Mommy and Me
This weekend sucked.
I wish I could sugar-coat that sentence, but I just don’t have the energy. It sucked. We had friends in town to meet Beanie and, of course, this is the one weekend that Beanie flipped his little lid. He cried all weekend long.
All. Weekend. Long.
He didn’t like his toys. He didn’t like his swing. He didn’t want to be rocked. He didn’t want to be burped. He didn’t want to go for a walk or a drive. He was just miserable. And when the baby is miserable, the momma is miserable. And when the momma is miserable, the daddy is miserable. See how connected families are?
I think a lot of it was Beanie still adjusting to daycare. He had finally gotten into the routine there and then we throw him for a loop by keeping him home for two days. He slept later in the mornings, which meant that his nap schedule was off. He wasn’t eating the same amounts at the same times. And he was cranky, cranky, cranky.
I feel like this is my fault. Like if I hadn’t made him go to daycare then he wouldn’t have to make these adjustments at such a young age. I feel like he’s too little to go through all this changing and all I want is for him to be comfortable. I know we have to do the daycare thing. I know that he’ll get used to it and that it has its own benefits, but right now during this adjustment period, I just feel incredibly guilty.
As Beanie’s mom, I’m the one that’s supposed to make his life better, easier. I’m supposed to be the one who soothes him and comforts him. I’m not supposed to be the one who is confusing his schedule and making him unhappy. I hate when I can’t fix the problem, and I hate it even more that I AM the problem.
For the most part, I try to be a positive thinker. I’m an optimist. I see good in most situations. I actually even sat down tonight to write a post about some funny story that happened this past weekend. But if I am truly honest, today it is just hard to be happy. I feel like I’m not doing a good job, like maybe someone else would be a better mom for him than I am. And I’m tired and that makes me feel guilty.
So, tonight I’m going to take a hot shower and cry this out for about ten minutes. And then I’m going to rock the Bean to sleep until I feel better. And tomorrow we’ll start fresh. I’ll probably have a hard time dropping him at daycare, but I’ll remind myself that this is all part of the adjusting that we’re all going through. And then I’ll go to work, smile when I’m supposed to, and pretend that I’m not watching the clock. And when I finally pick Beanie up tomorrow afternoon, maybe then I’ll be able to shake some of this guilt.
But for now, I’m just gonna be sad for a little while.
20 Comments
KP
Crying it out really does help relieve stress. Then you’ll start fresh, pick him back up, look into his little face, and realize how much you love him and how much he needs you. You’re doing a great job. All the hard times will only make the next happy moments even more enjoyable. =)
Mandy
You’re sad, and that sucks. It sucks that your weekend sucked. But it’ll get better, in time. It’s like the hotel guy’s grandma said in My Best Friend’s Wedding: “This, too, shall pass.”
But at least you’re sincere. Nothing’s worse than someone who’s insincere and always trying to gloss things over. It’s refreshing to all of us that you tell things the way they actually happen.
Hilary
Being a new mom is so incredibly hard, no one can possibly prepare you for all the emotions you’ll feel. I find that guilt seems to dominate no matter what you do. It sucks and I can definitely sympathize. If I can offer one more unsolicited piece of advice: don’t feel bad for feeling bad. It’s okay not to love every minute and it’s okay to admit, as you bravely did, that you feel upset. If you’re upset, be upset and don’t apologize for it. Hey, look at our babies, they live every second on pure, unfiltered emotion. I hope you start to feel better, but in the meantime, have a glass of wine and cry. In fact, if I weren’t preggo, I’d do that in your honor right now (that could be the hormones talking)! HUGS!
Tara Marino
Oh hon! I so understand and I feel the pain you are expressing. As moms we try so hard to do everything and to do it all right, ALL THE TIME. The amount of stress and pressure is something you can not explain to anyone that is not a mom. There was a time when I thought I was going to have a nervous break down…I was taking care of everyone else, trying so hard to make everyone happy, and putting myself on the bottom of the list to avoid the guilt and avoid being seen as selfish. It wasn’t until I started taking care of myself and being a little selfish that the dynamics in my family (and in my heart) changed.
So cry a little, be kind to yourself and honor who you are as a woman-not just a mom. bean knows you love him and you know you love him.
I think being a mother challenges us to a deeper emotion than (almost) humanly possible.
And tomorrow when you drop Bean off at day care remember
“Your children will not treat themselves the way you treat them, they will treat themselves the way you treat yourself!” So be kind to yourself and practice self-love!
xoxo
Tara
Liz, JM, and Leo
Hang in there Katie! What you’re doing isn’t easy, but it’s worth it… you guys will get into a routine. And the Bean will not DIE because he’s in daycare and has to make some adjustments at an early age. Heck, I moved my infant to China and he seems to be doing ok. 🙂 Babies and kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. Babies love their routines, but the Bean will adjust to this new routine just fine. Give it a little time and maybe try not to schedule too much for the next few weekends so if the Bean decides that weekends suck for a while, at least you can just put on your pajama pants, pop open a beer, and toast your husband at the end of the day on Saturday night instead of entertain company. Whatever makes you feel less stressed as you adjust back to work.
It’ll get better… and in the meantime, I’m rooting for you!
Kara
I hate it when that happens! I tell my friends, “No, really, he’s not usually like this.” And they smile and nod, but you KNOW they’re thinking, “Their kid is the DEVIL!” Oh, well. What do you do? 🙂 Have you looked for teeth making an appearance? Teething was the one thing that would turn my kid into a monster! And once that tooth comes in, he always went back to his normal self.
Jules
I am sorry it was such a hard weekend for both of you. Hopefully nest week will be easier.
Heather
Hang in there. Actually, there is a good argument that it is easier at this age. Around 9-12 months a lot of kids get separation anxiety because they can now remember an object that isn’t in front of them. so, you are actually making it easier on the bean by starting now when he can get used to daycare without that!
Introvertster/Lurker
I strongly recommend keeping the daycare schedule (as much as is realistically possible) even during the weekends. We did that and it made The Child’s life and ours so much easier. And yes, it made me emotional (for a minute) to think that I was adjusting us all to the *daycare schedule* rather than my own. After all, I’m the mommy, darn it! I get to set the schedule! But, after seeing how much better Child did with seven days a week that were more similar than not, I got over myself. Just my two cents and it sounds like you are doing great, regardless. 🙂
Sarah Hash
Katie, you’re a GREAT Mom!! Good luck this week 🙂 Just think, babies don’t remember anything for the first 2 years! haha
Lori @ I Can Grow People
I remember when Lily came to visit and Porter cried NON-STOP. No change in routine. He just wanted to cry, cry, cry. It was one of my hardest days as a mom thus far.
I, too, have felt guilty about daycare. But please find comfort in the fact that you are doing a phenomenal job as a mom and a wife. Beanie will adjust and you will adjust too. And I swear that the first week back to work post-birth was harder than the first week home with baby post-birth.
You can do it! Take it day by day and know that I am sending you hugs from FL!
Casey
Hang in there, girl. Just remember that you were meant to be that little man’s momma, and that nobody can take care of him better than you. Changes have to happen sometimes, and sometimes those changes are hard. We just have to push through and think that tomorrow will be a better day!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
I used to do home daycare and I second Lurker’s idea – keep to the daycare schedule.
The little guy I watched used to come to me on Mondays worn out and cranky – which I’m sure he was all weekend. By Thursday he was back in the groove and Fridays were great and then we’d start all over again.
Donna
Hang in there it will get better. If your daycare has a certain schedule they keep the Bean on I would keep to it. I was lucky that my daycare kept to my schedule, which was whatever my daughter was doing that day (made my life so easy, but it is hard to do when you have a room full of infants).
Carrie Davis
Seriously – every day that I read your blog I feel like we live parallel lives. I have an 18 month old daughter. She has been going to daycare full time since she was 6 months old. It was a major adjustment for both mom and baby at first – the feelings of guilt are enough to make you not want to get out of bed some days. Especially when the kiddos are cranky and just not themselves. I felt like I was so selfish for going back to work. But, after a while she adjusted, I adjusted, and we made it. Just 2 weeks ago, she moved from the infant room to the toddler room. She is not making the transition easily and crying through every drop off. Then, she is so cranky in the evening. So, all of these feelings are resurfacing – I hate seeing her stressed out and knowing that I’m causing it. But, this too will pass. In a couple of weeks we’ll both be back in the swing of it. Thank you for not sugar coating it and “keepin’ it real”. Hot showers and good cries are the best medicine 🙂
kay
as soon as you no longer feel guilty about dropping him off at daycare you will feel guilty about something else. didn’t any one ever tell you that as wonderful as parenthood is, it is also one guilt trip after another so make sure you have a good travel agent for those guilt trips you will go on. oh by the way you will go on them alone because for the most part the husbands don’t have them, it’s a mom thing
Amanda
If it makes you feel any better, even my son is off on the weekends, and I’m fortunate enough to stay home with him. Just having Daddy home when he’s usually gone is enough to send us into a tailspin some days. You’re doing a great job with him…you’re a great mama!!
Laura
Ah, the crying in the shower thing. I am very familiar with this way of coping!
Thanks for your honesty. I don’t have any kids of my own, but I can imagine how hard it must be to manage the “mother guilt”. Rest assured that you’re doing the right thing for your family, and even though Beanie might be a bit unsettled at the moment, he will eventually be happy once he gets into a routine.
Stay strong!
Cheers, L.
Daphne
The best part about your post, Katie, is how completely honest you are with yourself. I applaud you for your willingness to share and to be true to the way you’re feeling. You have given yourself permission to ditch the pretending and smiling and saying “Oh, yes, I’m fine”. Your relationships will be better for it and I wish you the best of luck.
TeamHaynes
I promise you that Michael would NOT want another mother! You are what God intended, and he couldn’t ask for more.