WARNING: You are now entering the “too cool” phase of parenting!
This Sunday, we were sitting in church together as a family. The first 20 minutes or so of our service is praise and worship music, and so we were all standing up singing when I happened to look over and notice Bean was sitting down. And not only was he sitting down, but he was slouched down with one knee pulled up on the chair. It looked like he was sitting on the couch at home. So, I very quickly motioned with my hand for him to stand up.
Our kids have been coming to church with us since they were born and Bean has never sat down during worship before. But I knew exactly where this was coming from. He had just attended VBS this past week and whenever Gracie would tell us all about the songs they sang during the praise music part of the days, Bean would proudly announce that he and the boys in his group sat down during all the songs. I recognized this for what it was – a bold statement of “I’m too cool for this,” which is really just part of growing up. It’s a really obnoxious part of growing up, but it’s part of the whole shebang.
Bean stands back up for the song we are singing and I very casually, very mom-like, reach over and put my hand on his back as I am kind of patting along to the beat of the music. And then I suddenly and tapping air because Bean has shrugged me off. ME! HIS MOTHER! THE ONE WHO BROUGHT HIM INTO THE WORLD. HE SHRUGGED OFF MY BACK TAPS! So, without missing a beat to the music, I licked my finger and stuck it in his ear. Nothing like a wet willie to teach a kid whose boss. But it had the desired effect. It temporarily broke the “too cool” spell and made him laugh, so I went back to worshipping and left him alone. But as soon as the song ended, Bean sat back down again.
I continued to sing for a few minutes, thinking about this whole situation. This was new to us. Bean has always willingly participated in church services. We teach our children why we are doing what we do in church – we sing to praise God, we pray to talk to God, we listen to the sermon to learn about God, we give to serve God, we take communion to be closer to God. That’s always been important to us, that church isn’t just rote actions without meaning. Now, that doesn’t mean they always understand or even really care. But at this age, they get the gist and that’s okay for now. But this blatant not participating thing was new and I knew that my actions were going to set the tone for how we handled the kids faith going forward because, while our faith is deep and infiltrates our entire home, I know that the kids will have their own path to God – some of it will be predictable, like being “too cool” for singing songs and clapping along in a church service, but some of it will be unique and important as they get older – and how we handle these early years is setting the tone for the role Chris and I will be allowed to play in their more formative years as they get older.
So, after a minute or two, I sat down on the pew next to Bean, motioned for him to sit up straighter, and then put my arm around him and started whispering in his ear.
“Remember during VBS this week you learned about praising God?” I asked and he nodded his head.
“Well, during church, we sing songs to praise God and we stand up as a sign of respect to God,” I whispered and, again, he nodded his head.
“I know during VBS you sat down with all your friends, and that’s okay. But on Sunday mornings when we sing, I think you should remember why we are doing it. Now, you can sit down if you want and choose to NOT praise God, but you still have to sit up straight in your seat out of respect for God and the people around you, okay?” I said it without a hint of judgment or scorn in my voice, but he still lowered his head as he nodded. Then I gave him another wet willie and stood up to continue praising.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him. He sat up a little straighter and then just sat for a minute. Then, on his own, he stood up. He sang and clapped and participated in the rest of the service, all on his own. He even smiled and was back to his normal, happy self in the service. No trace of the “too cool” around. And I left him alone. The middle school teacher in me has learned that the worst thing you can do for a kid sometimes is to draw attention to when they have made a good choice!
Do you ever have those moments as a parent when you handle something important just right and it actually goes the way you hoped it would?! Those moments are rare and far between, let me tell you. That could have just as easily have backfired on me. But I thought about that small, quick incident during church all day yesterday and woke up with it on my heart this morning, too. I think the reason it well was because I gave Bean the choice. He wasn’t in trouble, he had options, he wasn’t being forced to do something he didn’t want to do. I explained the reasoning and then gave the choice to him.
I don’t always give choices. When it comes to behavior, especially. There is no choice for bad behavior in our family. But I was so thankful to have recognized that this was not a behavior issue. This was not Bean choosing to act out. This was Bean learning about the difference between hanging out with friends in a relaxed environment versus being in church with family. He is also learning about the role faith plays in our lives, that it is bigger than friendship and bigger than VBS and bigger than ourselves. That we love, respect, and revere God and that we act accordingly. Does Bean know he is learning all this? Absolutely not. But I can see it and I recognize it as all part of him growing up.
I am none too excited about entering the “too cool” phase of life with Bean, but I know that it’s part of growing up. And, more importantly, I know that this is an important time for me and Chris as parents because we are setting the tone for communication and decision-making in our family for years to come. Lots of small conversations now are paving the way for bigger, more important conversations with our children that are to come. So while sitting or standing during church may not be that important, what IS important is that we handle these smaller instances by respecting Bean and talking to him, as opposed to trying to control him and punish him. Because in two, three, five years from now, as these conversations turn into much more important issues, we will have laid a strong base of love, support, and respect in our relationship with our kids.
Man, this parenting stuff is tough. It just jumps up in unexpected places and announces, “RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE, MOM AND DAD.” It would be so much more convenient if it sent a letter or some kind of notification before it happened. “Dear Chris and Katie, today during the 9:30am church service, you will have a significant parenting moment with Michael. Prepare yourselves.” But, nope. Instead, we don’t often even realize the importance of parenting decisions until after they are made. It’s when we are laying in bed that night, looking back over our day, tallying up how much therapy we have caused our kids to need later in life that we realize that something important just happened. I can only imagine that as the kids get older, those situations are going to pop up even more unexpectedly, so it is even more important that our actions as parents now build strong, healthy relationships with our kids.
No pressure, right?
