaynes
I’m sure every parent goes through those moments! You are not alone I’m sure. We don’t have kids but there are some days when we talk about how nice it would be or have a kid around. Then we realize we have a LONG way to go and babies will come later. For now we are enjoying our time but just know that there are some people that would love to be in your situation right now 🙂
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Katie, I was the same way with work pre-baby. I dedicated a lot of time to my career as a scenic artist. It was and is a large part of who I am. I had a very intense schedule at Yale (working on 16 shows a season) on top of taking any freelance work I could get–and I brought all of that intensity (or workaholic-ness)to FSU with me. But when I got pregnant I suddenly was much more chilled out–which I didn’t really realize until my husband pointed it out. The baby and my health came first. Now that our little guy is here, going back to work took some adjustment but I try to be as organized and efficient as possible at work so I can Porter and Aaron can have my undivided attention at home. And every afternoon about 2 hours before work ends, I start to get really excited about seeing my boys at the end of the day!
We took P out with us to sushi last night (one of my co-workers and his girlfriend wanted to take me out for my birthday.) Sure it was a little different to go out with baby in tow, but it was still fun–just different!
Katie's Grandma
“The more things change, the more they stay the same!”
Who said that? Well, anyway, can The Bean’s great grandma
weigh in? I, too, had a career and worked several years
before starting a family. Then your Mom and Uncle Tim came
along. What a guilt trip I took everyday to work. But when
I look at our family portrait taken at Easter this year, I
think, WOW, I started all this! What love a family generates
throughout the years and children grow up too soon. Who comes to visit when you grow old? Who loves you unconditionally? Knowing what I know now, I would have started my family ASAP!
Michelle Uhlfelder
Katie- I feel you on the whole different pace thing. We took Henry to the beach yesterday to ‘play’ for the first time. I still haven’t been in the water since he was born (note: we live at the beach so this is a big change for me). And of course I’m a strange nut and overly cautious about walking him into the water. Thanks for the post- it really got me thinking about how our lives have changed and how much better and yet different it is. All for the better (though a full night of sleep would rock right now!!!).
Tressa
Katie,
After reading your Grandma’s comment……..I have nothing left to say! She said it all!!!
Time really does fly by. Enjoy the ride!
Have a great day!
naomi
The great thing is that when you are able to leave the Bean with a sitter or more comfortable taking him along with you, you and Chris will appreciate those things (the city, golfing, sushi) so much more!
Kathryn
Okay – I’m playing catch up on your posts. I used to comment more on your blog, but I admit, I, too, fell into the “well, she never comments on mine so why should I comment on hers” thing. (-: So you should check out my blog and maybe post one day. (-: ANd i’ll post on yours. I always enjoy your posts!
~Kathryn
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
And when you make it back to the driving range it will be more fun than ever to watch Bean with his own little driver. 🙂
Kate
That is so true! My husband and I are trying for a baby now, and as much as I know things will change, I’m ready for it. He, on the other hand, is very, very nervous about never being able to leave the house. Or have friends over. Or go out for a drink (which we barely do now, by the way). You have exactly the right perspective, though: Yes, things are different right now, but that’s ok.
Melissa
Well put, my husband and I have had many of those coversations. I have sometimes just sad OK lets do it. The movies with a 3 and 1 yr old not such a good idea. I try to enjoy the life God gave us and not look at all the have nots of life, cause there is alot.
holly (your biggest fan, aka NOT fat fan)
i hear ya. i think i feel that way more than my husband does. i long for luxurious nights out with just the two of us, and i long to finish school and work out and lose 50 thousand pounds. but somehow i feel like things have changed. and i DEFINATELY have. if anyone wanted things to never change- it was me… and my husband has helped me see the brighter side. i know it wont last forever.
Summer
Well said – you’ve those priorities in the right order, girl!! This is time you’ll never get back, but always wish you could, so enjoy it while you’re there!!
Kate
I know what you mean. Bridget is only a few days behind the Bean in age and so many things yo say ring true here as well. My problem is that I teach and sadly, two weeks into school, my lesson plans are seriously suffering. I just can’t bring myself to give up time with her to type up plans. Bah!
sandra407
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.
Sana Sohel
Reading this blog just makes me think.. how LUCKY bean will be to grow up and read everything about himself being a baby. over time even mum’s forget the best moments.. and we just wonder what we were like as a child… and this is just amazing.. he is going to know everything about himself.. every moment and wow…. he is one LUCKY BABY!! and adorably cutee!