I am a Blogger. Not a Punching Bag.
Yesterday, my blogger friend, Whitney, over at The Glamorous Life of a Housewife had an interesting…we’ll call it an “exchange”… with a reader of her blog. Whitney posted something and a reader posted a very snarky and spiteful comment in response. Being a natural redhead, Whitney could not help herself and she responded right back with her own comment.
Redheads are uncontrollable that way.
Or so I’ve heard…
If you’re into blogging in any capacity – reading, writing, or otherwise – you know that these little blogging tiffs sometimes happen. Goodness knows they’ve happened on my blog and I’ve seen them on countless others.
As a blogger, I’m open to a certain amount of extra scrutiny and I understand and expect that. It is, after all, my decision to put all this information out into Internet Land for God and everyone to judge. I think I’m a pretty laid back person though. I don’t consider myself to be rigid in viewpoints. I generally find that criticism and different ideas only enhance my blog and my own knowledge. Actually, I have come to take advice from people much more readily than I used to because I’ve learned from my blog that people have some really great ideas! Some of the things that I’ve learned from my readers about parenting and relationships and cooking and homemaking are now tricks that have become part of my everyday life. And I’ve even changed my mind on issues that I used to think differently about because of a particularly thoughtful comment someone has made.
But I’d say for about every 10 really helpful suggestions or thoughtful disagreements I get, I receive maybe 2 very hurtful, blunt, and downright rude comments or emails. These are generally about my parenting style. Sometimes they are about the choices I make in my marriage. And one time it was about the color of my house, which was a really strange comment…
For example, in response to the post I did on why I chose to not breastfeed, I got some really wonderful emails and comments about why women DO choose to breastfeed. To me, it was a wonderful, open discussion on two sides of a touchy subject. But then I had those few comments. Those few comments from people who had nothing in mind but to make me feel bad for a decision I had made. They weren’t commenting to educate me. They weren’t commenting to offer a different viewpoint. They only wanted to punish me because I thought differently than they did. Someone actually emailed me and said I should “Shut up and breastfeed.”
Those are the comments that I’m talking about today. Those comments that are not constructive, are not educated, are not thought-provoking, and are certainly not respectful. Those comments are hurtful.
I am a blogger. I am not a punching bag.
I certainly understand disagreeing – even strongly disagreeing – with things that I or any blogger might say. But disagreeing can and should be vocalized with respect for other people’s thoughts and opinions. Remember when you comment on someone’s blog that you have no idea how many people are reading what you are writing and out of that number, how many of those people are struggling with an issue that you are mindlessly passing judgment on.
As bloggers, I truly feel we have the responsibility to be truthful. But I also feel that we have the responsibility to be respectful. The internet is a big place and you never know who may wander into your little patch of land and what that person might be struggling with at that moment. Its our responsibility as bloggers to be a voice. But if we choose to yell our voice out into Internet Land through a blog, then we should be mindful of who might be listening to our message.
On the flip side, readers have a responsibility when they comment on a blog as well. When you choose to comment, you are choosing to become part of a discussion. Part of a shared experience. But that means that you, too, are now held accountable for your words – just as bloggers should be held accountable for theirs. When you are hurtful or rude, you are not “proving a point” to the blogger. There may be thousands of people reading those hurtful comments and I’m willing to bet that out of those thousands of people, you have probably just hurt or offended a rather large percentage of them. And when we’re talking about things as personal as marriages or parenting decisions or family structures, people take those offenses very personally.
I take them personally.
For a long time, I posted every comment that I received. I felt like that was the politically correct thing to do. I didn’t want to be that person who only had good things posted on her blog. I wanted good dialogue and a collection of ideas and thoughts. True…most of those thoughts and ideas are about my husband spying on our neighbors and my suburban addiction to Target… but STILL.
In recent months though, I’ve started deleting comments that either offend or hurt me or that I fear may offend or hurt someone who reads them. I think the goal for most bloggers – though, admittedly, not all – is for their little corner of Internet Land to make a difference, to share an experience, to reach out to a community. And I don’t feel that those hurtful and rude comments foster that kind of environment. So I delete them.
Now, even I am not self-righteous enough to believe that what I say here has any impact whatsoever on the national economy or world hunger or global warming. But I do believe that it sometimes might reach into the home of a woman struggling to conceive. Or a mother who is not able to nurse because of health reasons. Or a family with two dads or two moms. Or a couple going through a rough patch. Or a single parent. Or a teenager who is learning to be an adult. Or a person going through a divorce. I do believe that sometimes everyday people can be effected by something they read on a blog. And I want to be sure that the effect my blog has on people of ALL walks of life is positive.
So, when you’re out there in Internet Land reading and commenting and participating, remember that whether you are the blogger or not, you, too, have an audience. And its up to you to decide what you want that audience to take away with them.
48 Comments
Dana
I do love my blogger!
And I always think before I type. I am sort of live and let live, though. Even in blog land.
You rock.
Michelle
Hi Katie,
I have to confess, I have never left a comment on your blog, (I’m just your typical stalk and go reader) but I have to say I love reading posts about the wacky and fun stuff that happens in your family life, because it happens to my friends and I too! There will always be people who are judging you as a wife and mother and I appreciate you leaving those comments off the blog, because frankly, as a mother who didn’t breastfeed, a wife who gripes about her husband on occasion and a woman who is also addicted to Target, I don’t want to read those comments either.
Your blog is fabulous.
Candice
Fantastic post! I totally agree with you – those comments really do sting and I wonder if people really think about the effects of the comments they leave. A negative comment stings me for days (or more). I only leave comments when I can be kind, funny, or helpful (even when I disagree) and I wish people could do the same.
Tressa
Thank you for setting that straight! If they don’t have anything nice to say, then shut up! 😉
It’s amazing to me those people who feel like they can throw the first stone.
Have a great Friday and a better weekend!!
maureen
Yay for posting this!
Kim
This is an excellent post. I think that there are really great bloggers and commenters out there, and then there are people who just troll to spread misery. I try not to take those people too seriously (although it’s often a little personal). I think it has helped me gain perspective of the type of person I want to be (both online and off) and that is of someone who spreads joy, not misery. It sounds like you are feeling the same way. Your blog may not be curing world hunger (yet), but it gives me lots of laughs. And I know I’m not the only one. That’s worth a lot. =)
Maureen
Another Maureen commented! Hi!
I like the idea of blogs being a place for constructive conversation and exchange of ideas. Writing mean things to someone who is just voicing their own opinion on their own site is just rude. (Although I don’t think Whitney’s commenter was intentionally trying to be mean, but I’m not entirely sure)
And someone actually made a mean comment about the color of your house? That’s weird. Based on the pictures you have posted, I think your house is cute!
Danimezza
Love U Katie, and this post. If you don’t mind I’d like to link it to a post I”m writing myself.
I posted a photo of Aidan and I at the beach and an Anon person decided it was the perfect opportunity to tell me I had fat arms…there are some odd people out there!
Sandy
!!! REGGOLB YM EVOL I
Sarah H.
VERY well said Katie.
Whitney
Woo Hoo!! Stop the mean comments! Encourage, don’t discourage! Maybe with your post you can help change the blogging community.
Allieballie
First of all, I think your blog should be made into a book. Your family is adorable and you are a humorous and entertaining writer. It makes me mad when people criticize the decisions you make as a parent! I think your family seems happy—that’s all that matters! 🙂
Kristen
I wanted to say I absolutely, positively love this post! My blog is still relatively small so I have not dealt with any mean comments (yet)but I am so sorry you have to deal with that stuff. I read both your and Whitney’s blogs and they are nothing but delightful and bring a smile to my face.
Maggie
Well said.
Caitlin
Hi Katie,
I’ve never posted a comment on here before, but I read your blog RELIGIOUSLY ever since I randomly discovered it a few months ago. It’s become a part of my day that I look forward to. Ive learned so much from reading about your life and your story. I’m 20 year old college student and even though I dont have a husband or baby, I find myself constantly relating to your blog. Thank you for being so open and brave enough to post the way you do.
Caitlin
laura
You’re awesome. This post about made me cry! You are so right when you say that we have no idea what people are going through and this rings true in real life as well. I am a firm believer that if you don’t like what they’re writing, then just don’t read it! Too bad real life isn’t as simple!
Diana
You rock, Katie! The funny thing is most people who will leave the mean comments aren’t brave enough to share their lives and family with the whole world – but you are! Keep on posting – I read religiously and love it!
Nate's Mom
I think today’s blog post should be required reading for all blog responders. Brilliant writing, lady! 🙂
Niki
I agree with you. “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” What good do rude and mean comments do anyone? They do no good at all.
Katy
Couldn’t agree more! I have never been so angry as when I was reading the blog of someone I didn’t know, and some nasty commenter who didn’t have the nerve to be anything but anonymous was criticizing her choice to throw a Christmas party for her employees because it was too wasteful in light of the recession. Ok, MAYBE he had a point (I don’t think so, but that’s me), but he took the approach of telling her how she was so fat and ugly that she shouldn’t be possibly dressing in the holiday outfit she was in, etc… And he continued to respond every time another commenter tried to defend her. I’m getting angry just remembering it. It truly struck me that he was an insecure, spiteful individual just getting his kicks taking out his anger on some poor random person. Grr!
Kelly H
Some people think that the anonymity that is provided by the internet gives him/her a right to bash and feel superior. I do not blame you for deleting some of those posts. Your last post was fabulous. People should think long and hard and take a good look at themselves before criticizing your choices.
Keep up the good work. You are doing a wonderful job (as a blogger and a first time mommy!)
Elle
Very well said!
Jen
I’m sure you already know this and don’t need to be told (and for all I know, since you delete rude/negative comments, I might not be the first person to bring this up), but having a blog and putting your personal life out for everyone to see is a risk. One whose consequences you have to be aware of and accepting of before you embark. The internet is anonymous. Just like in chat rooms and on message boards, if someone’s in a bad mood or just generally has a yucky life and wants to take it out on someone, there’s plenty of opportunity to do so without revealing themselves.
Much like in real life, though, you can either choose to take people with a grain of salt, or understand that there’s a reason they have so much hostility and that it’s their problem and not yours, or just grow thicker skin. I’m not a thick-skinned person so I don’t know how to do that, can’t help you there. But you can’t expect everyone to play nice when you’re laying your life open in such a public manner. Even if you ask them to.
I give you credit for maintaining this blog the way that you do – I don’t have the energy to keep mine up and I don’t even have a baby.
Katie
I totally agree. And that’s why I delete those comments. That much I DO have control over.
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Bravo, bravo, bravo! Snarky, hurtful comments help no one. On the interwebs, just as in real face-to-face life, it is important to respectfully disagree.
While telling my birth story on my blog, I had stated that I really wanted a natural child birth but in the end did opt for the epidural because of how long I was in labor (30 hours or so.) I got one comment that said there was no way my labor was “natural” (the quotes around that word really got me) because I didn’t have a drug-free, home birth with a midwife like she did. I was really upset by this comment and I was in the midst of postpartum depression so this comment really hurt.
Why are we as women so quick to judge each other? Ladies, let’s be nice!
Jes
Great post! There is something about the internet that allows people to let it all out with no inhibitions. Sometimes that is good, because as a blogger I feel that I can share information in a post that I wouldn’t in a regular conversation. However, some people think it is a free ticket to be nasty and hurtful. Not cool in my book.
I love your blog, keep up the good work.
And by the way, I love the paint colors in the interior of the house and wish you would do a post about what paint and colors they are cause they look awesome.
dave
You have every right to moderate the comments. In fact, every blogger should – for the sake of your readers. Because, those comments hurt the readers too. It spoils the fun.
Some of these stupid insensitive comments (in other blogs not yours) had left me irritated for days. And the fact that the blogger is allowing these comments just means he/she welcomes them. There is no use posting a counter argument for those comments either. It just gets even worse. I have stopped visiting those blogs or have stopped reading/posting comments.
Take for example ‘stuff white people like’. Have you ever read the comments section? It is out of control.
Deb
Thumbs up! You go Katie!
Noelle
The post you wrote on why you chose not to breastfeed was one of my favorite blog posts of yours. You were so open and honest about your choice. It’s a shame that some people have be so negative instead of listening to other people’s experiences and opinions. That seems to be a growing problem in society–people acting like it is either their way or no way.
BFF Emily
Seldom do I have the opportunity to use the word uncouth, but to those of you who feel the need to air your own insecurities on my lovely BFFs blog, I’m on to you and your uncouth (BOOM!) behavior. Watch your back.
(No seriously, turn around. . .)
Coco
Good for you Kate! This is YOUR blog so it’s YOUR rules. Some people just don’t have the filter and write whatever is in their heads. Or they like to be mean on purpose. Please. This isn’t the forum and if you’re going to say something, let it be constructive.
I appreciate your posts about your relationship with Chris. It’s nice to see other people who’s lives aren’t rosy walks in the park all the time. As a newlywed, everyone is always asking me, “Isn’t it so much fun? Isn’t married life great?” Well, yeah but it’s really hard too. So thank you for your honestly! I know I personally appreciate the posts that show your “real” side.
Lana
It makes me sad to read that you have to delete hurtful comments because I love reading the comments on this bog and thinking “Wow, no one’s being horrible for once”. I guess that goes to show there’ll always be a minority who feel the need to be snide and dickish. Screw ’em, don’t let their rubbish get you down.
Katie
In defense of mankind, I really don’t have to delete very many. People are good! People are nice! There are just a few duds along the way! 🙂
Jess
What an interesting post. I rarely comment here but love your blog, read it religiously, and have been inspired to start my own. I hardly ever get comments so at least people are reading yours!!! =P
Jennifer C.
I just don’t understand why people HAVE to be mean. I understand thoughtful criticism (usually) but being downright mean is just wrong. I filter my comments as well. Yay for readers who make blogging fun!
Nikki
What a great post! I am your everyday reader, but rarely leave a comment. I am so impressed with your blog and your bravery for opening your famiy’s lives for all of us to read. Thank you for taking that chance so that others like me have something great to read at the end of the day! I have learned that some people feel that since they are miserable that everyone they come in to contact with should be to, but I appreciate you not posting those comments, and giving them the upper hand! Have a great weekend!
EmilyC
Well Said!! 🙂
Kimberly
Love your blog! Sending positive vibes your way!
Sarah C. H.
Oh, Katie. I’m always astonished when people post mean things on blogs. I just can’t imagine acting like that toward someone. I guess their parents just didn’t teach them good manners…or that everyone has a right to their own opinion and their own way of life.
Anyway, I love your blog and just wanted you to know that you do a good job in making those small changes in our lives. I know that whenever I’m having a bad day, your blog puts a smile on my face.
Libby
I love this blog so much. I read everyday. Seriously, I’m an addict. Haha, I even make my boyfriend look at pictures of the Bean.
What I love most about it I think is that you and Chris are such fantastic role models as a young, loving, committed couple. I love how you are obviously really serious about making your marriage work, while not taking yourselves too seriously either.
My absolute favourite thing about the blog is how honest you are when things are NOT all sunshine and happiness too. I feel like so often people are either totally jaded and disillusioned about relationships (and life in general), or so committed to proving to everyone how perfect and happy everything is that it is unhelpful, unrealistic and hard to relate to.
Your blog is both insiprational and hilarious. I think I like it especially because there’s a lot in your ‘story’ that I can relate to.
You and Chris are where my partner and I hope to be in a few years.. its fun for us reading about you guys buying your house (which, by the way is absolutely perfectly cute and a lovely colour!) and getting pregnant and having the Bean etc etc, and imagining us getting there one day. My boyfriend and I have been together since highschool. He moved to Australia for university after school while I stayed and went to a university at home in New Zealand. We broke up because it was the sensible, logical thing to do. After eight months, we realised we wanted to be together and if the only thing stopping us was distance, then that wasn’t reason enough to be ‘apart’. So we did long distance for 2 and a half years, before I finally transferred to university here in Australia! We are both 22 now and we’ve been together 6 years. Next year he starts his PhD and I my masters. And we’re finally moving in together!
Haha I waffled on a lot about us… this is a huge comment!
Anyway, I just wanted to write because, although I do comment sometimes, I don’t as often as I should. Your blog is one of my favourite things!
Libby
Ginny
Don’t worry — my kiddos are drinking from my boobies either. Rock on sista!!
Liz, JM, and Leo
Dear Katie,
Would you just shut up and blog 🙂 Just kidding!!! I can’t believe someone said that to you about breastfeeding. I know I’ll always be honest, but please, whose business is it to be rude to you or anyone… I think some people lose their right minds (if they ever had them) on the internet because they can’t be seen or held accountable in their real life for their comments and actions. It’s ridiculous.
And, very nice sign, I don’t think I could have done that. Impressive use of your brain, my friend.
Love you, love your blog,
Liz
Jasmine
Great post! The last part really resonated with me, not so much as a blogger but in my career. I’m getting my PhD in Art History, so ours is a discipline that may rarely have a huge impact on matters of global importance. It was something that I was just talking with a friend about, and it sometimes makes me wonder if it’s all worth it. BUT! I don’t think we can assume that a contribution, in whatever form, isn’t valid or important if it doesn’t create some kind of huge impact. Individuals are important too, and so is creating a community. You do reach a certain audience, and it is a site of mutual exchange. Just because your blog isn’t going to solve an economic crisis doesn’t mean it isn’t important. Ditto for me.
Laura
Love this. I think it is so silly that people are so judgmental about things. You never know anything about someone’s situation until you walk a mile in their shoes. I have never had to deal with this (yet?) because my blog isn’t that big, but I would delete the mean comments too because you are so right – it definitely could hurt someone else.
Zoe
This is a good philosophy for people to take into their everyday life, too. Every person deserves respect, and we should behave accordingly. People have different points of view and experiences, and it’s not our place to judge.
Katie B.
I absolutely love your blog. I read it all the time but have never commented before. So I thought I would take this opportunity to do so and say thank you so much for sharing your life and your wonderful stories with all of us.
rachel
Great post this happens on every time of blog im sure i know if happens on mine which is a crafting blog i guess you would call it. There is even such a think as a ‘Smack Blog’ where people opening just gang up on people, ive been smacked before, and it makes me wonder when my ratings go up one day if i have been smacked again or if it was just a great post that day. Keep it up i say say what you want, if people dont like it stop bloodly reading it!
Carrie T
Great post! It makes me so mad the way certain bloggers attack Ree at Pioneer Woman or Dooce. You know if you don’t like what they write then click that little red box with the X in it on the top right corner. No one is forcing the haters to go back.
I think you have a wonderful blog. I started at the beginning a few months ago and as I read I will email a link to my sister so she can laugh as hard as I do.