Someone Poo’d On My Christmas
WARNING: Do not read any further if you are eating food, against talking about poo, or ever want to have children. Thank you.
Today’s Christmas themed post is over in The Man Cave. That’s right. I threatened to shut down the Man Cave if he didn’t get on over there and blog something, so he kindly obliged. Check out his post for shopping ideas for the men in your life.
I simply could not blog about Christmas tonight because tonight may have been the grossest night of my parenting life thus far.
And I feel like I need to share it with you.
It started with Chris taking Beanie upstairs for his bath. Half way up the stairs Chris calls out to me, “HELP! NEED HELP ON THE STAIRS!” I thought he had fallen or dropped Bean or something really horrible, so I came running in from the kitchen. What I found was much worse.
Bean had spit up. Not only did it cover the entire left side of Chris’ body, but I guess they had been playing and leaning over the railing (which explains the spitting up…) because there was spit up all over the stairs, the railing, and the walls. We cleaned it up and Chris announced that Bean was the grossest thing ever.
Bean laughed.
So, we get him upstairs to his bath. And we’re playing in the water. And we’re playing with the rubber ducky. And we’re chewing on the washcloths. And we’re sucking on our feet. And suddenly there are bubbles in the water. Lots of bubbles. It looked like a hot tub. Bean kind of cut his eyes up to me and giggled a little. Stinky Beanie.
And that’s when it happened.
Chunky bubbles. Suddenly, his entire bath tub was filling with diarrhea. And I don’t use the term “filling” loosely here.
It took a second for it to register with me and Chris. We didn’t really know what was going on. SURELY, SURELY this wasn’t what we thought it was. Oh, but it was.
And then we freaked the crap out. (Pardon the pun.)
“GET HIM OUT OF THERE!” Chris yelled.
I grabbed Bean by his armpits and held him over the bathtub. Only, the…the…leak hadn’t been plugged, if you know what I mean. So now, we had things splashing.
Oh, it was awful.
Oh, it was terrible.
Oh, I wanted to run and hide in the bottom of my closet next to my shoes and purses. Shoes and purses never poo on you.
But I couldn’t. Why? Because I was the adult in the situation. DAMN IT! I hate it when that happens!
So, instead of running, I yelled at Chris, who had been sitting this entire time holding Bean’s towel – as if we’re going to put our pooing child into a clean terrycloth towel and let him poo all over that, too. Brilliant, Dad. Instead, I told Chris to put down the towel and pull everything out of the tub.
Oh, I didn’t mention that? Yeah. There were toys and washcloths and soap and cups and other necessary bathtime goodies floating in the bathtub at the time of the…the…explosion.
So, we pull everything out and we turned on the shower and just let everything rinse off. Then I poured soap all over everything and let the water run a little more. We cleaned out the tub and decided that we should clean off Beanie, too. We filled the tub back up with fresh water and dumped Beanie back in there.
He sat there for a few seconds while I started soaping him up for the second time AND THERE CAME THE BUBBLES AGAIN!!!
“BEAN! STOP!” yelled Chris. “YOU’RE THE GROSSEST PERSON EVER, BEAN! STOP POOING!”
But Bean just laughed. Stinky Beanie.
So, we yanked him out of the tub and cleaned him head to toe with diaper wipes instead. We put him in fresh jammies and combed his little hairs and put him to bed.
And then Chris and I scrubbed ourselves down with Brillo pads and drank heavily.
THE END.
47 Comments
Meghan
That is hysterical……but perhaps your poo tolerance will increase as Beanie gets older. It used to gross me out, but after 3 1/2 years of spit up, snot, poo, etc., my tolerance for my children’s bodily fluids has steadily increased. I can even clean up after potty training accidents without throwing clothes away……I just wash my hands and call it good!
Candice
I’m sure he’ll love having this story online when he grows up. Haha.
I do want kids and this kind of thing I consider preparation. 🙂
Sarah C. H.
Haha, sounds like Bean enjoyed himself, even if you guys were having a hard time.
kay
you’ll get used to disgusting stuff. i remember seeing moms wipe their kids snotty noses on their own shirt sleeve. i thought it was the worst, until one of mine had boogies galore and no tissue, so i became one of those disgusting mothers! picture that.
Emily
Well, at least there’s a happy ending. 🙂
Camille
I’ve heard of this happening before. Which is why I don’t have children. But yours is cute, even if he is a pooper.
Sandy
Ohhhh it can get MUCH worse…and it will! ;-0
Sara
OMG! Love it! My 2 year old pooped during one of his naps and it exploded out of his diaper. When I went in to get him, I had to leave the smell was so bad! I really didn’t want to clean it up, so I went back in with the video camera instead since he was so cute just pointing to it, saying “Conor poopy!”
Lauren
OMG! that is the hardest i have laughed in a LONG time…. I can honestly say that has NEVER happened to us, but that would be the exact reaction that we would have. Too funny! The worst I have had was projectile poopage when lifting the legs to change a diaper…. shot across the room! It was the grossest/weirdest thing I have ever seen…
Jen
Haha, great post! I was laughing so hard at how you described the situation…that was until I realized that my babe is still at the age where she could totally do the same back to me. I just know that karma’s gonna bite me back for laughing. Just gotta make sure that we’re prepared for the poo 🙂
Casey
That happened to me once while I was babysitting… except it was with a potty-trained 2 year old in a public pool. Awesome.
Dana
Oh MY! My kids have both pooped in the tub many times, but we have never had anything but solid poops you can just scoop up. I cannot imagine the mess y’all had! We all have that moment when the first tub poop happens, and then bathtime is never the same. I always would think, now, when was the last time he/she pooped. I never simply put them in a tub again! It is a loss of innocence, really.
deepa
oh man! i have been trying to convince my husband to move our son out of the plastic tub in the sink to the real tub, but i think he just won that arguement. at least you had booze in the house!
Jenn
OH MY GOODNESS! I was literally laughing out loud at this at work!
Niki
My grossest moment was when my daughter was about one year old. It was around midnight and I heard her crying, which could only mean one thing with her – she wasn’t feeling well. I picked her up out of her crib and before I could bring her to me, she vomited directly into my face. It also got in my hair and went down my shirt. I called to my husband to get up and had him clean her and her floor up while I took a shower.
As with your diarrhea-in-the-tub incident, there are things you experience as a parent that you never thought you would experience. And as Beanie gets older, you will say things to him you never thought you would have to say to another human being. When my son was 2-3 years old, I had to tell him many times, “Get your face out of the cat’s butt.” *shaking my head*
Tressa
OMG….I’m LMAO as I read this!! I’m sorry we laugh at your pain, but man oh man, it’s too funny!!!
When my day gets tough, I’m going to picture Chris telling Beanie he’s the “grossest person ever”!!! Can’t hardly even type….LMAO……
Kelly H
I just had to laugh at this post. I remember feeling the exact same way when this happened to us (x2 – twins). So gross and disgusting.
The worst for me was walking in to get my son up in the morning only to discover he had thrown up in his sleep during the night (never heard him cry) and slept in his own vomit. Ewwwww.
Jennifer
I have tears in my eyes from laughing!!!! We’ve haven’t had that happen yet, but I’m sure it will one day! Now I’ve had to give my 8 month old a shower due to an exploding diaper (literally up his back all the way to his neck, lovely) but it not as bad as this. My husband probably would have done the same thing…sit there with the clean towel.
Michelle
LOL
I think we all have moments like that with our children. I’ve been through it with both of mine and boy am I thankful they are potty trained now 🙂 I miss them being babies, but I do not miss the lack of bowel control 🙂
Casey
The first time my son did this we were at Nanny’s. I was yelling MOM MOMMMMMMMM I didn’t know what to do. She was liek what do you want me to do he’s your son. AWFUL!!!
Sarah
I think that I’m pregnant with my first (I am about 4 days away form knowing for sure!!). But after reading this, and laughing hysterically, I am nervous. REALLY NERVOUS! So, thank you for that.
Maureen
Oh that’s so funny! At least Bean was enjoying himself. Is it sad that my 26 year old boyfriend reacts the exact same way when he farts?
Emily Marie
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I can only laugh so hard because the same thing has happened MULTIPLE times to me – same exact senario too, with the poo happening twice and all the toys and everything. I feel your pain, really I do, but also…. so freakin funny! Thanks for sharing!
Carole-Anne
That is too funny. Thank God it hasn’t happened to us… yet. We actually take baths with our son (that way he can float & kick his little “happy feet” to his heart’s content), so we PRAY this never happens to us.
elizabeth
lol…omg–tears are running down my face!
my husband was an ONLY child, had never been around babies..oh, the ‘joy’ of things like this.
one night he and our son–who was about 1 or so..were having a bubble bath together– A REAL bubble bath. then there were ‘man-made’ bubbles….all ‘seemed’ fine..til my husband kind of dunked under the water and bubbles to wash his hair–only to encounter a ‘REAL’ poopie floating in the water under the bubbles.
i cant possibly describe the look or ‘TERROR/ANGUISH/DISGUST’ on my husband’s face…and the giggling on my sons. i was sitting by with the towels etc..when ‘DAD’ practically had an ejection seat escape from the tub.
i will say both of them SURVIVED….!!…we went through a lot of DETTOL…and i STILL to this day laugh at the memory of it.
thanks for sharing..and for reminding me!
™¥
Amanda
I can’t stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!
We haven’t had that happen yet. YET.
Seriously, I can’t stop laughing!!!
Jen D
Hilarious!!!!! It becomes even grosser when you are attempting to clean the baby/poop explosion and realize that your precious one is chewing on something only to discover that its an undigested green bean that he’s found in his diaper explosion. As your dry heave, you must not remove the green bean which my “good eater” almost refuses to give up. Oh, and he’s just discovered to kiss so then he runs around the rest of the day trying to kiss his parents.
Zoe
OH GOD!! I don’t think I’m ready for babies D:
Katie
Dude. Me either.
Allie
Don’t know if it’s just me…but my reader (full feed) hasn’t picked up your posts since Nov 15th). Only happened upon this due to reading the comments of the man cave post.
fyi.
Katie
Oh, man. I thought we fixed that problem. Let me talk to my slave….I mean my husband.
random girl's name
I hope to god Bean’s peers don’t discover this blog when he’s in junior high or high school, or he’s going to suffer at the hands of bullies for years.
Mallory
haha, I have to tell you that after reading this post late last night it prompted me to have a dream, er…nightmare, of sorts, about being in the bathroom with Bean and seeing all the poo everywhere. I was like tip-toeing through the bathroom to try to avoid touching it haha!
Christina
Yucky but funny.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s that he just kept on smiling and laughing. He felt better.
Adrienne S.
Hilarious! You had me laughing so hard I cried! Reason #459845 to not have kids until we’re 100% ready:)
Laura
Q and I laughed, and laughed, and I laughed so hard that I couldn’t finish reading it to Q. I love it and hate it. Sorry Kate!
Kate
I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. There was snorting and tears. Seriously glad only the baby is here to see me. Thanks Katie – I needed that. I laugh with you, not at you. 🙂
Emily C
Uggghhhh. I’m feeling a little green and it’s not with envy. 🙂
Introvertster
I have one word: bleach. For the tub, the floor, yourself, whatever it takes. 🙂
Breanne
Oh my god. You couldn’t have chosen a better picture to go with this story. Mischievous little bugger!
Tehehe. I will giggle for the rest of the evening…
Jennifer
hoo-boy… yeah, the first time that happened was a real shocker to say the least. 🙂
Now-a-days tho that little tidbit is filed away under “ways to help relieve constipation”… if the pureed prunes are just not doing what you want them to and your little one is crying cause he needs to go and is afraid it’ll hurt… fill up the tub! Nothing is as important as your childs comfort when they are afraid, no matter how gross the solution may be…
Stephanie
My favorite part was the image of Chris standing there holding the nice towel…well done. And I laughed so loud that I had to forward this to my co-workers so they wouldn’t think I was crazy.
Zoe
Oh man, I laughed so hard at your story. And then I thought about it for a bit, and read the stories in the comments… I feel sick. Urgh. I’m keen on having a family, but I’m not sure if poo explosions are worth it, to be honest.
Elaine
OMG! My daughter (now 20!) pooped in the tub, but I never had an encounter with diarhea. Very gross but very funny for those of us that did not have to deal with the yuk.
olivia
Holy crap that is too funny, eventually I will stop laughing.
Mom of 3
The first time I had to deal with poop in the tub I was a 14 year old babysitter. I called my mom screaming, “What do I do!!!!” She talked my through it and I survived. So when my daughter first did it at least I had “experience.” It has happened at least once with each kid and it doesn’t get any less horrifying. Reading your post I was laughing so hard and thanking my lucky stars that at least I’m past that stage. (Puberty is lurking around the corner, that should be just as much fun!)
thegypsymama
Oh wonderful, wonderful, stinky, funny Beanie – you done got your parents good!