Toddler Meltdown or Demonic Possession?
Throughout all the transitions and changes our family has been going through these past few weeks, I have worried and worried and worried over little Bean Bean. I worried because he didn’t seem to notice anything was going on (is he mentally able to process change?!?!). I worried when he cried before I put him to bed at night (was he scared in his new bedroom?!?!). I worried when we momentarily lost Mr. Bear during the move (will he ever forgive me?!?!).
Turns out, I worried for no good reason.
Apparently, Bean got his father’s stress aversion gene and there doesn’t seem to be much that stresses this kid out.
Bean has spent his first days in our new house pretty much like he spent the two weeks at my parents house and the five months before that at our rental house.
Chillaxin’.
In fact, Bean has walked around our new house like he owns the joint.
The only difference in his personality (and I’m not even sure this is related to moving) is his reaction to understanding that some things don’t belong to him – like the medicine drawer or the closet where we keep the cleaning supplies or the grill tongs or (…sigh…) the dog bowls. When Chris or I take something away from him lately, Bean has the most shocking response I’ve ever seen.
It is so shocking, actually, that I have taken pictures to document the response in case medical science needs to look further into it.
Exhibit A:
When reprimanded and/or restrained, the subject seems to cry out in physical pain and then fling itself onto the hard floor where said subject then wallows, stopping only to look up and see if the parental figures have noticed and then continuing the wallow in spectacular fashion.
Bean is in the process of perfecting the art of temper tantrums.
Naturally, I blame his grandparents.
When we were staying at my parent’s house, it was like Christmas morning every day. Bean never had to lift a finger. Life was all Tonka trucks and golf carts. In fact, I saw Bean several times walk up to my mother, open his mouth, and wait for her to place a morsel of food in his mouth.
Bean was livin’ the life.
But then we move into our new house and my parents stayed at their house and Bean seems to have connected those two things and come to the conclusion that he must now do menial tasks such as feeding himself by himself. Like a commoner. So, to protest he gives out a war cry of fake anguish and then flings himself on the floor next to whomever is closest to him and he begins to roll around and fake cry.
I know he is fake crying because he stops occasionally to look up and see if Chris and I are looking (we never do) and then he scoots closer to us and goes back to the wailing/fake crying thing.
Drama, drama, drama.
We are responding by using a method we learned in (…wait for it…wait for it…) our dog training classes.
Awful, I know. But I actually have read the same method, though phrased differently, in parenting books, too. We are just ignoring him. We don’t make eye contact. We don’t react. We don’t interact. We just ignore him. Sometimes this is hard to do. Like when I’m cooking dinner and he has decided to throw himself down in the middle of the kitchen. But, I just step over him and continue on my way.
When the tantrum ends (and it always does) and he stops the fake crying, we go over to him and ask him what he wants. He either says the word (ball, outside, juice, etc.) or he points to what he wants and then we tell him what a good boy he is and we give him what he has calmly asked for and then we all move on with our day.
I have no idea if that’s the right way to handle the situation, but I’m guessing that if there is more than one way to perform an exorcism, then there must be more than one way to deal with a toddler meltdown because they have a lot of similarities, I would imagine.
What about YOU? How do you deal with temper tantrums?
39 Comments
Ashley
I do not have any babies, but I think what you are doing is a great idea!!
Chrissy
My 17 month old is acting that same way…He is getting into everything he shouldn’t and then if you take something from him or tell him no it is a total meltdown… He fake cries throws himself on the floor and is a total terror…I just try to ignore him too but sometimes that is hard when he does it all day long… Hoping this stage passes quickly…
Jennifer
Our son (18 months old) is doing the same thing! If you say no or take soemthing away he throws a fit! We’ve figured out that if he has something he shouldn’t have, or doing something he shouldn’t be doing, we try to take his hand and carefully lead him away while saying no and distract him with something else. Seems to divert the fits. If he does throw a fit we just ignore him until its over. Its so funny and pittiful all at the same time! Good luck!!
brooke
Bra-vo momma! lol…I too likened raising kids to training dogs……sigh….unfortunately humans can’t give the neck tug like momma dogs do 🙂
Rebekah M.
My child has also perfected the fit-throwing techniques! At any point that he does not get his way (i.e. i won’t let him have fruit snacks for breakfast, i won’t let him watch caillou, i require that he goes to bed), he decides to FLAIL and SCREAM on the floor…hitting his head…kicking his legs. Oh yes, its insane. Well, just recently we were at our local, new (awesome) city pool that has been recently renovated. It was the little place for kids that can be gradually walked into & he got upset b/c i told him that he could not steal other children’s toys…as her proceeded to FLAIL and SCREAM in the pool, he found that you cannot scream and swallow pool water at the same time 🙂
It was hilarious…(don’t worry, he was safe).
Liss
Our 13 month old boy has recently started throwing these same kind of melodramatic tantrums when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants – which is often, because it seems that all he ever wants are things he’s not allowed to have. Especially expensive, breakable things.
We try to do pretty much the same as you guys. Ignore and wait. I might play with some of his toys and pretend I’m having the most fun of my entire life to distract him from whatever it was he wanted in the first place.
It’s public meltdowns that I’m dreading the most, though…
Katie C
First of all, I am so excited you are back!!! Second of all, I cannot believe how blond Bean is getting!!!! And finally, this phase is so fun, isn’t it?! NOT!!! My son used to throw himself down just like Bean, but then he would pick up his head and slam it into the ground!! Luckily, I can report that he suffered no damage from this behavior, but I used to FREAK OUT that he was going to get a concussion!! It was awful!!! We used to do the ignore method as well. I don’t want to say we were successful, but nothing seemed to work. He grew out of it…eventually!!! 😉
Rachael Hardin
That was exactally what we did with our three girls and they are all well.. kids hahah.
Bean has gotten so big! I’ve missed seeing his smiling face everyday.
Tracy B
My boys did that same thing (they are now 6 & 10). You’re handling it really well! Although Bean is a bit young for this……when my kids got older (maybe by age 3)and they started throwing a fit I would whip out the video camera and start recording them. They know they look awful doing it and that shut them down pretty quickly!
Elizabeth
This is how we handled it when my kids were little. It’s also the way we’ve chosen to handle our grandson who is 14 months old. He is just now learning the tantrum, and ignoring them seems to really work more quickly than anything else.
Martha @ The Greatest Thing
I have no babies of my own, but I’m pretty sure that’s the right way to handle tantrums. However I do have a dog (he’s quite like Lucy- right down to the love handles!) And I have to say, it works.
Hopefully he figures out that tantrums don’t work, and soon. I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would be to go through that in public!
Megan @ Red Dirt and Crazy
Well I hope what you are doing is the right thing because it is exactly what we are doing with Q-Tip. Ohhh the tantrums that have gone on in this house. They usually don’t last very long but they have become quite significant.
Ahhh the joys!!
🙂
Megan
pamtastic
My 17 YEAR old daughter can still throw a tantrum like nobody’s business! Ohmywords is it every frustrating! Sounds like you’re doing all of the right things to me. Hopefully they’ll end soon because fake crying and whining at 17 is ah-NOY-ing!
ps…she gets over it quickly too, but living with the drama is still tough, T-U-F, tough….
Erin
My grandmother always tells the story of my tantrums when I was two. She called it the yelling rug, where i did exactly what you are discribing. One day we were walking on her drive way and I decided to through a tantrum. She was so scared that I’d seriously hurt myself when I threw myself onto
the cement on the driveway. She dumped the ice tea she was carrying on me. I was so shocked I did not throw the tantrum, and she claims I never did around her again.
I would not suggest this method. But I always think of that when kids get that way! Good luck!
Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style
Sadly I feel the temper tantrums only get more dramatic as they age. Yikes! Ava is going to be 3 in December and she can throw a fit like nobody’s business. When she was Bean’s age into her late 1’s (that sounds funny to say) I could just tell her “Come on Ava, pull it together!!” and she would, at least for the most part. Now she drops to the ground and screams like someone is actively murdering her. Ignoring it doesn’t seem to be an option, talking her out of it? Not so much. Now I give her two choices, stop throwing a fit this second or go to your room, your choice. She never seems to stop so I simply pick her kicking screaming lump off the floor and calmly set her in her room and shut the door. I say “You can come out when you are happy again.” And she does. It usually takes a few minutes and then she wanders out and says “Sorry mommy, sorry for throwing fits and sorry for not listening to you.” We discuss how it should of gone, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.
The funniest part? The other day she was in trouble so I took her over to the stairs and said we needed to have a talk. I said, “Ava, you realize fits don’t work right?” She looks at me, tilts her head to the side, puts her hand on my shoulder and says “Actually sweetie, they do.”
I swear I almost died.
deepa
That’s hilarious!
(I am looking forward to have a sassy little girl some day.)
Jamie
Absolutely hilarious!! I continue to be tickled to death over the things my 5 year old neice comes up with. Little girls…
deepa
We were introduced to the beauty of tantrums when we tried to get our 1 year old off the bottle. (He refused to drink milk out of the sippy cup for a week. It was a battle of wills. As we saw the wet diapers disappearing, we gave in to a morning and evening bottle and a cup for day care. I can’t believe he won). Now that he has a taste for throwing a fit, he throws them at the drop of a hat. If you so much as look at him the wrong way, he kicks himself into a corner. We ignore as well, which has been working. What works best is when Josh and I are both around, we start playing with his toys together. He realizes that we are having fun without him and just stops and comes over. His favorite stuffed animal is a puppet seal (named after Lucille from Arrested Development). When Josh isn’t around, Lucille and I talk about how silly Rohan is being and how much fun he is missing. Then Lucille and i build things with blocks and knock them down. That usually brings him around too.
My mom comes home today after two weeks of tantrum ignoring and sleep training – here’s to hoping she doesn’t pull a grandma and undo it:)
El
We are doing the same thing with our son. Ignoring the tantrums definitely seems to work the best for us, as he gets bored with screaming when he realizes we are not paying attention. Keep it up!
Nate's Mom
Though Nate doesn’t yet speak, he does understand some things. One thing he understands? NO. One thing he really, really doesn’t like? The word NO. His response for the past few weeks has been swatting at the person who said it or who is taking him away from something that he wants to do. (And since he can’t talk, I get that he’s frustrated.) Anyhoo. The swatting. It’s not fun. It’s downright rude. And it’s really bad when he’s swatting my face because I’m carrying him in the Ergo. Thankfully, redirection works well with Nate. So does grabbing his hands and making him stop swatting his mom (or Miss Carrie at school….) in the face…. I’m sure that Nate will kick up the drama when he walks…I’ll get back to you then….
Maren
I handled it exactly like you are…by ignoring the tantrum. They eventually learn they aren’t getting any attention from the tantrum and will stop. The better he’s able to verbalize what he wants, the less he’ll throw temper tantrums (they don’t ever stop, but they get less often). At least, that’s been my experience.
Tabitha (From Single to Married)
Too funny – just the other day I posted on my site about how my son has started screaming just in the past week (he’s seven months old). It’s a new thing but it comes out of no where and I’m still not sure how to handle it. I usually try to laugh it off or distract him but sometimes I admit I do give him a stern no, especially when he does it right in my ear! 🙂
Keri
Dog logic! Works every time. Of course, it didn’t go over so well when I used the “she’ll eat when she’s hungry” theory during the first few weeks of my baby’s life. The pediatrician did not approve (and she didn’t laugh when I said, “oh, I guess this is where dog logic does not apply.”) And also, could Bean be any cuter? Do you get sick of us stating the obvious? You have an absolutely adorable child!
Becky
Yea! Bean’s back too!
Sara @ embrylovescookies
Both of my kids went through the same thing (my 5 year old daughter still occasionally throws a floor fit). And we dealt with it the same way you are. Denying them attention seems to be the worst punishment for young children. Stick with it, this too shall pass.
So glad you’re back to blogging!!
Stacy
My daughter would throw the most dramatic temper tantrums when she was 2 complete with flinging herself on the ground and tears galore. One of the worst (and funniest) ones I recall was completely for my benefit. She threw herself in dramatic form and wailed so loud I’m sure people blocks away thought some poor child was being tortured. I stepped over her (tantrum was commencing in the living room) and walked into the kitchen to cook dinner. Completely ignoring such a show. All of a sudden I heard dead silence. Then I heard the pitter patter of chubby little feet running to me. I looked down at there she stood with a look of pure disgust on her face. How DARE I ignore such a stellar performance. She gave me the stank eye then threw herself at my feet and started in with act two. It took everything within me to not burst out laughing. It was at that moment that I realized, these tantrums demand an audience, and when the audience is taken away, performing just isn’t any fun! Keep ignoring! He’ll get the hint!
Beanie's Nana
I bought Beanie’s grandfather a football helmet to wear when he flails around on the floor because its raining outside and he can’t play golf. It minimizes head trauma and makes me laugh.
Heather
My daughter (Bee) is the same age as Bean and I don’t really have the patience for ignoring (she seems to think it means “they can’t hear me, I’ll scream a little louder”). But we use a strategy you might like from “Happiest Toddler on The Block” (okay, I’m mildly addicted to parenting books – don’t judge me). In a nutshell, you mirror back their feelings and their facial expression (with a little less intensity) and with simple speech patterns to show that you understand what they’re trying to communicate, and then you tell them no anyway 🙂 (E.g. Bee throws herself on the floor because she wants to go outside and can’t right now and I get down to her level and say “Bee is angry, Bee says ‘outside, outside now Mama’ Bee wants to go outside” then when I have her attention I switch to “but Mama says it’s raining, no outside, it’s raining. Bee can play inside, here’s your truck” Okay, you may be rolling your eyes (as I did when I read about it for the first time) Yes, you talk about yourself in the third person and yes, you speak in sentences with grammar that even someone first learning English would cringe at, and yes, it seems fake and it’s embarrassing to do in public but it WORKS for us 9 times out of 10 and it stops tantrums FAST- and that makes it worth it. And on another level, it’s a healthy and respectful thing to do for a kid that age – I’m acknowledging her feelings, I’m redirecting her attention and I’m giving her words to express herself when she’s ready to. And hey, when it doesn’t work, I just ignore her 🙂
Katie
I love that you gave a conversation example because I have the Happiest Toddler book (we lived and breathed by Happiest Baby on the Block when Bean was born…) but I could never figure out how to actually DO it! Thanks so much!
Ashley
Sounds good to me! Hey, negative attention is still attention, so you have to just ignore it. If he’s smart enough to look for your reaction, he’s smart enough to benefit from that kind of discipline. 🙂
Tressa
Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh or point fingers at your son while throwing a temper tantrum, BUT HE’S SO DARN CUTE!!! Even when throwing a fit! 😉
He’s getting so big!
Hang in there Mom and Dad, it will change again soon!
Kat
Awwww BEAN! We missed seeing your face…is it me or are you about 3405984385 years older than the last post?
Jenna
You are awesome!
Betty
Thankfully Levi (being 5 days old) hasn’t started temper tantrums, yet. But, I am hoping having 2 indoor dogs comes in handy. I mean, at least Levi is wearing a diaper, right? So I totally like the using dog class techniques on Bean…
Lisa
The whole time I was reading this post, the only thing I could think of was this video I saw of a toddler doing the exact same thing you’re describing now!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxZxCPvCtGA&feature=fvsr
Hopefully the link works and you can see the humour in it all…Bean is also much cuter than the boy in video hands down!
Ginny "Beanie's Aunt"
Perhaps you could also try the spray bottle method… just give him a couple squirts when he throws a tantrum. Work like a charm for Sugar. 🙂
Emily
We use the same method with our son who is two and a half. We started using it as soon as the tantrums started happening and I must say for a two year old the dramatic throw myself down and ‘cry’ episodes are much less common than expected. I attribute that to ignoring the histrionics early on.