How We Talked to Our Kids About Racism
I’m going to start this post out by saying that I have zero answers for anything happening in our country right now. I have no idea how to love POC better. I have no idea how to work to end the systemic racism in our country. More importantly, I have no idea what it feels like to be Black in America today. So I’m not sharing advice today, but more just a look inside a faithful, middle class, White family during this time. I am sharing only to start the conversation on how we can begin to be part of the change. And I hope that is a conversation we can all have respectfully and lovingly.
I have been heartbroken over the senseless loss of Black lives in the past few weeks. And I have been prayerful. So very, very prayerful because this is something that is too big for me or you alone. This is about changing hearts and minds and that is something I feel the Lord moving through. But in my Bible readings, I have also become angry. I have felt the wrath of God for the city of Nineveh. I’ve spent time with Jesus in the temple when he flipped tables and called out religious leaders. I have been drawn to the Old Testament God, whose wrath and anger at the sinful ways of man was hard to stomach, but also hard to ignore. And through that anger, I have become able to begin to understand the protesting and even the rioting of the past week, even though it made me uncomfortable and scared me.
When things like this happen in our world, my first reaction is “What can I do, right here, where I am?” And when I reflected on my own White privilege and unintentional racism, I also reflected on my children. And I decided that I can start there. I can raise my children to be better than this world right now. And so, Chris and I have had several conversations with our kids about what is happening around us right now.
I debated even talking to them at first. In my Southern, 80’s child mindset, you shouldn’t mention someone’s race. You shouldn’t call attention to it. That’s how I was raised. Not in a hateful way, but in a good manners kind of way. It would be rude to point out someone’s skin color or to distinguish one race from other. I still feel uncomfortable doing that. But then I thought to myself that the alternative to not calling out the blatant racism against Blacks in our country is to never give it a name. To never call it by name. To never verbally acknowledge that Black Americans are treated differently than White Americans. And while even writing that sentence makes me uncomfortable, it feels shameful to not make that distinction right now.
The first thing we did with our kids was explain to them about the three most recent incidents against Black lives that had incited the anger. I explained that George Floyd had a police officer bear down on his neck until he died. We talked about the unfair privilege we have that when we call the police, we don’t have to worry or even consider if they will protect or harm us, but that our Black friends sometimes do. We talked about all the wonderful examples of law enforcement in our lives, particularly those who serve on our school campuses, and how grateful we were for the hard work they do in our communities every day. But we also said that, like in any job, there were always those who didn’t have good hearts, and sometimes those without goodness in them turn that violence and hatred onto our Black friends.
We shared about Ahmed Aubrey and that he was running through a neighborhood when two men shot and killed him right in the street just because they thought he might have broken into someone home. We talked about judging someone on the spot and only seeing skin color. We talked about our unfair privilege to go for a run in our neighborhood without fear of being attacked by someone. And we talked about how we could make sure we made the world safe for Black friends to simple BE in, just like we get to be.
We also told them about Breonna Taylor. We explained the police busted into her home and accidentally shot her when they were looking for someone else. We talked about how scary it must be to worry that even in your own home, in your comfortable bed at night, you might not be safe. We also talked about how often it was happening that Black people were being mistaken for someone else and killed – about how taking action before you have thought something through and have evidence to support your action can have severe consequences on other people. (A good life lesson for all of us that supersedes even race.)
We talked about the riots that were happening around the country. We showed them pictures of one because Gracie didn’t know what the word riot meant and Bean said he hadn’t seen one before (we used a pretty PG image for this). I equated it to when someone gets so angry and they feel like their words aren’t being heard and so they take physical action to show their anger. I connected it to when Bean got mad at Gracie for something last week. She was really the one who was doing something wrong, but because Michael was so frustrated, he hauled off and broke something of hers just because he was frustrated. Chris and I had punished Michael for breaking Gracie’s toy, but the real problem we disciplined harder was Gracie who was instigating Michael’s anger.
Since that one heavy conversation, I’ve had smaller, more casual discussions with each of the kids, too. I asked them what things their Black friends might have to think about or worry about that we might not. The kids said things like being blamed for things at school that weren’t really their fault and playing outside without their parents nearby were brought up. Neither of the kids were scared in any of our conversations. That was a big priority. We want them to know enough to make a difference, but not enough to make them scared of the world around them. We want them to be aware, not afraid.
There’s no right way to talk about racism, I don’t think. I am sure we fumbled through that conversation, but the point is that we had the conversation. And we will keep having it because changing our country begins at home.
What about you guys? What are you telling your kids, if anything? What have your conversations been like with them? Do you have any good resources to share? Help us mommas out!
10 Comments
Koren Alexandra Daniel
Long time reader. Definitely not your typical reader; I’m a 29 year old, childless, Black woman. I’m not even sure how I found your blog… I was probably the only 20 year old black girl reading your blog way back when.
Nonetheless, I’ve always admired how you and your husband parent your children with intention and thoughtfulness. The random parenting moments you share have always resonated with me and I hope to model those moments whenever I have children of my own.
Thank you so much for talking with your children about race in America. I don’t have any answers, either. But I know the conversations MUST happen, so my future kids and your kids won’t have the same troubles we are living in right now.
Shannon
What a great place to start. I am a woman of color, Black woman, and also by dna , multiracial. The conversation with children is a great place to start. It does not matter that you know not what to say, but that you have said something , is ❤️… I’ve read, loved and enjoyed your blog since.. gasp Your Bean was a baby! Your honesty and authenticity is refreshing. I pray that we all continue to talk to everybody that we know. God changes hearts. Our job is to follow Him. I am praying for all humanity because God who created us all, did so with diversity in mind. If you’d like to hear an awesome conversation between two great pastors, teachers and thought leaders who happen to be friends; please listen to the talk from this past Sunday between Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Chirch and Pastor John Gray of Relentless. A conversation that demonstrates where our society can begin. ❤️ Xoxo
Katie
Thank you for the sermon suggestion! I listen to sermons sometimes on my walks. I’ll have to listen to this one next. Thank you for sharing. I am listening and learning from you. xoxo
Katie
Thank you, Koren. I’m so glad you are one of my imaginary friends. xoxo
Nylse Esahc
You’re a reader, so expose your children to books by various authors. Read books by Black Authors, then talk about them. Read different genres also, because there is no 1 black experience.
Be authentic – share your experiences with others and be open to hearing other’s experiences. Value their experiences also.
Today my daughter and I went to a peaceful protest – it gave me goosebumps to see every shade of person marching in solidarity for the cause. #BlackLivesMatter
Keep having the conversation; it’s ongoing.
Don’t minimize another’s experience and don’t justify all lives matter in the same breath as black lives matter.
Katie
Yes! Great idea about the books. I just finished reading a read aloud with the kids last night (Island of the Blue Dolphin – one of my favorites!). Maybe our next book should be a Black author about Black culture in America. Great idea and perfect timing for my family! Thank you!
Nicky
Great post! I would encourage you to look up the officer Tatum, who is a black ex-cop on YouTube, as he walks you through the Amaud case. As in fact, the evidence supports that he was not just running through his neighborhood. I truly have a feeling there will be a non-guilty verdict in that case. (Just so you don’t mislead your children). No critisicim here. I just really encourage getting all the facts. Plus not to ignore that there have been more officers killed than black men in recent years. All lives matter and as a LEO wife I’m very fearful for my husbands life. In the last few years we have seen officers shot and killed in a restaurant or on the street just because of their uniform.
However, I’m very aware that black lives are the ones who suffer all the racism and so yes even though all lives matter this is a time we do leave the 99 to support that 1. Prayers for all people of color and officers alike who fear for their lives at the moment.
Your blog is my favorite to read because of your straightforwardness and openness! Keep it up.
Katie
Thank you, Nicky. And thank you to your husband for the important work that he does.
Bailey
I’ve been actively involved in anti-racism work for the past year and a half and despite the huge amounts of learning I’ve done in that time, I still struggle with what to say to my kids. It’s not easy but it’s necessary. I try to make sure they understand racism in a holistic way and that it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The events of today have been shaped by 400 years of history, a history they generally aren’t taught in school.
We occasionally have big conversations with our kids about race, like now, but I try to always point out prejudices they may not see or understand in the flow of day to day life. Talking to kids about racism isn’t one and done like talking to kids about the birds and the bees! We’ve spoken often about color blindness and how it isn’t helpful for white people to say they don’t see color. Everyone sees color- the problem is we need to not treat people differently because of it.
I’m so glad to see you post about this. It’s something white parents all across America need to be doing. A few books I’ve read that have helped me to understand better so that I can then communicate with my kids are:
“White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo
“I’m Still Here” by Austin Channing Brown
“How to Be an Anti-Racist” by Ibram X. Kendi
PaulineM
Thank you for talking to your kids about racism and for writing about it. If we don’t start with our kids we loose the greatest opportunities to change the world. I am writing from Germany, we have racism here too and it seems to be on the rise what scares me too. It is somewhat different over here (as we have a different history) but in the end it is the same denying people the same rights as we have.
I don’t have an answer to your questions but just one thought to begin with. We all should tell ourselves the same thing each morning and act like that throughout the day: All Men Are Created Equal!