Self Care for Business Owners

If there has been a bright side to our miserable summer, it has been the rapid growth and success of ClassMax.  What started as a little something I was cooking up for my own classroom has blossomed into an education platform used by teachers in over 1,600 classrooms across the country – and even a few international schools!

In fact, ClassMax has been successful enough that last week, I did the unthinkable.  Something I always said I would NEVER do.  I quit my teaching job.  Talk about a completely terrifying, liberating, earthshaking decision.  But as much as that decision probably should worry me, it really hasn’t.  I figured that I would panic as soon as I got off the phone with my principal, but I sat there waiting for the panic to rush at me… and it never did.  I have felt completely peaceful about the entire decision.  Well, peaceful and PUMPED.

Can you be both, you ask?  YES, YOU DAMN WELL CAN.

I’ve been working full time for ClassMax this summer and we have seen such huge benefits from the time I can give right now.  Mostly, I am doing sales, which comes in forms that I am completely familiar and comfortable with, like blogging and social media, networking, and talking to teachers and administrators across the country.  I am in my element there, actually.  That’s my sweet spot.  Put me in front of educators and, honestly, just let me go.  It’s where I am comfortable.  It’s what I know best.  It’s what I am good at.

But selling ClassMax is only part of my responsibility now.  I own a company.  Along with Chris and our business partner, Nick (who, God bless his soul, is brave enough to work with a married couple and my temper), we are managing staff and building infrastructure for the future.  We are scaling out next features and steps, and we are negotiating with investors.  There are conversations about payroll, taxes, legal issues, and web developers using phrases like, “material-ui with responsive designs” and “microservices architecture” and “heroku deployment.”

Sound like another language to you?

Yeah, me, too.

In contrast with the product and sales part of my job, I feel overwhelmed and under qualified when it comes to the business side.  What takes other members of our team seconds to think through and process takes me much longer.  And because I doubt myself in these unknown areas, I’m even started to question myself in areas that I know well.  I’m speaking with investors and advisors who own multi-multi-million dollar companies on a daily basis, people who have had great success in the startup world, experts in their field, in fact.  And when I’m on the phone with them, I think I do a fairly decent job of holding my own.  But the minute the calls end, I literally melt into my desk.  I’m exhausted from ALL THAT I DO NOT KNOW.

I have never backed down from anything in my entire life and I damn sure am not backing down on this.  But with the stress of Chris’s dad’s illness, the unexpected loss of my Grandmother, and the constant responsibility of having the kids home all summer, I have never felt more at a loss.

The other night, I just broke down when Chris got home.  I am not a crier, but there were ugly tears, imaginary friends.  UGLY tears.  And what initially came out as anger (it’s my go-to emotion… blame the red hair…) quickly revealed itself as fear and as doubt.

• I was fearful I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I was doubtful I would ever know what I was doing.
• I was fearful I wasn’t pulling my own weight in our company and I was doubtful I could take on more, even if I had to.
• I was fearful I had taken on more than I was equipped to handle and I was doubtful that I could overcome that knowledge gap.
• I was fearful others could see how utterly lost I felt and I was doubtful I could hide it much longer.

Fear and doubt had a hold of me really good, which is so odd because for all the things I am – anxious, a worrier, a control freak – I have never been fearful and I hardly ever doubt myself.  I’m usually very brave and often overly assured of myself.

I went to bed that night feeling better for having formed my emotions into actual words (I’m a bit of a five year old when it comes to emotions.  Just about any emotion other than pure happiness comes out as anger and makes me want to hit someone).  And then I woke up Saturday morning and gifted myself a day of leisure.  A day to clear my head.  To do things that fill me up.  Things that are important and necessary to only me.

There were probably a hundred different things I should have been doing.  Actually, there were probably a hundred different PEOPLE who thought I should be doing different things with my time.  I’m sure my husband thought I should be home doing laundry that has been piling up after weeks of travel for all of us (sorry, sweetie!).  I’m sure our business partner, Nick, thought I should be catching up after being away from my office for days (sorry, Nick!).  I’m sure our PTA board thought I should be getting together the materials for our meeting later this week (sorry, Kim!).  I’m sure my blog readers thought I should be putting together a blog post since I haven’t written anything in weeks (sorry, imaginary friends!).  I’m sure Chris’s family thought I should have been at the hospital with Mickey (sorry, family!).  There are hundred different things that I probably should have been doing.  But if I don’t take a minute to get control of MYSELF today, I won’t be able to do any of those so very important things later.

So what does taking care of myself look like?  On a normal day, it’s small things.  Spending time with my kids, reading a book, taking a nap (I so very, very much love a good nap)…  But after weeks of spinning my wheels and running all over the state of Florida and taking care of our kids and Chris while he takes care of his dad and family, taking care of business trips and trying to figure out a new job and new lifestyle for myself, self care needed to be something drastic.  Something away from what I was used to.

And so, Saturday morning, while Chris was working, I packed the kids up and headed for an impromptu day at the beach.  I stopped at McDonald’s and got my favorite breakfast – a plain biscuit with a large unsweet iced tea, extra ice.  I let my kids watch a movie in the car, which I never do unless we are traveling, and I just drove in peace and quiet.  And it felt great.  I ate my breakfast and thought through all the decisions and responsibilities I had had to make quickly in the past few weeks.  As I sorted through everything, I took deep breaths and organized it all in my own mind, which was a jumbled mess.  When we got to the beach, I unloaded our things, slathered all of us in sunscreen, and I just sat.  I had every intention of reading a book or looking through some research I have been meaning to review for ClassMax in the past week, but I ended up just sitting there.  For four hours, I sat on the beach and did nothing.  With each breath, I could feel myself letting go of the stress and pressure.

Sunday morning, we went to church and then Chris and I spent the rest of the day working.  Some on ClassMax, some on Marriage Confessions, some on laundry (oy!), and some on just tending to our home that has been neglected over the past month.  By the end of the weekend, not only was my heart full, but my head was clear.  I felt stronger, braver, prepared, and confident.

No, I don’t know everything I need to know in order to do my job, but I’m a quick learner and a hard worker.  I am not frail or weak, and I damn sure am not a quitter.  I’m not a half-asser or a second guesser.  I’m not afraid or doubtful.  I’m a woman who owns a company, who runs a family, and who knows what I want my future to be.  I need help, I need encouragement, I need Jesus, and I desperately need a pedicure.  None of these are new elements in my life.  None of these are things that will sink me.

But that’s what I have learned in the past few weeks.  Needing things does not stand in the way of being successful.  Taking care of family priorities does not stand in the way of being successful.  Raising children does not stand in the way of being successful.  Taking care of myself does not stand in the way of being successful.  Being unbalanced for a season does not stand in the way of being successful.

I still have a lot to learn, but don’t we all?  Isn’t that just part of life?  Aren’t we always reaching, growing, learning, and trying?  Gosh, I hope so.  Because the alternative would be ridiculously boring.