Recalculating.
A couple years ago, I bought Chris a Garmin Nuvi GPS for Christmas. He named her Garmin and they fell instantly in love. She spoke sweetly and yet assertively to him. She gave him direction in his aimless life. They forged new paths down new roads together. They got lost and then found themselves together. It was true love.
Garmin, however, hated me. She hated me with all of her electronic being. I was, of course, the other woman. She might try to lead Chris down many other paths, but “Home” was always on his favorites list. And Garmin blamed me. Consequently, she never worked for me. She was always claiming she couldn’t find my location when I was, clearly, in an easy place to find. And she was always leading me down dark roads and telling me my destination was on my left.
It never was.
But I never complained to Garmin or to Chris. I knew their love was special. A place where I didn’t belong. And so I kept those feelings to myself.
But today, I got to see the inner workings of Chris’ relationship with Garmin and, I have to say, it wasn’t so pretty. For one thing, Chris talks so terribly to Garmin. So, so terribly. Its like he knows just what buttons to push to get her all worked up.
I remember when their relationship was fresh and new, Chris did anything that Garmin asked of him.
“Turn left on College,” Garmin would say.
“Okay, Garmin!” Chris would chime and off they rode into the sunset.
But today I noticed a difference in Chris’ tone. He was frustrated with Garmin.
“Turn left on 63rd Street,” Garmin said.
“No, Garmin! I don’t want to go that way!” Chris would yell. And he would instead take a right, leaving Garmin to recalculate their relationship.
“Recalculating, recalculating,” she would stammer, like a dog shoved aside. “Recalculating.”
And then, not being one to give up on love, Garmin would try again.
“Turn left on 63rd Street.”
“I said NO, Garmin! I don’t want to go that way!” Chris shouted. “Why are you always making me do things YOUR way? You’re so selfish!”
And again, Garmin was left to recalculate the direction their relationship was going.
“Turn left on 63rd Street,” Garmin said, weary, but willing to give this 100% of her effort.
“DAMMIT, GARMIN!” shouted Chris. “QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!”
And with that, Chris put Garmin in time out in the glove box of the car.
I can’t be positive, but I think I heard Garmin’s muffled, digital, little voice whisper, “Recalculating.”
With Garmin out of site, Chris’ true intentions were revealed when he pulled a….a….a…iPhone out of his pocket!!! Oh, no!
Oh, yes!
Chris was being unfaithful to Garmin and she was merely a few feet away from him, recalculating her love and worth inside that glove box. There he sat. Using the GPS on his iPhone. Like a bastard.
They’re all bastards, Garmin.
I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched my husband shove aside his electronic mistress so thoughtlessly, “Could that have been me? Could he have so easily shoved me in a glove box? An extra large glove box in an extra large car?” These are the thoughts that no wife ever wants to think about for too long.
Fortunately for me, I don’t have to think about them for too long. Chris has a terrible sense of direction and I know that he’d be lost without me.
21 Comments
Jessica @ How Sweet It Is
Hahahah this is SO my husband. Love/hate relationship with it.
Jules
Your husband and mine would get a long well. Our Garmin is very originally named “Nuvi”. At first he had nicknames for here like Nuvilina but now he just calls her pushy. She’s been chucked into the glove compartment and was replaced by a iPhone and now a Droid. Poor Nuvi, he used her, abused her and tossed her aside for not one but TWO other GPS systems.
AlaskaTeacher
This could have been written about my husband and me!!!!! He loves the voice on his GPS, and every once in a while, I get the teensiest bit jealous. 🙂
Danimezza
I LOVE this post Katie… awesome
Emily
I turned my GPS on mute a few months ago, and our relationship has improved greatly since. 😉
Sarah C.
Quite possibly the funniest post EVER. My fiance just got a Garmin for Christmas. They’re still honeymooning…he’ll pull her out just to go down the street.
Marla
Oh gosh. This is totally my finance too. He loves watching the GPS and commenting as the elevation changes. It’s the funniest thing.
http://asthefarmturns.wordpress.com/
Mallory
This is hilarious, Katie.
I, too, am having a love affair with my Garmin, but his name is Clive (he’s British). 😉
Jen
Ours is “Chloe.”
my husband is constantly trying to upgrade to a “new model”…
I’m afraid this may happen on my next birthday! Sigh.
Sarah Gamble
That is funny. We just got a Garmin and my husband always looks so offended when I don’t share my love for her.
We got a puppy, a puppy we both ADORED before we had our ‘real’ child, now my husband would get rid of that dog and not bat an eye, I always tease him “I guess me and the baby should keep our bags packed just in case you turn on us like you did the dog you used to LOVE!”
Kristin
HAHA!
Melissa N.
We have a TomTom, and it loves my husband – and hates me. But, the feelings mutual. *lol* I can’t stand the freakin’ thing, and her snotty voice.
We’ve named ours Thomas, obviously – hence the reason I really need to change her voice. And when I get mad at it I just stretch out the “Thooooooomas!” Which is most of the time.
Jordan
I switched to the british guy’s voice on mine, and named him Giles. (anybody remember Buffy??) He’s much nicer and less annoying than the lady’s voice.
andrea
we have garmin’s evil twin sister. she isn’t the greatest with directions and tells us to make u-turns when our destination is still ahead of us. after 2 years with us she still hasn’t learned where we live and gets lost a half mile from home. then when we decide to take an alternate route from what she tells us, she huffs and with her most pissy tone of voice states that she is ‘recaaaaaalculating’ i can just picture her rolling her eyes at us. we have to update her, so she has been banished to the glove box until she can adjust her attitude.
Camille
This could SO be Poor Kyle and his mistress, Tips. Tips is British (is Chris’s?). I have seriously, I’m not even joking, felt jealous of her on more than one occasion. I mean, I want to be British! I want Kyle to trust me unfailingly! I want to be the mistress!!!
Yeah. We are you.
Life of a Doctor's Wife
Oh mylanta this post is hilarious! My husband and I have a love/hate relationship with our Garmin (a British gent named Trevor). We turned around in a parking lot this weekend and the GPS nearly went into convulsions with all the “recalculating”s he uttered.
It’s so funny how they become almost like real people!
mindy@thesuburbanlife
Funny! Ours is Maureen and I’m pretty sure she’s “calculating” my demise. Traveling around town with the Hubby, Maureen and I is never comfortable for anyone. He’s forever taking her side resulting in a giant “Booyah!”, unspoken but loud from a victorious Maureen. But, soon after our vehicular menage-a-trois, Maureen gets put away as the hubby and I walk hand in hand to our destination. Granted, he needs us both as my sense of direction leaves a lot to be desired, but I’m pretty sure he’ll choose me in the end, everytime. Yep. I’m pretty sure. Hopefully. =)
Mindy
http://www.thesuburbanlife.com
Ella
Very funny post!
Jennifer
Hilarious!! Reminds me of the movie RV with Robin Williams and “Lola”…”shut up Lola!”
Dana
Ours is Nadine. And my husband has never been in love. He likes the idea of it, but he has tried for years (in vain) to switch it to a male voice. Something about a WOMAN trying to give him directions makes him feel like less of a man. . .
Newlywed & Unemployed
I enjoyed this post so much, I read it out loud to my husband and he laughed! We named our Nuvi Moira (British female voice) and, similarly, she works like a charm for him, but always seems reluctant for me. In fact, for over a year, we’ve joked about how she loves him and is trying to drive me off a cliff.
We’ve never cheated on her, though we did have to replace her. The original became so despondent, she leapt off the windshield and broke her charger plug in. We carefully nursed her battery 6 months, using it only when necessary to save charge, but eventually, there was no reviving Moira 1.0.
Moira 2.0 is much more respectful of my status. 😉