Flashbacks,  Marriage Confessions,  Out and About,  Travel,  Weddings

Honeymooners and Amazon Women

July 27, 2010 /

I’ve been working on the first few chapters of my book as part of my book proposal and it has brought back some really fun memories from the early years of my marriage, including this story from my honeymoon!

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Unlike our wedding day, the honeymoon seemed to last forever.  We spent the entire time on the beaches of St. Maartin in the Caribbean, some days only moving when we walked out to the water for a dip.  We did venture out one evening on a sunset booze cruise around the island.  There were a lot of college kids partying it up on the main deck of the boat, so Chris and I went up to the second level where the boat captain was perched not far away.  We struck up a conversation with him about a life as a boat captain.  He said he was from Seattle, but spent his summers down in the islands giving charter cruises to honeymooners.

What you guys really need to do,€ he told us, is have one of the locals take you to the strip beach.€

What’s that?€ I asked.

Its this small beach only accessible by boat.  Not too many tourists know about it, so you have to find a local with a boat who can take you out there.€

The next day as we took a lunch break from sitting on the beach, we asked our waiter who was a local boy about eighteen years old if he knew about the strip of beach the captain had mentioned.  He knew right away what we were talking about and told us about a dock we could get to by taxi.

You take a cab there and a boat will meet you,€ he said in his heavy island accent.

So we left the restaurant and caught a cab to where the boy had described.

It was in the middle of nowhere. I mean, nowhere. There were sand dunes and seashells and that was about it.

Oh, and there was a little dock.  A tiny, little dock that looked like it might fall into the ocean if someone stepped on it.  Cautiously, Chris paid the cab driver, who laughed at the horrified looks on our faces and drove away.

LEAVING US STANDING ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

This is how stupid Americans end up on the news back home, you know,€ I told Chris.

But before he could respond, we both looked out to the water as the sound of a small boat drifted up to us on the dock.  Inside the boat was a little boy.

Seriously.  He was, like, ten.

When he docked his boat, he didn’t even ask us where we wanted to go.

Twenty-five dollars,€ was all he said.

Chris groaned and started to complain, but I shot him one of those looks.  Those looks that say, Don’t piss off the only person who knows we are alive at the moment.€

We carefully stepped into his boat and attempted to tell him where we wanted to go, but he had already started moving away from the dock and it was obvious that this boat had only one destination.

Fifteen minutes later, as we turned a corner into a small lagoon, I actually gasped out loud at what I saw.

There it was.  A strip of beach, just like the captain had said.

It was nestled along this small island about half a mile off the coast of one of the most popular beaches on St. Maartin.  This beach had no tourists on it.  In fact, it didn’t have much of anything on it.  There was a small little cabana with an old refrigerator, an old grill, and an even older bar tender.  There were also about ten large, covered beach lounges that were available for rent at the cabana house.  And that was it.  No restaurant.  No bathroom.  No hotels.  And no tourists.  It was just us.

And about fifteen women.

Fifteen strikingly beautiful women.

Fifteen abnormally tall, thin strikingly beautiful women.

Fifteen naked abnormally tall, thin strikingly beautiful women.

Aw, crap…

Chris’ mouth dropped to the beach sand as he realized who our beach neighbors were.

Thththose women aren’t wearing any clclclothes€ he stuttered.  Like an idiot.  Like an idiot who was on his honeymoon with his brand spankin’ new wife.

Oh, really?  I hadn’t noticed because my eyes were blinded by the sun bouncing off of their INCREDIBLY LARGE BOOBS.€

As Chris and I settled into our rented beach loungers, I did anything I could think of to avoid having to take off my bathing suit cover up in front of these Amazon beauty queens WHO WERE NOW FROLICKING IN THE WATER TOGETHER.

Perfect.  Just what every newlywedded woman wants to see on her honeymoon.  Perfect specimens of the female sex frolicking naked in the water in front of her new husband.

Finally, I stripped down to my bikini and quickly jumped into my chair to hide under my ridiculous over-sized sunhat and over-sized sunglasses.  Not that it mattered.  I could have shot off flares on that island and Chris wouldn’t have even noticed.  He would have continued to sit there in his beach chair, reading his magazine.€  Upside down.  And in French.

Typical.

After an hour of baking in the hot sun, I decided to jump in the water for a little bit.  Chris and I swam out to a close sand bar and sat down, burying our feet in the sand and enjoying the cool ocean water lapping around us.

Sodo you wanna go skinny dipping?€ I laughed.

No!€ he responded, completely serious.

Oh, come on!  Why not?  Those women don’t care!  Look at them!€

Chris looked back in time to see one of the Amazons rise up off her beach chair and shake out her towel before laying back down on her stomach, leaving her perfectly round cheeks glowing in the sunshine.

No,€ Chris said.  Definitely not.€

You’re such a wimp.€

No, I’m not.  I just don’t want to get sunburned.  Can you think of anything worse than burning youryou know on your HONEYMOON?€

Hmmm.€ I thought for a minute.  I guess not.  Better keep your pants on.€

That’s what I thought.€

And I giggled at how easily Chris and I could slip between talking as husband and wife on a romantic honeymoon and talking as best friends who were concerned about sun burning their nether regions.

We stayed on the beach for the rest of the afternoon, alternating between our beach loungers and the sand bar and drinking Mai Tais.  Later as the sun was just starting to lower, our tiny adolescent boat captain came puttering into the lagoon again.  We jumped on-board and caught the most beautiful sunset on our way back to our tourist-filled resort where everyone wore some sort of clothing and all could be right in my world again.

The rest of our honeymoon went by like a dream.  The weather was beautiful the whole trip, but on our last full day the heavens opened up and poured rain all day long.  Chris and I splashed through the rain and puddles up to the small grocery store on the resort property, where we bought two six packs of Caribbean beer and a big bag of pretzels.

We spent the rest of the day in our hotel room, drinking beer, eating pretzels, and watching The Price is Right.  I remember thinking as Chris yelled the price of a tube of toothpaste at the television that this is what I hoped it would be like when we were 80.

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41 Comments

  • Jenny J.

    July 27, 2010 at 9:31 am Reply

    You are such a talented writer, I felt like I was there in St. Maartin soaking up the sun! It also makes me glad we decided to get married in December and to have our honeymoon at a B&B in MI, no naked locals there!

  • Michelle

    July 27, 2010 at 9:44 am Reply

    I totally didn’t see that coming! You have a wonderful writing style where you ‘unfold’ the story in perfect timing. Seriously, I am still giggling about the naked women!!! My husband would have been doing the same thing. Upside down in a different language. Priceless moment!!!! 🙂

  • Jen at Cabin Fever

    July 27, 2010 at 9:53 am Reply

    Ha! That is great. And what I find even better is that you two eventually were completely comfortable around all those gorgeous naked women rather than fighting about him staring like so many other people would have I’m sure.

    And I have a strong feeling that is exactly what you two will be like when you are 80. Just minus the beer and plus gingerale.


    Cabin Fever in Vermont

  • Katina

    July 27, 2010 at 9:56 am Reply

    The only thing I can think of that would one-up your “sunburning your nether regions” actually happened to my husband on our Honeymoon trip to Jamaica. Swimming in the waters off Montego Bay, my hubby suddenly stood very, very still and his sunburned cheeks paled slightly. He then uttered, “We gotta go to the room.” Turns out, a small jellyfish had somehow gotten up his swim trunks and stung him square on the beans. It was hard not to giggle as he stripped naked and lay spread-eagle on our bed with the AC on full blast. 🙂

  • Kelly H

    July 27, 2010 at 10:06 am Reply

    I love that story! I cannot wait for your book. Congrats on getting the proposal done. Keep us posted with the progress!

  • Alaina

    July 27, 2010 at 10:38 am Reply

    Awesome story! That’s hilarious what happened to you guys…I don’t think that will be happening with T and I when we go to Ireland…just a hunch. I can’t wait to read the rest of your book!

  • Stephanie

    July 27, 2010 at 10:46 am Reply

    that’s too funny! I love the fact that reading your story made me think of the funny moments from my honeymoon. Moments like that are worth remembering for a lifetime!

  • Sarah H.

    July 27, 2010 at 10:47 am Reply

    OK so thtis line–> Can you think of anything worse than burning youryou know on your HONEYMOON?€
    ..well I took a drink of water while reading and had yet to swallow it when I read this little line—of course the thought of all this was just so funny that I never did swallow my water, it ended up all over my clothes and my desk!

  • Jordan

    July 27, 2010 at 11:23 am Reply

    Fun. We went to St. Maarten for our honeymoon as well. It’s pretty, but if you want to do anything besides sit on the beach all day it cost tonsss of money (as you found out even with your little boy boat driver). Glad you guys had a great time.

  • Jordy

    July 27, 2010 at 12:11 pm Reply

    I love it…. I knew where this was heading. 🙂

    On our honeymoon just a few months ago, we spent one evening watching an hour long special on the Discovery channel. I remember thinking that it was perfect.

  • Katie

    July 27, 2010 at 12:44 pm Reply

    I can’t wait to read your book! You have some real talent.

    As soon as you said “Strip Beach” I was thinking there would be nudity involved. You’re a better wife than me to handle it how you did, I would have probably cried and wanted to go home! Ha!

  • Nikki

    July 27, 2010 at 4:53 pm Reply

    Don’t tell anyone, but I like to break up the day by reading your blog at work. It was so hard for me to not burst out laughing at this post! I love it. I’ve already planned on buying bunches of copies to give out as Christmas/Birthday/Whatever else I can think of presents!

  • Carrie T

    July 27, 2010 at 5:11 pm Reply

    I’m just happy Chris tired to act like he wasn’t watching them cause my hubby would have been the creepy perv those girls now talk about who kept staring at them.

  • Sonja

    July 27, 2010 at 6:09 pm Reply

    My husband told me, after I read this to him, that the honeymoon gods must hate him. All he got was almost drowned (by me) while snorkeling in Hawaii. (Hey, I warned him I couldn’t swim and was scared of water.)

  • Meghan

    July 28, 2010 at 8:52 am Reply

    OMG, Katie, I was laughing so hard when I read this!! My husband and I honeymooned on St. Maarten, too 🙂 Reading this brought back the memories I have of the first time we wandered onto the “naked beach” (I don’t remember the name of it off the top of my head; it was on the French side of the island). I was…well, not embarrassed, but extremely self-conscious. How could I strip down – with my obviously American tan lines and little tummy pooch I was desperately hiding with a tankini – when I was surrounded by tons of gorgeous, naked women? And I was also a little furious at the hubby, who was “reading” his book upside-down and a little low, so he could sneak peeks over the top of the book.

    But. It ended up being the most fun we had the whole honeymoon. We even went back for another day 🙂

    Loved your post and I can’t wait until the book comes out!! Good luck with the proposal!

  • Renee

    July 30, 2010 at 9:59 am Reply

    I can’t wait to read your book! And, I love that you were willing to go skinny dipping, even if Chris wasn’t. I don’t think I could ever do that in broad daylight. My husband thinks I’m crazy for having gone skinny dipping at night when I was younger at my grandma’s cottage.

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