Finding Happiness as a Stay at Home Mom
Waaaaaay on back when Bean was born ten months ago (it really does seem a whole lot longer than that, doesn’t it?), I had to adjust to being a working mom. Going back to the office after three months on maternity leave with him was really tough, but I learned to appreciate daycare for the experiences it was giving Bean and I learned to love my job even more for the experiences outside of the house that it gave me. It became a really great thing for our family.
Since we’ve moved to Florida, one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make is staying at home with Bean. I’m still actively looking for a job and send resumes out as often as the jobs come available, but finding a job right now is tricky. Especially when you have a baby. I need to make enough money so that putting Bean in daycare is worth it. If I make just enough to break even on the cost of daycare, well, I’d rather just stay home. At first, I was desperate for a job. I’ve worked since I was sixteen years old. My job has always been my identity. When someone asked, “What do you do?” it was essentially like someone asking me, “Who are you?” And up until this point, I’ve always had an answer for that.
When people ask me what I do here, I was sort of fumbling for an answer.
“Well…uh…I’m looking for a job…”
“Um…I…uh…I’m unemployed…”
“Oh, I…um…am getting us moved into our house and then I’ll look for a job but the market is pretty saturated so I’m not sure how long that will take so for now I’m home with the baby and Chris is working but that doesn’t mean that I’m not contributing DAMMIT!!!”
It was very stressful.
And then last week, Chris and I had a good, long conversation about the State of Our Union. We talked about where we are and where we want to be. And we talked about how we would get there. But mostly, we talked about what we can do to be happy right now. Today. Because we can’t just sit here, miserable, until things change. We have to make ourselves happy where we are – crappy rental house, no money, no job for me. We just have to do it.
Happiness is a verb. Its an action. And we had to actively pursue it.
Now, I don’t fill my days worrying and thinking and dwelling on where I want to be. I fill them enjoying where I am right now. I love that I am able to spend my days with Bean. I am seeing every single minute of him growing up right in front of me. And while I loved that he was experiencing the benefits of daycare when I worked, I do have to say that it is so nice to not have to read about what he did that day on a sheet of paper. Seeing him learn to balance and walk, watching him testing his limits and learning what “no” means, helping him explore the world from his short little perspective. It has been such a blessing to me.
There have been periods of adjustment for both Bean and I. We get tired of each other. We both need time outs occasionally. But during those times, I give him a little space and in no time we are back to giggling and playing again. And that’s when it was nice to have Chris home. He and I would take turns giving each other some time and space, and that has been really wonderful during a time of transition. It had been so great having Chris home with us for the past month. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he actually starts working in May.
I’m sure we’ll all go through a huge adjustment during that period, too. But, for now, we seem to have figured out this part and we’re really loving spending time together. We’re experiencing things that we won’t be able to share when Chris and I are both working, and to me, that has been the key to enjoying where I am right now.
Another thing we are doing now is working from home. In the first weeks we were here, we were consumed with unpacking and getting our feet underneath us again. We then took about a week where we did absolutely nothing. We were exhausted from everything that we had been through in the past few months, and for a week we really just took it easy. We slept a lot and just laid around the house. While that was much needed rest, it was during that week that both Bean and I had little meltdowns. Bean went from being in an active daycare to just sitting at the house. And I went from working full-time and all the excitement of moving to suddenly just sitting in a small house all day. Both of us sort of panicked. (That’s when I wrote THIS blog post.)
In the past two weeks, we have really made a change in our lifestyle. Chris and I were feeling lost and out of sorts and so we made a master list of things we wanted to accomplish during our time off. Now, we get up and going in the mornings and we try to knock at least one thing off that list every day. I am also starting to work on my writing more. I’ve been blogging a lot, working with our web designers on our new website which will be coming later this summer (so freaking exciting!), working on sending out resumes and following up on positions, and working on writing in general. I even started putting together a letter to literary agents yesterday – whoa!
Its a little tricky to get work done from home. Our house is my working area, since its so small.
There really isn’t anywhere for me to go to get in my zone and writing is difficult for me when there are lots of distractions. Which explains why most of my posts lately are just telling you what we’ve been doing instead of any kind of deep reflection on anything. Its just hard to reflect when this is your desk…
And when this guys is shrieking about three feet away from your desk.
But, that’s another plus about being a stay at home mom now. I don’t have deadlines. Anything I’m doing right now is my own initiative and my own responsibility and if I don’t get it done that minute or that hour or that day, well, I’ll still be here tomorrow. And that is a comforting feeling. Its something I have had to learn to embrace though. Before, I had to get all of my own things done in small time frames in the evenings or on the weekends. But I’m learning that my time can be distributed differently now. Bean gets the biggest chunk of it – and that is just CRAZY AWESOME. But that still leaves me with a lot of time to get my own things done. And that is a blessing that I just wasn’t appreciating before.
Life is different every day. But that’s not just because we moved or because I’m looking for a job or because I have a growing baby. That’s just the way things are. And fighting against that change or mourning the loss of the past will be a constant state if you don’t just accept the change and move forward. I’m choosing to do that. And I’m choosing to make myself and my family happy during this time of transition.
Someone asked me this week what I did, what my job was. And for the first time, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t struggle for words. I didn’t hang my head or apologize or explain or validate what my job is right now.
I am a stay at home mom. And more than that, I am a happy stay at home mom.
42 Comments
Jessica @ How Sweet
I love your perspective on this. We are planning on having kids soon and already have had discussions on me staying home or still working. They are pros and cons to each. Glad to hear what someone else thinks!
Katherine
I am so excited for you all in your new adventure. I loved that you mentioned actively pursuing happiness – The Pursuit of Happyness is one of my favorite recent movies. It spoke volumes to me and made me realize how much we all have in our lives RIGHT NOW to be happy about 🙂 Good luck these next few weeks and months!
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com
Staying at home isn’t for everybody, and I am so glad that you’ve found a balance that makes you happy! Even if it’s temporary, that’s something so many people can never figure out: happiness.
Katy
Sure sounded insightful for all the distractions! Great new perspective!
Megan (Best of Fates)
I love that even though your stay in that home is temporary, you’ve still decorated and hung pictures and made it feel all cozy, like a permanent house. That, plus the (awesome) list of things to do, makes it clear you’re doing a great job of focusing on what’s important. And there’s even time for space travel.
Molly
I am going through the exact same thing as you right now. Having a job has always been my identity. So when I became unemployed last September, I must say, I really struggled with it. And I still have days where I just want to drop my son at daycare and go be productive in some other way than just getting my child to eat his spaghetti-os. SCORE!
But I, like you, have been relishing in the fact that I get to see everything my son does on a daily basis. And the transformation in this short amount of time has been amazing. Hearing him say mama 100 times a day has been better than any paycheck I have ever received! And I have bonded with him so much during this time. I always felt like my husband or grandma was his favorite person. Now I honestly feel like he looks for me first. We’re good buddies now 😉
So it’s a blessing and if I look at it like that, well, I know I’m gonna come out on the other side. Of course, I know I’ll work again someday. But for now, it’s just not in the cards for me (I’m due with another baby boy in May). I have faith that God is working on our plan for us and everything is just as it should be right now.
Dora
Dear Katie, I´m a anonymus reader, I´m from Peru, I love your histories, and I´m proud of you, been a stay home mom is the hardest work in the world, in my opinion. I´m too young for think in something like that.. but I admire you for accept your actual position.
Good luck
Candice
You should definitely feel lucky for all that you have. Many people couldn’t afford to have one partner/parent be jobless for any period of time… and I live in a home smaller than your temporary one with no plans or ability to move anytime soon, even though we’re expecting our first child next month. You and Chris are really very, very lucky. I’m glad you can find happiness in this new, alternate situation.
Megan
Inspirational Katie. I have huge struggles adjusting to change. And I have HUGE struggles making my own happiness. I want to be happy. I know I have to make myself happy. But when I get bogged down by inconveniences of my situation or burned out from the day to day of being a stay at home mom…it becomes easy for me to find that UNhappiness again.
So, it’s a work in progress for me. But…things like your post give me inspiration to keep moving forward.
Thanks for that!
Megan
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
The position definitely has its ups and downs but its the best one in the world IMHO. Good job with the to do list though. It’s WAY too easy to let this time slip away. You’re self-discipline is admirable.
Laura
I have been a stay at home mom since before my son was born. I am used to it now, but before there was this transition period where I was like “what the heck am I supposed to do now?!” So I get it. And like Sarah said, staying at home isn’t for everyone. It sounds like you are settling into it nicely though. Good luck finding a job! 🙂
Kat
I am a career gal and very driven. I’ve also worked since, well, I don’t even remember. But when I have kids one day, I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom and would be proud 🙂
Kendra
What a great perspective. Cherish each day and not focus too much on the future. Change is always hard.
Good luck on the job search.
http://www.monkeetrouble7.wordpress.com
Sarah H.
Nice post Katie, I’m glad I get to follow your family through your blog and on twitter, and that every now and then I win things and you send me packages 🙂 It’s a good relationship.
Caitlin
I think you’ve definitely found the positives in this transition. What a great opportunity to spend time as a family (and having lunch with astronauts!) and pursue the things you wouldn’t normally get to do with a full time job. Staying at home is HARD, it’s exhausting, and there are times I’m pretty sure I have it easier going to work than my daycare provider has it staying home with Bink. Enjoy the time you all get together!
Amanda
Good for you! When I became a stay at home mom, I went through a phase like this. Your job is your identity for so long. When August came around (I was a teacher for 10 years), I got really upset. I had gone back to school in August for 27 years, and I felt lost because I wasn’t going back anymore. But then I realized that I’m living the dream of a lot of women, and I started to cherish my time with my son and enjoy my new job.
Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble Style
Good for you Katie, it is all about perspective. I am glad you are able to enjoy all the little moments with Bean, he will only be THIS LITTLE right now, so take it in while you can.
Kristen
I feel that my comment should reflect on the theme of this post. But really, what I want to talk about is how impressed I am that you seem to be pretty un-packed and settled in. My fiance and I moved into our new place in August and there are STILL boxes of crap lying around. 🙂
Megan (Best of Fates)
I just realized I never put you on my RSS feed, so I came back to today’s post to get it, and your most recent tweet is about your lunch. Which is underneath your twitter joke about lunch.
Get it?
Well, it made me laugh.
Quite a bit.
Maggie
I like to work. A LOT. But with children in our distant but not-quite-as-distant-as-it-used-to-be future I find myself wondering about the working vs. staying home bit. Its great to hear from someone who has real experience on both sides of the fence!!
http://www.maggiemphoto.wordpress.com
Kelly
Thank you so much for this post! I love all of your posts but this one really spoke to me. My husband and I just got married in October and we went right from our honeymoon to moving to another state mile and miles away. I have been having such a hard time adjusting to our new life. I am still unemployed, and like you I have never been in this situation before. We don’t have kids so I feel that people will judge me when I say I am currently a stay at home wife. Like, “what do you do all day!?!?” Plus its so hard to be without family and friends close by. But you have inspired me to create memories and happiness in this moment of our lives instead of looking back on what was. Thanks again! And know, you aren’t alone 🙂
Heather in ND
Another great post, Katie! I love your perspective on things. I wish I was more like you… I need to start being more postive in life!!!!!
Holly
I’m glad you feel happy to be home with your little man! I am a stay at home mom and every month I love it more. It’s amazing to be the one to cover your baby with kisses all day and be the one to comfort him/her. It took me a long time to feel as if I didn’t have to explain myself to people. I would almost apologize in a way for staying home. I think deep down I felt guilty that I am this blessed to be with her every day and others don’t have the opportunity. It’s a rare thing and you should be proud. Now, I say stay at home mom with pride and when asked I tell them I love it. 🙂
Lisa
Hi Katie,
I’m a lurker 🙂 I look forward to your posts but have never commented before.
I am a mom to three little girls and just last week quit my part time job. I was staying home with the girls during the days and when my husband got home to watch them, I was off to work from 6-10 pm. I did that for almost 4 years and we are finally to a point where I could stay home full time.
I always felt the need to justify my working part time – daycare costs, etc… And then after I put my two weeks in, I thought it would be hard to answer when someone asked me what I do… but just yesterday I was asked and I was able to proudly say… I’m a stay at home mom. With a smile on my face and no guilty feelings trying to invade my thoughts…
Good luck to you on your job search! Sending happy thoughts your way.
Life of a Doctor's Wife
I can only imagine how stressful this move has been on all of you. So glad to hear that you and Chris have made a plan and that it’s helping you feel more centered.
Also, I love how you describe happiness as an action. You’re so right – it doesn’t just drop into your lap. You have to go out there and grab it up. Thank you for the reminder!
Maggie
Cheers to you! I love the way you’ve found happiness where you’re at. That’s something I’ve been working on as well – finding peace at where I am and not focusing on where I want to be. And, you’re absolutely right: happiness IS a verb. Thanks for bringing that back to light!
Nicole Gas
I so needed to read this! A condo deal we just had our hopes on fell through, and my husband and I were miserable. Reading about you choosing to be happy and openminded really helped. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m verbing all over the place now
http://jumpwithbothfeet.blogspot.com
Jenny
Katie it is such a privilege to share your journey with you. I got a little teary reading this because it hit so close to home for me. I quit my job when my little guy was right about 10 months too (although it was medical problems rather than a move that brought it about it). I had all the same anxieties when people asked what I “did” and started out assuming I’d go back to work as soon as I could. Over time, I realized that God had led me to this place for a reason and my family decided it was best for all of us. Now my little guy is 2 and a half and every day is an adventure. Good luck to you, Chris and Bean with all of your adventures!
Sarah Barker
Katie,
You are a SAHM, but you are also a WRITER!!!! Just tell people you are are a writer who works from home…because it’s the truth! 🙂
S
Niki
Just because you don’t have a job outside your home and aren’t getting a paycheck doesn’t mean you don’t have a job or that you aren’t working. Being a housewife/stay-at-home mom is a job and you are working. I’m a housewife and SAHM and I feel no shame in that. I tell people with pride that I’m a SAHM. But then I never was the type who was career-minded. I worked outside the home before I got pregnant with my son and honestly I hated it. I have no desire to work outside the home and I pray I never have to again. So far God has blessed me to be able to stay home.
Mom of one
I am so glad you said something about this… I have recently taken my daughter out of daycare, while I work at home. And was SOOOO nervous about it! So far I have found it sooo much better with just a few rearrangements of my schedule. Seeing your little one grow up before you is amazing!
Jen at Cabin Fever
Its great that you are looking for ways to step aside from everything that is going on and trying to find what will make you happy right *now*. And I honestly have worked my whole life since I was 14 and want to be a stay at home mom, or at least a mostly stay at home mom. You are lucky to have found a way to somehow make it work for your family and spend so much time with Bean! Cherish it because many moms don’t get the chance to.
Ella
It sounds cliche but they arent babies for very long so it great that you have this time with Bean.
Erica
Hi Katie,
It is so wonderful to hear that you have accepted this ever-changing transition. I am not a true Mom or wife though I have ‘played the part of’ for a few years now until that one day about a month ago when I was dumped! Your words,”And fighting against that change or mourning the loss of the past will be a constant state if you don’t just accept the change and move forward. I’m choosing to do that.” Those words speak volumes – and I thank you! Have a wonderful day tomorrow – enjoy all it has to offer!
Holly
Well said, Katie! I, too, have struggled with the same thing. I stay at home with my two little boys and am making the most of it while I have the opportunity. They’re never going to be this age again, and I want to be there to see them grow. Also, I’m so happy you and Chris have found a church you love. We relocated this past fall and one of the most wonderful things has been our new church home. I’m a stay-at-home-in-yoga-pants kind of a girl, but I decided I was going to force myself to jump right in and get involved. I’ve met some wonderful people through our Sunday school class, working in Mission Friends on Wed. nights and through the MOPS group. I highly recommend finding a MOPS group close to you…I assume they have them in FL! It’s a great time to be around other awesome moms that are going through similar things as you. Good luck…you’re a super mom with a precious Bean!
Dana
Hey, Katie!
As always, I love your perspective. Such a great way to look at things. I also like the way that you and Chris discuss things and figure out a plan together. So awesome!
I am a SAHM and I recently blogged about “my job,” too. Here is the link, in case you want to check it out!
http://thecrazykeyfamily.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-love-my-job.html
Leah
Thanks for the post Katie. While we’re doing this without kids, we’re in the middle of a move to Ohio. My hubby is living in Ohio while I’m trying to sell the house in Memphis. We get to see eachother about everyother week. He comes home every 3 weeks and I’m in Ohio for work once a month. We’re getting into the season of graduations and family events so we’re trying to be eveything for everyone all the time. Despite not seeing eachother often and the stress of it all, this was a good reminder that attitude is a choice and happiness is something we can find even in the small moments. Taking it one day at a time 🙂
Heather
Hi Katie,
One of the things I love about your blog is how honest you are about the difficult times as well.
The thing that really struck me about your post today was this part:
“When people ask me what I do here, I was sort of fumbling for an answer.
WelluhI’m looking for a job€
UmIuhI’m unemployed€
Oh, Iumam getting us moved into our house and then I’ll look for a job but the market is pretty saturated so I’m not sure how long that will take so for now I’m home with the baby and Chris is working but that doesn’t mean that I’m not contributing DAMMIT!!!”
Five months ago my husband lost his job (we’d only been married for 3 months at the time) and I had to move home to my parents and him to his dads for a new job. I didn’t have a job for the whole five months and it was so difficult because I used to define myself as someone who worked, earnt and contributed.
And it is really tough.
((hug)) I think you’re doing great.
Love, Heather xxx
Cindy
You are a great writer and a great mom! That is your job titles and that is all anybody needs to know!
Alaina
I recently started a blog about my struggles with this area (http://throughthelookingglass-laina.blogspot.com/). I am having a very hard time because I feel I have no identity outside of wife and mother. It’s nice to know there are others out there I can relate to. For some reason, I think face to face it’s hard to talk about but behind a screen it’s easier to not feel that judgment. It’s hard to show weakness and vulnerability. I’ve yet to find the answers to turn my life around. I will continue to check up on your blog!
Leigh Ann Kopans
Thank you so much for this post! My husband was laid off a few months ago and just found an awesome new job…two states away. I *had* an awesome job that I am now leaving, and weeping every day over. No job possibilities in the new town. I’m really struggling with suddenly being a stay-at-home mom – which I *never* wanted to do – to my 3 little ones. I love them to pieces…this was just never how I envisioned my life. Not at all what I wanted. And it’s very hard.
And what makes it a little better is hearing someone else say the same thing.
Thank you.
Alaina
I am now following your blog. I posted a link to your blog on my blog as a follower. I changed my blog and recently created a new one. Here is the link to my new one:http://reflectionsofanavywife.blogspot.com/