The Land of Before
The past week and a half at my house have been pretty rough. Awful actually. To put it bluntly, I feel like I’ve entered Dante’s tenth circle of hell. Harsh, but true.
Beanie has been sick with a cough that makes him sound like he’s been smoking for 50 years. On top of that he’s been constipated – and for those of you without children, let me just summarize that experience by saying “USE BIRTH CONTROL!” And as if those two things weren’t enough for poor Beanie to deal with, he started going through another rough couple days of teething.
Oh, yeah. And he’s got diaper rash.
(If you are so inclined to read more about Beanie’s last week, jump on over to The Bean’s page.)
Yep. Its been all sunshine and giggles at my house. The absolute worst part of it all is that Beanie hasn’t slept through the night in…oh…two weeks now? He sleeps from about 8:00 PM until midnight and that’s about it. He’s awake the rest of the night. Crying. That means Chris and I have been awake the rest of the night as well. Crying. And as if ALL OF THAT weren’t enough fun, I now have Bean’s cold and I feel like I’m dying a slow death. All I want to do is sleep. And guess what I can’t do at night? SLEEP!
I hear this is how they train military for war. They make them stay awake for excessive periods of time.
I’m just throwing that out there for perspective.
IT’S BEEN ROUGH, MAN! ROUGH!
The trouble with these trifectas of horror situations is that they take a toll on everyone. Individually, all three of us are just about at the end of our rope. And it wears on your marriage, too. I don’t care how much you love your spouse or how happy of a couple you normally are, take away sleep and add a crying baby and suddenly you will start to notice things that you may not have noticed before. You start to count the number of times each of you gets up in the night with the baby and you start to keep score. You start to insist that the other is not pulling his weight. Is not giving enough. Is not suffering as much as you are. And you start to nag.
“Can’t you see that the baby needs a bottle?”
“Can’t you smell that the baby needs a diaper change?”
“Can’t you tell that the baby is about to scream?”
“The baby, the baby, the baby…”
Its tough. Logically, I know that Chris is doing just as much – if not more – than I am. He’s up every other time the baby cries at night. He’s doing bathtime and bottles and diapers just as fast as I am. But in the middle of the night, when I’m coughing and hacking myself, and the baby just keeps crying and crying and crying, the only other person there to take any weight off my shoulders is Chris. And as tired and strung out as I am, he’s right there with me. So when I snap at him, he snaps right back at me.
Saturday night some sort of clarity sank in for me though. The baby had been waking up every 20 minutes for a couple hours. It was about 4:00 in the morning and Chris and I had been taking turns with him in the nursery. Finally, after one especially long crying period, both of us ended up standing in the nursery, looking into the crib at our crying son.
“What do we do?” Chris yelled over the crying.
“I don’t know,” I said.
And so we continued to stand there, side by side, doing the best we could to just be there for Beanie. Standing there, side by side, I started to feel more like we were on the same team. I remembered that we were in this together. That we were partners. And that made me feel a little stronger inside.
Beanie finally slept for a few hours, which gave Chris and I a much needed break from the crying. But when he woke up around 8:00 that morning, he started crying all over again. This time, we put him in the car and drove around. He fell asleep right away, leaving Chris and I in blessed silence for a while.
As we drove, we talked. We talked about all the things in the past few days that we hadn’t had time to talk about yet. We talked about what we thought was wrong with Beanie. We talked about other things we could try doing for him. We talked about how bad we felt for him and how much we wished we could make it go away.
And then we allowed ourselves to go to that place that no parent ever lets themselves go for very long. A place called The Land of Before. It started with a joke from Chris about how we used to sleep until 9:00 AM on weekends before the Bean. Can you imagine? 9:00AM!! Wasn’t that incredible?!? And then that slippery slope led to other remember when’s. Remember when we used to go out to dinner to an actual restaurant? Remember when we used to stay up late because we knew we could sleep in? Remember when we used to go to New York for the night just because? Remember when… And for a good half an hour, we drove around and talked and laughed about our life before the Bean.
I realized then as we drove with our cranky, sick, sleeping baby in the backseat, that this is what they mean when they say to marry your best friend. In the middle of those nights, those days, those weeks, months, and even years, when life seems to be just overwhelmingly difficult, you don’t care that the person next to you is good looking or an accomplished doctor or that he knows how to pick a good bottle of wine. You don’t care if he gets along with your mother or if he chomps incredibly loudly on ice. When you’re in the trenches, you just want your best friend in there with you. Someone who can stand in a nursery with you on those long, endless, crying nights. And someone who can laugh with you after being awake for days. Someone that you can admit to that sometimes, just sometimes, you wish you could take a break from being a mom. Someone that can go to The Land of Before with you, knowing that even as you joke and laugh, neither of you really wants to go back to Before anyway.
That’s the kind of person you should marry. The best friend kind.
When we we pulled back into our driveway and Beanie finally woke up, we were all in a better mood. Beanie because he had some sleep, and Chris and I because we had each other.
25 Comments
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com
I’m smiling for you =) You’re a lucky woman to have married your best friend.
Jordan
sometimes your posts make me want to have a baby, sometimes they make me not want to. This one made me happy to be married to my best friend and gave me the faith that we’ll be able to make it through babyhood when that time eventually comes.
Katie
That is exactly how we felt about having a baby, too. Some days it sounded like a great idea, some days not so much. But its nice to know that if and when the time comes, you’ve got someone standing beside you.
Jackie
And one day, you wake up and can be proud because your kids have turned out just like you hoped they would. And even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, they are doing just fine. And you (me) can enjoy them and the grandchildren that come along and still go to a KISS concert and have a blast now that they’re all grown. I love you guys! I hope everybody gets to feeling better and rest well soon.
Tressa
This post made me cry…for more than one reason.
I’m sorry things are rough right now. I hope everybody gets to feeling better and gets rested.
Hang in there…for the long haul!
Taryn
Well- there is some birth control if I have ever heard it. And yet- I feel so strangely at peace with the possibility of that fun in my future. Thanks for sharing.
Danimezza
Your posts are so timely… it’s kind of scary. Aidan’s been wanting to feed every 2 hours the last week and it’s driving me round the bend. Thankfully he still has a 5 hour block of sleep at night but from then on it’s every 2 hours. It’s stretching my will to continue breastfeeding. So as you can imagine I’m battling inside, hardly getting any sleep and taking it out on hubby. I’m noticing small things like he doesn’t do anything for Aidan (or me) whilst The Simpsons is on. Worst part is I don’t think he realises he does it. But then we lay in bed, talk it out and end up laughing… because he’s my best friend.
Jayme
You poor thing!!! Sorry you have had a rough time in your house lately!!! It’s awesome that you have your best friend to go through this with 🙂 And if the bean ever gets… uh backed up again 😉 try about an ounce of prune juice and an ounce of water. I have noticed that the juice works faster than the baby food prunes. and as for teething, have you tried Teething tablets? I’m not convinced they work 100% or if they just distract the baby, but what ever can buy you a few minutes of quiet.
Bill
Just too true – I am not sure if I am inspired by the challenge or scared … either way I agree whole heartedly!
whitney
The Land of Before was great. The Land of Now is great. All in completely different ways, of course. I love reading other people’s take on life with a new baby. Especially you because you appreciate the past AND the present. And both are absolutely priceless.
Camille
You have just expressed–quite eloquently, might I add-one of my major fears about having kids. The fear that I might want to go back to the Land of Before, but won’t be able to. Yeesh.
Also, hello?? Me on the blogroll? I’m so honoured. Saying I’m hysterical is a better compliment than saying I have nice cha-chas. It’s just…the best. So thanks.
Jamie
Thanks for the reminder to marry your best friend. I am young and not married but I want to be in the next couple years. It is always good to see what people say really matters when looking at who to date. Being friends really is important. Thanks for shining a bit more light on that advice.
Corinn
Katie, this was perfect. Porter is just shy of three months and my husband and I have gone through these same moments. We, too, are high school sweethearts (met when I was 15, he was 17) and I agree completely, best friends are the best kind!
Athol
Miralax for the constipation. It’s the only thing that really works, and the only thing you can sneak into their bottle that they have no clue they are drinking something resembling medicine.
My own daughter had terrible constipation issues when she was tiny, and the Miralax literally changed her life. We were put on it by a GI specialist at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center. It’s over the counter now. The trick is to use a little bit each day and avoid constipation rather than big doses to try and clear things once they are stuck. After that you slowly taper it down. My daughter was on it from age 1.5 to about 3. I would not care to relive age 1 to 1.5 though… simply horrible for everyone.
Kelly H
I am married to my best friend also. We have been married 14 years and it keeps getting better! It definitely saw us through some tough times with twins. They are five now and I am still tired from those early days. We have visited The Land of Before many, many times – especially in the early days!
Try to get Bean’s bum as much air as possible. It is the best thing for it. Lay him over an open diaper or a towel for a little bit each night. My daughter was the queen of rashes and that worked the best.
Sarah Barker
Love your post Katie!! Anytime I think I’m ready for kids, I read your blog and think, “nah, I can wait a little longer”. Scott thanks you. 🙂
You gave a perfect description of what marriage really is- all couples should read this post.
Sarah H.
I agree with what Jordan said. And also, thank you Katie for yor honesty 🙂
Kelly H.
And I will so be taking my birth control pill tonight…I love your honestly though!
Looking € oHeaven
I married my best friend too. We have been together through thick and thin for almost 14 years. We are so blessed.
A quick word about diaper rash. My mom is a wound care specialist and therefore privy to awesome products for skin care. The products I am about to tell you about can be bought at any pharmacy or medical supply house that carries ostomy supplies. The first is called Ilex. It’s a paste. The second is called Aloe Vesta by Convatec, it’s a cream moisture barrier.
Carry the Ilex in your pocket for about 20 minutes so it’s warm. Apply to the infected area just before you put the Bean to bed. Cover it with the Aloe Vesta. Depending on the severity of the rash it will heal in one to two nights. Keep his bum covered with the Aloe Vesta during the day. It’s worth the effort to find and purchase I promise!
Mommas Soapbox
I’m glad you got back to the land of before… It’s a great place to visit from time to time.
After being married to my Hunk for 21 years and 4 rugrats later…… if it weren’t for being married to my best friend and being able to laugh and occasionally escape to the Land Before…. well…… lets just say UGLY…
This too shall pass……and I can tell you will be standing side by side watching your Bean walk down the aisle marrying his “best friend” one day…..
It goes that quickly…
Enjoy!
Kara
What a great story! Reminds me of the nights my husband and I were in the trenches with an inconsolable baby and had no idea what to do. I’m so glad my best friend was there doing it with me…no matter what mean names I called him that night.
Renee
A friend of mine and her husband have a deal that what ever they say in the middle of the night doesn’t count in the morning…for all of the reasons you have mentioned here!!
Army Mom
Our sons are 18 and 21 and we STILL play The Land Before game.
The land before the boys were out of the house and TOTALLY under our control. Those were the days…
Now it goes something like this: Remember when we didn’t get calls in the middle of the night from the county jail because someone and his friends thought breaking into a vending machine was a fun way to spend the evening? Or, remember when the only weapon son #1 used were those cute little cowboy cap pistols? Remember the times when we didn’t feel like ice water is running down our spine every time the phone rings right after we know he’s jumping (out of a plane) at night and marching 9-miles to be in the field for a week? Remember how we didn’t worry about who might be coming up the driveway? Now when I close my eyes I pray not to have that dream of a man in uniform coming to deliver THE news…
Yeah, we play The Land Before game almost every day. All I can say is Welcome to parenthood. It NEVER gets easier – and, you won’t want it to!
At least that’s what MY mom and dad tell me!
Much love to you – You’re doing everything Right! Especially the part about knowing you married your best friend. Bravo you!
Ashley
This is one of my favorites!! Its really nice to know the “inside” things about marriage sometimes! I enjoy hearing everything that you have to say because its always things that I wonder about 🙂 Kudos to you!! Hope your having a great week!!
Cindy
I am replying late to this but I really like this post because it really sums up what parenting is all about. The funny thing is that in a few years things will change and you will have another phase of life together. But the most awesome thing is that you have realized that you have married your best friend and that is the most important things. Because your kids will grow up and move away but your relationship will always be there.