Driving Myself Crazy
I’m having one of those weeks. You know the ones. They are the weeks when every traffic lane you change into on your drive home comes to a complete stop. The ones where you look forward to having tacos for dinner all day, only to come home and discover you forgot to buy the meat. The ones where you finally remember to go by the post office, only to realize you forgot the package you need to mail at home. The ones where your hair gets frizzier as each day goes on, and your legs are hairy simply because you don’t have an extra five freaking minutes to shave them in the shower.
Yeah. One of those weeks.
I feel overwhelmed, but it’s actually been a pretty underwhelming week. There are some things I’m anxiously awaiting, and that always puts me on edge a bit. I have three big events and/or projects happening this week at work, and I foolishly left each of them until the very end to plan. Which means that I have spent each day this week frantically trying to pull together these projects and events in a matter of hours – sometimes minutes.
But more than those things, I have this impending disappointment in myself hanging over my head. I’m trying to let go of the disappointment so that I can move past it and start to fix the problem, but right now I’m in the wallowing phase.
I am just not taking very good care of myself right now. I’m eating terrible, I’m only getting 4-5 hours of sleep every night, and I’m not exercising at all. I look about as run down as I feel, and I am starting to drive myself crazy. Truly, there just aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes. I hate to use that excuse, but it is true. Sometimes, you just need more time to do what’s good for you.
I feel like I am having to make choices that you shouldn’t be making:
Bible study or school work
Time with my kids or time with my husband
Eating quickly or eating healthy
Sleeping more or exercising more
Reading a book or writing a blog post
Spend time with family or spend time with friends
I don’t want to choose between those things. I want to do them all, but there just isn’t time. So, I sacrifice things, and I end up feeling frustrated about that. I start to resent what I chose and miss what I didn’t.
I came to school this morning after only about four hours of sleep, already worrying about two big things I had to get done today. I didn’t know how I was going to manage doing both of them AND teaching… which is, like, my JOB. And in the middle of my car ride to school, just as I’m worrying and wondering and feeling that anxiety rise, my best friend, Sarah, called and told me she was heading to the hospital to have her baby.
Instantly, things snapped into focus. Funny how babies do that, isn’t it? Even babies that aren’t our own. Everything I had to do that day would just have to wait. There was a baby whose head I had to sniff and whose dimples I had to nibble. Everything else could be rescheduled.
It turned out that it was a false alarm for Sarah and the hospital sent her home, but I realized that with or without a baby, things could still wait. Taking care of myself should not add to my stress. It should not be one of the things on my to-do list that weighs me down.
So, I didn’t go running this morning. I can go tomorrow instead. And that doesn’t make me lazy.
So, I ate like crap all day. Again. I’ll eat a good, healthy dinner tonight. And that doesn’t make me fat.
So, I didn’t finish my school projects. I’ll finish them tomorrow. And that doesn’t make me a slacker.
So, that’s the view from where I sit today. Slightly frazzled because of my commitments. Slightly frizzy because of the rain. But completely ready to make the time to take better care of myself. Completely ready to quit feeling guilty and blaming myself. No good comes of guilt, but before you can move past it, you have to let go of it. And I’m ready to do that. Because I’m driving myself crazy.
22 Comments
N. hunter
I really needed this. I have been feeling really guilty myself and this helped.
Margaret
You know, today I had a sick baby glued to me all day and I was a little bit bummed because I really wanted to go running and I wanted to go to my mom’s group (thank goodness it wasn’t my week to lead!) but that was not going to happen. During her naptime I collapsed and barely managed to fold a load of laundry. Not DO it, just fold the finished stuff. And half-way through the day I was like, “Dude, you’ve got to let this go. You have a sick baby who needs you and it’s exhausting enough without worrying about the other things that I thought I wanted to get done.” So I cared for my baby girl and I managed to feed and entertain my son (ok, the TV and a couple of new toys entertained him today) and it is the end of the day and I am lying on the couch and that. is. okay. Tomorrow is a new day. I ain’t got time to worry too much about what should have happened if I were superwoman. So basically, preach it sister!
beth
How did you get in my head and read my throughts in order to write this post?! Thanks for the simple reminders. And now, instead of working till the wee hours of the night and feeling run down tomorrow as I worry about all the things I need to get done/finish; I am going to go to bed and hopefully wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow.
Katie
Sometimes, we forget that when we make the list in our head of things we didn’t do, we also need to make the list of things we *did* accomplish. That includes even the little things.
jenny-bird
I’ve found that putting my headphones on and listening to my music while I’m getting ready to go in the morning (or to go to bed in the evening) keeps my mind free of anxiety at least for a few minutes.
Sharlee@believinginsomething
Oh how I love this post. If I let go of a part of myself for a season to embrace another part (essetially if I choose candy over health) I sure beat myself up. I’m actually trying to bring spirituality into that and remember that God doesn’t see me that way. When I make choices that I’m not happy about I’m not bad (I’m not fat, lazy, or unqualified in any way). He doesn’t see me that way so I need to stop listening to that voice. Sometimes, though, it’s nice to hear that someone else struggles. Thanks for the honesty.
Beanie, Gracie & Tillman's Nana
Ahhhhh…..”Guilt” – The Working Mother’s constant companion, always managing to rear its ugly head when we’re feeling the most worn down and tired. If “guilt’ were an animal, I think it would definitely be a snake.
Beanie, Gracie & Tillman's Nana
I hate snakes
Jen @ Ginger Guide
Wow I just wrote a post very similar to this. I’m in the same funk as you and driving myself and my husband crazy. When you’re pulled in so many directions, it’s so hard to put yourself first. I’m still working on that. Hopefully you do better than I am.
Christy
Hey! Get out of my head. This is my week too.
Vicki
I have been feeling the same way. Thank you for sharing, makes me feel a little better to know I’m not alone, and to hear your new view. For me, your blog posts are like talking to a friend, and I really needed this conversation today 🙂
Kat
I think that some times the pressure I put on myself is what restricts me from getting things done. It prevents me from truly prioritizing the items on my to do list or being happy with my choices. I haven’t figured out how to undo that just yet but I think I’m getting better. Now if only this baby would be here so I could stay home and snuggle her all day without worrying about anything 😉
ps- any update on Sarah?
Nain
I totally hear ya…making those choices isn’t easy or fair. And all it takes is for one thing to make you snap out of it and go “hey, none of that matters anyway.” Here’s hoping the weekend gives you some rest and refresh time for next week!
Sarah
Thanks for posting this. I am pregnant and feel the exact same way. Aside from the Color Run we randomly did last weekend, I haven’t exercised at all in the past few months. I have lost interest in everything I used to love doing, and I feel constantly disappointed in myself, which makes me even lazier. Ugh, not fun to feel this way!
Jewel
I have these feelings all the time and thought I’d share this quote from Madeleine L’Engle’s The Irrational Season which put it all in perspective for me: ” I would like to travel light on this journey of life, to get rid of the encumbrances I acquire each day. Worse than physical acquisitions are spiritual ones, small grudges, jealousies, hurt feelings (or guilt). My spiritual scales fluctuate wildly. They are always on the heavy side, but there are days when I am able to travel light, and these days show me the way. The most difficult thing to let go is my self, that self which, coddled and cozened, becomes smaller as it becomes heavier. I don’t understand how and why I come to be only as I lose myself, but I know from long experience that this is so.”
I hope this helps you as it has helped me!
marci
sweet Katie – I am 55 years old and still trying to let go of the guilt and frustration of not being able to do and be all things! At the end of the day, I am only me. And that has to be enough. And, as little orphan Annie said ‘tomorrow is only a day away.’ Blessings!
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Shannon P
I NEEDED this today… Yesterday I juiced green juice, drank hot water and lemon, took a nap with cucumbers on my eyes ;0 etc…All because I have not been taking care of myself. I am shutting off the TV to read. Putting the cell phone away to spend time with my fiance’ and taking a long walk this evening. We should not feel guilty when we take care of our mind and body. I wlll keep you in prayer.
Kristin B
Thank you, Katie! I really needed to read this because I, too, am doing the same thing. I’m in the middle of directing a show at my school, the New England school accreditation team arrived today, grades are due, and I’m fighting a pretty bad knee injury. I feel crazy, fat, and stressed…but it’s all about perspective. THANK YOU! XOXO
Amie
I’ll add to the chorus of “I NEEDED this today!” I just cried on the phone to my mom for 15 minutes about all these same frustrations, anxieties and overwhelmingness. Moms always make it better, but reading your post also reminded me that others have the same struggles whether we usually talk about them or not. Praying we all have a less stressful time ahead!!
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
Last Friday I called my friend on the phone and left this huge rambling voicemail about how I felt pulled in every single direction possible and it was feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I’m pretty sure at one point I said, “I just want to go home, curl into a ball and cry… but I don’t have time for that!”
Hope
been there, done that!
hope next week will be better…