Taming the Bean
A few weeks ago, I was asked on the Q&A page about our discipline methods and philosophy for Bean at this age. I had to actually stop and think about it for a while and then I kind of panicked.
Did we discipline? Were we supposed to be disciplining?
So, I panicked about that for a few days but finally came to the consensus that maybe that was okay. Maybe that’s how discipline (at Bean’s age, at least) is supposed to be – such a natural part of your interactions that you don’t even notice it after a while. That actually kind of sums up mine and Chris’s philosophy on discipline overall. You stick to your rules and enforce them consistently and effectively and before you know it, the habit of good choices has formed in your child. Ideally, I think discipline should feel effortless and natural and not some big production.
Now, having said all of that and wrapped it up nicely with a bow, it sure doesn’t feel effortless and natural all the time. Some days, Bean drives me up the wall. Some days I feel like all I do is say, “Not for Bean!” (thank you, Mindee…) or “No, Bean,” or “Put that down, Bean.” But really, that’s more like correcting behavior to me. That’s giving instructions. That’s not discipline. To me the difference is that discipline is punishment for an action and correcting behavior is directing or redirecting a decision. I’m sure a behaviorist or therapist or child psychologist might have different definitions, but that’s generally how I look at it.
So, now that we’re all talking about the same things here, let’s talk about how we discipline Bean. It’s happening more often as he grows up and makes more choices on his own. Most of the time, he’s pretty good about going with the flow and if you redirect him when he’s into something he shouldn’t be into, he bounces right along and changes his actions. But more and more frequently, we are seeing him make decisions and take action that is outright defiant. Oddly enough, the closer he gets to turning two in June, the more frequent he’s being defiant…
Funny how that works.
Consistency is our best plan of attack when it comes to discipline. If Bean knows what is acceptable each and every time, then it becomes a habit without him even noticing it. He gets into such a habit of doing what we except that he seems to forget that he actually has a choice. We also make sure that we are consistent as parents, too. Bean can’t have one set of rules for me and one set of rules for Chris. Both of us use the same rules and the same consequences so that we’re all on the same page.
When Bean DOES remember that he can make a choice (and, as I said, that’s happening more often these days), we have a few consequences that we use. First is removal from whatever it is he is doing. Take today, for example, Bean was rolling around on the floor with Molly and they were playing. But Bean started getting really rough and eventually that roughhousing turned into outright hitting – a big no no in our house. So, I said to him, “No, Beanie. We don’t hit. Be gentle.” And he looked right at me and smacked Molly in the face. So, I immediately went over to Bean, took him firmly by the hand and walked him to the other side of the room and said, “No, sir. We do not hit.” It may not seem like discipline, but for Bean it is very effective. Nothing bothers him more than having an activity interrupted, so removing him from whatever he’s doing – whether it be taking him to another room, taking him out of his high chair, or walking him to the other side of the room – it calls his attention to the fact that he cannot continue with that specific behavior.
It used to be that the removal from the situation was the end of the discipline. Bean would meltdown and we would walk away and not give him any attention for that behavior. But in the past month we have really started finishing the discipline process in that situation by making Bean apologize. We remove him from whatever he’s doing, he inevitably breaks down sobbing and throwing a fit (which we ignore), and when he gets himself under control again, we go back over to him and tell him one more time that whatever he was doing was not nice and then we ask him to go say he’s sorry to whomever he was mean to. In this case, I would walk him back over to Molly, ask him to tell her he’s sorry, and then give her a hug. When he’s completed that step, the discipline is over and we happily move on to something else.
If removing Bean from the situation doesn’t work and I find him doing whatever it was he got in trouble for again, we go to a time out. Though, I have to admit, we’ve only used time out a handful of times so far. Mostly because by the time we get him to stay where he’s supposed to stay, he doesn’t even remember why he’s there. I am a big believer in time outs and will use them more as Bean gets older, but at 19 months old, the process takes longer than Bean can comprehend and I don’t see the purpose in disciplining if he can’t relate the punishment to the offense.
Does that make sense?
The few times we’ve used a time out, we have done it quickly so Bean knows that he gets THIS consequence for THAT action. The other night Bean was in a terrible mood. Whining, yelling, getting easily frustrated. It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t punishable either. As long as he didn’t break any rules, then he can be in whatever kind of mood he wants. But then I told Bean that he couldn’t play with the TV remote and in retaliation, Bean picked up the remote and hurled it at me.
No. Sir.
So, I walked over to him, got down on his level, and firmly told him, “No, sir. We do not throw. You need to sit in time out.” Then I sat him on the couch and walked away. He was so shocked he didn’t know what to do at first. And then the wailing started. The pitiful, pathetic, my-mommy-hates-me wailing. When he tried to get down, I put him back on the couch and said simply, “No, sir. You are in time out.”
(Commence Wailing…)
I left him there for about a minute or so. But to Bean it could have been 15 years. It might as well have been a life sentence. He was horrified and hurt and so upset. It broke my heart, really. But after about a minute, I walked over to him and got back down to his level and told him again, “We don’t throw things at Mommy, Bean. Can tell Mommy you’re sorry?” And he instantly spit out, “I’m sawwy,” and gave me a big hug. Oh, it was brutal! BRUTAL! But afterward, I thought about it and really from start to finish the whole ordeal lasted two minutes – max. And I can hang in there with crocodile tears for two minutes.
To be honest, that’s really all the discipline we are using right now with Bean. Right or wrong, for our Beanie, those two methods have been all we’ve needed. When it feels like he’s not being effected by the discipline anymore or that he can comprehend a little more, then we’ll introduce other things. But for now, this is what we’re doing and it seems to be working for us.
What about you? How do you handle discipline in your house? What is your discipline philosophy?
21 Comments
Alaina
No kiddos here, but when T does something wrong, I take him by the hand, look him in the eye and go “No, we don’t do that!” No, seriously, I think I’ve done it once. Nevertheless, it was effective….so basically my husband is like a two year old…
Jeannine
Super Nanny (who I LOVE!) would give you an A+. 😉
Sarah S
We do a lot of time outs and logical consequences, but our kiddos are older. At Bean’s age we just did time outs and/or taking things away. We let the kids do time outs in their rooms though mainly because I could never figure out if they were supposed to be quiet during the time out time and a kid sitting in one spot in the living room yelling at all of us didn’t feel like a break to me. Usually by the time the kids need the time out, I need one as well so it worked better for all of us to just put them in their rooms with the door shut. You can also do longer time outs that way as well when they get older. When my son (kiddo #2) was about Bean’s age he would just throw these screaming fits when he didn’t get the cracker he wanted or something. It would drive me nuts until one day I had had enough and just put him in his room, told him he was welcome to throw his fit in there with the door shut and please come out when he was done. That worked well for both of us : ) It felt brutal at the time but I figured my parenting would be better if I had a break from it rather than me feeling frustrated because I had been screamed at for 20 minutes about a CRACKER.
Christy
I’m not a mom but I do have a background in behaviorism and you are doing all the right things! I especially admire you for restating what Bean did wrong when his fit was over. I think this really important at his age. Also, being consistent is the key to extinguishing any problem behavior. Congrats for not directing any anger at the Bean when he threw a remote at you. I know that will be a challenge for me one day. You get an A++ in parenting 101 (for whatever that’s worth…lol..ummm proudness?).
Abby @ They Lend Me Their Hearts
Yay you guys for being on the same page and understanding early that you have to be consistant together!
Little Man is just 2.5 months older than Bean, and when he hits or pulls hair (it’s not very often) he gets a firm warning, “No hitting. Be gentle” and then if he does it again within a short time he gets a timeout for about a minute and a half. Then he says he’s sorry and/or gives hugs and we move on in a good mood. When my kids are a little bit older and understand the rules about hurting people, they get a timeout immediately after the first offense… no second chances to hurt someone. Warnings are used for other broken rules, they serve as a reminder and an opportunity to make better choices. And of course acknowledging and appreciating their good behavior goes a LONG way!
That said… you can see what Little Man’s diaper changing tantrums have been like on my blog today… I’m at a loss with this particular issue… http://theylendmetheirhearts.blogspot.com/2011/01/tantrum.html
Lori @ I Can Grow People
I can’t say we have a “philosophy” about anything, ever–but we do use time out when we need to if Porter is doing something he shouldn’t be–like climbing our stairs. Like Bean, he doesn’t “get” time out but he sure as hell doesn’t like that we have stopped what he was doing and removed him from the area. We have really only have done it less than 1o times in the past 6 months. He’ll get a warning of some sort first, to allow him to make the choice to stop his behavior, then we put him in time out telling him why what he did was inappropriate such as, “Porter you can’t climb the stairs. You could fall and get hurt.” Then we attempt to keep him in time out, but he doesn’t stay in one spot long. But when it is all said and done, he finishes being upset and gets on with his day.
Ashley
Not that you’re looking for approval here, but you’re totally right to do what you’re doing. Time out is supposed to be time out from positive reinforcement. When you remove Bean from what he’s been doing, that’s effective because he begins to realize that he can’t continue playing or doing what he likes when he behaves in that way. You’re right on (there’s that child development degree kicking in! 😉 ). Thanks for sharing about this!
Rachel
When my husband misbehaves I don’t make him chocolate muffins. I have him quite well trained by now. 🙂
Nikki
I think I’m going to start printing some of your posts as notes for references! I have a degree in teaching, but I’ve heard so many dang options on behavior that i think it is best to find something that works for you and just stick to it. Keep up the great work!
Katherine Malone
I love this post, especially the mental image of Bean giving the dog a hug in the end and saying he was sorry 🙂 Keep up the awesome work; I can only imagine every day is a new challenge and I think you two are doing a great job with it.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
We’ve got a while until discipline is necessary (not much potentially hazardous decision-making going on at four months), but we’re hoping to employ a lot of the methods you use. These photos are adorable–that toothy smile slays me! With Bean getting cuter every day, I imagine it can be tough to enforce those rules!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
My all time favorite tweet came from Chris shortly after you started “Not for Bean”. It was something along the lines of him quoting Bean’s thoughts on that sentence. My whole family laughed.
Your system sounds great and you’re totally right – discipline methods change with their age and development. Next thing you know, you’ll be grounding him from facebook. 🙂
Liz
I’m always amazed at how effective time outs are. With my 5 year old son, it seems that taking away loved toys or forbidding tv time would be a worse consequence than sitting in time out for 5 minutes, but that’s totally not the case. I could take away every toy in this house and it wouldn’t make a fraction of a difference compared to time out. I always have to remind myself of this when I’m feeling lazy and I don’t want to put him in time out!
molly
We never really had to discipline our toddler. That is, until our new baby arrived when Landon was 21-months-old! We had to have a way to let Landon know it was NOT alright to be rough with the baby or hit him. It didn’t happen often and still doesn’t but when he purposefully does something to hurt his baby brother he gets put in time-out for 2 minutes (1 minute per how many years old he is). It works amazingly well. He usually gets upset that he has to stop what he was doing. But he immediately knows that he has done something wrong and is even apologetic for it. We get down on his level, tell him what he did wrong and then he usually kisses his little brother and says, “I’m sorry, Briggy.” It’s really too cute. It works for us!
Deanna
I don’t have too many tips on discipline, but I did want to say that when our kids say “I’m sorry” we respond (and teach them to respond) with “I forgive you” instead of “it’s okay.” I hate hearing “its okay,” because the behavior done really wasn’t okay. So we forgive the mistake and move on, we don’t dismiss it. Just an FYI for you today. 🙂
Tressa
Sounds like your doing great to me. I think the biggest thing is to keep in force what you say. Don’t back down. Kids HAVE to know the line and don’t cross it. If they do, do what you said you would do. Whatever that maybe. No dessert, no TV, no cell phone or no car!!! LOL That’ll be here before you know it 😉
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
I love it. I think you guys are doing AMAZING. I don’t know if you watch shows like Nanny 911 but I love the whole process of getting down to their level. Granted Peanut is 5 days old and the only discipline we have is … um… there isn’t any for 5 day olds is there? I totally am saving this for later. I have a feeling her terrible 2’s and 3’s will be a blast (sarcasm tone…)
andrea
We do most of the same things you do. Right now with Ryan (15 months) it’s just a lot of “no, we don’t stand on the kitchen table”, she is a climber, and we take her down and move her to the other room. AJ is only a few months away from turning 4. He has finally gotten out of the 3 year old stage which, for us, was so much worse than 2, I’d take the 2’s any day. So with AJ, I’ve started using timeout as a cool off period when he does something he shouldn’t do before he gets into trouble, instead of as the actual discipline. I set a timer so that he knows he better not move until the buzzer goes off. If he continues to misbehave then it’s off to bed, where the wailing begins. He has to apologize for whatever he did and, as he’s gotten older, I make him tell me what he did wrong so that it sinks in a little more. Of course it always ends with a hug and a kiss.
HeatherM
It sounds like you guys are doing a great job with disciplining Bean! The most important things are that you are consistent and that both you and Chris are on the same page, & this is most certainly the case.
The only things I think SuperNanny would even have to add would be to consistently use the word “warning” when you give him the warning (instead of just, “No, we don’t do that) to cue Bean to the reality that a time-out is coming if he doesn’t change his behavior, and then to say “You are in time out because ____) at the beginning and end of the time out to remind him why, and then to give him hugs and kisses yourself, since you are the one who put him in time out, & who he did not listen to.
It is good that you are practicing your time-outs now, because then all of you (including Bean) will have the time-out process down pat when you will likely have to use it a lot more after the new baby comes (since Bean will likely act out for attention when he is suddenly no longer the center of attention). Good luck and good job!
Heather Ben
That’s very similar to us. The other thing that devoped, was we try to head her off from the yelling and crying by saying “calm down” while putting our hands out in front and lowering them down while we say it. She would copy and now will do it herself. I think the hand motion distracts her
Also you are so strong! I have a hard time ignoring the tantrums but I think that us probably best. Will try to stay strong more.
PS bean has been looking more and more grown up! Over the last 4 months or so he has really changed a lot.
Tabitha (From Single to Married)
this is a great question mostly because I haven’t figured it out yet. Our son will turn one on the 8th and so far we’ve been following the “Super baby” book’s suggestions of using “NO” only when it’s something dangerous or hurtful. The rest of the time I say “we don’t throw food” or “be gentle with the dog” instead of saying “NO.” It’s worked pretty well so far although I have a feeling our disciplining techniques will be put to the test as he gets older. 🙂