Tiny Tortured Soul
For years Chris has tormented me. A poke in the side here. A tickle there. A pop with a kitchen towel here. A finger in my ear there. Slowly, little by little, he has worn down my soul. He can’t help it. When things are quiet and calm, when he can sense my peace, that’s when he strikes. He’s like this really tall third grader who just can’t stop putting whoopie cushions in your seat. He cannot help himself.
When Bean came along, it was only natural that he, too, would become a victim to Chris’ pranks and taunts and irritating ways of making you laugh when you least wanted to. Bean will be sitting somewhere, quietly playing on his own with a sock or a block or something and Chris just can’t help but come up and clap really loudly behind him. Bean jumps. Looks terrified. Considers crying. And then breaks out laughing at his Daddy.
And Chris’ life is complete.
Take, for example, Bean’s new Christmas toys. He got several buckets of rubber squirt toys for the bathtub. Bean likes to chew on them. Its his favorite thing to do in the bath. But when Chris comes into the bathroom, he takes a squirt toy and starts gently and repeatedly squirting Bean on his forehead. Naturally, Bean starts crying.
Chris throws down the squirt toy and announces to me, “Bean hates squirt toys.”
The possibility that Bean hates having his Dad SHOOT HIM WITH THE SQUIRT TOY never crosses Chris’ mind. Cause that’s what Dad’s are for. Instead, I just shake my head and tell Bean that I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do to save him from his father. I’ve put up with it for almost eleven years. Its only fair that Bean take a shift or two.
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“Bean,” I said. “Look out behind you!”
“What?” Bean said. “I don’t see anything.”
“Bean!” I yell. “There is is again! Look out!”
“Geez, Mom,” said Bean. “Settle down. Its just a lumpy blanket. There’s nothing there.”
“BEAN! LOOK OUT!!!”
“Okay,” said Bean. “That’s a freakishly large lump in that blanket…”
“BOO!” yells Chris.
“Dad! You just gave me my first gray hair. At seven months old.”
“Its alright, Bean Man,” said Chris. “The ladies love the salt and pepper look.”
“Well, if you say so…” said Bean.
11 Comments
Becky
My hubby is exactly like that. I’m grateful to our little girl for taking some of the heat off of me! He’s like her dad and big brother all rolled up in one.
Amy
I needed that laugh!! Oh the things Daddys do.
Jackie
LOVE the new design!!
lynn mcintosh
It’s interesting what reading all that stirs up in me. I was married to an immature fellow like that years ago. And he never “outgrew” it either. The sad thing is, little ones usually grow up acting the same way because children emulate what they see…and so it just moves from one generation to another. Kinda sad.
Kara
My gosh, are all guys the same?! My husband is the EXACT same way! He got a RC car for Christmas and he chased my 18 month old around with it even though the boy was screaming bloody murder!
Haley
We don’t have kids yet so I’m the sole receiver of my husband’s cruel jokes (not that I’m innocent on the joke front, but that’s a story for another time).
His favorite is when we’re spooning right before bed, his arm will be around me and he’ll feel my breathing start to slow…I’ll be right on the edge of a peaceful nights sleep, comfortable and safe in the arms of my love, then he’ll jolt abruptly like something is wrong. There’s nothing worse than being jolted awake, your heart starts pounding, the adrenaline courses through your body and it takes a really long time to get back to sleep.
He think it’s hilarious then promptly rolls over and goes to sleep.
Jenn
My husband likes to stick his finger in your mouth when you yawn. It ruins a perfectly good yawn and is so annoying, but no matter how much I hate it, he loves it. So annoying. Very cute pictures! I am probably behind the times, as I have been away, but I love the look of the blog.
Hilary
Luckily, I have a freakish toddler who LOVES to be scared! My husband will sneak up on her or chase her around the living room growling, “I’m gonna get you!” and she’ll shriek and squeal and as soon as he grabs her, she’ll bust out laughing! She’s going to be a horror movie maven! Nothing like her momma, that’s for sure. I threaten to kick him in the family jewels.
Patty Ho
Ok, that made me laugh out loud. You crack me up.
Happy New Year to you and the fam. New Year, new blog layout. The layout rocks. A++
EmilyC
Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
Jen
Whew. I thought I was the only one with a father who did things like jumping out of my closet to scare me or pretending he didn’t hear me begging him to stop tickling me. Thanks for helping my psyche a little bit! 🙂