What I’ve Learned: How To Have a Play Date

This post is part of my series called “What I’ve Learned.”  In these posts I talk about areas of motherhood that I have learned recently.  Not that I’ve mastered them, but that I’ve learned how to navigate them better.  Victory for me!

Since I’ve been staying home with Bean for the past few months, I have decided (especially after all the kind advice I got from you guys) that the best way to make the most of our days is to get out and about.  I tried getting out with just me and Bean, usually running errands.  But that gets expensive after a while because everywhere we went was to spend money – grocery shopping or to Target or even Barnes and Noble.  And even though those little excursions are fun, it was still just me and Bean Man.  So, I started joining several mothers groups through my church.  And once I met moms and babies through those groups, I started getting invitations for one-on-one play dates.  Before I knew it, Bean and I were on the go a LOT.

At first, I wasn’t really sure what to do at these play dates.  How closely should I stick with Bean?  What should I bring?  Who did I talk to?  How long did we stay?  What’d I do if Bean acted up?  At first, these things were enough to keep me from play dates altogether!  But the more I forced myself to go, the more I realized that no one really knows what the answers to these questions are.  As moms, we’re all figuring it out together.  When I realized that, I became a little more relaxed about play dates.  Over the past few weeks though, I’ve found a few good tips for how to make a play date successful.

Be near, but don’t hover. The purpose of a play date (for me, anyway) is to give Bean the experience of interacting with other children.  He needs to learn from his peers, just like I do.  So, I try to give him room to roam and romp when we’re out with a group of kids.  I always make sure he can see me so that he doesn’t get nervous or scared, but I am not hovering over him the whole time.  Even if he’s playing with (or standing near, usually) bigger kids, I let him figure out how to interact with them.  Usually, he stands there watching them for a while and when he feels like he understands what’s going on, he tries to interact.  Kids play rough sometimes though and if he gets knocked down or hit with something on accident, I still try to stay back.  I might call out to him and smile, so he knows I’m here and to gauge how he’s doing.  But if he looks over at me and seems alright, I just let him hang in there by himself.  I think that’s how he learns independence.

Bring healthy snacks! The first play date I went on, everyone took a little snack break and I realized with horror that I hadn’t packed a snack for Bean!  I’m sure it was more embarrassing for me than it should have been, but at the time I felt like a terrible mother and thought everyone would think I didn’t feed my child!  Oh, it was awful!  The second play date I had, I remembered a snack, but it wasn’t healthy.  I threw a container of Puffs into my bag and headed out.  But when I got to the play date, everyone else had fruit or veggies to snack on and I got a few looks from moms when I pulled out my Puff container.  What I eventually learned was not that they were judging me, but that their kids took one look at their grapes and one look at my Puffs and instantly started whining for Puffs.  I felt like I was that mom who had bought beer for kids in high school!!  Now, I realize this is a pretty trivial thing and in hindsight it wasn’t that big of a deal.  But it made an impression on me.  Now, I toss in a container of grapes or blueberries when we go to a play date, just to keep the peace.  And don’t forget a drink, too.  I bring Bean’s sippy cup with water (especially if we’re outside) and then I bring an extra water bottle just in case he needs more.

Talk to other moms, but don’t force it. On my first few play dates, I wasn’t sure about the balance between talking to other moms and making sure Bean was having a good time and so I focused entirely on meeting the other moms.  I had a great time and met a lot of moms, but when we left I realized that Bean hadn’t been out of his stroller the whole time we were out.  What kind of play date was that for him?  Pretty boring.  He might as well have stayed home.  On my next play date, I really tried to make sure it was all about Bean.  And it was.  But in becoming so involved with him, I did two things: I hovered over him and I didn’t meet any moms.  Now, I’m learning that play dates should be satisfying for both of us. Now, I spend the first 15 minutes or so making sure that Bean is interacting with other kids and that he has all that he needs and then I mosey on over to the moms and keep an eye on Bean (being sure to say in his eye sight).  This way, I get to spend time with people and Bean gets to spend time with people and by the time we’re ready to go, we’ve both had a fun time with our own peers.  I know this sounds elementary and common sense, but finding that balance of fulfillment for both of us took me a few times to master.

When asked, go! This is the one that I have had to learn the most.  I would find a hundred different reasons not to go on a play date.  Bean wasn’t feeling well (even though I knew he would probably perk up if we were out doing something), I didn’t know anyone (even though most of the play dates were a chance for moms to meet for the first time, so I was never the only newbie), the kids weren’t Bean’s age (even though it’s good for him to play with children of all ages).  I had all the excuses ready to go, but the truth is that getting out there and just DOING IT was the only way Bean and I were going to get out of the house and meet people.  So, even when it was uncomfortable and I didn’t know anyone or even when I would rather have been at Target, I still made myself go.  The first few were the hardest, but now I’ve gotten more comfortable at them, I’ve learned that I’m not the only mom who has these anxieties about meeting people that I’ve never met before and letting Bean play with their kids.  It’s sort of an odd situation if you think about it, but it’s just something that I’ve had to get used to.  And I got used to it by DOING IT.

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks it is awkward to go on a play date.  But if you’re like me and have the tendency to be shy, learning how to master a play date is a big deal.  Now that I’ve gotten more comfortable with them though, it has opened a whole new world up for me and Bean.  I’m really glad I got out of my comfort zone.  It’s been completely worth it.