A Lesson in Sour Grapes

The morning of Bean’s birthday, we gave him is phone. He was ecstatic and super surprised because we told him he couldn’t get one until he started middle school in the fall. Needless to say, the phone on his birthday was cause for MUCH celebration.

Unless you’re the little sister of the big brother who just got a phone. Womp, womp.

In the middle of setting up his phone, Chris looked over and Gracie was bawling! We were so surprised! Never once had we thought that it might be hard to watch for Gracie, and so we were completely caught off-guard by her tears.

But, remembering that it was Bean’s birthday and not wanting him to lose the fun of getting a phone in Gracie’s tears, Chris and I gave Gracie a pat on the back and sent her to her bathroom to wash her face and then come back and rejoin us.

If you ask me as a parent and as a professional educator what the one over-arching issue is with kids today, I would tell you it’s entitlement, which we hear all the time. “I deserve that phone because he got one, so I should get one.” Or, “I worked hard, so I should get that trophy.” Or, “I waited patiently, so now I should get whatever it was I was waiting for.” In the real world, you can work your ass off and STILL never get what you are working for. You can try REALLY HARD and still never win. You can do the EXACT SAME THING as someone else and they can get the reward. Those are just tough parts of life that happen to all of us. But what I see so often is parents who make it easier for their kids during tough times and that serves them neither as a child, nor as an adult.

We could have told Gracie to go wipe her face and then maybe watch TV or give her something to entertain her or take her mind off of Bean’s phone. But the truth is that we were celebrating Bean and Gracie needed to be part of that celebration for her brother, even if it meant facing something that she didn’t want to face.

So, she went upstairs and washed her face off and came back down to hang with us while we set up Bean’s phone and played with his new birthday toys. We gave Gracie the job of teaching Bean how to use the phone because she is way more tech savvy than he is and she liked knowing more than him for once.

But once Bean went off to play his new video game, Gracie found her way into my bed and a fresh round of tears. So, we did what we do when our kids are being silly about something. We messed with her. Chris gave her wet willies in her ear, I tugged her braid, we both tickled her until she almost wet her pants… You know, good parenting stuff. 🙂 Once we got her to stop crying and actually speak words to us, we asked her why she was crying on Bean’s birthday and she said, “Because Bean gets a phone and I want one.”

“Well, you know the rules of the house. When can you get a phone?” I asked her.

“Middle school,” she mumbled.

“That’s right. Same rules for you as for Bean.”

“But I want one,” she cried.

“Gracie, let’s think about Michael for a minute since it’s his birthday. How do you think it makes him feel to see you crying while he tries to play with his new phone?”

“Not good,” she sighed.

“That’s right. Not good. It’s no fun to get something cool if you can’t celebrate with your family, right? So, I think you’re being a little… selfish, my friend.”

And she started crying again.

“It’s alright,” Chris told her. “Everyone acts selfish every now and then. That’s just part of being a person. But when we REALIZE we are being selfish, we have to change our behavior, right?”

A little head nod from Gracie, but at least the tears had stopped.

“Why don’t you go with Dad to pick up the donuts for breakfast? That would be really unselfish of you to go get Bean his birthday breakfast. That would be really nice of you.”

And then she complained and cried some more and then I said in my angry mom voice, “GO GET YOUR BROTHER DONUTS AND SHOW HIM YOU LOVE HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY!”

And that’s how that conversation ended. #reallife

It sucks being the little sister sometimes. But it also sucks to be the big brother and have to damper down your enthusiasm on your birthday so you don’t upset your sister. And that’s not happening in our house because in the real world, sour grapes is a tough lesson to learn. Better to learn it now around your family who loves you even when you’re learning than learn it out in the world later.

The thing is, when your kids are learning life lessons, like selfishness and jealousy and ugly things like that, it isn’t a good look for them, is it? But as parents, we have to love our kids through those experiences, not give them a pass around them. Growing up is tough, so tough love is sometimes the only way through.