Getting a Handle on Temper Tantrums

My adorable, sweet, loving, kind, cuddly Beanie Boo has turned into a total turd in the past couple weeks.  These temper tantrums are becoming more frequent and they seem to be gaining strength so they are much more dramatic.  By the end of the day, I look like I’ve been in a bar brawl.  My hair is a mess from me pulling it out all day long.  My eyes are glazed over in the haze of defeat.  It ain’t pretty.

But in the past couple of days, I think I am starting to claw my way to the top here.  That’s what I have decided is the key to these phases that Bean will go through: I have to stay on top of them.  If I let them take over me and Bean and our house, then it all goes to hell and it’s just miserable for me, Chris, AND for Bean.

The first thing I did to start taking control of this temper tantrum phase is to try and understand what they are.  Instead of just rolling my eyes or huffing and puffing or hiding under my bed, I tried to really pay attention to Bean before, during, and after a tantrum.  What started them?  What kind of mood was he in when he had them?  When did they escalate?  What resolved them?  And when I started paying that much attention, I actually started to be able to distinguish his tantrums.  Kind of like how when he was a newborn I had to learn what each of his different cries meant, each of his different kinds of tempter tantrums meant something different.

The first kind was the most frequent and the most dramatic and the one that made me want to sell Bean on eBay.  It was a forceful, sharp, quick yelling.  Over and over again.  Almost like chirps, but much more agitated.  There were never any tears.  Because these were so frequent and, quite frankly, so freaking annoying, these were the ones that sent me over the edge.  I would yell to Bean, “NO, MICHEAL!” and, of course, this would send him even more over the edge.  What I learned when I stopped to really pay attention to what was causing these types of tantrums, I found that these were actually the easiest to solve.  These outbursts were not anger, but were Bean’s frustration.  Maybe he had gotten a toy stuck under the couch or maybe he couldn’t get the Legos to stack right.  Each time Bean had these kinds of yelling tantrums, he was trying to do something that he was having trouble doing.

Now, I am a firm believer in letting kids figure out their own problems, with guidance from parents.  I think that can be applied at any and all ages.  And at Bean’s age, this means that I don’t necessarily go right over and fix whatever his problem is at the moment.  Usually, if he just works through the problem for a minute, he can un-stuck himself or whatever he’s frustrated with.  But if after a few good yells he still isn’t making any progress and I see him getting more frustrated, I go over to him and sit with him and together we fix the problem.  I might show him where his ball rolled so that he can get it out himself or I might help him put his Legos together.  Usually though, letting HIM solve the problem is a lot more satisfying for him than if I just come over and fix the situation.

The second type of tantrum is happening more often, but still not as much as the frustration.  This one happens when I have to take something away from him or remove him from somewhere.  This kind of tantrum comes on quickly and (thankfully!) dissolves quickly, but it’s a doozey while it’s here!  There are frantically waving arms, stomping feet, head thrown back, sometimes tears.  It’s really a sight to behold.  But it can’t really be prevented because there are things Bean just can’t play with and there are places where he just can’t play, so the action of me taking something away or taking him away from something is unavoidable.

I have come up with a great way to curb the length of the temper tantrum though.  We trade.  If Bean has something he shouldn’t be playing with, instead of just yanking it from him like I was doing, I now offer him something he IS allowed to play with as a trade.  And I let him give me what he isn’t supposed to have.  This way, he is actually making the choice to give up his toy instead of having it taken from him.  Now, sometimes this doesn’t work.  I might have a lame toy to trade him and he’d prefer to continue playing with the phone charger.  When that happens, then I do have to take it from him but I still give him the other toy that I was trading for.  He might still have a little meltdown, but having that other toy in front of him keeps those from lasting long.

I worried at first that by trading with him, I was setting up some kind of weird precedent.  Something psychological that said, “Before you give up anything, you should get something.”  And I don’t want to teach him the wrong lesson.  But then I figured that trading was okay because he’s not in trouble when I trade him.  It’s not his fault that he found something he can’t have, so taking it away isn’t punishing him, it’s just keeping him safe.  And so trading then becomes a positive way to show him what is acceptable to play with and what is not.  At least, in my house that’s what it means…

The third kind of temper tantrum is the four o’clock temper tantrum.  Contrary to it’s name, it doesn’t only occur at four o’clock.  In fact, it can happen at any time of day.  The name comes from the four o’clock witching hour at my house when everything falls apart – Bean cries for no reason, the dogs bark for no reason, I begin to think about dinner and try to begin cooking in the middle of the noise and chaos, Chris starts calling to see what we’re doing when he gets home from work.  The four o’clock hour is a circus at my house and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  That’s what a four o’clock temper tantrum is, too.  Bean just melts down for no reason – at least no reason that I can solve for him or with him.  Usually, that’s my cue that it’s nearing nap time or bed time.  Or, it might be his teeth that are bothering him.  The four o’clock meltdown isn’t something that I can trade my way out of.  I just have to gauge how bad it is and then act accordingly.  If it’s just whiney tantrum, I take him back to his bedroom and we rock and read a book until he’s calmed down.  If it’s a loud, yelling, crying, total meltdown, then we usually go for a little walk – maybe to get the mail or to throw a frisbee with Big Molly in the backyard.  Changing his environment can usually snap him out of it.  But if this kind of tantrum is a Level Five, sirens wailing, angry-for-no-foreseeable-reason kind, then I calmly take Bean back to his crib and sit him in there with a few toys and then walk out.  He wails for a minute or two, but then he usually starts playing with whatever I’ve left for him and as soon as that yelling stops, I go right back into the nursery, all smiles and songs, and we play in his crib for a while.

The crib thing is tricky because I don’t want Bean to associate his crib with punishment, but at the same time I need somewhere safe to put him so that he can calm himself down.  That’s why I leave the toys with him.  He’s not being punished, so he can have somethings to play with.  And that’s also why I let him stay in there for a couple minutes when I come back into the room and we start playing together.  That way, we’re playing while he’s still in his crib and so he knows that this is a happy place and that he’s not in trouble when he’s in there.

I’m sure there are a ton of different parenting books that might contradict one or all of these methods, but these are the things that are working for our family right now.  Feeling like I have some solutions to help Bean get through those tantrums without always just telling him, “No,” makes me feel so much better.  I feel like we have options and solutions when he has meltdowns now, instead of just running around trying all these different theories that I’d read about that didn’t seem to be helping any.  Parenting philosophies are so tricky.  There are a million of them out there, but what it should come down to is what works for your family.  At the end of the day, Bean knows that he is a good boy and that I love him.  And over time, he’ll start to learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  But for right now, at least I can help him get his emotions under control so that he doesn’t feel like he’s spinning out of control by himself.