Effortless Marriages
This is my boyfriend.
The big guy, not the little one.
His name is Chris. Have I mentioned him before?
Being that this blog is called MARRIAGE Confessions, I get asked pretty often about my marriage – how we make it work, why we make it work, what to do when it doesn’t work, etc. One of the most common questions that I get is, “How do you make it look so effortless?”
In response, I usually bust out laughing, then run and get Chris so he can have a good laugh, then eat a pint of ice cream. The ice cream isn’t really necessary to the process. Gracie is just a sucker for mint chocolate chip.
Here’s my advice on marriage: If someone tells you their marriage happens effortlessly, they’re either lying through their teeth or they aren’t paying attention.
Nothing about my marriage is effortless. It’s not that it’s hard (all the time, anyway…), but it doesn’t just happen. Chris and I work really hard on our marriage. We talk about it together. We work through things. We think about ways we can be better spouses. Our marriage is part of our daily dialogue – not that we have long, heartfelt conversations about it all the time, but we’re constantly aware of the state of our marriage. I think that has been the key to our success so far. We don’t go too far down a path without both of us being aware of it.
Which is why I am keenly aware that my marriage in the past month has been crap.
Okay, maybe that’s harsh. It hasn’t been crap, but it’s been pretty bland. Part of it might be this time of year. It’s hard to make anything else a priority when the Christmas season is upon us, isn’t it? So much to do, so little time for spouses to connect. It could also be that as I am working my butt off to pull myself out of this slump I’m in, Chris has continued to give above and beyond around the house and so we’re both, quite simply, too tired to talk to each other. And, of course, there’s Bean. GEEZ…that kid’s such an attention hog!!
I kid, I kid.
But it’s true that having a toddler now is changing our marriage. Some days, it feels impossible to put my marriage or my husband first when there’s a hungry, teething, tired toddler hanging on to my legs. And on other days, it feels impossible to put it first when Bean’s being such a ham that I can’t stop blubbering his fat cheeks for one split second to pay attention to my husband.
You know what though? Those are all just excuses, really. The truth is that we just haven’t been making an effort this month. Look back through my posts lately. Seen anything really great Chris and I have done for each other recently? Not really. There’ve been fun things we’ve done as a family, but not too much that would give Chris and I time to connect. We’re just kind of coasting at the moment.
And you know how I can tell? Because when he kisses me hello or goodbye, I find myself snuggling up to him for a split second longer than normal. When he holds my hand or sit close to me on the couch, I find myself gravitating even closer to him. I don’t even really notice I’m doing it until I realize that he’s trying to stand up and he can’t seem to dislodge himself from under me and Gracie. I just can’t get close enough. Usually, that means I’m missing him.
Sometimes I think about all the areas in my life that need my active attention and I just want to crawl into a ball and suck my thumb. Bean, the dogs, my family, Christmas, teaching, church, friendships, thank you notes, birthday presents, grocery shopping…and the list goes on. Every day stuff that seems overwhelming when you lay it all out next to each other. And then I think there’s no possible way I can add another person to that list for me to pay attention to.
And then I smack myself on the forehead.
My husband is not an add-on. He’s what everything else should follow. True, I may not have the time or energy or will power to add anything else to my plate right now, but that means that something is going to have to come off the list then. Because Chris goes at the top.
Marriage takes effort. It takes commitment. It takes will power. And then you wrap all those things up in love and serve ’em with a big heaping side of humor. And you make that recipe over and over and over again. And when you get tired or burned out or distracted, you make that recipe one more time.
But a word to the wise: All that cooking can sometimes lead to a bun in the oven… Just ask Gracie Girl…
31 Comments
Erin R.
Well said 🙂
Dyanna
Awesome post!! So awesome in face that I think it would benefit my marriage for my husband to read it. Thanks Katie!!a
Mrs. Jen B
Love that last line. And so true.
Megan (Best of Fates)
You two are an inspiration.
Also a source of me eating far too much ice cream lately.
Jen C
how true! it amuses me when my single friends tell me that i have it so easy because i’m married. Marriage requires work, it needs nurturing and commitment from both people to make it successful. Its great that you have realized that changes need to be made before you get into too big of a ditch. Good Luck!!
Katie M
Thanks for making the choice to choose your marriage first and inspire us to do the same!
tessabella76
Thanks for another great post-and one that I needed to read. My husband and I just talked last night (after I had a mini meltdown) about this last night. We are letting work/school/life/stress get in the way of our quality time.
Amy
I absolutely big puffy heart you Katie. I heart you for this post. I heart you for your transparency. I heart you for all the ways you have encouraged me in my marriage.
Amy L Butler
Marriage takes effort. It takes commitment. It takes will power. And then you wrap all those things up in love and serve €˜em with a big heaping side of humor. And you make that recipe over and over and over again. And when you get tired or burned out or distracted, you make that recipe one more time. –I Love this! I love this site. I recommend it to my friends and family all the time. It’s such a great place to learn, grow and have a laugh. I find myself trying to incorporate ideas that have worked for you for different things into my life. Thanks for letting us into your lives!
Ashley @ According to Ashley
Fabulous post and I love the last line! Tehehehe!
Tressa
Katie, YOU ROCKED MY SOCKS OFF WITH ANOTHER GREAT POST! I needed to read that. Thank you! You are so wise, can we hang out so you can teach me more?! 😉
Jody
Oh yuppers, in place of teaching other people’s kids I’m homeschooling my own, so we end up leading different lives for a bit if we’re not careful. I notice it too when he kisses me goodbye in the morning I take a bit more time to sniff his neck.
You, my dear, are definitely not alone!LOL!
Ariel
This is a great post…it is really inspiring to me as someone who is engaged right now! Thanks for sharing all your wonderful advice with us!
Christina
Wow. I really love this one. So well done. 🙂 Perfectly worded in so many ways, Katie.
When Mike and I saw each other again after a short separation (he was traveling in Israel, buying my engagement ring, haha) I remember snuggling with him and I honestly can’t remember which one of us said it, but one of us did say,”I just can’t get close enough!”
Thanks for the reminder…it is hard work. But worthy of it.
Liss
How do you always write about what’s happening in my life? It’s uncanny! My partner and I aren’t technically married, but we live together and have a son, and we’re really feeling the strain of putting everything else before ‘us’. Because we have no family or friends nearby to babysit, we’d gone over a year without having proper time together. It seems so obvious now, but until we (finally) had a date yesterday, I hadn’t realised how much the relationship is suffering from being neglected. You’re absolutely right – it’s very easy to just take the person beside you for granted, but any kind of partnership needs much more than that. And that’s something I’m working on now, too.
Betty
Great great great post. Thank you! And I agree with Mrs. Jen B, love the last line!
Amy
I panicked for a moment when I saw the subject line and thought, please don’t tell me she’s going to post about how easy marriage is. Marriage definitely is a learning experience because it takes practice to get it right and we’re still not quite there. I too forget sometimes to put my husband at the top of the list. There are always so many other things to do that sometimes I put him on the back burner and that’s just not fair.
Alaina
I’m not going to lie…when I read your title I said outloud “no marriage is effortless!” Having just got married in Sept, we are learning that quickly. Any relationship takes work, and when it involves your partner, your best friend in one, you do have to work to keep it going. I love what you’re saying about the little things that let him know you care and miss him. I feel that same way during the week with T. You guys are an awesome couple, and you definitely inspire me in my relationship!
Window On The Prairie
We’ve been married for 2 and 1/2 years now, and we’ve worked on it regularly. There have been ups and downs, but we work through them, because our marriage is a priority, and the best thing that’s ever happened to us. We view our getting together as a gift from God.
Suzanne
Ashley
I have such a big grin on my face from that last line. Yay, Gracie Girl! 🙂
This is a great post, and you’re right. We definitely have to prioritize and make our marriages/relationship a priority. Everything else, including our kids, is healthier if we do.
Kris H.
Wonderful, accurate post! Adding my two cents from a divorced woman’s perspective… if you continually allow all the “other” (including your children!) to crowd out time for you and your husband, one day you will wake up and realize you no longer know each other, that you (both) have changed in different ways, gone in different directions and, in many cases, realize you no longer like who the other person has become… leading to the demise of your marriage. Making time for your husband/wife and focusing on your marriage is THE BEST thing you can do for yourselves, your children, your life. And yes, it means you have to work even harder, maybe cut out somethings, to keep that focus and spend time together. But in the long run, it is more than worth it.
Lindsay (YoungMarriedMom)
Time to call in a babysitter–sounds like you guys are in need of a Date Night! We try to make it happen every Friday, and when we miss one or two (like we just did with Thanksgiving and visitors and all), we can both tell. It makes a huge difference to make that time for one another. This week, my husband just surprised me by planning for his sister to come watch our little one while we go out. Maybe planning a night out with Chris will help you reconnect?
Also, I love how you speak about Gracie being with you throughout this post–how beautiful that you are including her as part of the family in everything you do.
Katy @ MonsterProof
Oh, I needed the reminder. Yeah, probably need to be making a bit more effort…though, no worries about consequences, the bun’s already in the oven around here. 😉
Lisa
Its so very true, when you stop paying attention to the little things one day when you have a quiet moment you realize how much you miss your hubby even if you see him every day. We try so hard to make time for each other when we can and it can be so easy to want to do when you love hanging out together 🙂
Amy @ Serve At Once
Katie, thanks for keepin’ it real. That’s what I love about you.
Can I just mention that you and Chris are adorable together? And you make adorable babies? I think you need to be reminded of this because of it’s high truth factor.
MistyK
I sooo needed this. However it makes me a little irrated that it so HARD to make time! I always wonder what happens to couples that makes them loose ‘it’. But as a mom of a 6 month old i realize just what it is. Vomit. And Vomit will happen when you are supposed to have a nice romantic night. And then you’ll reschedule. And your Family will invite themselves over. Sigh. And that man that I adore will not get the chance to explore the rabbit trails at the Christmas lights walk… instead you’ll be hearding and rushing through with a crowd that whines that its too cold. I feel ya sister.
sharon
Very nice post … helpful for many. Think you and your readers would like “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.”
Nikki
Thank you for such an honest post! Even though I’m pretty good about shoving your blog into his face almost every night, I was extra adamant for this post! Thought it was good for us to read together. Have a wonderful weekend!
Tabs
Thank you for writing that.
Heather M
For me – I need to have a good curry 🙂 Has the same effect!
Jamie
I think you said it perfectly! When I read, “My husband is not an add-on. He’s what everything else should follow.”, I teared up. That statement really makes your stop and think. You have such a great way with words and making people stop and think about not only what you say but, also what is going on in their lives. Your words jump from the computer screen into peoples hearts that’s for sure.