Part III: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

A couple weeks ago, I opened the blog up to questions from readers and good golly Miss Molly did you all come through!  It has taken me three posts to get all of those questions answered (click the links for Parts One and Two), but I think this might be the last of the questions for now.  So, let’s get going…

If you could pick a song for €˜Bean’ €“ as in his own theme song €“ what would it be? What would you pick for your own €˜theme song’?  From Heather

What a fun question!  I haven’t ever thought about it before!  And I’ll tell you, I had to think long and hard about it before I came up with answer, too.  For Bean, it would have to be the theme song from the Andy Griffith show.  You know the one they whistle?  Yep.  That one.  Sometimes when I see him sitting there, just checking things out, taking things in, smiling from ear to ear, I can just hear that happy little song in the back of my mind.  Its such an upbeat and happy song.  Just like Bean.

For my theme song, I think I’d have to pick “What a Wonderful World,” by Louis Armstong.  There are days (sometimes weeks) when I just don’t see the wonder in anything, but for the most part I really, really try to find the beautiful in the everyday.  I think that philosophy keeps me happy.

You mention your friends a little on this blog, but I wondered how your socializing has changed now that you have the Bean?  You seem so busy how do friends fit in to it all? Have you met many new parents like yourself since Bean was born?  From Rachel

Chris and I have always been really different than our core group of close friends.  We got married so much younger, we both have salaried jobs and IRA’s, we are homeowners, and now we’re parents.  That isn’t to say we have accomplished and more or any less than any of them, its just that we have different sets of goals and priorities.  Most of our friends are artists and actors and musicians and film makers who are incredibly successful in their areas and are loving where they are in their own lives.  What keeps us all connected and close is that regardless of what our goals and priorities are, we are all passionate about them individually and as a group.  Chris and I are as excited for our friends when one of them gets a movie produced or a recording contract as they are for us when we buy houses and have our baby christened.  That passion and commitment to each other and to all of our achievements keeps us close friends.  And my best friend, Emily, lives out in Los Angeles where she does something corporate and fancy that I don’t understand.  I don’t get to see her often anymore, but we continue to be there for each other simply by staying interested in each others new lives.  Its hard when you aren’t in the same place as your friends, but I think any good friend makes the effort it takes to stay connected.

When we had Bean, we really worried about how this would change our friendships.  More than any other change we’d gone through or differences we had, this one would be the most significant because it was changing our lifestyle.  But, like always, our friends have been been nothing but 100% supportive of our new life as parents.  We still have the core group of friends up from New York to spend weekends with us.  We still drink and play and laugh (though I stopped drinking for the most part when Bean was born – more out of exhaustion than any moral stance) like we did before.  I think the key to maintaining friendships with those friends who have different lifestyles than you – whether that difference is children or otherwise – is to make them apart of your new life.  Take, for example, my pregnancy.  Chris really wanted to keep our closest friends around and apart of that time, even though they had no idea what the hell was going on.  So, he threw a baby shower for me.  Only, to keep it as an event that our single friends could enjoy, there were no shower games and no baby gifts.  Instead, we ate good food, played with the Wii, and drank beer out of mini bottles in honor of the baby.  Well, I didn’t.  They did.  I think we try to make sure that we are inclusive in our family.  Sure, we lead a very different life than the majority of our friends, but our life is very approachable.  Anyone who comes into our home is welcome and invited to join us as family. And that means that you might have to sit through a slide show of Bean’s latest pictures and you might have to hold him while I run to the bathroom, but that also means that when we sit around our dinner table and give thanks for family, you are part of that.  And I think that is what keeps our friendships strong.

Timing has been an issue for us in balancing our friendships.  The truth is that now, we’re just freaking tired!  Its hard to stay up late because we know we have to get up so early.  And its hard to go out because babysitters aren’t cheap.  So, it isn’t as easy for us to just up and go out on a whim like we used to and that has kept us out of more than a few things that our friends have done.  But that’s just part of us having a baby.  There’s nothing we can do about it and so we try to not let us  bother us.  Our friends don’t really mind.  They know its harder for us now, but I think they appreciate the effort that we do make even more now.

As for friendships with people who have kids, we have started making more of those in the past year or so.  Some of them were made when Chris started grad school at  Yale.  Most of the guys in his program had wives who were in similar situations as us, and so that helped form good friendships, some of which have become GREAT friendships over the years.  And as we have all grown up and had babies of our own, we’re become even closer.  I am learning to value these friendships so much more because it IS different to have a baby now and it IS really nice to have someone who understands to bounce ideas and frustrations off of.  Like, see the little girl in this picture there with her mom and dad?  I was there the day her mom went into labor with her and I was there in the hospital the week she was born.  Its so funny to see your friendship marked by the growth of a child.  Craziness.  And see that beautiful, blonde preggo lady in the back row there?  She was one of the first people who knew I was pregnant and now she’s getting ready to have a little baby girl of her own (who Bean is, appropriately, betrothed to marry…)

And I will certainly miss those friends when we move…

Did your friends and parents always assume that you and Chris would stay together and eventually get married while you two were dating during high school?  From Angela

Oh, Lord.  If you had told anyone we knew in high school that Chris and I would have gotten married they all would have laughed – us included!  Chris and I were an odd match in high school.  He was part of the drama club.  I was president of the senior class.  He skipped school every other day.  I organized pep rallies for Homecoming.  We were just a strange couple.  But we were crazy about each other.  And, as it turned out, Chris was crazy about LOTS of girls in high school!  Lots of ’em!  And so I took our relationship with a giant dose of reality.  The chances of us staying together though homeroom were slim.  Staying together through our senior year was out of the question.  And college?  LONG DISTANCE?  Blah.  So, the idea of us being so happily married now and coming through those years (which we refer to now as Chris’ “Glory Days”) shocks ME more than anyone else.

The thing about Chris and I when we were younger was that I just knew he was capable of being a bigger person than he was acting like.  Even at a young age, I knew that if he could just outgrow this stage in his life, then he would really be something.  I just had to wait it out.  And I thought he was worth waiting for.  Today, he is the person that I saw underneath all that crap in high school and early in college.  He is honest and loyal and a damn good friend.  He puts other people before himself.  He is responsible and has a drive and determination that makes people around him want to do better.  He likes being around new things and new people.  And he still gives me butterflies when he smiles at me.

So, while at the time it seemed like a crazy thought that we would make it, looking back now I don’t see how it could have worked out any differently.  We are the people we are today because we’ve had each other in our lives.

I would love to know what has been the best part of being a mom and the hardest part.  From Caitlin

I think this would vary from parent to parent and child to child, but for me the hardest part of being a mom is guilt.  I struggle with guilt on a daily basis.  For me, it usually isn’t the I’m-not-good-enough guilt, though that doubt sometimes creeps in.  Mostly, it is comparing myself to others.  Its when I see a mom staying home with her baby and I feel guilty because I haven’t been able to give that to Bean.  Or that feeling of guilt I have when Bean is crying in his crib at 5:00 AM and I lay there just a little too long and Chris gets up to get him.  That kind of guilt is most prevalent.  That feeling of, “I could have/should have done that for Bean…”  But the thing I am learning is that there will ALWAYS be something else I could or should do for him.  That’s why they call parental love endless.  Because there are an endless number of ways to show you love your baby.  But it doesn’t mean that I love him one ounce less if I can’t do it all by myself all the time.  It sounds so simple and easy when I write it out, but I struggle with that every day.

The best part of being a mom is definitely being the mom. Being the one who he looks for in crowds and being the one he holds his arms up to when he’s fallen down or tumbled over.  Being the one he snuggles with at bedtime and the one who know when he’s about to flip his lid.  Being the one who just knows is the best part of being a mom.  The best part of being Bean’s mom.

If you had to go back and change anything about how you’ve raised Bean so far, would you change anything?  From Emily

Its hard to have any regrets so far because Bean is so young, but if I had to choose, I might say Bean’s dependency on his swing.  Bean can’t fall asleep during the day without his swing.  But he is getting HUGE in it.  So huge that the swing barely moves when he’s in it.  But he won’t nap anywhere else.  If I had to change anything, I would change that.  Although, it is really nice to have one place where we know we can get a good 2 hour nap out of him if we need it!

Where in Florida are you from? I’m in Pensacola and the background of your pictures looks familiar.  From Lena

Good eye!  Chris and I are originally from Gulf Breeze, Florida.  For those who aren’t familiar with the Gulf Coast, Gulf Breeze is a barrier peninsula off of Pensacola, FL.  It was a great place to grow up – beaches, small town, lots to do, great schools.  We loved it and still love visiting.  Chris’ family still lives there, but my family moved away the year I went away to college.

Do you ever regret any of the decisions that have led you to such a busy and full life? Sometimes even now, as a SAHM, I feel like my days (and my son’s days too) seem just TOO full.  From Jenny

This is a really great, honest question.  And it deserves an honest answer, and that is that, yes, I sometimes feel like my days are too full and I sometimes regret the schedule that I have created for myself.  Working full-time is a given and something that I can’t change.  But blogging and social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.) is something I bring on myself.  I read an article in the New York Times by someone who chastised mothers who spent too much time online and not enough time face-to-face with their kids.  The article (found HERE) got a lot of flack in the online world of mommy bloggers, but I had to admit that I sort of saw her point.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know first-hand how important online communities are when its 4 in the morning and you can’t figure out how to make your baby stop crying.  They are VERY important.  But I think her point was that there should be a line, a balance, between your real life and your online life.

After reading that article, I have really tried to keep that in my head as I work to balance everything.  As much as possible, Chris and I try to give Bean our 100% attention during the too few hours we have with him each working day.  When we get home from work, we have a couple hours with him before he goes to bed and we devote that time to him completely.  We try not to be on the phone, on the computer, on Twitter, on our iPhones – nothing.  We really try to keep that time for him.  Now, things come up and that isn’t always the case, but we make a valiant effort.  And then once Bean goes to bed, that’s when I do my blogging and my emailing and my social networking.

As our blog has become more of a business, we have had to re-evaluate our time management on an almost daily basis.  And I think that is okay.  The truth is that while this is becoming a pretty good income for us, blogging is still my hobby.  It is what I do for myself for fun.  It is my indulgence.  If it happens to make us money, well that’s just a perk.  But at the core, it is still just something that makes me happy.  And for that reason, I am not going to give it up.  I think its important for Bean to grow up in a house as PART OF a family and not the center of the family.  Does that mean that he takes a back seat to blogging?  Not in a hundred years.  But does it mean that I make it a priority for me to spend time doing something for myself every day?  Absolutely.  I think it gives me a chance to unwind and do something just for me and that is important to me as a person and as a mom.  So, we work constantly on finding the place where our blogging business fits into our home life.

I have a question. Are you moving out to Santa Monica to go to Target and have brunches with me?  From My BFF Emily

Sadly, no.  I’m moving to Orlando to hang out with your Mom.  We’ll probably talk about you behind your back and judge you for the decisions you are making in your life.  You’re cool with that, right?

Do you have any advice for a couple getting ready to get married?  From Claire via Facebook

I think the best advice I can give to a couple who is getting ready to get married is to remember that weddings fade, but marriages are what last.  So when you get bogged down in the details of wedding planning and getting ready to blend two lives and hammering out all the details that come with this exciting and stressful stage, just try to think past all of this and focus on what makes you love your partner.  Everything else will fall into place.  And above all of that – just have fun!  This is the beginning of such a JOYFUL time in your life!

How did you financially prepare for having a child? esp. with owning a house in CT? Were you serious about your second mortgage comment?  From Ariane via Facebook

This made me laugh out loud.  No, I wasn’t serious about the second mortgage comment.  But it does take some fancy footwork for us to be able to afford a baby.  The biggest financial stress for us has been daycare, which costs us $250 a week.  Yikes!  We were lucky that when we bought our house, we had the foresight to make sure we left room in our budget for any “unexpected costs,” which to Chris was a new roof and to me was a baby.  But when we found out we were pregnant and we discovered the cost of being parents, we quickly realized that even the wiggle room we had left in our budget wasn’t going to be enough and so we started cutting back.  I almost completely quit shopping.  To this day, I can’t tell you the last time I went shopping and bought something for myself that wasn’t an absolutely necessary purchase.  Chris started car pooling in to work every day.  And I started meal planning and clipping coupons, which saves us a lot every week at the grocery store.  That was also about the time we decided to turn the blog into a small business and that has also helped us afford expenses for Bean.  I mean, its not easy for anyone to suddenly have a change in their financial situation, whether its a baby that brings on the change or not.  But, like most people, we just did what we had to do to make it work.

When do you guys think (if you will) you will have another beautiful baby?  From Chelsea via Facebook

Just as soon as I can get Chris naked again.

Just kidding.  Kind of.  I’d like to have at least one more and, ideally, two more (although Chris isn’t quite on board with three…yet).  And the time line is still being hammered out with management.

What was your time line with Chris?  From Bridget via Facebook

Age 15 – Started dating (and then broke up, and then started dating, and then broke up, and then started dating…)

Age 18 – Went away to separate colleges

Age 20 – Got engaged on a trip to New York with Chris over Christmas

Age 22 – Got married

Age 22 – Moved to Connecticut for Chris to attend grad school

Age 25 – We both graduated with our masters

Age 25 – We bought our first house

Age 26 – Preggo!

Age 27 – We birthed a bean

Whew!  I think that wraps up the questions – finally!  The only ones that I haven’t answered (I think!) are the ones about blogging specifically.  By far, that was the most common type of question that I got – how to blog, how to grow your blog, why I blog, etc.  I have tried writing posts about that in the past and I have tried writing posts about that in these past few weeks in response to the Q&A post, but they are really hard questions to answer because, like individuals, every blog is different.

SO… For the first time ever, Chris and I will be holding a live online video chat session THIS WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, AT 8:00 PM EST.  Wednesday afternoon I’ll post the video conferencing link and you all can join us for a live discussion about blogging.  You don’t need a webcam, as you will just be able to see us and we won’t be able to see anyone else.  But you can type your questions in and we’ll answer them in person.  We are super excited about inviting you guys into our home and chatting with you about something that we enjoy so much.  Hopefully, we’ll get everyone’s questions answered.  Be sure to check in on Wednesday to the MC Facebook Group, Twitter, or the blog for log-in information.

Thanks so much for all of your questions.  We’ll be sure to do it again sometime!