Family (Dis)function
Chris and I originally planned to be at our house for Christmas this year. It was going to be our first time having Christmas in our own house. I figured that Santa worked like a GPS. He has to first identify you at your house before he can find you at other locations. So, we were going to stay home and let Santa find Bean. I had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I was super excited not to be traveling at the holidays. But on the other hand, we wouldn’t have family with us. And, in case you hadn’t figured it out, I’m a big fan of families.
But a couple weeks ago, Chris’ dad was hospitalized and so we decided that maybe it was a good year for us to go home for Christmas. Not only would we get to see everyone, but we’d get to spend some much needed time with Chris’ dad. That whole side of his family has only ever seen Bean for about an hour, so this was our chance to spend some real time with them. So, now we will be traveling back home for Christmas instead and I am actually really, really excited. True, I won’t be seeing my own family on Christmas this year, which is always hard, but it will be nice to be with Chris’ family instead.
It took me a long time to be comfortable spending holidays away from my own family. This is my fifth year of being married and sharing Christmases and while it is getting easier, it is still really hard to be away. Its not that I don’t love being with Chris’ family on holidays, but I think being away from your family is always going to be a little hard. But there are some things that I’ve learned along the way that make holidays a little easier when I can’t be home.
Be in the moment. When I first started spending holidays away from my family and with Chris’ instead, I would spend the whole day on the phone with my family. I didn’t want to miss anything that was going on there. But in between phone calls all day long, I would cry. I missed everyone and I just knew I was missing out on things. But I’ve learned that you can’t spend your holidays like that. You have to be present where you are – whether that’s your home, your parent’s home, your inlaw’s home, or Cracker Barrel. Just be where you are. Enjoy what is going on there. Focus on things happening right in front of you and not necessarily what’s happening hundreds of miles away – or even next door. Just be present and you’ll enjoy yourself so much more.
Celebrate the differences. The first Christmas I spent with Chris’ family, I was horrified when everyone just started ripping into gifts. In my family, we opened gifts one at a time and then we spent, like, half an hour on each gift trying it on and telling about where someone bought it and why. We’re talkers, what can I say? Christmas morning lasted most of the day for us because we talk so much! But in Chris’ family, gifts were just ripped into in no order or anything. I just sat there staring. What were these people doing? But spending your holiday pointing out the differences between how your families celebrate is such a downer. No one will do Christmas morning or Thanksgiving dinner or Easter lunch or Halloween night like your family. Period. That’s why you love your family. But instead of looking for the differences, celebrate that there are differences. I’ve learned that ripping through Christmas presents is actually a TON OF FUN! There’s no self control! There’s no patience required! You can just tear into things as fast or as slow as you want! Its great! And once I accepted that they’re holidays aren’t the same as my family’s, I started to enjoy being where I was for the traditions in that family.
Live and let live. Holidays changed again for me when Chris and I started hosting family at our own house. Streeeeeeessful. Whoa. Hosting family at your house is tricky. When you’re at your parent’s house (or your inlaws), there is a set pecking order. Everyone knows whose job is what and they’ve been doing that same job every Christmas since they were little. At my house, Ginny and I always set the table for dinner. That was our job. My mom and Grandma cooked all the side dishes. And my Dad cooked the stuffing and the turkey. Well, suddenly when they showed up at my house, no one really knew which roles were theirs anymore.
I mean, usually the host cooks the food. But, what would my parents do then? And Chris and I didn’t even own a turkey platter. And Ginny didn’t know how to set our table because she didn’t know where everyone was going to sit. It was a big ‘ol mess. It was no one’s fault though. We were just in a new place doing something we’d done for years in another house. We were all out of sorts. And I got REALLY irritated. For weeks I had planned this big meal I was going to cook and serve my family. I had picked out the table seating and arrangements. I was ready to go. But now there were all these people in my kitchen! After that first holiday, I changed strategies. And by strategies, I mean my mindset. I had to let go a little bit. If my Dad wanted to make the stuffing, why the heck not? If my sister wanted sweet potatoes instead of white potatoes, why the heck not? If my Mom wanted to eat at 3:00 instead of 1:00, why the heck not? The fact is, even though they are guests in my house, its their holiday, too. So, let go a little bit. If you don’t want people in your way in your house, then give them tasks to do. But include them and appreciate them. Holidays, after all, are about family. Not about the table settings.
Remember YOUR family. Whether you are married, have a boy or girlfriend, have a baby, have dogs, you have a family. Not that big thing that you were born into. But that family that you have started yourself. That family you have chosen and, maybe, have even multiplied and grown. Sometimes that family gets put on the backburner as you work to keep up with your big family. Travel plans, hostessing, cooking, gift wrapping, cookie baking – all of those things you do for OTHER people are so important. But don’t forget to stop and celebrate with your husband, wife, children, best friend, dogs, etc. Chris and I made a deal when we got married that we would open our gifts together, separate from everyone else. So, a couple nights before we packed up and headed home every year for Christmas, we would drink hot chocolate, put on jammies, listen to Christmas music, and open our gifts, just the two of us. That was always the perfect start to our crazy Christmas season. It gave us time to connect and to appreciate each other. And now that the two of us have become three, I know we’ll continue to have a special Christmas – no matter what day it is – with our family. Take that time for yourself and your loved ones. Give them the courtesy of your attention at the holidays for at least one night. Put down the shopping list and turn off the oven and just spend time together with your small little family. You’ll glow for the rest of the holiday season because of that one night.
Holidays are for family. So, even if it takes some adjusting. Even if it takes some flexibility. Even if it takes a couple years to find your groove. Its always worth whatever you go through to spend the holidays with your family.
21 Comments
Lori @I Can Grow people
We decided last year when I was pregnant that we would spend Christmas here in Tallahassee. We usually go to my parents’ at Christmas time (Aaron’s family comes here for Thanksgiving.) Though I am excited for us to start a new tradition for our little family of three, I will miss going home to NY–home to extended family, home to White Christmases, home to the arms of friends you’ve known for years and years. But I have realized that since my parents have separated, I really can’t ever go back to the “home” I once knew. I wonder if I had known last year that 2008 would be the last Christmas I would be spending in the house I grew up in, would I have spent it differently?
Eh, who knows. At least here in FL I don’t have to shovel snow!
purple
you are funny AND wise? not fair, not fair.
Emily Marie
Thanks for this. I’ll be spending my first Christmas at the inlaws after three years of being married. It’s totally time, but I’m still going to miss my family, so this was nice to read from someone who’s been there, done that. And I’m LOVING the Christmas theme!! I’ve been listening to Christmas music for weeks now, the holiday season comes early at my house!
Lisa
Good post. I’ve been overseas for the last 5 years now and have only been able to come home for 1 Christmas with my family. Luckily for us we have my inlaws living in the same country so it hasn’t been really lonely, but you do get depressed sometimes and feel like you miss out on a lot by not being home for the holidays or even home in general. My mother said to me after my first Christmas away that my hubby and I needed to use the opportunity to start our own traditions and make the most of the time we have here, so I try to do things that remind me of Christmas back in Canada like baking my grandmother’s cookie recipes. What it has made me realize is how much I appreciate having my large family around me when I am home and how much I miss them when I am away.
Maggie
What a great post! My husband and I have talked the last two years (ever since the Economic Crisis came into the media shitstorm) what Christmas would be for us if all of a sudden we didn’t have anything at all. Like if we had no money at all to buy gifts for each other, how would we still make it feel like Christmas? If we had no way to travel anywhere, including by car, how would it still be Christmas if we had to just sit in our house? Every time we ask one of these seemingly Debbie Downer type questions, we are reminded of all we have to be grateful for, and that Christmas is about love and giving, and each year we vow to do more of those things.
And, on a side note, his mother and her female partner drive me absolutely nuts every time we are at their house, major holiday or not, and I am going to try the being present part of your post as a way to work through those tough times 🙂
Elizabeth O.
I’m so happy you posted this. This will be my first Christmas away from my family. We’re moving and won’t be close enough so we’re spending it with the in-laws. Which means it’s also my first Christmas with them. Everytime I see a Christmas commerical I burst into tears. I feel awful that I won’t be home with my parents. Especially because my brother is deployed and won’t be there either. It’ll just be mom and dad all alone. Your post gives me hope and eased the stress quite a bit. Thank you.
Jenn
Last year was the first year we didn’t go home for Christmas (we’re HS sweethearts with family in the same town in Florida) and it was tough. This year we decided to drive down from CT to FL and I am really looking forward to it. We’re taking down our own bean – our dog, Izzie 🙂
Dana
You ARE wise! And my family is a one gift at the time family – since we enjoy giving things, it give the gift giver time to notice reactions, etc. My husband’s family are rippers. I thought they were crazy or the house was on fire or something the first time. Yikes!
Laura
Thank you so much for this blog!! I have been with my boyfriend now for three years. Every year we invite each other to the others family’s house for the holidays, but we still haven’t spent one together. I’m not ready to be away from my family at the holidays and since his father has a heart condition, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be away from his. Everyone around me makes me feel a bit guilty that I don’t spend the holidays with him so it was nice to read that everyone has that homesick feeling at the holidays like I do. However, you reminded that I do have so much to look forward to since one day they will be a part of my family too. As chaotic as that might be, it will be alot of fun merging our two crazy families into one!!
Jes
I have such a hard time spending holiday’s with my husbands family. His family is really small and they don’t even like each other. My family is huge. I have at least 5 Christmas celebrations to attend. The holidays just don’t seem right unless I am with my huge, loud, hysterical family. The holidays are hard for me cause I miss my family so much. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one. Thanks for the helpful hints.
Sarah H.
Love it! Great post 🙂 I’m blessed because my parents and my husband’s parents live 5 min away—so we do 6am-10am gift opening at my parents and 10am-1 or 2ish with his family. Then we all have dinner together.
Elizabeth S
Thank you for this post. It certainly “hit home” with me. This will be my first Thanksgiving with the in-laws, along with his sister, her husband and 1 year old. I know this is horrible, but I don’t know how to handle the baby part. I’m not terribly interested in other people’s babies, even though this is my nephew. (I’ve only met him once at my own wedding and live in CA, while we’re in MA.) Any tips on how to handle that, since it will be all about the baby? Which is good on one level, so glad that grandparents are excited and interested….but it makes me feel, like well, nothing important! Self absorbed, I know, but wanted to see if you or any other readers had thoughts. I plan on bringing some work with me, as a distraction, if needed. Thanks for the honest feedback and tips in advance!
Katie
You know, we’re getting ready to be in the same boat at Thanksgiving this year – but the baby belongs to us!! I think babies have a way of just trumping everything. But I actually am learning to enjoy that a little bit. I have found that having a baby around takes some of the pressure off because everyone is focused on him. So, I take full advantage of that and catch up on my sleeping, going out to dinner with friends, watching TV. Its your vacation! Live it up! And in my opinion, you seem to be able to live it up more when there is a baby around to distract people!! 🙂
Christina
You are right on! It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustel of gift gifing and tradition that you forget what is really important. I just got married, so I am learning how to be ok with not being with “my” family on the holidays. We have shared the holidays for the last three years and it is not always easy. I would be at “his” family’s home, feeling bad and wondering what I was missing out on. I am much better now, but it takes effort and letting go a little bit, which is very hard for me because I am a bit of a control freak! I am blessed with so many loved ones to celebrate with. I am going to take your advise and make sure I am living in the moment. Thanks.
maureen
Now that we’ve been married throughout 7 Christmas seasons, I’ve realised that Christmas, while wonderful and fun and all that good stuff, is just Christmas. Too much pressure to have everything perfect can ruin a good time. While we were growing up, each Christmas felt like it was the same and followed a strict set of rules. It felt like these traditions MUST be followed to make Christmas happen. But life happens and life changes. We can adjust our Christmas plans to suit our lives at the time and Christmas Will Still Be Okay.
Enjoy your time with the in-laws! 🙂
Tressa
Thank you for this post! Always something more to think about. Thank you!
Casey
Thanks for this post… it was refreshing to read, and good advice! I have yet to spend a Christmas without my family. Hubby and I live in the same town as his family, and mine extended family is only 2 hours away. So, we do Christmas morning and my in-laws and then drive up to Orlando in the afternoon for Christmas dinner with my family. It works out nicely.
Hubby and I also decided to start our own Christmas tradition, which we really love. On Christmas Eve morning, we make eggs benedict and open our presents to each other and spend the day hanging out together before I go to work in the afternoon.
holly your biggest fan, but not fattest.
very sound advice. thank you.
so, do you offer therapy sessions by any chance? i think you need to be my therapist.
KP
You are so right. Every year my husband and I have been married (3 years now) I just haven’t sucked it up and dealt with the fact that holidays will either be split between our families or spent one or the other. (My family events are always way more fun!!!!) I’ve pouted about it every year, but your post will inspire me to be less whiny and more appreciative this year, no matter whose traditions we are celebrating.
Allison
You are awesome.
Allison
Ok, I should have finished that. OOPS! You are awesome because you just made me way less nervous about my biggest fear concerning marriage…HOLIDAYS.