When A Yes Person Says No
This morning in church, the sermon was about community and how important it is to be involved and form relationships with others. It was centered around introducing the new fall line up of classes and small groups our church is offering this year. The sermon ended about 15 minutes early and the minister said the last 15 minutes were intentionally being left so that we could meet the new small group leaders and join a class. Or, at the very least, we could turn to the people sitting next to us in the pews and spend a few minutes getting to know them. I thought it was a really neat idea. I like meeting new people and, even though I’m shy, situations where EVERYONE is forced out of their comfort zone makes me feel a little more confident.
Chris and I turned and met this young couple sitting down the pew from us. They were expecting their first child in January and were closing on their first house next week. Turns out, we actually had a lot in common. People were wrapping up their conversations and so rather than checking out the small groups, Chris and I headed out to pick the kids up from the nursery.
On the way home from church, I made a big decision. I’m going to start saying no.
I like to be involved. I like to make people happy. And so, if someone asks me to do something, I tend to do it. Incidentally, this is how I became the co-chair for the entire Pre-K Vacation Bible School at our church next summer… The thing is, I actually like volunteering and being involved. It makes me feel good, I meet nice people, and I’m able to give back in thanksgiving of my own blessings. Volunteering, leadership, and being involved have always been part of my life. But I am starting to feel that changing a little bit.
It’s not that my feelings about doing so much have changed – I still want to be a yes person and say yes to everything someone asks of me – but I can feel that tugging on my family dynamic a little bit. On a good day when everything is going right, the kids are behaving, Chris and I are at the top of our game, the wind is blowing just right, and the sun, moon, and stars all align, I can handle everything on my plate. I meet deadlines. I make it to meetings. I answer emails. I make tissue paper pom poms for my classroom. I stuff gift bags for the nursery workers. I donate boxes of clothes to a women’s shelter with a church group. When everything is going my way, I can meet all the obligations I have. But if one little thing is off, I drop all those balls in the air.
I’ve been thinking about that lately as we move into this new house and begin a new chapter in our lives. Not only is this a new physical place for us, but it’s the beginning of a lot of new things. Bean is getting big so fast and in the next year he’ll start playing soccer and join the children’s choir at church. Gracie will grow up just as quickly and before you know it there will be ballet recitals and piano lessons and Girl Scout troop meetings. And it’s not that those things are going to take over my life so I have to cut out my things to make room, it is truly that I WANT to be part of those things. I WANT to be there with my kids. I WANT to sit down to dinner every night together as a family. I WANT to have days where we have no obligations at all. I WANT all of that.
What I don’t want is to become one of those people who’s known for not following through or, even worse, who is not dependable. I don’t want to be one of those frazzled women who run from function to function, just to prove they can. I don’t want to be spread so thin that nothing has value anymore.
And so, I’ve decided it’s time for me to start saying no. I started this morning with the small groups at church. Normally, that would be right up my alley, but I really just don’t have an extra night a week for eight-weeks to participate. Before, I might have joined and then just gradually faded out because I didn’t have time to attend all the meetings, but now I’m looking at things from the long-term. I know I won’t be able to meet that commitment. Quite honestly, I know I don’t WANT to make that kind of commitment, no matter how worthwhile the group might be. So, I’m saying no. And I don’t feel bad about that, either. Because every time I say no, what I’m really saying is that I value time with my family and friends over that commitment.
I still believe in setting the example of giving back and getting involved for my kids and for myself, too. I still love the things I am a part of and so I’m going to continue those happily. But I think, for a while, I’m going to take a little break on saying yes to anything new. I have two young kids, a new house, a full-time job, a blog, a 31 Gifts business, a husband, and friends and family. At some point, something would have to give. And I’m making it my new mission to make sure that none of those things are sacrificed. I’d rather do those few things really well, then try to do a lot of other things poorly.
So, with a completely clear conscious and a happy, full heart, I’m going to have to say, “Thanks, but no.”
What about you guys? Am I the only one who struggles with finding balance when you have small kids? Does balance come more naturally the older your kids get or do you always have to intentionally seek it? What say you, Imaginary Friends?
32 Comments
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
i don’t have children, but I don’t think you have to have them to struggle with finding balance. I’m a full-time graduate student and I also work full time. I’m in a committed relationship. A long time ago, I realized I’d have to start saying “no” or I’d lose both my sanity and the closeness to my family that I wanted. I still struggle with telling people I can’t be in this organization or attend that function or what have you. But it’s like my mom always says, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
Meredith
I just had my first child in May but this has long been my problem before finding out I was pregnant. I say yes to everyone! I have discovered that me saying, “Let me get back to you” and then later turning down that person allows me to weight all of the pros and cons and then get out of something that causes me to have less time with my family and less obligations. I received this advice from a fellow teacher on my grade level at my school. Had she not given me this advice, I may have sat on every single committee that asked me join to them. I still find that I have to push away the guilty feelings that I somethings get from saying, “No,” but obviously it is worth it in the long run.
Alaina
You are totally not the only person who has this problem! I struggle with it all the time, but sometimes, like you said, you do have to put your family first. Having that time where you don’t have any obligations is important. It’s hard to do but sometimes you just have to do it!
Tara@Faith Confessions
It is funny I was so worried about being a yes person and a people pleaser that I would attend functions, move places, or change my life just for other people. I finally realized after much prayer and reflection on our family that Yes needed to be reserved for those who I truly wanted to be with and for events that mattered to me. Life changes when all of a sudden you are living with children and you want to be with them. I was in the same boat with bible studies/small groups but felt such a need for one so I found one online that can be done in the mornings before the baby wakes up. I am thrilled when I see the difference between the activities I know I need and those I just want to join because I “should” it is not always easy but when I sit back and really ask myself if I should be there or do it I can usually give myself a quick answer. Enjoy the year and know that you are giving so much back to those around you as well as your family!
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
I feel the same way, that if one ball is dropped, they all tumble. Good for you for getting your priorities in order and sticking to them! The second part’s where I struggle. 🙂
Jessica
Kudos to you for realizing this! I know I really struggle with saying no, especially when it is to things I know I would enjoy. However, there has to come a point when I have to do what is best for me and my family and being stretched thin is no good!
Lisa
I also have a hard time saying no. I got a new job a few months ago and said yes to anything and everything that came my way, just because I had the free time and I could say yes – something I hadn’t been able to do in over 3 years. Over the past month or so, I’ve gradually been saying no and focusing on the things that really matter to me. It’s been wonderful and surprisingly, I don’t feel guilty at all about it. Hoping the same for you!!
Laura B
I could have written this post! My girls are 6 and 3 and it seems like life gets busier all the time. Saying ‘No’ will probably never be easy for me but with some practice, it’s getting a little bit easier. And the bonus is, it makes me really sure that if I say ‘Yes’ it’s because I really mean it.
Natalie @ Queen of Whirled
This is something I struggle with constantly. I am just wired to take on too much (it’s what my blog is all about). Then I burn out. It’s all about finding a balance between doing what you love, being with your family, and being the person you want/others need you to be. It’s hard to find and maintain that balance.
momiss
You are right on target, in my opinion. Our world has changed, for the worse, because we have let our family unit practically disappear. It’s not even normal for families to have a meal at night now because of all the practices. Let your kids be at home and be kids for as long as possible. Jr. High is plenty old enough to play whatever besides baseball in the summer. Get back to the basics and do not let “the world” pressure you into doing anything you don’t actually want to do. Once they are gone, that’s it. Treasure the time you have them at home. You will never regret it. Keep in mind I’m down to my last two and hindsight is always 20/20.
Laura @ Casa del Hansen
My husband says I have the word “sucker” scrolling as a marquee across my forehead – for this very reason! I think many women have the problem in that we like to listen and hear people out, and help them if we can (it goes with the mothering instinct). That leads so very easily into saying yes far too often… and I wish I could say acknowledging that about myself helps me out (in the past month, I’ve added way too many things to my plate, as well, for the exact same reason as you). I agree that in this instance, there CAN be too much of a good thing (feeling good about volunteering), and I’m glad you’re working to find a balance. You inspire so many of us in so many ways, Katie, and I can’t wait to be inspired by you in this, too!
Abbie
I learned a while ago that I needed to start saying “no”. I still don’t like it, and I still feel like I am being judged, but for my physical and mental health, I need to say no! Even when I am flat out told that “well, you aren’t married and you don’t have any kids- you have more time than anyone else, what reason do you have to say no?” Rudeness, I know, but I have actually been told that on several occasions. I say no, because I have a demanding job and I still need time with friends and family just like everyone else! I help where I feel it is important, but only on my terms. Keep it up- it get’s easier to say it the more you practice it!
Sarah H.
Ahh it’s been so long since I’ve had the time to write a nice long comment to your post! I think this post and the post on Bean’s new daycare were perfect timing for me! I went back to work two weeks ago and M-W were GREAT –kinda like Bean at his daycare it was exciting. I had a routine! I saw adults! I could eat and use the restroom when I needed! But Thursday came along and I was starting to miss the munchkin and just want to hold and rock her BUT I’m the lead singer in our praise band and I had said (2 months before) I could come to practice that night. Not wanting to be a slacker or flakey I left for practice from from 6:15-8pm after being away at work from 8-4:30pm. And my heart wasn’t in it, and I didn’t enjoy it–something I use to love. And everytime they said “work on this at home for Sunday” I’d cringe. When the heck could I work on learning new music? I got home and cired- a lot. I felt so bad for leaving Natalie and after a good long talk with my Mom I elarned it’s OK to not be involved in everything I was before I had her. Even if I did like it, I like my evenings with my baby more. And in the future I’ll go back–but not right now. I mean at that time she was 8 weeks old and it was my first week back at work and it was WAY too much at once. And my Mom said the same thing–better I tell them now I won’t be coming to practice then to show up off and on and be flakey and be that person no one can depend on. That’s not me. The big thing I do right now is I’m an ordained member of the Session (A governing body of the Presbyterian Church). So I’m always answering e-mails and voting on things besides our monthly meetings.
I think this is a WONDERFUL post and you do A LOT already-and you’re making smart Mommy decisions! I think it’ll be better when the kids are older and the things you’re putting time into is something they benefit from (ie scouts, VBS, etc).
Lindsey
What perfect timing! I had this same revelation this week as well. Funny – mine came in the form of a Pampered Chef host invitation. A friend asked me to host a party and at first I was like “That can’t be hard – I could do that.” But then I got to thinking – I have a 2 year old, we’re expecting our second baby in 2 months, we just moved into a new house two weeks ago, I have NO extra time right now. So I said no – which was hard for me to do, but it felt good. I probably could have done it, but I didn’t WANT to – and didn’t want to add anything unnecessary to my plate.
Anyway, thanks for justifying my feelings. I’m with you!!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Yes!!! I love the word “no”. Good job Katie – stick with it. You’ll find that this is a habit that is easy to keep.
Sharlee@believinginsomething
Oh my goodness, you are so not the only one! I think this is such a much needed post, especially for women. As a whole, I think we all work hard and do a lot for our families and friends where we can. Yet, we always look and see “yes people” doing what we think is so much more. We compare ourselves, get down on ourselves, and that makes us agree to do things just out of that feeling. I find myself resentful when I do that. I have been thinking much along these same lines. I really like that you see a “no person” as a person with different priorities. I like that. I’m stealing it, if you don’t mind 🙂
laurenbtrain
I am totally a “yes” person as well and have a hard time saying no. I feel guilty turning people away and not plugging in or helping somewhere however I have to remind myself that a need doesnt constitute a call. Often times I could be stepping in out of guilt when there really is someone better who is called {and would want} to fill the spot. I totally agree with all you have said and I think that there are seasons for everything. Maybe next time small groups roll around that will be a time where you feel like you can jump in for a season. For me, small groups are the circles that fill me up and keep me going on days that I cant go any more. It gives me one more connect with the Lord and stretches me and grows me in that relationship while surrounding me with others who can love, support and keep me accountable. On the flip side, I find that small group as well as family life take up my nights so I end up turning down other volunteering opportunities. Anyway, seasons for all and you are so wise to be able to recognize the time you have and the importance of taking care and investing in yourself and you family! You are awesome, Katie!!
Donna
As a parent to a 12 year old and a 3 year old, it just takes practice and seeing what is really important to you and your family. My oldest wanted us at every practice when he was younger, but now he realizes that games are what is most important to him so he is fine when we drop him off at practice, but my youngest will not let me leave her gymnastics class (this is mainly an age thing). That being said I wouldn’t miss the practices for the first few years for anything, there was something funny happening all the time not to mention to the ouchies that only mom can make feel better.
Nate's Mom @ NateisGreat
Here’s what I’ve learned so far in parenthood: a) you can have some of the good things we want in life all of the time — but not all and b) change is the only constant. Saying no is awesome. It releases my shoulders from my ears, it lets me focus on what’s important, and it allows my mind to stop racing at night. I don’t need to do a million things to prove I’m a good mom who can do things – I just need to raise Nate right and take care of my family and the rest will come. And the moms who do want to do those things — well, they can do them for me. I’ve also got a list of other things I want to get done. Think they’d help with that, too? PS Love the total random distal point by Bean in that family photo. I’ve decided he must be pointing to an iguana.
Amy
I went to a Hearts at Home conference earlier this year and one of my favorite take aways related exactly to this. Don’t take on more than you can handle. The speaker’s suggestion was to have only one “major” and one “minor” at a time. A “major” was something larger and recurring – teaching Sunday School, volunteering at an animal shelter weekly, watching a friend’s child, etc. The “minor” was a shorter term commitment, like making a meal for a new mom, helping with a classroom party at school, etc. I really liked her approach to stretching yourself too thin and thought the major/minor methodology was spot on. Good luck saying “NO!”. 🙂
Abby @ They Lend Me Their Hearts
I used to answer people’s requests too quickly with an enthusiastic “sure!” only to wish the next day I had taken more time to think about it. A couple years ago I started making it a point to stop answering people’s immediately. Even if I just asked if I could get back to them later that day, it gave me time to form an opinion before I blurted out my answers!
Also, don’t forget to leave time for yourself too!
Tara
I really liked this post. I have a 9 month old baby and just moved to a new state. I was very busy back at home. Baby, husband, family, friends, job, a business, and involved in church stuff. Now, for the moment, it’s just my baby, my husband and family. Plus my blog, which I have been doing a lot more with. Just last night I was telling my husband that I have never felt more inconsequential in my life. I have always been “somebody” in town, now I am just another stranger. But what I like is I can re-make my life the way I want it, starting from scratch. But what will that be? That is the question I am pondering right now.
Susie
I know this is going to come across as judgey, and I apologize for that in advance, because judging isn’t my intent. Saying no is perfectly fine and I agree, most of us moms/wives DO have a hard time with that. It’s what you said no TO that leads me to respond. Since you asked for opinions, here’s mine – and again, just an opinion because of what I know in MY life – that if I don’t put God first, NOTHING falls into place. My family life suffers, my job suffers, my relationships suffer….period. I too have looked at church invitations with a “just one more thing????” attitude but ultimately those kinds of obligations are the ones that make me feel like my head and heart are in the right place. I do say no to other things – but not the ones that make me feel spiritually fed. Or I try not to anyway. 🙂 And as an added bonus, the people that I find myself joined to in these church-based obligations are the ones who want to know how to pray for me and help lift me up when I need it most.
Again, just my perspective. Throwin’ it out there. 🙂
Susie
I came back and almost deleted my comment because the last thing I would want to do is hurt ANYONE’S feelings and I could see how what I’ve said might. This IS just my opinion, and hope it can be taken just as that – and nothing malicious. I am the most far from perfect person I know…I would never try to make someone feel that way.
Katie
I’ve read for a long time and never responded, but I wanted to through something out there that someone told me a few years ago. I’m also one of those people that always says yes to everything. They said if I continue to say yes to everything, or don’t ask for help, I’m taking away someone else’s blessing they could receive in that task. If you don’t feel like you can add one more thing to your list right now, it may be because God is telling you someone else needs the blessing that will come out of being involved in that activity and He has a different plan for you.
Katie
Meant throw, not through. It’s been a long day. Wouldn’t you know my first comment would have a mistake?!
Sharon
My kids are 8,11 and 14 and I totally get your post. They are in three different sports every fall and that is my crazy time as I am a teacher too. My oldest had freshman orientation today and there were plenty of opportunities to sign up for things but I just said no! The guilt is there but I just can’t add anything to my plate now.
Stacy
I 100% have the same issue. I don’t work and only have one child, but am very involved in our church’s music ministry. I am also on the steering committee for a large anual market that is totally non-profit and fair-trade. I also teach religious ed. My husband also volunteers for about 3 or 4 groups at our church, in addition to his FT job. Someone once told me that while you might be saying “no” to something… You’re saying “yes” to your family… AND giving someone else the chance to say “yes”. Its hard, but something to keep in mind!
Waiting for Bulgaria
I struggle with the same problem, but I’ve learned (or maybe I’m still learning) that it’s okay to say “no”. My husband is the youth pastor at our church and my father-in-law is the pastor, and so we get invited to and expected to be involved in a lot of things. But I finally just said I can’t continue to do it all. I can’t be everything to everyone, and I don’t want to be. I’ve also had to learn to say no at work. I have a boss that is a workaholic and sometimes thinks school is the most important thing in the world. I’ve finally started saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t do ____________.” It’s not always easy, but it’s necessary.
Katie
Yay you for saying no! I really struggle with this- and am trying to improve. My little girl is now 18 months old, and looking at all the things I am committed to I know I am overstretched. Girl Scout leader, working 2 part time jobs, church volunteer and volunteer with our local breastfeeding group. Oh yeah- wife and mother! I think I will start saying no more often.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
Ugh! I’m SO BAD at saying no! My friend and I were just talking about this. We’re both learning how to set boundaries, how to say “no” when it’s best for our hearts and our families. Sometimes though, it’s so hard to say “no” to something you know is good, in order to have something better. Good for you for making the decision to put first things first.
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
Oh my gosh I am like you too! A couple of years ago I ended up being the secretary and newsletter person for Newcomers group when I was already doing about 439085403845 things. I’m trying really hard not to take on any more but it’s pretty impossible for me to say no.