When Parents Are Married
I have tried writing this post for two days now. It’s really hard to write for a couple reasons. First, I try to make sure on my blog when I talk about problems or arguments or fights Chris and I have that I don’t present them in a manner that allows you as a reader to take sides. Sure, I like to rag on Chris and make fun of him, but for more serious issues, I really do try to be as middle of the road as possible because this blog isn’t meant as a place for you to judge my marriage, necessarily. It should be a place where anyone’s marriage can be inserted into my situation and you can see yourself in our position. So, I make a focused effort to not finger point or place blame and if I do, I try to be balanced and point the finger at myself as well. I hope that comes across to you in my writing.
It’s also hard to write this post because I’ve never experienced this kind of fighting before and so I don’t feel as though I have any real wisdom to impart or anything profound to say. But I’m going to share the story anyways because I think that Chris and I surely can’t be the only two parents who have dealt with this before.
Yesterday morning, Chris and I got into a really big fight. And I’ll be the first to admit that I was probably harsher and meaner than I needed to be. But it was about Bean and something primal came out in me. I’ve heard motherhood described as being like a mother bear and I totally felt that yesterday. As much as I love Chris and would never want to say anything to intentionally hurt him, the fact that this was an issue with my son seemed to trump that and my gloves came off and the momma bear came out swinging.
Here’s the thing…
Chris has an idea in his head of the kind of parent he wants to be. And I love that about him because he has this amazingly cool, laid back, just hangin’ with my favorite little guy image for himself and I think Bean is so lucky to have a dad like that in Chris. In fact, my parenting style is pretty laid back as well. I don’t really get wigged out over messes Bean makes. I don’t follow him around with antibacterial wipes and cans of Lysol. I don’t freak out if Chris sneaks him a pretzel or two. There really hasn’t been too much that rattles me.
But Bean’s safety is a different matter.
When it comes to Bean, I want him to be as safe as possible. No negotiations. No exceptions. If it’s unsafe, he’s not going to be near it. Or if he has to be near it, then I’m going to be right there beside him. And I don’t consider that to be a hovering parent or an uptight parent (and even if it is, I don’t really care). Bean’s safety is my responsibility and I don’t take that lightly at all.
Chris is slightly different. It’s not that he doesn’t take Bean’s safety and well-being just as seriously as me. But he thinks that Bean will learn by experiencing things and so he doesn’t jump right in when Bean is about to fall off of something or is doing something that might be questionable. Instead he tells me, “He’ll learn.”
And I agree with him to a certain extent. I do think kids learn best by experiencing things themselves. And when they’re learning and growing, I think it is the parent’s role to be supportive, nurturing, and encouraging, without being overbearing. You should let your child succeed AND fail.
But Bean is one year old. He isn’t capable of learning cause and effect right now. Maybe in a year or two we can start letting him learn a little that way (nothing wrong with a little pinch on his fingers when he’s slamming cabinets that he’s not supposed to be playing in…). But I mean, right now, how many times am I going to have to take him out of the dog bowls before he learns that he can’t play in them? His little bitty brain just isn’t that logical yet. He is growing like a weed and becoming so big, but we can’t forget that he is still a little guy. And so I’m not going to sit there while he needlessly falls off the couch or off a step and say, “Oh, he’ll learn.” We’re not to that stage yet.
In the past few weeks as Bean has become more mobile and a lot braver, he has really started climbing and getting into a lot of things. And it just seems that lately he has been getting hurt more and more while Chris is watching him. Nothing major – just a little cut in his lip here or a head bump there. And I know it isn’t a lack of attention on Chris’ part and that he’s trying to be the best dad he knows how to be, but there comes a point when – as Bean’s mom – I have to step up and say, “Hey, you’re not doing this right and you’ve got to change.”
So, that’s what I said yesterday morning. Only I think it went more like this, “I’m just saying that he doesn’t get hurt when he’s on MY watch!”
And there was also the, “You’re not being a responsible parent” remark. That one didn’t go over too well.
And of course there was the fatal, “I’m tired of feeling like I can’t trust you with the baby!”
And when I said these things, Chris responded back that I was being dramatic and that nothing that had happened have been too bad. And that’s when I said that, true, nothing YET had been too bad, but what happens the ONE TIME it really is bad? Do I have to wait for that point where Bean is really hurt before I have the right to speak up? And I think that’s when I said something like, “It is your responsibility to be a responsible parent – not Bean’s buddy.”
Yeah. It was a pretty rough fight. And I really didn’t say things the way I wanted to say them. They came out harshly and, more regrettable than anything, I pitted me against Chris. And as parents, I think we should try to stay on the same team here. Otherwise, we’ve got no chance against Bean Man, especially as he gets older.
And smarter.
And faster.
The reason it came out so harshly was because I have been biting my tongue for weeks. Every time I’d see something that made me nervous, I wouldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to nag. I didn’t want to be that wife or that mom who thinks that it’s my way or the highway. Chris has his own style of parenting and he brings things to the table for Bean that I could never bring. So I know that Chris’ methods are different than mine, but that they are just as necessary as mine.
But when it comes to safety, I shouldn’t have just sat there until I festered to the point where it just came spewing out of me. What could have – and should have – been a good conversation about safe practices in our home became a really big fight. So big that it’s been two days and we still aren’t really speaking yet.
This was a big fight for us. And I think the fact that we were attacking each other as parents made it feel so much more personal. I think Chris was embarrassed and hurt and upset that I was questioning any aspect of his parenting because he makes that his number one priority. And I was frustrated and angry that it felt like I was always the one having to be the grown up. Those are two things neither of us have felt or dealt with before in an argument before and, let me tell you, it was really hard.
I called Chris at work today and told him that I didn’t want to fight anymore and that I missed talking to him and that I loved him. He agreed and things have been quiet at our house tonight, but better. I don’t think there will be any apologies. To be honest, we usually don’t apologize when we fight (analyze that!…actually, don’t…) and there isn’t a need for apologies with this. I think we both made our points and there’s no need to drag this out any longer. Chris seems to be making more of an effort to keep a better eye on Bean and I am really focusing on my words and how hurtful they can be.
Some days I don’t know how I would do this parenting gig if I weren’t married. And then other days I actually wonder if it would be easier to parent with Chris if we were business partners instead of best friends who share checking accounts and toothpaste. But in the end, no matter how hard it is to be parents, we’re only able to get better at it because we have a strong, solid marriage to build on. And that marriage is, for us, what makes us better people, better spouses, and better parents.
105 Comments
Alaina
Wow, yeah, that had to have been hard to write. I’m not a parent just yet but I do think you’re right in that couples all have those fights were things just come out that have been festering like that for too long. It might be a good thing that you guys both got them out, and now you can move on from that and grow.
Ashley
VERY WELL WRITTEN! I think you did a great job at staying neutral!
Heather in ND
Hang in there, Katie! BIG HUG!!! Thanks for keepin’ it real…
Alyssa
This post really hit me…I can see my husband and I having these kinds of arguments and disagreements. I’m also one of those people who says things too quickly, without thinking and I can be really really hurtful when I’m upset and/or think I am right 🙂 I think it’s really great though that when you argue or disagree that you duke it out and try and move on. The point isn’t that you argue, the point is that you get it out and are able to move on within a reasonable amount of time. I’ve seen couples go through months, even years without arguing- only to end up divorced. I’ve also seen couples go through months, even years without ‘getting over it’ and being miserable.
I think disagreements and arguments are a part of any relationship- especially marriage. Take into account being newer parents and these issues are bound to come up A LOT more than it did when you were dating and things were so much easier. Now you have such bigger things to deal with- you have Bean!:)
I can only hope that when we have kids that we are able to do the same as the 2 of you- doing the best you can and working through things one issue at a time 🙂
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Not taking sides. I wasn’t there, I didn’t see it and I’m sure y’all both had points to make and regrettable moments.
At least that’s how it works here.
If I may though . . . even if apologies aren’t your style, I recommend them. There’s something about saying, “I was wrong when I _______________. Would you please forgive me?” that really clears the air.
And forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting – it means that you stop holding it against the other person. Over the course of a marriage, there will be a lot of things to hold against each other. If you let that list get too long it will bury you.
Say the words. It matters.
Sarah H.
I agree with Mindee. Even if you’re agreeing to disagree —it’s good just to say I’m sorry for the way I acted when______. Or I shouldn’t have said ________, I didn’t mean it and I know it was hurtful. Or just something. You don’t have to admit the entire argument was black and white, wrong or right etc€”just maybe choose little things to apologize for. And I’m sure you do that, maybe you just didn’t realize it.
One thing that stands out that my pastor told a small group of us at Church was—when you get angry you’re brain is flooded with hormones/chemicals and you no longer can think calmly or rationally€”that’s when crazy mean things start flying out of our mouths and if you have a safety word (hers is Marzipan) that you can say when things get heated—it sort of stops the flood of chemicals and makes it so maybe you can think straight again. I haven’t tried it yet.
courtney
Thanks for the insight. I need to try that – it makes sense.
Candice
This may have been hard to write, but you’d never know it. I don’t always agree with things you write, but I think this post is fantastic and you have done an excellent job of presenting the issue and situation fairly.
I’ve read many times that fathers balance out mothers b/c mothers are more protective and fathers are more likely to allow bruises and falls as “learning experiences.” But I think I’d end up reacting like you. What happens when I’m not there to see it is too scary.
Betty
Great post, I can totally see me reacting the exact same way as you. Thank you for being so honest. Definitely a learning moment for me as well.
September
No comments on the argument, except to say that we’ve BTDT more than I care to admit over the last 13 years. And yes, parenting arguments are tougher than most because it attacks what we, as parents, want to always be the very best part of ourselves.
And on the safety thing, kudos to you and don’t back down. Not one iota, ever. My children are 7 and 4 and after numerous issues have arisen over the last several years (prompted largely by my in-laws installing a pool) I decided to pretty much toss diplomacy out the window. They’re my kids and–though other people may love and cherish them–in the end their safety is *my* #1 concern, and not anyone elses. I make the decisions regarding who watches them, what cars they’re allowed to ride in and what type of supervision is needed in a given situation. My children are irreplacable and for that reason alone I’m unapologetic to anyone (though thankfully I don’t get any resistance at home because my husband is paranoid to the point that I’m the laid back parent…which is pretty scary!).
Maybelline
I’m totally like you Katie, but in my marriage is even harder, because my husband and I come from 2 different cultures, so words are meaner sometime for one of us and our parenting style is like yours, he is more relax than me. I could totally relate to your fight because I’ve had one of those that the baby was number 1 and I became a totally different person, like if I wanted to defend him from a predator.. It’s crazy what motherhood make us say and do.
Sarah H.
Aww, Katie-thanks for sharing. As someone who doesn’t have children, but has been married for 5 years, it’s an interesting perspective you’re giving me here. A lot to ponder. I think you and Chris will come around and you’ll be chatting up a storm in no time. Hopefully much was learned on both sides!
The only thing I can compare this to is my cats. My husband is crazy about their safety. Every time I open a door to outside he asks me to quickly close it—even thought the cats are asleep in the other room and I know they’re not going to escape! They’ve never once tried to run away. But I just respect him, because if that’s going to be his issue—loosing the cats, then so be it. And whenever I tease him about how uptight he is about it he always says it’s because he knows how much I love my cats, and if anything bad happened to them I’d be devastated–so he’s really just protecting me. Nice man cover story don’t you think?
Sarah H.
Some more thoughts. First€”after the tooth incident I feel your concern over safety is completely normal and sane. You seemed to bounce back after the tooth incident much better than I would have! Second€”You and Chris got into a fight because you were just falling into your gender roles oh so well. In the child development class I took in college (way back in 2001) I learned that children can gain such different skills and learn different things from their Mother and their Father. Mothers seek to protect their child from the world€”they see things in How will this incident/environment/experience hurt, harm, or benefit my child? And How can I make the world (this could be the living room) more prepared for my child€? Whereas Fathers, well they’re more about How can I make my child ready for the world€? They all are about kids learning things on their own, and figuring it out, and helping them to be ready for different environments and experiences. Now of course those are big generalizations and every person doesn’t fit those at all times, but you get the idea. Children need BOTH€”as knowing you have a safe home base€ waiting for you and watching over you, and knowing you’re free to explore (as you’ve been equipped with the skills) are both really important. But I feel I’m getting ahead of myself. Bean is one. But anyway the idea is you were both parenting in normal ways for men and women.
Meredith
This has happened with me and my husband to a lesser degree. I don’t really hold it in for long and snapped at my husband to be more watchful or to react quicker when our daughter hurts herself. He has tried to work on getting better and I have been trying to work on snapping less
Crystal
Going from husband and wife to parents has proven to be harder sometimes than I ever thought – our little guy is 9 months old so we are just getting the hang of things. We’ve had our moments also and your post has once again given me the ” thank God I’m not the only one” feeling – thank you 🙂
Liss
You always seem to write about what’s on my mind at the time…
My partner and I have similar arguments, except we’re the opposite – I guess my partner would say I take more ‘risks’ with our ten month old, which is to say, I let him do things that he wouldn’t. When these issues come up, this sentence really sums up my feelings –
“I think Chris was embarrassed and hurt and upset that I was questioning any aspect of his parenting because he makes that his number one priority.”
But of course I understand the other side of the fence. Parenting decisions put the hardest strain on our relationship, sometimes. Usually if we ever fight about it, we have some time out, come back and meet in the middle. It’s really important to talk about these things, and I’m starting to learn that now.
Thank you so much for sharing the harder parts of marriage and parenting.
Catherine
I was going to write a ridiculously long comment telling you about an eerily similar fight my husband and I had on Saturday. But then the comment became so long that it was comical and I will instead say that your post hit so close to home for me. I am so guilty of bottling things up and then saying too much when the lid does come off. I am learning, especially as a new parent, that instead of bottling I have to pick my battles. If something’s important enough, I need to discuss it with David when it upsets me. If it’s not important enough to have a conversation about, then I need to drop it and forget it, not hold onto it for future ammo. I can’t say I’m very good at that yet, but I’m getting better at it. And David knows I’m working on it, and I think that matters immensely.
And though I’m sure it doesn’t make you and Chris feel any better about one another right now, Bean is one lucky little fella to have parents who care so passionately about him.
Emilyc
Wow, sounds like you’ve had a rough day! I can’t personally give you any advice because I’ve never been in that situation but I’ve been a devoted reader of your blog for long enough to know that you guys are level headed and will work it out! 🙂 Hang in there! 🙂
Holly
I totally can relate. It is an amazing and instinctual thing to be a mom, just like a mother bear like you said. I am constantly gasping when my daughter is walking with my husband. She falls much more because he is more relaxed. It is such a hard thing when they are learning to be mobile. Should you catch them or let them fall? How much should you follow them? It is so hard and of course every person will parent differently during this time. I watch her walk away from me and my heart is pounding because I am praying that she wont fall down. The thing is that you and Chris love your Bean equally and that is amazing. You are having an argument because of this huge love you both share for your child. You will learn from each other as parents 🙂
melissa
I just want to say that regardless of who was right or wrong, you are such a courageous person to write this post. I can’t imagine how are it must have been to write it and worry about how we would read it. please know that you did an amazing job at being neutral and I hope Chris knows that it did not make him look like a bad father. You can tell that you both really love Bean.
Anyway, I agree with the person above that said apologizing may not be something that you normally do but words can help at times like these. Just a thought.
Ashley
Thank you for trusting us enough to write this. I’m glad you and Chris are working things out, and I am sure this kind of situation is very common in a marriage! Thanks again. I am always touched by how you trust your readers.
Alyssa
In relation to this…I have wondered for a long time and wanted to ask…how is it that you want to/are able to be so honest with readers about such private moments? You wrote in this post that you know you can’t be the only parents with these types of issues, and you are 100% right…and yet, most of us aren’t willing to share these details with anyone besides perhaps our best of friends…fear, shame, embarrassment…it all comes into play.
It’s one of the reasons I love your blog- it’s so ‘human’ and ‘real’…what do your friends/family think of all of your wonderful honesty. Like with this post- are you going to get a deluge of family members calling to ‘help’ or to give you ‘advice’ LOL!
Your blog helps me feel ‘normal’…the ups and downs of life that you face in your marriage and life are similar to mine and to friends of mine. It’s wonderful and I’m so glad to have your blog! I learn so much from it!
Tina
Great post and thanks for sharing such a sensitive part of your life with us. Also I have to say I agree with the above comment from Mindee@ourfrontdoor, asking for forgiveness in these situations can be very good for your marriage especially over the years that will come.
Also I think its a dad thing. My husband was the same way. Its funny because over the few years that we have been parents (we have a 6 and 3 year old, both girls:)) I have become more relaxed when it comes to the kids and he has become more cautious. So perhaps Chris has some more learning to do as Daddy and you have more to do as Mommy…welcome to parenting:) Its such a interesting and fun, but surely difficult journey!
elizabeth
like everyone else—thanks, katie, for sharing.
i was a pediatric nurse for years..have 3 kids of my own (all with some genetic issues)..so for my husband and i..the stress was MEDICAL PROBLEMS. and i feel for ya, kiddo—and for chris. KIDS DONT COME WITH INSTRUCTION MANUALS….AND NEITHER DOES BECOMING A PARENT.
that being said..i totally agree with you. IF something serious was to happen..you cant turn back the clocks. but, katie…chris loves BEAN with all of his ™¥ too.
i missed so much of my kids childhoods..cause i worried frantically about EVERYTHING. now they are grown..and all i remember was the worry and upset and angry words behind closed doors.
guide chris…let go of the hurt and anger..and love BEAN. he is a gift to you and your family…and he is such a lucky wee man to have parents who love him so…
™¥xo™¥
tan@tan/green
A woman I work with is mother to a special needs child age 17 and she revels in my 10 mos old because he is so active and lively and un-fragile. Your msg,like being with her, reminds me to be thankful for such a robust and healthy baby boy. That being said my husband and I are in the midst of negotiating how daring we let our Pumpkin be – and Katie’s right to sum it up as ‘really hard.’ Good to know it is really common too. Katie – thank you for the post and Elizabeth thank you for the comment.
Megan (Best of Fates)
Katie – it definitely always comes across how fair and even minded you are when discussing your disagreements with Chris, and I think you continued that in this post. And though I am, as always, speaking from a place of ignorance, I second Mindee’s suggestion of trying to apologise – often saying it out loud makes it easier to be done with.
Leigh
I am neither a parent, nor married but this post was a tear jerker!! I’m a little curious about how Chris feels about this, but I hope that he also knows his love for Bean is so evident and that’s really what matters in parenting. I am amazed and THANKFUL for your vulnerability, and you are talented at writing fairly about arguments! This post is also a testament of the power of marriage and how it effects every aspect of your life. I learn so much from your blog!
Samantha Dickie
It happens. BUT! At least you are a big enough person to realize what you said was hurtful. You guys are dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and then Bean becomes a mover and a shaker! The thing is to be become a better person for it. I think this will help both of you. At the end of the day, you still love each other, and want the best for Bean. That is what is most important.
Beth
Katie, I always love reading about the fights you and Chris have because I feel like I relate to them and I love the humor you inject, without placing all the blame on Chris. I’m like you – I hold things in, knowing that if I say show my disapproval to my husband about anything really, I’ll be “nagging.” But then, it just builds up until I can’t take it anymore and I sort of explode. And I have no filter. And I can be hurtful. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who does that! It’s something I’m trying to work on, especially that now we have our six month old. Most fights seem to be about her! Keep writing just the way you are. There will always be people who judge you.
Ginger
You’re right when you say you aren’t the only parents who face this, so good for you for speaking about it so eloquently. I would agree with two main things: 1)don’t let things bottle up–those always lead to the worst fights with the harshest, most painful words. It’s just so much better to be able to discuss things calmly rather than have weeks of stress and tongue-biting behind the force of your words. and 2)sometimes apologies do matter. Not for the feeling/idea behind the words, necessarily, but often if only for the words you used. I think if you feel regret about HOW you expressed something, or that you hurt your husband with your choice of words, it’s worth saying your apologies for that.
jules
I’d like to hear Chris’ side of this story. I don’t think it’s fair that we only from you, Katie.
Jayne
I’d like to hear Chris’ side of this story. I don’t think it’s fair that we only hear from you, Katie. You don’t come off objective here at all; as usual, you sound bitchy and anal. I give you guys three years, max. And why I quit reading you after you brow-beat your husband into quitting his dream job and moving back to the ‘burbs. It’s not always all about you.
Katie
Hey, thanks for being so helpful! We’re actually celebrating our 5th anniversary today and just celebrated our 11th year together, so no luck on the 3 year max thing. Also, I’d like to point out that Chris has an entire blog on this website where I don’t “brow beat” him and he is PERMITTED to say anything he wants. I have been begging him (and so have my readers, actually) to post more, but he chooses not to and – GASP! – he makes the decision not to post ON HIS OWN! WITHOUT ME DICTATING! He also reads every post before I publish it and he even helped me write this one. Yeah, that open communication is probably going to KILL our marriage. And for the record, we LEFT the “burbs” and moved BACK TO the city, so there’s that, too.
Hurtful, spiteful, hateful comments are not generally welcomed here. This is a place where I can make mistakes and share them. If you have a problem with that, then you should probably not come back. That’s the great thing about the internet – NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO STAY HERE. Generally, I delete comments like this because I don’t think they foster the environment I want my site to share (though in the entire time I’ve had my site, I’ve only had to delete 4 comments – yours would have been Big #5). But I’m going to leave this comment up because I think you also bring something to the table in MY MARRIAGE (which is what you wanted to do, right? Judge my marriage? Be a part of my marriage?). You remind me that in the end, it really doesn’t matter what someone thinks about my marriage and that judgment has no place here or in my relationships. It’s how Chris and I feel we are doing and even in really dark times and through really hard things, we feel really good about where we are and who is standing beside us.
Sorry if that isn’t objective enough for you.
Alaina
You go, Katie! Good response to just a hateful comment….
Jessica M.
Go Katie!! Apparently she missed the posts you had about what a hard decision is was for you guys to move and what the ultimate motivating factor was… BEAN… Here’s to many many more years of you being married to your best friend and raising Bean in the loving home you have created!
Catherine
Katie, I’m so sorry there are such mean, judgmental strangers out there who take advantage of their anonymity to be so hurtful and non-constructive.
Jordan
As much as you want to defend yourself, you shouldn’t even waste your time replying to ridiculous comments. The bigger your blog gets, the more ‘trolls’ that will find it and try to bring you down. Ignoring it all is the best route to go!
Deb
Katie, I like you even MORE after reading your response!!!
JenD
Go Katie, Go. We have ALL done things in our marriage that make us question our values as well as the values of our partners. Thats what growing in a marriage is all about. Questioning each other’s lives and try to learn from each other. Its not always good or nice and sometimes you are right and sometimes you are wrong BUT you learned and you continue learning. So glad you left this comment up and made the choice to respond to it.
Ella
Katie, i have been following your blog for over a year now and have never felt you come across as bitchy or anal – ever. Obviouly this reader is not a regular so hasnt followed you journey over the past year.
Heather in ND
Wonderfully worded, Katie!! You and Chris have a great relationship… and a lot of us are jealous of that relationship so you keep doin’ what you’re doin’!!
Melissa
AMEN!!!! You tell her, Katie! That comment will only bring you and Chris closer together (although I wish you didn’t have to read that). But it is through that comment that you are able to focus on where your marriage is and what you have overcome. This fight won’t stop you and like you said, you two have great communication. Keep it up! Can’t wait to read your book. 🙂
Rachel
Dude, seriously?? That was just plan rude! Get ’em Katie! I appreciate your posts even more now. It’s nice to see a young woman like yourself striving to be open about her relationship as a wife and a mother. Keep doing the great things you are doing…oh, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!
Jen
I loved this piece..it is nice to know that other parents have the same issues that my husband and I have. I think that you always do a great job of trying to tell both side to any story that you write about that involves you and Chris. Keep up the great work. I love reading your blog…it is something that I look forward to daily.
I hope that you dont take that nasty person’s comment to heart…clearly they are a tool!
Katie
I think that that person clearly has wayyy too much time on their hands. They also must be jealous because you and Chris get along so well. Sure, I doubt everyone agrees with absolutely everything you say, but that’s because everyone has a valid and different opinion. That troll needs to go back into her hole.
Ashley
Interesting that she says she stopped reading, yet she’s managed to read this post. You tell ’em, girl! If people are going to be judgmental, it’s as easy as going to another blog.
courtney
Jayne you are rude and inconsiderate. I cannot imagine that you have kids or a husband, and if you do then your marriage and parenting must be perfect (notice the sarcasm) since you are so quick to judge. I’m just saying . . .
Michaela
Which post of what blog were you reading? and you think Katie sounds bitchy – watch out because that glass house of yours is going to come tumbling down any second.
Leaving nasty, anonymous comments on a blog you ‘stopped reading’ is cowardly, and unnecessarily disrespectful to someone who isn’t just an ‘anonymous voice’ – but who is a real person, working hard to try to share bits of their life, for better or worse.
Katie, it is so brave and wonderful of your to share arguments you have where there are two sides. There’s got to be a lot of ‘Chris’s’ reading this, who agree with his style more- but that isn’t the point. The point is that you’re talking about the way in which you meld different styles of parenting, and come out stronger. It’s not about who is right in a particular argument – but the fact you do argue, and work through differences – which is one of the great things about your blog. (Although for the record, I’d totally be with you!)
I am not a parent – but even in this post, reading about how you can bottle things up, and then feel like you’re being the ‘grown up’ – I completely relate to! and I think if by the time my partner and I come to having kids we remain as sensible and communicative as you guys we’ll be so lucky.
Tina
Wow, for someone who apparently quite reading the blog…they sure have lots to say!
GO Katie, for replying to such a rude and ignorant comment and not just deleting it like you could have!
Kathleen
Katie-
Jayne’s is a deleter. Get this comment outa here! Tell judgy- judgerstein to take her toys and go home.
pam-tastic
Katie…great writing! My husband and I have been married less than two yrs, but I have to daughters and he has two sons and our parenting styles are “different” to say the least. We’re like on opposite sides of the spectrum on sooo many things. But you know what? That’s ok…we’ll figure out what’s best. The main thing I have learned (and noted in your story) is that you can’t “stuff it”. You can’t let something go on so often that it just festers inside of you so that when you’ve finally had enough, you EXPLODE! That is bad, bad, BAD! You’ve got to talk about much sooner and at a time of non-conflict…not right after it has happened, but later in the evening after Bean has gone to bed. Trust me…TRUST ME on this one…I KNOW! Get it out there quicker and work it out… *HUGS* to you both!
ps…both of you having a glass of wine before/while you discuss it won’t hurt either 🙂
Lissa
Excellent post….seriously….And yes, fights where we challenge the self-esteem of our partners are pretty brutal. Can’t think of any marriages where we haven’t all been there/done that. But you expressed the feelings so well. Thanks
Abby @ They Lend Me Their Hearts
Oh man has that mother bear come out to play quite a few times in the last 7.5 years! That is THE hardest part about parenting with someone, when you disagree on really important issues. There are times when I’ve wondered if it is easier in that respect on parents who are not together, but those important issues only get harder to come to a conclusion when you’re working them out with someone you’re not in a relationship with.
My thoughts based on my personal experiences, stand up for the things you feel are really important, but getting aggressive only makes them fight back harder.
I’m sure things will be all patched up and smoothed over soon.
Jenny
Sadly, this sounds so familiar! My husband and I had the same argument when our little guy was about Bean’s age. He would tell me “It’s just a low altitude fall. If he gets hurt, it won’t be that bad and he’ll learn for the next time.” Made me want to pull my hair out and I felt stressed out and worried all the time. Here’s some good news for you though… my little man is coming up on 3 now and survived it all and so did my husband, me and our marriage. Hang in there and remember that this too will be just a phase in Bean’s life. You and Chris are doing a great job- just keep working hard at it, forgiving each other and yourselves, and remember how much you love each other and Bean.
Jessica @ How Sweet It Is
We rarely apologize after fighting either. Not sure if its our stubborn nature or our way to let it go…
Deb
Thanks for sharing this difficult fight with us. I am more like Chris when it comes to things. And coming from more of his standpoint, I would eventually appreciate the things you pointed out. We have our 1st baby due in July (next month!!!) and if I were doing something that caused him to worry, I would definitely want to know. Being married I know these things don’t always come out the way we mean, but nevertheless, it’s better they come out than not at all. How can we work on something if we bottle it? This is an example of a healthy, real marriage in progress!
Sarah D.
Love this post, Katie. Thanks for being so honest. As a mother of 3 year old twin boys, I can completely related. My husband and I just had a fight this past weekend about a very similar topic. He always leans toward the more laid back, “let them learn” attitude, while I want to provide more guidance and structure. And of course I always think I am right. 🙂 It is such a learning process and if you didn’t fight about it, you wouldn’t learn and grow.
Lee Ann
Thank you for this post. I am learning from you how to analyze my feelings and how best to act and react based on those feelings. I don’t have children, but understanding one’s own issues helps in every situation. Happy Anniversary!
tessabella76
Great post! My husband and I aren’t parents yet but already with our pets, I can see that he is the push-over and is more laid back. I have feeling I’m going to have to be the “bad cop” by default. But kids need balance and sometimes parents need to (constructively) argue about how to achieve that balance.
Janet
Having been married for about almost fifteen years now, I recommend what Mindee says about admitting when one is wrong and requesting forgiveness. There is something about these words that promote healing in a relationship. My DH and I have had our moments, like any other couple. When we ask for forgiveness from each other, the relationship becomes stronger. When we have not done this, it makes hard work to restore the balance.
Caitlin
There is absolutely something about being a mom that changes you. You have a responsibility to a person you created who can’t speak for himself. While it sounds like you realized there was a better way to approach the conversation with Chris, don’t feel bad for standing up for Bean. You’d have hated yourself if something bad happened and you hadn’t spoken up. Being a parent is a learn on the job kind of gig, but so is being a wife. Even five years in, you’re entitled to make mistakes and there is no better reason in the world to make a mistake than to protect your child.
Erin
Katie –
I have to say it was a beautiful post (and response to the jerky comment). I am not a parent yet (hopefully soon though) and am sure I will get into similar disagreements. I find myself to be like you, hold in and then lash out when it becomes too much. I dislike confrontation so I avoid it when I can.
You did a good job at keeping it as unbiased as anyone could, and I love that Chris reads and approves each post. It’s a fair thing to do, I know many people who would not be so considerate.
Kudos to you.
PS. I agree…say the words of an apology, don’t let it hang out there.
courtney
The reason I love reading your blog is that I can relate. My husband and I are currently fighting about discipline. My son is 32 months and has hit what I have to admit is a bratty streak. He stomps and yells when he wants something and has started talking back (I thought this wouldn’t happen until he was at least 13). Needless to say, while I consider myself pretty laid back, I won’t tolerate brattiness. Sorry bud, it ain’t happenin’. My husband has a wonderful approach – it’s called ignore it/him until he annoys the heck out of you and then (dependent upon your mood) do one of two things (1) give him what he wants or (2) give him a lecture (as if my child really cares). I prefer to deal with the problem calmly and before it escalates so I can nip it in the bud. Unfortunately, this has led to some big fights. Consistent discipline is important to me from both parents, and I don’t want to carry all of the disciplining decisions. I also tend to say things that are harsh, and while my point is made I always regret it. A couple things I have done (1) I pray for wisdom when I speak and (2) while I don’t apologize for making my point I do apologize for saying hurtful things. Hopefully, this helps. Hang in there you’re always going to have fights and it takes time to learn to work as a time. Wow sorry this is so long!
courtney
That should be work as a team not a time.
Sue V.
Thank you for sharing these sorts of fights, and being so honest about your reaction, and how you handled things. I have 4 young children (ages 9,8,6,4) We had this same fight when my 9 year old was just beginning to toddle. It’s very hard (especially as THE Mom) to watch Dad let things happen. It does get better as the kids get a little older, the bumps are easier to stomach. I love that you agreed to get past the fight, communication is what it is all about.
Kat
Katie- as always, thanks for sharing something so personal! I cannot believe that one comment above! WOW! I read your blog ALL THE TIME and I have always thought that you have a way of writing about fights in marriage without being mean or pointing a finger (something I myself don’t think I could do and therefore I don’t write about it). I’m glad that you feel comfortable enough to share your true feelings/thoughts/events with so many readers and I hope you continue despite those rude, judgmental comments.
Jennifer
Congrats on 5 years! I love how the two of you can be so open with each other. Apologies and forgivness are necessary for a healthy marriage, but that doesnt mean you have to “give in” to each other. There have been times when my husband and I agree to disagree and we move on. Honestly I have a hard time with that but I’m learning. I love your blog and I love the fact that yall are honest with yourselves and your readers (even when theres a troll)…it’s not a sugar coated “everything is dandy” blog. It makes me realize that yes there are others out there that go through similar issues. Thanks for being real! I hope this carries over to your book, if so it’ll be a hit!
Leah @ StirredNotShaken
This is a great post. I have been worrying about this issue already and we aren’t even pregnant yet. This really did seem like something I could insert my marriage into. My husband is really laid back about certain things and overly confident in some of his abilities, like driving, doing outdoor activities, etc. and it makes me so nervous. We’ve had a lot of fights where I have just told him “someday you’re going to have a baby in the back of that car whose life is more important than yours!!!”
But I need to have confidence that his fatherly instincts will kick in. And, if I really admit it, our children will probably have more fun with him than with me.
And I’m trying to remember that there’s something fundamentally “womanish” about being protective and you’re right, the other parent does have something to bring to the table. Sometimes maybe we as woman do tend to be too much of “momma bears” and need the father to make us relax a little. And the fathers need us to remind them that the toddler is not one of their “buddies” who can just handle everything that they can! 🙂
I don’t know… I guess I’ll find out when I get there… it’s so hard not to plan my whole life out in advance, though! 🙂
Kt
Thanks for such a great post Katie – you really are a brave person for opening up about these parts of your & Chris’ lives. I wholeheartedly appreciate your honesty about the struggles of marriage – I just moved in with my fiance and we’re transitioning from a long distance relationship to a “see each other every day” relationship. While it is WONDERFUL to have so much time together & do normal things, it is an adjustment and its hard to share that when everyone is always assuming that now all of our issues are solved since we finally live in the same place. Bah, everyone has arguments 🙂 I do appreciate your encouragement to Chris to share in the Man Cave as well – it’s helpful to hear the husband’s perspective sometimes, though I do think you are pretty fair in your descriptions!
Kristen
I’ve been reading (quietly though) for the past few months and these posts are what I love most (well in addition to the cute baby pics!). As someone who is getting married in NINE DAYS (!) but has lived with her fiance for 2 years and dated for 4, it is so refreshing and validating to hear that relationships don’t always come easily. It doesn’t matter how many times my parents may reiterate that, but hearing it from another couple always helps. And it is nice and reassuring to know that every couple has differences of opinion to navigate, and that they CAN be navigated!I think you did a great job of accepting some of the blame and admitting that you need to work on you, and it isn’t just about Chris. After some bumps in our road, I think we’ve begun to do a much better job at that, of realizing that usually when we fight it is about both of us and not just one of us, and our relationship has become better because of it. Kudos to you for being transparent. We need more people willing to show the honesty of marriage and parenting, and not the perfect, fairy-tale facade that they think we WANT to see.
El
Katie –
Great post. My husband and I having been going through the same things for the last few months, our little man is 18 months old. I am defintely more protective than my husband, even though we both are pretty laid back. We have had the same fight as you and Chris. I snapped at my husband pretty bad one day after biting my tongue for a while. We wound up having a productive discussion about it the next day, but it wasn’t a pretty fight. I didn’t apologize for what I was saying, but I did apologize for how I said it as my hubby didn’t deserve to get snapped at. That made it easier for us to move on. It works for us, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I am trying to work on speaking up sooner before I lose my temper, so we are in the same boat. I think you are doing a great job with your marriage and Bean. Just keep those communication lines open between you and Chris, and you will be able to get through whatever life throws at you together. My husband and I have been married for 5 years also, and been together for 10.5. Good luck and best wishes 🙂
Kendra
Katie… thank you so much for sharing this argument with all of us. While I am not a parent I see my friends and family struggle with the same thing. In fact, my husband and I struggle with this type of issue with our pets, with household duties, etc. I love how when I read your posts I can feel myself right there with you in the situation. So real.
I’m going to have to agree with Mindee (and others) that apologies are a good way to clear the slate and start fresh. Everyone is different though and if you two aren’t ones for apologies I’m sure you have another way to say “sorry”.
VickSteed
As a stay at home Dad, I like to call those little incidents “life lessons.”
Mommy, Esq.
I need to read through the comments but I wanted to say that this is the same babyproofing argument I had with my husband. He thought – let’s keep them safe by keeping them in ONE room (the playroom) and never letting them out. But that isn’t realistic when they are walking and screaming when locked in the playroom. I wanted to have someone babyproof our house (if we weren’t going to do it). After MUCH, MUCH nagging I did have someone come in (it was cheap) and while we still have 2 problem areas it is so much safer that we can run upstairs or into a closed off room for a few minutes without worrying about them. We do have a couple of items like the cat food and the trashcan that they had to get into a few times before they learned but once Bean is about 15 months he will learn, I swear. The other area for fighting (besides money) is chores – how are you doing on that front? Do you feel like more is falling to you because he has a “job” even though you are writing a book and taking care of Bean full-time? You may want to look into local babysitters because as Bean gets more mobile and drops his morning nap you may need a few hours of childcare a day so you can work on your writing.
Amy
Katie,
I found your website 6 months ago. I am in a relationship (not married yet) and want kids and “older” (34.) If this post was a teaser to what your book will be, I will buy it. Your writing is incredible and the way you can describe both sides makes this a really informative blog. Good luck with the book and keep on writing! 🙂
Life of a Doctor's Wife
I can see how this was a hard thing to talk about, and I’m so glad you shared it. It is such a good reminder that a) marriages DO include fighting, even really good, really strong marriages and b) that there is always going to be something to adjust to when you meld two totally different people into one family.
I love your honesty and I think you came across as very objective and fair – and loving, too.
After you and Chris have a big fight, do you go back and talk about what caused it? I mean, will you try and discuss what set you off now that the blow-up is over and see if you can reach a neutral ground?
Just curious about how you resolve the issues that led to a fight – or if the fight is enough.
Charlie (girl)
Ok i don’t want this to come off as mean or inconsiderate so I am going to preface with please don’t take it that way!
As someone who has been together for 10 years and has a 6 1/2 year old son – you will need to get this particular issue in check soon. you are exactly where my husband and i were when we started having HUGE arguments/disagreements on how to raise/discipline our son. It doesn’t get easier until you have one helluva talk! Unfortunately my husband had never been around a lot of kids and i had – so most of the time he turned to me for advise and i became the one with all the knowledge and all the answers – in fact i got this a lot – “you are the mom”, and then when he would question me — oohhh….it killed! OMG was he doubting me?!?
ANYWAYS – just saying get this in check soon or you will have at least a year of this to go! BTW – we went through it again when little man started school – he was only 4 when he started and was immature and all – the teacher was fabulous and patient but he got in trouble quite a bit the first year and we had to figure out again a way to deal with it together! God help us when he becomes a teenager – we are so screwed! LOL
We have said from day one with us as parents the child doesn’t stand a chance! well in spite of us as parents he is amazing! about to start 2nd grade (a wicked smart kid – excelling in school at a 4th grade reading level, and he loves math), learning piano, karate, gymnastics, soccer – just very well rounded in what he wants to know and learn – and he is a heck of a cub scout!! Ok i am threw bragging!! LOL
Good luck and BTW i thought your post was very neutral – i saw no fingers pointing at one of you more than the other – it was just honest – and that is so refreshing and why I love this blog so much!
Leslie
Thanks so much for sharing. It’s so nice to read about your honest perspective on marriage as there are way too many fakers out there that like to pretend they have perfect relationships. I really appreciate that about your blog. And I’m glad you ripped the nasty anonymous commenter a new one! She/He deserved it. You are doing a great job!!
cathy
Katie,
Hang in there. You and Chris are doing a good job.
Cathy
Chris
Katie,
Setting aside the parental fight portion of the post, your discussion on protecting Bean reminded me of a great book that my wife and I read (and reread) when our kids were infants. “On Becoming Babywise” (Gary Ezzo, Robert Bucknam) influenced our parenting style immensely. One part of the book talks about “parenting within the funnel”. Basically, they recommend that, when a child is an infant, their ability to do much of anything safely is limited, so the “permission” a parent gives them to “do anything” should also be limited (that’s the narrow end of the funnel). As the child ages and their physical abilities AND their mental / emotional ability to make good decisions grows, their “permission” grows as well. (the funnel is getting wider). This applies to safety (no, my 2-year-old child, you may not climb on top of the chest-of-drawers) as well as acceptable behavior (no, child, you may not bang Grandpa’s TV remote on his glass-topped coffee table while screaming at the top of your lungs).
Anyway, it’s a good read. Oh, and Babywise is followed up by Toddlerwise, Childwise, etc. We’re getting into Pre-TeenWise now; Lord help us!!
Casper
I don’t have kids, yet, hopefully soon. I think what stood out in your post most to me was this line “the fact that this was an issue with my son seemed to trump that.” My husband and I often have discussions about how we want to parent and I often find myself saying MY kids. That is the thing though it really is “our” kids. I try to avoid saying “my” because it make the words sound so much harsher.
You guys are doing great and nothing and no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and say things we wish we could take back. It is just seeing that we made a mistake and learning from it.
Thanks for sharing.
Jen
I am married 10 years yesterday. We have two boys, 3 and 2. Kids rock the boat, no doubt in that. Some days are hard but most days are rewarding. I saw a completely different side of my hubby when the babies came along, and he of me. Our roles are a bit different, he is over protective and I just protective. I guess my husband is you and I am Chris but with the motherly instinct thrown in there as well…talk about a recipe for fights about parenting, geesh. In the last year I have learned one big thing…CHOOSE TO LOVE. EVERYDAY. NOt to say that you two do not love each other, it is clear through your writing that you do, but sometimes the choice to love comes in different forms: with an apology for words that came out wrong for example. I remember when my first born was just a week over 1 and rolled himself off the changing table while I was standing there! I felt like crap already. My husband took no in time at all to make sure I knew it happened while on my watch! NOT.A. GOOD.FEELING. My point is, we were not people who chose to apologize either and all those years of not apologizing for arguements really caught up with us. Today, as I am 10 years “marriage wiser”…today, I say I am sorry, sometimes for my actions, sometimes for my words and sometimes it is just to ease the pain in his or my heart. I only suggest to you to (as hard as it may be, especially in the moment) to try to make practice of choosing love everyday…in choosing to apologize.
That’s all.
No more preachy preachy.
Except to that lunatic with the nasty comment. Whatev! Go back inside your glass house and spend some more time cleaning the windows, obviously you don’t see the world clearly.
Caitlin Brown
Katie,
You are so wonderful to share these things with us. I hope all of these supportive comments about such a tough post to write outweigh that one, awful, ignorant comment from someone who clearly has too much time on their hands, AND I commend you for having the guts to fight back instead of letting her insult you and your marriage. It’s easy to see how special your relationship is with Chris even just by your posts, and I want you to know, that if anything, you two have just made me have more faith in marriage. I know things will get easier with time <3
I can’t wait to read more 🙂
Kristen
This also just reminded me of a really funny story about how my fiance was raised. His dad very proactively exposed him to the whole “learn from experience” type of knowledge. As a young teen, his dad basically said “Hey son, do you want to know what alcohol tastes like? Try this Everclear! Curious about tobacco? Here is some chew!” Needless to say, suddenly alcohol didn’t look so glamorous anymore and he wondered why people even drank the stuff! I, on the other hand, was so sheltered from these things that I was afraid to even try them! So I can see where our parenting styles are going to differ, neither is wrong, both can have some valuable results, and it is a matter of finding a balance. I think too that these things come from how guys feel a son should be raised vs. a daughter. My future father-in-law was a lot more protective of his daughter, and a lot more willing to let his son get into scrapes to learn from them.
Note: I think Bean is a little young to be exposed to Everclear, so totally not my point. But sure could help with the teething 😉
Katie
Hahhaha! It would help…probably not so good overall though 😉
Tressa
Thanks for sharing Katie!
Big hugs to you, Chris and Beanie!
I love you all 😉
Kristen Boysen
I LOVE your blog. THanks for sharing and being so honest!
Kristen Boysen
oops, my real blog address
Diana
Happy Anniversary to you and Chris! I love your blog and appreciate your openness and honesty.
Tenesse
Reading this reminded me of my marriage, I totally understand you – and your husband, it’s hard to agree on the slightest variations in parenting.
Shannon
Katie – great comeback to that very rude comment. I mean, obviously the person has issues, because she couldn’t even log into the right profile! Did you notice she has two different names there? LOL Wow, some people!
Seriously, great post. I think it was very neutral and it makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one who bottles things up and then lets my husband know about all of them at once. 🙂
Krista
Thanks for keeping it real Katie, it was a great post, and something I think a lot of first time parents deal with. You were brutally honest on where you went wrong with the arguement. I agree with one of the above comments though about saying you are sorry, I always try to realize how I made my husband feel and apologize for my hurtful words. Neither one of us is usually sorry for the fight, because fights clear the air, but we all say things we wish we could take back. It’s fair of you to want to protect bean and to ask Chris to be careful. You are Bean’s mommy and that’s your job. Daddy’s tend to be more playful, but they need to remember the age they are dealing with.
Hang in there you are doing great!
Keshet
I love these types of posts, even though I know they must be hard to write. It’s so nice to know that every marriage has its ugly moments–I don’t think people going in realize that enough.
Kim
I thought the finance arguments were hard, then we had kids. It’s funny my husband and I don’t have big heated arguments that much. We definitely disagree. We’re opposite of you though, he’s much more protective than me. I think we even each out though. I know if he weren’t there I’d be way more protective. That aspect of stuff has gotten harder now that the hurts are emotional instead of physical. I have two girls 8 and 10. Wow the girl drama. Anyway-we don’t always see eye to eye. We do both agree that our marriage is the number one priorty. When we are having trouble agreeing on parenting we work hard to figure out a way. It’s certainly a process. You’re doing great. Congratulations on your anniversary.
Christina
So many people have already said…well, all of it. We all have those moments where we realize,”Whoa! We are two people, on this mission together, but TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE!” It’s such a hard thing, marriage, especially when you throw another little person (or many!) into the picture. And there is this mystery, right? of two becoming one. It’s beautiful and scary, it hurts and then it heals. I think it’s amazing that you and Chris have decided together to share your experiences, from whatever perspective, with others. When we’re honest about where we are in our lives, hopefully others can be helped, too. (I speak from very recent experience here.)
Also, Mindee is so very wise. Those are good words she left.
And finally, Happy Anniversary! Celebrate big, remembering and looking forward!!
Ginny
To Jayne (the troll),
As Katie’s sister, I am usually one of Kate’s harshest critiques. When she calls to vent about an argument Chris & she has had, I’m usually very quick to tell her if she’s being a ‘bitch or anal’ (as you so eloquently put it). From time to time, like ALL of us, she may have been one or both of those things – though, for the record, I think she’s completely justified in this instance. But, unlike most of us, Katie has the ability to humble herself, not only to Chris, but to the whole freakin’ world via this blog to grow and learn from her mistakes in hopes that others can learn something. (Which, I might I add, is much more than your gutless self can claim considering you used a fake name and email to pass judgment on a person and marriage you so obviously know NOTHING about.)
So, let me just tell YOU something about MY sister. If you think for a second that you or anyone else here in cyberspace could come close to understanding the sacrifices Katie has made for her baby and husband then you have to be even more delusional than your spiteful, unwarranted comment suggests. However, you won’t read about any of those sacrifices here on this blog because Katie would never reference those decisions as €˜sacrifices’. That’s just the selfless, graceful person that she is and I, for one, hope to resemble her in any small way.
As a newly wed myself, I come here for a daily dose of laughter and humility on building a marriage that withstands the test of time, statistics and hateful people like you. Katie is a brilliant, loving wife and mother trying to be the best person she can be and blessing us with her humor and honesty along that journey. If you have a problem with THAT Katie, then you can kindly take your cynical, toxic self elsewhere in cyberspace. I can assure you that you won’t be missed around here.
All the best,
Ginny (Katie’s bitchy, anal sister)
Gin
Ginny, you make me proud to share a name with you.
Katie, thank you so much for this post. I love coming to your blog because it is so honest! You aren’t afraid to tell it like it is, but you do it so fairly. You admit you are wrong, but also point out that your side had validity, arguments usually do take two people. I never go away from a post feeling like you are trying to paint yourself in the best light possible like many other bloggers do. But, you are also never self-deprecatory to the point being annoying either. You make me both excited and terrified to get married someday!
Vanessa
Dear Ginny:
Hi! would you be my sister? pleaaaaase!!!!!!!!!!
Ashley
Go Ginny, go!
Jen
Yeah Ginny!! Spoking like someone who actually knows what she is talking about. Love that you are open and honest just like your sister.
Love you both!
Hilary
Oh, man! I know exactly how you feel! I have always prided myself on being a cool, laid back, independent wife. My husband and I have a joint bank account for bills, which we both contribute to in equal amounts and then the rest of our money goes into separate checking/savings accounts. This way I don’t nag him about what he buys and I don’t feel that I have to justify what I buy. When he wants to have a guys’ night, I smile, say “Why not? Have fun!” and watch the kids. When he wants to go see the latest superhero movie, I am at his side. I am an awesome wife. We agree on exactly how we want to raise our kids and we’ve learned to compromise when necessary. BUT like Chris, my husband believes that our daughter should learn by doing, so when she was jumping on the bed the other day and he left the room, I almost lost it. Do we let her jump on the bed? Yes, but one of us has always been right next to her or so I thought. He asked what the big deal was, she had fallen off before (um, EXCUSE ME??) and she was fine. He also has an iPhone that he can attach to the stereo and watch videos in the car. I explained that if I ever caught him doing this, I would destroy his iPhone. WE are the mothers. WE carried that life inside of us and protected it with everything we had for nine months. WE gave up alcohol, caffeine, sushi, cold cuts and a decent night’s sleep for this precious being as well as the ability to live without worrying every second. Our husbands, as wonderful as they are, can NEVER understand our need to protect our children. Does that mean they’re bad parents? Of course not. I can understand the argument that children need to be free to make mistakes and learn from them but physical safety is different. I don’t have the answer, but I just want you to know I am right there with you. Oh and congrats on your anniversary! Today is our anniversary as well. We’ve also been married five years! It’s not always perfect, but I couldn’t imagine going through any of this without my husband. I’m sure you feel the same.
Katherine
Katie, I’m not married, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year but I’m an avid reader of your blog. Reading what you write makes me realise that we’re an ordinary couple because we *do* fight. No-one talks about the hard parts of a relationship – they just talk about the good parts. People need to realise that you have to work at a relationship and it doesn’t just happen. This is what I love about your blog – you aren’t afraid to tell the truth – you and Chris fight and you both know that that doesn’t make you any less of a couple. I’m nowhere near having children yet but I hope when I become a parent that I can do it half as well as you and Chris have. I hope that you had a lovely anniversary.
Emma
As a mother of an 11 month old and a wife for 5 years I completely agree with you. Parenting styles will differ but as long as you two work together and put your love for each other and your child first you will be successfull in both love and marriage!
Alyssa
Oh Katie I’m sorry about the fight. Parenting styles are so personal, it’s so hard. It’s like someone insulting our driving, only worse!!!
I think most of the women you talk to would say the same thing…dads are dangerous! I feel myself holding back the gasp every time hubby is playing with Drew bug. Though it was me who let him fall down the stairs and he had to go get a CT at the hospital. So don’t come down on Chris too hard now the day Bean does get hurt you’ll never live it down if it is on your watch.
Remember you’re all learning how this family dynamic works. You’ll get through it! Maybe pour yourself into your writing when Chris is with Bean so you can’t see what’s going on 😉
Erica
Hello! This is my first time commenting on your blog (and my first time reading :D) I am NOT married or a mom, but I can relate to the basis of an argument like this–two people coming at an issue from two different angles, with an equally valid emphasis on two aspects of the issue. I have a bf of 2 1/2 years, and we often find we are not even arguing about the same thing (after much hairpulling & hurt feelings). The hope is to one day be able to argue like a grown up and not blow up the relationship with emotional C-4. I’m glad to see things are getting back to normal for you and your hubby, and I’ll keep reading! 😀