Now My Husband Must Die. (Harsh? Hardly.)
Last Friday on my lunch break I ventured across town (across two towns, actually) to Macy’s to do some Christmas shopping.
Incidentally, the night before Chris and I got into a big fight about Christmas shopping. Have I mentioned that he has a huge family? Well, he does. And we all exchange gifts with each other. There’s no Dirty Santa games so you only have to buy one present. And not giving a gift is out of the question. This means that every year we buy presents for everyone in his family. I actually love it because it gives me an excuse to shop more.
This year I did most of my shopping online (for my tips and suggestions for online shopping, check out this blog post: An Amazonian Christmas). I got better deals and I planned enough in advance that I had the time for things to ship to me. I did most of the online shopping before Thanksgiving, so by the time the holidays got here I was almost done with my gifting. But I have slacked off in the past few weeks and now here we are one week before we leave town for the holidays and I still have a couple little things to buy.
Shopping on my lunch break always sounds like a great idea. A little break in the day for some retail therapy never hurt anyone. But this time of year, its such a hassle to even get into the stores that its usually not even worth the effort. By the time I find a parking spot, walk across God’s green earth to get to the store, take out people’s knees in order to get to the goods, I’m usually either a) running late b) tired and sweaty or c) all of the above.
I tried explaining this to Chris the other night. I came home from work and told him that I had to run to the mall to pick up some presents and why didn’t he and Beanie come along? He said that I should just go on my lunch break the next day. I explained the lunch break dilemma and then said that he and Bean should go with me tonight. That would be a fun little Wednesday night outing.
Or not.
Chris started whining and complaining. And then when I told him to knock it off or I would make him watch Brothers and Sisters reruns with me, he started on a different tactic. He started interrogating me and then reasoning around why we didn’t even need to make that purchase in the first place.
Who were we buying for? Oh, well, we didn’t need to get that person anything because they were going to be away for the holidays and if we don’t see them, then we shouldn’t have to buy them a gift. (He’s so generous, isn’t he?)
What were we buying? Everyone knows that they don’t sell fleece robes at the mall, Katie. We don’t need to go up there for that. Can’t you just run up to Target? (Uh, YEAH!) I mean, supervised, of course. (Party pooper.)
How much are you spending on that person? That’s too much! Last year she gave me socks. I say give her a bag of M&M’s and we’re done. Okay, fine. Give her TWO bags of M&M’s. With peanuts.
I mean, it was one argument after another.
The whole time he was talking and arguing and trying to “reason” his way out of shopping, I was packing the diaper bag, packing my purse, finding Bean’s coat, etc. After about 15 minutes I stopped. Why was I going to force this? Even if we ended up going – which was highly doubtful – I would spend all night dragging him from store to store, which only makes me mad and him frustrated. So, I stopped. I stood up. And I gave him a piece of my mind.
Namely the piece of my mind that has spent the last three months shopping for his family and was it asking too much for him to contribute one night of his life to come with me? And how horrible could it be to run a few errands with your wife and son? Who cares if it is in the middle of the week? Live on the edge, my friend! And it wasn’t even a night with anything good on TV!
So, we fought that fight. Got over it. Ordered pizza. And I ended up elbowing my way through crowds in a mad dash against time on my lunch break the next day.
Bahumbug.
As I am rushing around Macy’s like an idiot, grabbing things, putting things back, scanning things at the price checker (I love those things!), I was not paying attention to my favorite black heeled boots. Now, I know, you don’t normally have to pay attention to your boots when you walk unless you’re about 18 months old and you’re learning to walk. But these boots are special. I have had them for so many years that I have walked completely through the heel and there is now just the nail on the heel that hits the floor as I walk. It makes these shoes really slippery.
Which is how at 12:47 PM I managed to slip as I was walking across the massive wide open entrance to Macy’s. My right heel slipped out from underneath me and was quickly followed by my left heel. I went straight to my knees, but I had been walking so fast that the momentum sent me sailing forward. I went sliding on my stomach – penguin style, thankyouverymuch – straight into about 12 perfume ladies, each of which tried to simultaneously pretend they didn’t see me falling and spray me with perfume.
Once the forward motion stopped, I landed completely flat faced next to the Lancome counter where a beautiful young make up girl peered down to me across her polished, mirrored countertop.
“Oh, my God!” she exclaimed. “Are you hurt? Do you want me to call an ambulance?”
“Uh…no, thank you,” I said, struggling to sit upright. Someone handed me my packages which had scattered across the entire cosmetics department. Another person picked up my purse and several pieces of my Blackberry. A third person handed me the Blackberry battery.
Note to self: Get new Blackberry.
It was pretty awful. I was mortified. And my knees hurt. And I couldn’t find my strawberry lip gloss that I had been holding when I fell. But I wasn’t going to stick around to look for it. I hid my hot pink face and slinked out to my car. When I got to my car, I took a minute to mentally collect myself. Was anything broken? No. Was I bleeding? No. Was I bruised? Only on one knee (for now…). And as I sat there, I found myself getting madder and madder.
At Chris.
This was his fault. If he hadn’t been so selfish, if he had gotten up off that couch and come shopping with me – No, if he had gotten up off that couch and happily come shopping with me, this wouldn’t have happened!! So – not being one to stifle her emotions – I picked up my phone and called him at work.
“Hello,” he said.
“IJUSTFELLATMACYS!”
“You did what?” he asked.
“IJUSTFELLATMACYS!”
“Oh my gosh, Sweetie. Are you okay?”
“IAMNOWBUTTHEYALMOSTCALLEDANAMBULANCEFORME! IJUSTFELLATMACYS!” Alright, so they didn’t almost call an ambulance. But someone did ask me about one, so that counted. And I wanted him to feel baaaaad. Feel guilllllty. Suffffffer.
“What happened?”
“I TOLD YOU! I FELL AT MACY’S,” I said, still yelling but speaking a little slower now.
“I know, sweetie,” Chris said, trying to be patient. “But are you hurt?”
“YESI’MHURT! ITWASABIGFALL! OFCOURSEI’MHURT!” I shrieked. “MY KNEES HURT!”
“Did you land on your knees?”
“NO! I LANDED ON MY STOMACH!” I shrieked. “AND NOW I NEED NEW BOOTS!”
This is when I started to cry a little bit. Not out of any one particular emotion. I was embarrassed and mad and my knees hurt. All justification for a couple little tears in my book.
Chris sat there in silence for a minute and then he cleared his throat.
“So, let me get this straight,” he said, speaking very slowly. “You fell at Macy’s and they almost had to call an ambulance…”
“Yes.”
“And you landed on your knees…”
“Yes.”
“…but you somehow ended up on your stomach…”
“Yes.”
“…and now you need new shoes?”
Now, I’ll admit that when he said it that way, it did sound a little ridiculous. And that only made me madder. So, I hung up the phone, wiped my face, and drove back to my office ready to forget this whole thing ever happened. But when I walked into my office building, one of my co-workers started giggling when she saw me.
“Are your knees okay?” she asked.
I sort of paused a minute. I mean, it was a pretty bad fall but had word really traveled through TWO TOWNS already?!?!?
“Your husband just put the whole thing on Twitter,” she explained.
That’s right, my imaginary internet friends. Not only was Chris a selfish bastard for not going shopping with me, which led to my shopping like a maniac on my lunch break, which led to me sliding like a fat penguin across Macy’s, but he then TWITTERED the whole thing. There was a whole series of Tweets about how his silly wife wiped out at the mall.
And that’s when I went home and beat the Twitter out of him.
37 Comments
Melissa
OHMYGOD!!!! I have never laughed so hard in all of my life.
BTW – I have shoes with that problem. Since Chris is kinda handy (and responsible for this debacle) you can get him to fix the shoes. They sell the little black heel tips at shoe repair stores.
Kate
I hate to laugh at other people’s expense…BUT…this was so funny!! I never laugh out loud and I was laughing, OUT LOUD! And I really needed that tonight, so thank you 🙂
Jayme
I have those same boots!!! You’ll just have to push Chris down the stairs and then twitter about how he “fell” down there stairs, hahah… kidding!!!!Glad your okay though!!
Whitney
You poor thing!!! I would have been furious, too. Falling I’m front of people is a horrible, horrible experience.
Shannon
I read those twitter updates and wondered what the hell had happened. I really enjoy the background to the story! I would be mortified if that happened to me, and I wouldn’t tell a soul. I’d live in denial. So thank you for sharing this story, it’ll make me feel better the next time I do something embarrassing! I hope your knees don’t hurt anymore.
Oh, and I LOVE those boots!
Ashley
I have the same problem with a pair of my black heels!!!! And I do the same thing all of the time! I haven’t had a crash quite like yours yet, but I totally know what you mean when you say that you have to think about walking! I would have definitely given him a good twitter beating!
zeemaid
Hey.. thanks so much for the xmas card mail out. Love it!!!
BTW that is so not too harsh. One more reason to be glad my husband is so not into twitter etc… 😉
Jessica
That is a great story! Sorry about the fall but I think you definetly need new boots now!
Ro
OMG, I have started my day at work…sitting here at my desk and for all good purposes appear to be laughing at my computer like an idiot. I work with doctor’s so this could land me in the nut house. I am so sorry for your fall but even as I write this and picture your penguin dance across Macy’s I am still giggling. You write so well! Chris should be beat with your boot and then forced to shop for his entire family, on his own, next year…naked in Macy’s!! That will fix his sorry tv butt!!
Janet
First, I hope you are ok this morning. Second, I hope Chris is still alive. Third, I’m sitting in my office laughing like a fiend with tears rolling down my cheeks. Not a good or comforting image for my staff to contemplate.
Shannon
OMG! I’m sorry but I did laugh.. I’ve had this same fight with my husband – would it KILL you to do something you don’t want to do? I do stuff I don’t want to do, all.the.time. Anyways, thank God he doesn’t have a Twitter. I think I’d have to kill him dead if he Twittered about something like that.
Hurt him good! LOL
sarah C
Oh no! Hope your knees are not to sore:( This story is so worth a new pair of boots:)
Lyndsey
I love. your. blog. Seriously— because we all have these fights and I do the same thing where I agree to something and then I get really pissed about it later. Makes me feel like we’re more normal. haha.
Elisabeth
I have SO had that moment! It never gets less embarrassing either!
I’m a complete lurker, but I needed to come out of hiding to help with the shoe issue. I also have shoes that I cannot bear to get rid of. I’ve had the same pair of knee high boots since college…which was…too long ago for my liking. You can take them to a shoe repair shop and they can completely reheel them! It cost me maybe $20. That and the tailor have been my greatest discoveries in the last couple of years!
Merry Christmas!
Heather O.
You poor girl. Are you ok!?
I would beat Chris with the keyboard! LOL J/K. My husband would do the same thing.
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Oh Katie, Chris needs to buy gifts for his side of the family. The fact that you do all of the shopping for his family with little to no help from his end is BANANAS (sorry, Chris.)
And secondly, lady, how have you lived in New England for 4 winters without boots with real tread?!
Katie
Its been tricky. I’m not gonna lie.
Maureen
Wow. That is some story. I actually got Matt to come Christmas shopping with me over the weekend (because there’s absolutely no way I’m spending my lunch break doing that. I commend you) I drove, which is always a disaster in our relationship, but it ended up going ok once we got there. That is until last night when he called me up complaining he had missed an important ebay auction over the weekend because he was spending the day shopping with me instead. Oh, so now it’s my fault? Great.
Jen
I second that, it’s Chris’ fault. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it. It’s his fault and now I think he should have to venture out with you over the next few months or years, however long it takes, until you find your next perfect/favorite black boots ever.
Melinda
I blew coffee out my nose reading this….
1) You poor thing! I hope you are all right.
2) I am blown away by your willingness to be so honest.
3) Do not alter your plans for him anymore. You should have just gone by yourself the night before and left the bean with him.
4) I really enjoy your blog and am old enough to be your mother. I wish I could have been there, I would have helped you.
5) Chris needs his twitter account taken away if he is going to use it in such a manner.
Katie
Amen.
Stephanie
A few thoughts:
A. Cute boots. You should get that heel fixed though. I have a shoe like that and it drives me nuts with the sound it makes compared to its mate. I don’t like it when one mate makes a different sound than the other. Do you?
B. I really liked the imagery of you on your stomach at Macy’s. In fact. I think that should be their new ad campaign.
C. I think you should have beet Chris to the punch on Twitter…why should he get all the glory from tweeting your story?
Stephanie
Also beat not beet. I can spell. Really.
Casey
I love husbands, but they sure can be selfish, can’t they??
Adrienne S.
SO embarrassing! I had the same thing happen to my favorite pair of boots, fortunately I didn €™t fall, but unfortunately I didn €™t realize the little nub had fallen off and preceded to leave HUNDREDS of little dimples in our beautiful hardwood floors. My boyfriend just about killed me!
Sarah
You can take those boots to a shoe repair shop and get them “reheeled” for under $20. I do it every year and it saves me tons of money. Thanks for sharing your fight here. Its nice to know we’re not the only ones who fight over stupid reasons sometimes.
lauren
… Freakin’ Hilarious …
Twitter him. all.day.in.every.way.
Sarah
OMG – I hope you are okay! Fighting with Matt about shopping is one reason I leave the boys at home and shop alone in the evenings!
BTW, 1) you have such a talent at storytelling! 2) thank you for the Christmas card! So cute!
Leah
Oh my goodness. I’m reading this while on a conference call and had to scramble for the mute button I was laughing so hard. Maybe Santa Chris will give you new boots for Christmas 🙂
Tressa
I would have been pissed too! And yes….I agree…it’s Chris’ fault!
You poor lady…I’m sorry that happened to you. Down right embarrassing…Chris is mean! 😉
While your finishing the Christmas shopping for HIS family, buy something nice for yourself AND a new pair of boots!
Thanks for the cute Christmas card!
Ashley
Don’t get mad, get even. It’s much more fun that way.
Laura
Um, that’s so weird because my boyfriend and I have a very similar fight this week. Our story is: we live VERY far away from my family (15,000 miles). My mom came to visit in May, and being the super-organized person that she is, left a few little Christmas presents for my boyfriend’s family. Fast forward to last month, when we’re in the US visiting my family. My boyfriend’s mother had given us a couple nice bottles of wine ($30 each), so I ended up giving them to my parents, from boyfriend’s family, as a Christmas gift.
This week I was wrapping my mom’s presents to my bf’s family and my bf and I had this huge argument, because apparently my mother didn’t spend the exact equivalent amount of two bottles of wine ($60), so I should have KNOWN that, and I should have only gifted ONE bottle of wine to my parents when we saw them in November. For equity, apparently. And this is MY fault.
So we go back and forth, with me saying: ‘no one cares about this! I thought it was the THOUGHT that counts!, and ‘you shouldn’t worry, it makes my parents look bad, not yours’, etc.
Then, I said, ‘I’m not going to supplement my parents’ gift to your parents, because then your parents will thank my parents for gifts they haven’t even heard of. Then my parents will ask why I felt the need to supplement their gift.’
This was neverending. You get the idea. And, there was basically no resolution: I wrapped my parents’ gift, and left the house for awhile to cool off. Honestly, it was the stupidest fight, like yours with Chris. What is with men and the Christmas season?!?!?!
colleen
Sista, bring your shoes to a cobbler, for about $15 he’ll change the heel tips. And it won’t make that weird uneven tapping sound when you walk.
ps- Chris is one funny dude
Carole-Anne
Too funny! My back is now killing me.
And by chance, does Chris have a brother named Todd? My husband (Todd) sounds JUST like Chris!!!
Daktari
This is exactly why I’m no longer married.
Katie
Wow. This gave me a good chuckle for about an hour. 🙂
Rachel
OMG…I am crying I am laughing so hard! I just discovered your blog yesterday, while on Facebook. A friend has posted your link and asked for people to vote for your blog for the bloggies. Since she is a friend, I did this and am now in love with your blog!
I’m sure that Chris has MANY “brothers” out there as well!!!