How to Be Kind
Around the holidays, I participated in something unofficially called “26 Acts of Kindness.” In the days following the horrific shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, Ann Curry (one of my favorite people in broadcasting, for this reason among many, many others), suggested that we all do 26 acts of kindness for random strangers in honor of the 26 lives that were taken. Suddenly, my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram feeds were full of people sharing different random acts of kindness they either did for someone else or had done for them.
I decided that I was going to participate, as well. The Sandy Hook shootings really, really touched me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a mother or a teacher or had recently lost a loved one. Or maybe I was just a regular person with a heart, but I couldn’t handle the media around it. I know it was well-intended and most of it paid honor to the victims, but it just upset me so much that I couldn’t watch any of it. To this day, I have not seen one picture of a victim or read one story about the incident. But it seemed wrong to somehow let the incident pass without somehow marking it, and so I participated.
Turns out, acts of random kindness are kind of hard! It took me a month to complete them all! It was easier to do them for people that I knew. For example, a club at school was selling “PJ stickers” for a dollar one day. Students bought the sticker for a dollar and then got to wear their pajamas to school. When they came around to my first period to sell the stickers, I surprised my whole class by paying for all their stickers. They thought it was awesome!
Later that week, I sent notes to two of my students who had both lost parents this year. It was getting close to the holidays, and I knew that I was going to have a hard time without my dad. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like for those 13-year-old boys. So, I wrote them little notes and slipped them into their folders for my class without any fanfare. I didn’t want to embarrass them, but I wanted them to know that I was thinking about them.
Those kinds of acts were simple and easy because they were right there in front of me. The ones that were harder were the ones I had to go out of my way to accomplish. First, that’s hard because you have to think of an act. And then it’s hard because you have to go out and make that happen. For these kinds, I did things like regifting a few gift cards I received to sales clerks and mailmen. One time, I bought a group of high school kids who were caroling outside our grocery store at Christmas each a chocolate truffle.
Let me tell you something, it was AWKWARD! People weren’t quite sure what to do when someone was randomly nice to them for no real reason. And it was weird to have to initiate conversations with random people and then do something nice for them. (Was that just me? Am I the only one who felt so awkward????)
But every time I did an act, I felt better. I felt bolder. And I felt blessed. My grandma and my mom both say we should be a blessing to others because we have been blessed ourselves. After a few rounds of awkward random kindness, it just started to feel more natural. I also found that the more acts of kindness that I performed, the more opportunities for kindness I found. Pretty soon, I was jumping all over chances to do nice things for people. I’d see a drive thru lane with the window open and someone back at the ordering menu, and I’d screech across three lanes of traffic just to pull in before they had the chance to pay for their meal. It became a rush. A kindness rush. And what a high it gave!
I finished my 26 acts list back in January, and I was kind of sad when I checked my last task off. Since I’ve finished my official list, I’ve cooled down a bit on the hunting down kind acts. But one thing that hasn’t changed is seeing the opportunity to be kind all around me, every single day. Things like calling my students’ parents when the kids are really working hard. Or stopping to talk with a co-worker who recently lost her mother a couple mornings a week, just to make sure she’s doing okay. Or when Chris and I paid for two homeless kids to see a play at his theater through the Homeless Coalition of Orlando. A few days ago, I gave one of Gracie’s teacher’s a ride home from daycare. She has a nine-month old daughter, and I see them catching the bus home every day and I thought, “If I’m able to do something, then I should do something.” This afternoon, I stopped alongside the interstate to help a woman whose TV had fallen out of the back of her van. We stood in the pouring rain and picked up all the pieces, all the while her saying, “I can’t believe someone stopped to help me! I just can’t believe it!”
These acts do not make me a better person than any one else. Acts of kindness actually have nothing to do with the person performing the act. They are about the person or people you are serving. Because when those people are saying, “Thank you for your kindness,” what they are really saying is, “Thank you for thinking I am worth your time and effort. Thank you for making me feel important and special.”
To avoid some of the awkwardness of random acts of kindness, here are a few things I’ve learned:
1. Don’t ask if you can help – just do it! If there’s a new mom or someone else you know who really needs some help, don’t ask her what she needs. Just tell her, “I would really love to come do your dishes” or “I’d really love to come cook you dinner.” Then, let them tell you what time and day works best for them, and get to it. When you make the act of kindness more of a statement, it takes the pressure off of the person you are helping. There’s nothing worse than a person trying to help, but really just making more work for someone. Don’t make them come up with something kind you can do. Pick a kind act, and then tell them that’s what you’d like to do.
2. When you are talking to someone about doing something nice for them, phrase it as if they are helping you out. No one wants a handout. People have pride and feelings and someone sauntering in to save the day is annoying at best and downright degrading at worst. I’ve taken to using the phrase, “Please let me help you with that!” or “Please let me do that for you!” or “Please let me buy that for you!” or “Please let me take care of that!” Putting the action out there as if they are doing you a favor is a much more approachable way to be kind.
3. Just do it! I am the WORST at talking myself out of my best of intentions. I’ll sit there and think something to death until I finally think, “This is going to be a disaster,” and then I never do it at all. Just do it! Go with that knee-jerk reaction to TAKE ACTION. Trust me, even if people think it’s weird at first, when you’re gone and they’re sitting there thinking about what you just did, they will appreciate you. And, hopefully, they’ll feel inspired enough to pass the kindness along.
4. Tell people about it. Unless you’re a blogger, telling people about what you do might seem weird. But you sharing what you’re doing gets the ball rolling for people around you. You don’t have to do an act of kindness for someone in order for the act to be passed forward. Someone might see you doing it or hear you sharing about it, and then they might be inspired secondhand to perform a kind act. Don’t gloat about it, of course. But share ways you’ve found to be kind. It will give people all kinds of ideas. Some of the best acts of kindness I performed this holiday season were ideas I heard other people had done.
5. Don’t make too much conversation with strangers. Don’t take up their time with mindless, polite chatter. Just get in there, do your act of kindness, and get out! For one thing, no one wants to have to sit there and talk for a long time with a stranger – even a stranger who’s doing something nice for them. But for another, I have found that having a lot of conversation gives more of a chance for the person I am serving to turn it around and glorify ME. Standing there talking to someone you’ve just done a nice thing for almost makes the other person feel like they should fill the whole time thanking you. Don’t put the person in that position. Just do your kindness, be short and sweet, and then leave the person alone. Don’t wait around for praise and acknowledgement. Remember, this isn’t about YOU, it’s about the person you are serving.
I am not always a kind person. Don’t let this post fool you. I’ve snubbed people. I roll my eyes. I’ve snuck out a backdoor so that I don’t have to talk to someone. Being kind isn’t about being perfect. It’s about taking time out of your day to put someone else first. To let someone else know that they matter – even if you don’t know anything about them. It’s something that makes you feel better whether you are the giver or the receiver of the kindness. And if that ripple of kindness goes on, it can be something that makes the world a little better and a little kinder.
In the spirit of sharing kindness, please leave a comment today telling about either an act of kindness you have done for someone else, or about an act of kindness someone has done for you. Let’s give each other some ideas for sharing kindness with those around us!
23 Comments
Alaina
Aw, this is wonderful! Good for you! And I, too, love Ann Curry….it’s a shame what they did to her on The Today Show!
Bronwen
One time I was at Carnegie Hall with three of my friends – we were in grad school, so we were excited to see that there was a concert that night with very discounted tickets. When we got to the box office, it turned out that the concert was only for alumni of a certain university (not ours). We stood there trying to figure out if we could afford to go without the discount (a resounding no!) and then a woman came up to us and handed us four tickets. She said she was an alumna of that university and she wanted us to enjoy the concert! Amazing!
Jessica
I loves reading about your acts of kindness! Something that happened to me was: I befriended an older, retired couple that live in the neighborhood over from us. I would walk my dog by their house and we would always end up talking. They knew I was pregnant (obviously by the big belly) and one evening in july we saw a random car pull on our driveway. Out they stepped with a gift for our son. It was an owl stuffed animal because I had told them we were doing owls as an accent in his room! I was so touched and have stopped by many times so they can see Cameron. How sweet!!!
Suzanne
I look for people that I can send gift cards or money to that are having a hard time. If someone blogs about someone or a friend knows someone who is going through a hard time, I’ll send it through the mail.
Or paying for the person behind me in line for something.
I love what you’re doing with this! We all need more kindness in our lives and world.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
Family and friends made us lots of food around the holidays/the birth of our son. They did their best to avoid our other son’s considerable list of allergies, and there was so much, we’re still eating out of the freezer! I loved it! Great Christmas present, and great new baby present, because honestly, we didn’t need much for a second boy. And in a Brooklyn apartment, we really don’t have room for another toy!
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
My mom did this too! 🙂 I am still working on mine. It’s such a great thing to do in honor of the victims of Newtown.
I work as a counseling intern in a school for pregnant and parenting teen girls. For Christmas each year, they allow the girls to pick items from a big “store” they set up in the school, since most of the girls are on government assistance and would never have the money to shop for Christmas gifts. I bought a ton of infant toys since it seemed like we wouldn’t have enough. I didn’t say anything to anyone, just put them in the box in the “store”. It gave me such joy to see girls pick out “my” toys for their kids!
Sheila
We actually do this as a tradition for advent in our house. We have a different kindness act to do each day. Not so random and not always to strangers, but with two little ones out in the boonies spontonaeity is hard. My 5 year old daughters favorites were calling her aunts and uncles (6 of each…) and telling them she loved them and thank you for being her aunt/uncle. They all LOVED it and it sparked some awesome conversations. Her other favorite was picking out toys from our regifting pile to bring to the local food shelf for kids who weren’t getting many presents. I love seeing her learn the compassion and finding ways to make other people happy!!
Katie M
Perfectly timed post. I decided to do an extra kind act every day this Lent, and man it’s hard to think of some good ones. And I can’t afford to take my friends out to lunch every day. Thanks for the reminder and some good tips!
Laura
My favourite acts of kindness are those where random people get together to help one person… We rarely get to see community action like that, all our houses are surrounded by high walls and electric fences…
A while ago, a couple of other neighborhood moms and I stopped to help a homeless, deaf and mute diabetic man who, in his rush to catch a taxi on the other side of town, had become hypoglycemic and passed out on the curb. Everyone scattered to fetch him water, food and some spare cash from their various houses, and drove him in a “mom-convoy” to his bus station. He was so relieved to make it to his bus-ride on time that he burst into tears, and kept writing “thank you” over and over again on his little notebook.
It felt so great to accomplish an act of kindness with three complete strangers… And it’s important to be reminded never to walk away from someone who needs help! (Especially in an area where people tend to be cold and suspicious)
Congrats on completing the 26 acts, that’s amazing!!
Nate's Mom at Nate is Great
We are a herd of turtles over here and are still chugging along to our 26 acts. One of my favorite ones so far is finding our local library’s wish list on Amazon. They had requested a DVD copy of Annie, which was $5. I couldn’t imagine,a better gift than one that would be shared by the community. We also got Nates teacher an Amazon gift card to buy supplies for the class — because no teacher should buy supplies for our kids out of pocket and special ed materials are much more expensive than regular stuff. (She spent it on adaptive paint brushes and craft foam.) My friend also does RAOKs as a countdown to her birthday every year. And her ideas are fun surprises. She’ll hide a $5 in a library book or in a kids’ book at a bookstore with a note. She tapes bags of popcorn to the Redbox machine. Or giving a homemade meal to a homeless person. Regardless of how strapped we all may be with money or time or resources, we *always* have something to give and it feels really good to do it!
HollyT
On April 27th it will have been 10 years since my beloved Dad’s death. I do not want to spend the day sad, I am far too blessed to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I have decided to do 10 random acts of kindness, one for each year he’s been gone, on April 27th. I was actually just sitting here thinking about that when I picked up my phone and read your post! I’m really looking forward to being a blessing that day! I hope it inspires others to be a blessing as well!
Brina
As you know, my life was turned upside down after the holidays. The week of Valentine’s Day, my neighbors (a family of 6) brought me four mini-cupcakes from Sweet and a gift certificate to a local nail salon. They told me that they know I’ve been through a tough time lately, but they wanted me to know that I was loved. It was the most heart-warming moment of my life as the four kids gave me a group hug, yelling “Happy Valentine’s Day, Miss Brina! We love you!”. I will never forget their incredible act of kindness as long as I live! <3
Jenny
I suffer from the same problem as you, I think it to death until it’s too late! I live in the northern mid-west and we got a LOT of snow last week. I stopped to get gas on my way to work, and there was a guy who was shoveling the parking lot! Not plowing, shoveling! So, after I finished getting gas, I went inside, asked the cashier if he drank coffee. She said yes, and I said I’d like to buy him one. I paid for it and left. I never even spoke to him. I felt really good for the rest of the day 🙂
Lee Ann
I, too, was so touched by Ann Curry’s initiation of the 26 Random Acts. I haven’t nearly finished my acts but the one that has meant the most to me is this: The downtown coffee shop/bakery I frequent many mornings has a very sweet and accepting staff. One homeless guy loves the shop as much as I do, and somehow, almost every morning, he has found enough money to pay for his cup of coffee and a cheap pastry. I’m always touched because if we go in the door at the same time, he is such a gentleman, insisting I order first, etc. I’m touched because if no one else is around the check-out counter, the staff give him day-old bread left from the day before. He does not discard his paper coffee cup, but insists that he can re-use it two or three times (but I’ve noticed the staff discreetly changing out his battered paper cup for a new one.) Anyway, right before Christmas, I was in the shop before he was, so asked the barista for a gift card made out to him from Santa, and asked her to give it to him the next time he came in the shop. When I saw her next, she said he was so touched by the gift. He has no idea how touched I am by his grace and attitude in his everyday actions to me and others. (And you have no idea how much I over-thought this small gesture, when I should have acted the moment I thought of it!)
Anna in Ohio
In 2011, on the anniversary of 9/11, I found myself in an airport waiting to board two flights across the country. As I sat in an airport restaurant, I realized that I wanted to do something to honor that National Day of Service, so I anonymously paid for another couple’s lunch. On their receipt, I wrote, “Today and every day, spread love.”
Judy
I paid for the person behind me at Tim Horton’s. As I drove away, I looked back and received the biggest smile and wave. Made my day!!
Lori @ I Can Grow People
I believe in karma and I believe that if you put good out into the world, it will come back to you when you need it the most. I think you should check out http://www.secretagentl.com/ You will find it really, really inspiring!
Lori @ I Can Grow People
Oh, I forgot my acts of kindness part. Last summer, I was on my way to work, my hands full of paint supplies and I was crossing a busy intersection with a blind man. As we were crossing he was slowly heading toward on coming traffic so I started talking to him and telling him to walk toward me so a car wouldn’t hit him. We talked about the weather a bit and then went our separate ways when we reached the corner. And as far as acts of kindness people have done for me: the summer after I graduated from college I headed to Maine for my first summer theatre job. My college boyfriend lived in a town nearby and I was on my way to his house when my car broke down near a 7-11. As I waited for AAA to come, three different people (3!) came up and asked if I needed help. One guy even went so far as to look under the hood and diagnose my car’s problem (he ended up being right, by the way.) That was 12 years ago and that has really stayed with me. Everyone was so nice and helpful. Only in Maine–I can’t imagine people willing to be so nice anywhere else!
Dessi
Every year around Christmas, I return to my elementary school to get angels from their tree. It’s really one of my favorite things about the holidays and I know it’s for kids right in my backyard!
Ginny
You are such an inspiration… and I love that you’re my sister! How lucky am I?!? Last baseball season, JM and I got free, dugout tickets to a Braves game and we were so excited to go. They tickets were AWESOME and came with access to the Club Level and free drinks and food. It was our last opportunity to go before Baby Tillman arrived. A few days before the game, a former boss of mine emailed saying that he’d be traveling to Atlanta and wanted to know if I knew how he and his family could get Braves tickets. He was a HUGE Braves fan and had very recently been diagnosed with Lou Geurig’s disease. He was traveling to Atlanta to see a specialist to help in his treatment. Knowing that it his opportunities to attend his beloved Braves games were dwindling due to the aggressive nature of the disease, JM and I gave him our tickets so he could enjoy. When we let the person know whom had gotten the tickets for us that we would actually be transferring them to someone else’s name, he was so touched that he gave us the same tickets to any other game of our choosing. I’ll always been grateful that we allowed that family the opportunity to find joy together during a trip that was anything buy joyful.
Renee
I did/am still doing the random acts of kindness. I am only on #14, but I’m making my way through. 🙂 For one of them, I bought two newborn sleeper outfits and gave them to the NICU at the hospital to give to some families who might need some cheering up. I attached a note to each saying that, although I didn’t know them, my thoughts and prayers were with them. My son was a NICU baby and I know how hard it can be to sit in that room all day and then have to go home at night.
I also brought cupcakes to the NICU nurses and left a children’s book in the maternity waiting room with a note saying it was for a new big brother/sister.
Melanie L.
Around Christmas time I decided to try and do at least one RAK weekly — I did great in January but have slacked off in February. I paid for someone’s parking at a workshop, anonymously. I bought a sucker for a little boy at a restaurant. (I asked his dad permission first, though). I cooked and brought meals and dessert for a week for my young neighbors when they had their baby. Thanks for the reminder!!
Hope
I think this is great. And the more you do your act of kindness, the more you see need. Isn’t it interesting how that works. I love paying for someones toll, th0ugh since I have an EZPASS, that’s kind of harder to do.