Tragedy Through a Mother’s Eyes
Today I am at a funeral. It was unexpected and untimely and though no death is easy to face, it is this kind of death that seems even harder.
Last night as I sifted through my closet to find something black to wear to the funeral, I paused in the middle of my search to listen to the news reports still coming in from Joplin and other places in the Midwest who have been uprooted and devastated in the past week. And I thought about what sadness there is in all of these things.
This morning as I zipped up my black dress and stepped into my black pumps, Bean brought his race car into my bedroom to play. As I continued to get dressed, he vroomed his way around my bathroom, running his toy car over every possible surface. When he grew bored, he stood up, grabbed his car, and headed out to some other part of the house.
“Love you, Mom,” he chirped as he walked past me.
I put down my make up brush and wrapped my arms around him. He’s not one for hugging much these days, but it was almost like he sensed my sadness. He buried his little face in my neck and wrapped his arms around me as tight as he could. And we sat there for a while in silence. Just hugging.
I think that things hit me harder since I’ve become a mother. I remember a co-worker telling me one time that she was never much of a crier until she had her two boys and then she cried all the time. I understand that now. It isn’t that being a mother means I feel things any differently than someone who doesn’t have children. It’s that now I see things differently. I see things through the eyes of my babies.
In the faces on the news of family searching for their loved ones, I see Gracie. Lost and alone and looking for me.
In the faces standing next to a grave site, I see Bean. Lonely and heartbroken and wondering how he’ll go on.
In each story of love and loss and devastation and recovery, I see my children. And so that is why I cry now. I cry because those people sifting through debris belong to someone. I cry because that person who mourns is someone’s son or daughter. And I cry because it is so hard for me to understand how God, the Father, can allow things like this to happen. But as I’ve prayed over the past week, I’ve felt my Father speaking softly to me. And He has whispered into my sad heart that a parent can’t prevent the hurting. But they can be there to wipe the tears, sift through the rubble, and hold a hand.
And so, today I will stand beside a grave and mourn a sweet friend’s loss of a parent. And then I will come home and pray for those who are putting their lives back together. And then I will kiss my babies and be thankful that I can feel this deeply because I am a mother.
35 Comments
Ginny
Thank you for this post. My heart is breaking. I’m not quite sure how I’ll get through this day when I want so badly to be there. Thank you for going and being there – it means so much to me and I know it means the world to their family.
Lisa B
Absolutely beautiful post today. My oldest (who is 6) recently asked me why I always have tears in my eyes… and my response was:: You’ll understand when you’re a mother….
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
This post was so beautiful, and yet I wish you never had to write it, in a way. I’m sorry for the loss that your friend (and you) are experiencing. I can see why being a mother and being able to love another person in a whole new way would allow you to feel more deeply than ever, and to empathize more with those who have lost someone. I’ll keep you all in my prayers…today sounds like it will be difficult.
Jenn
I have been feeling very similarly lately. It’s crazy to realize that you are ultimately in charge of another life.
molly
This post made me cry. I feel the same way. I think things just hit me more and have the ability to knock me over.
Joplin has been on my mind all week. We’re 2.5 hours north of there and I have this overwhelming urge to hop in the car and go help those poor people. My cousin’s relative was killed. So sad 🙁
Lorrie
Katie, this was a beautiful heartfelt post. I don’t know why we are experiencing so much loss right now, but have faith that it does serve a higher purpose. My thought s and prayers are with you and your friend today.
Katy
Thank you for putting into words how I have been feeling…being a mother definitely allows you to feel things in an entirely different way. My God wrap his arms around everyone suffering today and bring them peace. God Bless!!
Tara@ThatsaWrap
Being a mother has changed how I feel, react, and pray. The tears we cry seem to no longer be just ours but belong to our children and the hopes and dreams for them. Prayers are with you all and God Bless may you all feel some sort of peace in your grief.
deepa
You put into words what many of us are feeling so well. I am so sorry for your loss.
Carrie T
So sorry for your loss. And Katie I thank you for your prayers last night. I live in NW Kansas and we were so very lucky that the severe storm that had produced tornados slipped by us and dropped only rain. Much needed rain, but thankfully no damage. I thank you for thinking of us last night in the line of those horrible storms. Love from Kansas.
Britt
I’ve been reading (stalking) your blog for a long time now, and today is my first posting. I’m a new mother to a 6 month old, and honestly your blog has been such a ‘reading’ relief for me. I had no idea what to expect in becoming a parent, and sometimes I’ll think and feel things, and I think ‘it’s okay, Katie said she felt the same way!’ Thanks for posting this, it is so much of what I feel. I thought I was just hormonal still. We serve a great God who has much greater plans for us than this earthly world can give us. Thanks for speaking out about your faith. In a world where it seems that God is shoved under a rug, its so nice to see that people still love Him, and aren’t afraid to talk about Him. Prayers for the broken-hearted today: )
Waiting for Bulgaria
I can say that you put my feelings into words better than I ever could. The other day we were on our way to eat, and on the side of the rode there was a sheriff’s car and a bunch of cars pulled over. A man on a bicycle had been hit. He was a middle aged man and looked like he was out riding for some exercise. I just about lost it. I kept thinking that man probably has a wife and children. I prayed and prayed he would be okay. Before I had my son, I would’ve said a prayer and gone on, but now things hit me harder. The devestation we are seeing from the tornadoes just about kills me everytime. It makes me want to grab my son and hide from the world, but I know I can’t. We must live and love the life that God has given us. Thank you for sharing, and know that you are not alone.
Kimberly @ The Sparks Life
Such a touching post. I started crying, and I don’t even have babies yet! I know the fear of losing a parent, having gone through the experience not too long ago. And I know that nothing anyone says will make that fear/sadness go away. But please know that a girl and her husband in Texas are praying for peace and comfort for you all.
Nancy
After having survived a tornado myself, my heart bleeds for the good people of Joplin. They will rebuild and recover, but it won’t be easy.
Jen @ Caved In
I was actually just finishing a post about the Joplin tornado and things people around here can do to help when I saw your post. I have never been so paranoid until I became a mother. I hate to fly, I hate to drive with my son, and natural disasters just destroy me. Every day I’m thanking God that my family is safe and it seems like recently there are always more people to pray for. I don’t have family in Joplin but I have friends who do and there are still so many people unaccounted for.
Casey
Katie, this post is beautiful. You have spoken exactly how I have felt since Eli came into my life 🙂
Jenna
I find it beautiful that you are able to still thank our Lord amidst such tragedy. It takes a woman of strong faith to not only weep for those who are suffering, but still turn her face to God and find a beautiful lesson.
Katie
I love your post, and yes I too have become much more of a crier now that I am a mom. I used to blame it on hormones and such, and now I just cry at the drop of a hat. I was tearing up at the gym today when they were showing more of the tornado coverage. Thanks for you post!
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
Being a mother definitely changes the way you think, feel, and pray. Thank you for this thoughtful reflection, and know our prayers are with you today.
Tressa
Katie, this post is beautiful. Speaks volumes of how so many of us feel. In SW Kansas we have been spared the destruction. My daugher who is in college across the state, was 5 miles from a town that was wiped out completely by a tornado. I shed tears not knowing what would happen to her. I’m sorry for your friends loss and the pain you feel due to that. I too, wonder how God lets these things happen. But we need to remember He is still in control. God Bless the U.S.A. and U.S.A. Bless God!!!
Amy @ A Little Nosh
Crying right there beside you, holding you up and supporting you. All of us here in the beige box.
Maren
I feel the same way and couldn’t have put it better. Every tragedy, every death, everything has a keen edge on it now. I’ve been a mother all of my ‘adult’ life (I was 20 when I had him), so for me it’s who I am…
Betty
I completely understand. Today, a baby girl born to a family at our church who was less than a week old passed away. The family also has a 2 year old son. I have held Levi and cried so much today. I am sorry for your loss, and thankful for your honesty.
Mom2Boys
I remember after having my first child I went to the movies….the movie had a scene in which a child dies. I cried so much I thought something was wrong with me! I realized that I was just a different person. You’re right – being a mother completely changes your perspective.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
You write so eloquently what is on the heart of millions. Being a mother changes something in the core of who you are and you see the entire world through a different lens. I had to stop watching the news after I had Zoe because of the stories of mothers and children and disaster {child abuse, death, abduction…} I was nursing my new infant and watching the tragedies and it just didn’t work. I also found that I lived in the world of “what if”…and that’s not good for anybody’s sanity. I have to watch natural disasters like the recent tornadoes, earthquakes, and tsunamis in small doses. My heart just can’t handle that much grief. But, I pray. Even though I don’t see the images, I pray and I pray and I pray. I hold Zoe, cry, and pray some more.
Miriam
This is a simply beautifully written post. I love how much you show how much you grow because of motherhood. And the tragedies in the world make life that much more tender and special.
Kay@bluespeckledpup
Katie, thank you for expressing how love and tragedy can dwell in the same moment. Wishing you peace and the support of your family as you mourn this loss.
Sara
This post was wonderful, Katie. I have been feeling much the same and I live pretty close to Joplin. People at my husbands work have lost family there. I live in Wagoner, OK and last night my family was nearly hit by a tornado. It hit houses only 6 streets away from us. I sat in a basement holding my two boys and all I could do was pray. I am so sorry for your loss, your friends loss, the losses of my neighbors here in Oklahoma, and for the people of Joplin.
Amy L Butler
You always seem to find just the right words to say no matter the subject matter. I throughly enjoy this blog and feel so blessed that I get to read it every day. You’ve taught me many things in your posts and this is just another thing that I can apply to my life. Thinking of you and thank you for sharing.
Whitney
Things that never scared me now terrify me as a mother. I’m sorry for your friends loss. It seems like so many are hurting right now.
Kimberly
This brought tears to my eyes. I definitely see things so differently now that I’m a mother. I want to take all the pain and hurt and tragedy out of my children’s lives. But like you said above, we can only be there to wipe the tears.
So sorry for your friend’s loss.
Karen
Amen and very well said.
Heather
Katie – Your sweet heart is enduring. To be there for your sister is only a reflection of you, your family and your sweet parents. I am thankful for the sweet friendship your sister has brought me. Hugging you, I knew I was hugging her.
Lauren
Wonderful post, Katie. I just saw a clip about a young wife whose husband died to save her from the tornado. So heartbreaking…
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FJ9C1CNU
tara schaubert
thank you so much for thinking of us here in joplin. everything is so horrific, a lot of times it’s crippling. it was nice to read your post today (i decided to spend some time today reading blogs…my mind needed a break). i apologize for the randomness of my thoughts, i am still very much in shock. PLEASE keep praying for us – it’s a long road ahead.