I am massively messing up my children in terms of reproduction and sexuality. Seriously. I don’t know what is wrong with me! I turn into an embarrassed middle school girl whenever they ask me questions about it and I stumble through stupid answers that are definitely filed under what NOT to do in the parenting books. Part of the problem is that A) Chris wants NO PART in talking to our kids about the birds and the bees. So, I don’t have him to plan an attack with, which leads us to B) I have no plan. So when they ask out of the blue – and it is ALWAYS out of the blue – I am completely unprepared. Take today’s car ride home from school, for example.
Bean’s teacher had to leave in the middle of the school day because one of her family members was having emergency surgery. So in the car, Gracie asks, “What’s surgery?”
Harmless, right? WAIT FOR IT…
“It’s when doctors have to cut you open and fix something inside you,” I explained.
“Oh,” she said. “You had two surgeries, right? When Bean and I were born?”
Getting a little closer, right? WAIT FOR IT…
“Yes,” I said. “But, you know, not all babies are born in a surgery. In fact, most babies aren’t. Surgery doesn’t have anything to do with babies, usually.”
“So…..” said Gracie.
WAIT FOR IT…
“Then, how are most babies born?” Bean asked.
AND THERE IT IS.
DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIT! Why did I say the word BABIES?!?!
“Well,” I fumbled. “They come out of… of… out of the mommy’s… bottom.”
There was, like, half a beat of silence before Gracie said, “You mean you POOP them out?!?!”
AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, SO I SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD MY CHILDREN THAT MOM’S POOP BABIES OUT!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!??!??!
Bean and Gracie laughed for a solid 5 minutes, and then said the word “poop” for another three minutes. And while that was happening, I was frantically trying to grow a set of mom balls and just SAY IT to them.
Finally, I said, “Well, you don’t really POOP them out. They come out of where you pee.”
“So,” Gracie began. “They come out covered in PEE?!?!?!?”
“Um, no,” I mumbled, as I wiped sweat from my brow, but it was no use. The damage was done. The kids were laughing hysterically and saying “poop” and “pee” in between breaths and I was mentally considering whether I should save for their future therapy bills in a traditional savings account or whether I should invest the money for them until they were ready to use it…
And then suddenly, Bean turns to Gracie and says in a completely serious voice, “You shouldn’t laugh, Gracie. It might happen to you.”
To which Gracie replied, equally as serious, “I’m not pooping or peeing anymore! A baby might fall out!”
Oh, good, I thought to myself. This went well.
WHERE THE EFF DO I BUY A BOOK OR SOMETHING FOR THE NEXT TIME THIS HAPPENS?!?!?!?! Is there a section in the bookstore called, “For Parents Who Are Permanently Damaging Their Children?”
Cause it’s probably in there.
SIDE NOTE: These pictures were taken at the Crayola Experience in Orlando a few weeks ago. We have annual passes there and it has become a quick favorite for wasting away a rainy afternoon. I would definitely add this to your list if you are coming to Orlando with kids and have a few hours to spare. *Not a paid advertisement. Just sharing!*