Doing What Comes Naturally
One of the things that I’ve always loved about my relationship with Chris was how easy it comes to both of us. We may not have too many elaborate gestures. We may not be the most romantic people in the world. But we have always been comfortable and natural together. We have a natural rhythm to our marriage that keeps us balanced and centered. When things are a little off kilter, we both usually sense it right away and it doesn’t normally take a whole lot for us to get things back on track.
We’ve never been the kind of couple who sits down for hours and talks about our relationship. Even when things have been rough for us – and trust me, in college things were rough – but even back then when drama and emotions were at their peak, we seldom had really earth-shattering, life-altering discussions or events. We seemed to take things in stride pretty good. And we took them in stride together.
Since we’ve become parents, I’ve noticed a little bit of a change in that part of our marriage. Its not that marriage is any harder necessarily or that we struggle any more now than we did before. But it seems that now it just takes a little bit more effort to keep things on an even keel. When you’re tired and cranky, you can’t just retreat to neutral corners. When you’re angry and frustrated, you can’t pout and give yourself time to get over it. As parents, you’re sort of in this mess together – no matter what’s going on in your marriage. And because of that, there seems to be more strategy to marriage when a baby is involved.
Take dinnertime. That’s a pretty easy example. For as long as I can remember, Chris and I have eaten dinner together. And not just on the go or standing up in the kitchen. We fix a good dinner and we sit down together to eat. Its not something we plan and its not critical to our marriage, but its just a part of our routine and our relationship. Its the time of day when we can sit down and talk to each other without computers and phones. Its our time.
Well, dinnertime is now right in the middle of Bean’s bedtime routine. Around 7:30 we start baths and pajamas and last bottles and rocking and all that good stuff. For a while, we tried to work dinner around this bedtime routine, doing a few things with Bean and then stopping so that we could have some downtime together. But Bean was tired and ready to bed at this time of day and the dinner hour became really hectic and chaotic. Some nights I think we ate in shifts. We’ve learned with time that once the bath is over for Bean, Chris goes downstairs and cooks dinner while I give Bean his last bottle and then rock him and put him to bed. And then we meet up to sit down and have dinner together, just the two of us.
That’s the kind of effort I mean. Nothing huge. It just isn’t as easy anymore as the two of us sitting down to eat dinner together. When a baby is involved, there’s an added element of planning that is necessary to keep our marriage on track.
I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes, that extra effort – no matter how small – is really irritating. Wouldn’t it be great to just sleep in together one Saturday morning? Wouldn’t it be great to just go out to dinner one night because we have the urge? Sure. But Beanie doesn’t wait on Saturday mornings and babysitters don’t sit around waiting for you to call them at the last minute. Its not that these things can’t happen. It just takes a little more effort to make them happen now.
A couple of weeks ago, I read the article in the New York Times about the Obama’s marriage. The article had nothing to do with politics. It was instead about the way they manage their marriage in the context of something as demanding as the presidency. Between you and me, I’m not a huge fan of President Obama. But I’d love to have he and Michelle over to my house for dinner. And after reading that article about their marriage, I decided that if they ever came over to my house for dinner, I’d serve them on my good china. That’s how impressed I was with their values and principles in marriage.
The central theme of the article to me was that their marriage was a priority. And no matter where they were in their political lives and career paths, they had to adapt those other priorities around their marriage. But sometimes, that meant that their marriage had to adapt, too. They had to learn how to be married to each other in every phase of their life.
And that spoke to me.
After I read the article, it stayed on my mind for days. The idea of truly making your marriage a priority and keeping it fluid and flexible enough to adapt to whatever situations you find yourself in. And the more I thought about that idea, the more I realized that as great of an example as Mr. and Mrs. Obama are to the American people, the greatest example of this to me was my own parents.
This January, my parents will have been married for 30 years. And I guess its no surprise to me that I find my own happy marriage to come so naturally because I grew up in a house where my parents made marriage look easy. But as I got older and especially after I got married, my parents told me over and over again that marriage takes work. It takes dedication.
“Marriage is a decision that you make every single day,” they would tell me.
I think I only half understood that before I had a baby. Before Bean, what that meant to me was that you made the decision every day to be active in your marriage and relationship. And that is true. My parents were great examples of that. But what I’m learning as a parent is that making the decision every day means that every day your marriage might look different than it did the day before. And its probably going to look different the day after that, too. But I am learning that the real secret to a happy marriage in the midst of parenting is committing every day to be in the marriage, no matter what might be different about your relationship that day.
So, if it takes a little more effort now for Chris and I to maintain a happy, healthy marriage, that doesn’t mean that marriage is harder. And it doesn’t mean that something is wrong. You give a little more effort some days because that’s where your marriage is right then.
When you love someone, every day is worth whatever effort it takes.
24 Comments
Kelly H.
With or without a baby, marriage is tough. It’s worth it all though and things are much easier when you marry your best friend. I’m not sure there is anyone else that I could go down this long road with, other than my best friend.
Terri A.
What a great post! I’ve only been married for 6 weeks and my husband and I haven’t been together two whole years yet. Right now, our relationship is very easy. We are each others best friend. Falling in love was easy but choosing to stay in love takes work and commitment.
Mikki
Katie- I just wanted to tell you that was a beautiful post! I’ve really come to love reading this blog more and more, because my partner and I are relatively young so we don’t have a lot of serious relationships around to hear about. So, as silly as it sounds about someone on the other side of the world I haven’t met, it’s really nice hearing about your relationship and thinking about mine in that light. I understand the commitment to being together everyday. We’ve had a very up and down couple of years in terms our our lives and work, changing jobs and colleges, moving around, sometimes having a lot of time to eat dinner together, sometime in the middle of end of year exams – like now, eek!- and new jobs a lot less time. But we make it work, by remembering that no one can make us happy but us, and if we want to be here, then there is nothing that can stop us!
On an unrelated note – Beanie is adorable, and looked great in his costume!
Kara
That is so true and beautifully written. It does get easier as the baby gets older. My son is 16 months old and my husband and I were just saying last week that we feel like we’re in the sweet spot of life were things feels easy again. Ask us tomorrow and you may get a different answer.:)
Jes the bes
My husband and I are at a point that our careers definitely make it difficult to put our marriage first. Our relationship is pretty easy and neither of us is too demanding so it is easy to put it on the back burner while we work on other things. But we always try to incorporate activities or just time together to reconnect. That’s the biggest part of being able to have a fluid and agile relationship is being able to take moments to connect with the other person.
Tressa
So beautiful, so honest. Thank you!
Gerri
Katie-
Even though I have only been married just shy of a month (we dated for 6 yrs though!) I think this post speaks loads of truth. I think we choose to love, to accept and to put our spouse first-even if life is hectic and crazy! Thanks for your honesty!
Joanie
This is absolutely true in every way. Marriage isn’t easy, but even what came naturally and easily before doesn’t as much after a baby. Johnny and I started our marriage with a one year old in the equation, so I guess we never experienced that whole “honeymoon” phase of everything being on our time, but with each subsequent child it does get to be more of a juggling act.
It sounds to me like you’re adjusting beautifully to marriage plus baby, and from here on out practice makes perfect…or almost.
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Great post, Katie! I feel like so much of parenthood for me right now is an ongoing exercise in adjusting–adjusting schedules, adjusting routines, adjusting standards…
You are so lucky to have your parents’ marriage as a role model for your own. My own parents, after being married for 37 years, have just separated. I have been using their marriage as a gauge of what I DON’T want my marriage to be. So I guess they are inspiring me, just in a different way.
Tressa
I’m sorry to read about your parents after 37 years. So sad. I often wonder when I hear this how such a thing can happen after all those years. Life is full of changes I guess, no matter our ages.
Best wishes for you to adjust to the separation.
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
What totally and completely cracks me up is the idea people have that having babies will “draw them closer together.”
BZZZT.
Wrong answer. And yet being close when you have kids is more important than ever.
Megan
Love the post – it’s beautifully written.
Camberley
I love your parent’s advice €œMarriage is a decision that you make every single day. € This is so true. My marriage isn’t difficult and we don’t have a lot of life shattering drama; however, I continually have to remind myself to make little decisions everday that will improve our relationship. Great Post.
~C
Laura
Awesome post! Marriage definitely is something you have to work at. Having a baby makes it twenty times harder.
I’m with Mindee, those people who think having a baby will bring them closer are out of their minds. It’ll be really good for about a week till you both get too tired to see straight and then you start yelling over stupid things like burp cloths.
Jenn
This was a pleasure to read. Makes me want to go hug my husband. You are lucky to have each other and your wonderful bean.
Jennie
What a sweet post. At our wedding someone said, “Choose each other every day.” I like that. Some days I’m tempted to choose ANYTHING over my frustrating, stubborn husband, but I remember those words and it brings me back.
I also say I love my husband more than my son, which makes a lot of people shocked and horrified, but nothing is more valuable to my son than for his parents to have a happy and strong marriage.
Heather
thank you thank you thank you for this post and for this entire blog in general. it is so refreshing and i am very grateful to you for your honesty, wit, and heart.
deepa
you really are a fantasitc writer. where is your book deal already!
Casey
This is a great post!
Donna
Well put! When my husband and I were going through our pre-marriage counseling (required by the Catholic church), the one piece of advise that I have remembered was that every day you choose to love your spouse, and that is so true.
Sharon
Cheers to you Katie! You’ve been blessed with superb role models and have always known that marriage takes work … keep it up and as you know, it is well worth it.
I think you would like to read my just published little book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage,” and would find some additional inspiration for those tough times …
at borders, barnes&noble, amazon (www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com)
courtney
wonderful post
EmilyC
I agree with deepa, you should write a book! 🙂
Carlene
I thnk the best advice about maariage I ever got was from my [future] father-in-law.
He said “You two are great together. You know why? Because you adapt. And you’re going to have to do that every day of your lives together. And that’s a good thing. Never say “you’re not the man/woman I married”. That’s a good thing, a great thing. So don’t expect yourselves or each other to be the same people you are right now.”