WARNING: This Post Will Self Destruct

This may be my last post ever. After posting this information, I may disappear into the Blogger Protection Program (BPP) for my own safety. That is because I am about to share with you super, top secret, life changing information that will threaten my life once it hits the massive place that is the internet. But, I’m willing to jeopardize my life and that of my family’s in an effort to give you this information because I feel you NEEEEEED it. You really, really NEEEEED it in your life. I’m happy to make this sacrifice for you and I will go away into the BPP knowing I have changed lives forever.

It’s been nice knowing ya’ll.

Below is my Dad’s Thanksgiving stuffing recipe.

(Hang on, let me close my curtains in case my Dad just heard me type that and decides to show up at my house threatening me with kitchen utensils. It’s happened before.)

I know in most family’s the star of the Thanksgiving meal is the turkey. And in a lot of families it’s the desserts and seasonal pies that make the day.

That’s all well and good. But that’s only because those people haven’t ever had my Dad’s stuffing. Seriously. It’s a holy experience. It’s thick and dense and heavenly. It’s savory and spicy and flavorful. It’s chunky and smooth and perfect with cranberry sauce on the side. It’s just the perfect Thanksgiving Day food.

And I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.

I have no pictures of this recipe in action because the magic can’t be photographed, so why bother? And I don’t have any pictures of me eating the final product because no one will get close enough to me during the meal to take a picture. (I bite.) But I do have this lovely picture of me and Chris at our Thanksgiving table in Connecticut one year before we dug in. See that doozey of a casserole dish in front of us on the center of the table? That’s your finished product, ladies and gents.

So, let’s get to it, shall we? My time on this earth is not long…

First, you must prepare to make the stuffing. And by prepare, I mean you must bake your own ingredients first. No store bought breading in his recipe or my Dad might hunt you down, too, and you’d have to enter the BPP with me. In this recipe, there are two kinds of breading that you have to make. The first is the easiest – you need 20 canned Pillsbury Grand biscuits. Just bake ’em plain and let ’em cool while you start on the most important ingredient in this dressing…

The cornbread.

The cornbread in this recipe can make or break you. In fact, the one year I attempted to make this dressing alone without my Dad, he called me no less than 15 times just to make sure I bought the correct brand of cornbread mix.

The man doesn’t mess around with his cornbread, people.

You MUST buy Martha White’s White Cornmeal. Any other brand and your cornbread will blow up and your dressing will shrivel up and die a slow death. At least, that’s what my Dad says. And I’m not exactly sure what will happen if you use another brand because my father is still walking this earth and so I will use Martha White’s White Cornmeal. The End.

Directions for the cornbread:

2 cups of white Martha White cornmeal
1/4 cup Crisco shortning ( can use 1/4 cup of veg. oil0
1 3/4 cup Buttermilk
1/4 cup of crumbled bacon bits and or chopped onion

Heat oven to 450. Spray cast iron frying pan with Pam. Place shortening or oil in cast iron frying pan and place in oven as it is heating to temperature.

Mix together cornmeal and buttermilk . Add shortening when hot to cornmeal mixture and mix well. Pour into hot skillet and bake for 20-25 minutes.

You will notice that there are no eggs in this cornbread.  That is not an oversight because according to Dad, “Eggs go in cake, Darlin’, not in cornbread.”

This issue has caused him to seriously consider walking away from his relationship with The Pioneer Woman’s cookbook.  But he keeps going back to her for her chocolate sheet cake.

So, once you have your biscuits and cornbread, you need to find someone that you don’t like too much and make them shred it all up for you in a big bowl.  That part was always mine and my sister’s job.  But only after we turned 25 years old and were trusted to participate in the making of The Dressing.  We aren’t actually allowed to help with the baking process until we are at LEAST 30.  Not that I’m complaining.  I eat better than I cook.

Once your cornbread and biscuits are crumbled in a bowl, you will need the following ingredients to pass Go and continue in your dressing journey:

8 tablespoons of butter

2 cups of celery, chopped

1 large onion, chopped

7 cups chicken stock

5 eggs, beaten

1 teaspoon salt

Black pepper

1 teaspoon sage

1 tablespoon poultry seasoning

For the next steps in making the dressing, I must leave you to forge ahead alone.  Until I’m 30.  Here are my Dad’s instructions, verbatim:

Melt the butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the celery and onion and cook until transparent, approximately 5 to 10 minutes. Pour the vegetable mixture over cornbread mixture. Add the stock, mix well, taste, and add salt, pepper to taste, sage, and poultry seasoning. Add beaten eggs and mix well. (Apparently, you put eggs in cornbread AND in cornbread stuffing…)  Reserve 2 heaping tablespoons of this mixture for the giblet gravy. Pour mixture into a greased pan and bake until dressing is cooked through, about 45 minutes.

Dad says you can also throw in some sweet cooked breakfast sausage in there, but I’m a purist myself and so I don’t bother with that step.  But if you want an extra little something, add the sausage.  You have my Dad’s permission.

Now, a word about pepper.

One year, my Dad got all mad at himself because he thought he used too much pepper in the stuffing.  True, it was mighty potent that year.  But, in my humble under-30-so-what-do-I-know-about-dressing opinion, the spice is what sets this stuffing apart from others I’ve had.  So, feel free to pepper generously, if you ask me.

But, again, what do I know about dressing?

Now, when you put this into a casserole dish, put it into the biggest one you have.  Seriously.  It’s a massive amount of food.  But don’t you worry your pretty little head about not being able to eat it all.  The best part about this dressing is that it is even better as leftovers.  I cut a big hunk out of the dish and eat it cold for breakfast the next morning.  And then I reheat it with turkey and all the fixin’s for lunch the next day.  And dinner.  And breakfast the day after that.  You’d be surprised at how much of this stuff (ha – get it?  STUFFing?) you can eat over the course of a week.  And you’ll love every single bite.

Have I oversold this recipe?  Am I talking it up only to let you down?

No.  No, I have not.  It is even better than I’ve been able to tell you about, so set your expectations high and then prepare to be impressed.

Just don’t tell anyone where you got the recipe.  Just tell them it’s a little somethin’ you came up with in a pinch.  They won’t believe you, but it will save your life.  Dressing is nothing to mess around with, friends.