Chris vs. Grace: The Finale
Gracie ended up swallowing her food around 9:00 on Thursday night. It ended with Chris finally giving her a pretzel and when she swallowed that, she swallowed her mouthful. We weren’t really sure it was a parenting win or not. But the food was swallowed before she got out her chair. Her consequence for not listening was that she didn’t get to read a bedtime book, which is a big deal to both my kids.
And now, a note about dinnertime…
Chris and I don’t subscribe to the clean plate theory in our house. You have two choices at our table. If you choose to make a “happy plate” (a clean plate), then you get dessert. Usually, this is a cookie or a piece of fruit or yogurt or whatever else I have on hand that they love. Yogurt and cookies are equal value to my kids for some weird reason.
However, you don’t have to make a happy plate. You can choose to just eat “enough.” And enough is whatever mom and dad says is enough. Did you eat the majority of your vegetables? Then that’s enough. Did you make a good dent in the food on your plate? Then that’s enough. Did you try everything at least once? Then that’s enough. Sometimes, enough is a number of bites, too. Three more bites of broccoli and one more bite of chicken and that’s enough.
Our kids are small. Both are less than 50% in their weight charts for their ages. Now, that’s mostly genetics, and Chris and I agree with our pediatrician that both kids are healthy weights for their sizes (they are also less than 50% in their height charts). Their weight is proportionate to their height and their weight is distributed evenly throughout their bodes. However, mealtimes are really important for us to monitor to make sure they are getting everything their bodies need. So, while a “happy plate” is not a requirement, eating enough food to satisfy Mom and Dad definitely is.
Chris vs. Gracie was more about dealing with Gracie’s stubbornness. She did not make a happy plate that night. In fact, Gracie hardly ever makes a happy plate, and that’s okay. We ask her every night if she wants to eat more and try to get a treat, but she usually tells us no and gets down (once she has eaten enough to please the parentals). That night, she did eat enough, and she was ready to get down. But it was her defiance in swallowing that last bite that pushed Chris to be so firm.
And, apparently, that night was just the beginning of a few days of Gracie stubborn that we haven’t seen in a while. At school the next day, she came home with a report that said she had been in the “thinking chair” several times that day for not listening, which hardly ever happens to Gracie. Both our kids are super stars at school. Gracie’s only been in time out at school once or twice before. Her teacher said they asked her to clean up the toys, and she ignored them and continued playing for 15 minutes. Later in the day, they asked her to come sit in circle time, and she ignored them and continued to play until they put her in the thinking chair.
On Saturday, I took Gracie to Target with me and, while shopping, she said she had to go potty. So, I took her potty, but when we got to the bathrooms, she refused to sit on the potty. I knew she had to go. Her legs were crossed and it had been a while since she had gone. But she refused. So, I put her on the potty, all while using a conversational tone and explaining that this was a great time to go potty since we hadn’t really started shopping yet. All of a sudden, she started kicking me and hitting me and banging her hands on the bathroom stalls. I’d never seen her do this before! She’s never hit me! (She’s still here, isn’t she?!?!?) I explained that if she didn’t act like a big girl, then she was not going to be getting a Target Treat (Target gives pint sized cookies at the deli to kids, and mine get one if they behave during the shopping trip). She calmed down, but still would not go potty. We went shopping some more, and she then said she had to go again. I took her to the potty. Same. Damn. Thing. I calmly explained that she would not be getting a Target Treat that day, and we left the bathroom.
When it was time for our shopping to end, and we went to get our treat, I got one cookie and handed it to Bean. Gracie sat there for a minute, waiting. And when I started to pull the cart away and head to the check out, she said, “I get cookie when we done paying?” I explained calmly that since she wasn’t a big girl in the bathrooms and had hit mommy, she wasn’t going to get a treat on this trip, but maybe next time she could if she was nicer. She thought about that while I checked out. In the car, she asked, “I get cookie when we get home?” And again, I explained the treat situation. Finally, as we pulled into our driveway, she said, “I be nice next time and then I get a treat.”
“That’s right,” I said. “It makes mommy so proud of you when you are a nice girl.”
Now, do these things indicate that something else was going on with Gracie? Maybe. She might have been working on those molars. Or maybe just feeling a little fussy. We’re all entitled to that every now and then. But teething or having a bad day or even being sick are not reasons to break the rules in our family. One day, those kids will be out in the world and they have to know that not feeling well or having a bad day does not give them the right to act out or up. They can cuddle with me, they can hang out by themselves, they can get some extra loving, they can whine or cry a little more, but they can’t ignore their parents or their teachers and they certainly can’t hurt people.
Raising a spirited child is challenging sometimes. Chris and I constantly wonder if we’re doing it right. But I’ve learned there really is no right or wrong when you’re parenting. There is only your child. Did I ever think we would use treats as a bribe for good behavior? No. But we do sometimes. That doesn’t mean that they always receive a treat. Some nights, for no reason at all, we don’t have dessert and they are still proud to make that happy plate. Some days, for no reason at all, I don’t go by the deli for a cookie after shopping, and they are still happy little guys.
Did I ever think we would sit up at a kitchen table in a stand-off with a three-year-old because she wouldn’t swallow one mouthful of food? No. Never. I used to judge those people. But we do sometimes. Not often, but occasionally, we stand our ground over sometimes silly simply because our kids need to learn the lesson. And sometimes that doesn’t make us so popular to our kids or other parents, and that’s okay. Parenting isn’t a popularity contest. We’re raising two people who will go out into the world and be part of a civilized society. I want to know that when they leave my little nest, they’ll be positive contributions to those around them.
And that they will always finish the food that is in their mouths.
24 Comments
Beth
Katie, this is one of your best posts. Hands down. I have a spirited child too. It’s hard, especially when those who judge (and face it, we all do) are cognizant of the entire situation. Blessings.
Jen @ Ginger Guide
We had an incident last week: Sullivan vs meatball. He sat at the table from 6:30-8 giving the stink eye to a meatball. Gotta love three year olds!
Trish D
I had one of those children! I’m proud to say that he’s 27 now and turned out quite normal. I’ll never forget the day I was trying to park the car in a busy parking lot and through my rear view mirror caught ole Caleb throwing his clothes out the window! He was in his car seat and thoroughly ticked off that he had to go grocery shopping with me…taking his clothes off..piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
Michelle
This comment made me laugh- I sure hope Caleb has grown out of this by now! 😉
Courtney @ The Life and Times of Me
I could make a zillion statements about how I agree so much with this post. Instead I’ll just say “amen” and “good job”. Because seriously nothing more needs to be said.
Sara
Just throwing this out there, but maybe she has a UTI? The bathroom party of your sorry just made me wonder. I got them a lot as a child because of bubble baths. Other than that, great post! I have a hard time on a daily (and multiple times with in the day) basis with my spirited seven year old. Stay strong!
Cindy
When reading I thought the same thing.
When my daughter was younger she had a UTI, and home-girl refused to go potty. Almost the exact same scenario; she would kick, scream while holding on to herself (which was how I knew she had to go) but still refused to go to the bathroom.
Renee
I have a spirited two year old who lately won’t swallow his last bite of food. Makes me bonkers. My husband thinks it must feel good on his gums (2 year molars suck). But I can’t let him walk around with food in his mouth. He will either spit it out on the floor or save it in there for hours – literally. Ugh…some people’s kids, I tell ya. 😉
danielle
I sometimes wonder if spirited children like to test the waters every now and again to see if parents are still going to inforce 🙂 My youngest did that to me after months if not a year without a full blown tantrum. He completey lost it! Kicking and screaming all the way to the vehicle. I was a little worried we were starting round two but it seemed like an isolated incident. I remember doing things just to push my mom’s buttons.
Lee Ann
I can’t help … have no children, so no advice here. But my own stubborn-child story: As a small girl, I hated green beans. Despised them! And of course, growing up on a farm, we ate green beans almost every summer night (and a lot of canned green beans all winter!). One night at dinner, I perfected the art of shoving the green beans under the edge of my plate. Viola! No one could see them. Or that’s what I thought. When I got to breakfast the next morning, my green beans from the previous night’s dinner were in a bowl at my place, waiting for me. And cold day-old green beans were much nastier than warm beans the night before! I started eating green beans.
Megan Beecroft
I rarely comment, but just wanted to say how much I love this post! I also am a mother to a spirited 2 year old girl and I agree with everything you said here! They are such a challenge and it’s hard not to question the choices we make as parents sometimes, but it’s great that you and Chris work together as such a good team.
Cheryl
Love this post. You put yourself out there to be judged constantly (I don’t know how you do it!), but I do know I agree with everything you have written. I, too, have a spirited child and some days I do it right, and some days I screw up.
Bottom line, I love your posts, I love your honesty. Thank you!
Kattrina
Great post! My two year old has just decided that throwing his toys (at us and the dog) and hitting (me and the dog) when he’s frustrated is a good way to get his anger out. I am trying everything to get him to realize it’s not ok, but pretty much anything I do seems to be failing. Boo. Not sure exactly what to do. I think you’re doing an amazing job with your kids! I wish I knew you in real life so we could chat and figure these things out together – I need a good moms group!
Becky
The only thing that’s right for your family is whatever works.
I agree with commenter above: “amen” and “good job”.
Suzanne
I couldn’t agree with you more! I think you are absolutely 100% spot on for standing your ground. Kids (everyone for that matter) NEED to know who the boss is and what the rules are. You aren’t doing them any favors by allowing them to break the rules and get away with it. They will be students, employees, spouses, parents, etc. one day and you’re building a foundation for their lives. Any parent who doesn’t understand that, I don’t understand. I hope you didn’t get judgment from that post. It was funny as well as informational 🙂
Julie
You’re doing a fabulous job!
Grandma Barnes
Kudos to you and Chris! You are right on target!
Love, Grandma
Kiwi Jess
Awesome job!
This was a really heartfelt post and I loved it. Keep up the great work with your kids and the blog!
Christy
I’m not judging but definitely taking notes for future reference. I like all your ideas on how to handle theses situations. A few weekends ago I babysat a toddler that kicked me and had tantrums. I told him, “no, that hurts me!!”. I have no idea how his mom deals with these tantrums every single day. I was happy to give her a few hours off!
Katherine
I wholeheartedly agree with your statement that parenting is not a popularity contest, and I love that you want your children to make positive contributions to those in the world around them. So often I hear parents making excuses for their children’s bad behavior and/or treatment of others, which really just enables the child to continue to do what wasn’t right in the first place. I don’t have young children at home now, but I really appreciate your blog and the way you write about marriage, education, and raising children.
Alex
Amen! and that is why I love to read your blog so much, keep up the great work and keep sharing please!
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
“Parenting is not a popularity contest” A-freaking-men. This post was absolutely amazing.
sarah @makingitmyhome.blogspot.com
my parents would be the first people to tell you that I was a “spirited” child as well. in fact, my dad loves to tell the story that on their way home from the hospital with me, he looked over at my mother and said, “this one is going to give us a run for our money”.
Jenna
Yes, yes, yes. You are fabulous and smart and refreshing and an inspiration. 🙂