The Glory of Love
Chris and I have been fighting a lot lately.
WAIT! DON’T GO! THIS ISN’T ANOTHER DOWNER OF A POST, I PROMISE!
We haven’t been serious fighting, just more knit-picking at each other. You can tell we’re just getting on each others nerves. But usually when that starts to happen and I notice we are having frequent small spats, it’s because there’s a much bigger issue brewing underneath the surface.
Take for example tonight. We went to Chris’ office Christmas party and had a blast. Bean went with us and he looked killer. Like he was ready to get his party on.
It was at Universal Studios and it was a lot of fun. The food was good, the people were nice, and there were ten feet tall snow angels that glowed.
Sorry for the quality. I only had my iPhone with me.
We had a really fun time. On the way home, we stopped at Sonic and had a little drive-in dining experience with Bean Man. All was right with the world.
Until Chris complained about something. Then I told him I was tired of hearing him complain. Then he said I ruined his night. Then we stopped talking.
When we got home, we put Bean to bed without saying anything to each other and then I got ready for bed and Chris went into the office. After a few minutes of fuming back in our bedroom, I decided that this was ridiculous and so I went to Chris and told him that I thought we needed to really talk about what had been going on lately because, well, quite frankly, we are getting ready to spend two weeks straight with our families and you really want to go into massive family time with your spouse on your side.
“Look, I’m mad. You’re mad. But we’ve got to get to common ground here even if we don’t want to right now,” I said.
“Fine,” he responded, arms crossed tightly across his chest.
And Chris and I proceeded to have the most civilized, tense, and kind of funny conversation ever. For one thing, I have lost my voice so I can only whisper. Which meant that Chris naturally lowered his voice to match mine (isn’t it funny when people do that?), so we had this whole heated discussion in barely above a whisper. For another thing, we were trying really, really hard to be considerate and kind, but we were both still angry. So, the conversations went something like this:
“I don’t understand why you are so angry about that, DEAR,” I whispered through gritted teeth. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”
“You don’t think it’s that big of a deal, SWEETHEART, because YOU weren’t the one who was being bossed around,” he responded in a dramatic whisper.
“Well, how ELSE would you like me to have said that, HONEY?”
“I don’t know, maybe without sounding like you’re talking to a FIVE YEAR OLD, MY SWEET.”
And our conversation continued like this for 20 minutes. Each of us really mad, but still trying really hard to be supportive and to work through the situation.
What it came down to were two things. One was money. Isn’t it always, always about money somewhere down the line? I’m sure if you dissected married arguments, money is one of the root causes of at least 98% of them. But the other thing that was the bigger problem was that Chris felt like I was making decisions without consulting or talking to him about them anymore (thus making him feel like the aforementioned five year old child…) and I felt like he made decision-making conversations so difficult that I was tired of talking to him about things. So, I was just going ahead and making plans, making decisions, doing my own thing and dragging an angry Chris along with me.
(Angry Chris, by the way, is about as much fun as he sounds like he would be.)
At the end of our talk, the tension and gritted teeth had melted away (almost) completely and we were actually listening to each other. Chris agreed that he could be a little more flexible when it came to decision-making and I agreed that I would stop making family decisions without him. When we went to bed tonight, we weren’t all cuddly and kissy, but our feet did curl up together. And that’s always a good thing.
A couple of nights ago, Chris and I had a little tiff about something stupid (I think it was who wasn’t talking to the other one more or something ridiculously immature like that…) and so I stormed off to our bedroom to read and Chris fumed out on the couch watching TV. After about 10 minutes, I heard him out there telling Molly to get away from his food and I could tell he was pushing her away from the plate. As he pushed her, I heard this distinct little “tink,” followed by a whispered curse word from him and I knew instinctively his wedding ring had flown off his finger. It’s been cold and sometimes in the cold, Chris’ ring slide all around.
After another 15 minutes of silence from the living room, Chris stormed down to our bedroom.
“I know we’re not speaking, but I need your help finding my wedding ring,” he griped.
So, we put aside our anger and together we looked for his wedding ring. Which we found. Thankfully.
Isn’t that so typical of marriage? You’re angry, you’re frustrated, you’re annoyed, and yet you still need your spouse (of all things, in this case, to look for a WEDDING RING). So you put your frustration aside and you work on the problem. That doesn’t mean, of course, that the frustration goes away instantly. But it means that, darn it, you love them more than the frustration. More than the need to hold a grudge. So even when you’d rather cross your arms and pout in a corner somewhere, you make yourselves talk through things, work through things, and you find each others feet under the covers at night.
That’s the glory of, that’s the story of love.
27 Comments
Jen at Cabin Fever
I completely agree… when you’re married you get mad over things, but when suddenly you need to work together or help everything else gets put aside. Then suddenly you forget what you were mad about to begin with! Isn’t marriage great 🙂
Cabin Fever in Vermont
Ashley
Glad you guys are talking it out and being there for each other, even when you don’t always want to do that. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Lisa
My husband and I always try to get whatever it is off our chest before it builds up into a big ball of anger and talking it out has always helped it not get to that point. I’m glad you guys are doing the same and can recognize when things may not being going as well as you’d like in your relationship, and both of you are willing to work at it. Marriage is awesome, but its a lot of work!
emily
Thank you for this post. I need to read it this morning, what an eyeopener for me. Have a Merry Christmas.
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
you are so brutally honest, I love it. ps- Bean man looked so freakin’ cute in his little Christmas party getup
Courtney
I knew your ending line was from a song but I had to Google it. The Glory of Love by Bette Midler. Great post btw.
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
How funny that I blogged about this just the other day. I will always love my hubby, but I don’t always like him and he doesn’t always like me. But we work together to work it out, because thats what marriage is about. Working together thru it all.
Brittany
LOVE this post. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Jess
I’m at the same point in my marriage right now too. Not talking, not fighting, but sort of fighting…not fun! But I agree, once you talk it out, it gets better and everything seems honkey dorey. Until it happens again. Vicious cycle 🙂
Nancy
I think my first marriage ended BECAUSE we never fought. We just had silent resentment until there was nothing left. At least when you fight, you set boundaries and expectations for each others’ behavior.
Life of a Doctor's Wife
I feel like all our fights are about something little and stupid – which is, of course, usually a symptom of something bigger. But it’s hard, in the moment, to push past the frustration of that little stupid thing to get to the big issue. I’m glad that you two are able to do it… And that you talk about it and make the rest of feel like we’re not the only ones who fight about silly stupid little things!
Kathy Sanderson
Great post. I think my husband and I need to have more talks like that. Usually we are so worried about making the other person mad that we don’t say what we really mean and don’t get anywhere.
Katie M
Oh the nothing fights… and the money fights. We always say if that’s the worst of what we fight about, then we’re doing alright. (Does kinda make me have a little smug smile when he needs me even though he’s mad at me though… )
becky
Lately I’ve been thinking that it would be very appropriate to have wedding rings made of silver. Keeping them sparkling and free of tarnish would be a daily reminder that a marriage requires daily care to keep it sparkling and free of resentment.
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Oh marriage. I never understand people who get RE-married. It’s so stinkin’ hard to break in one husband, who in their right mind would do it again?? That being said, working out the bugs is worth it. I like being married.
You know what you guys need? A teenager! Then you have a common enemy! Rich and I have bonded in all new ways as we struggle through this. 🙂
Jessica W
Love this! Again, thank you for sharing with us and for showing us what real marriage looks like! My favorite line: “you love them more than the frustration.” For years Matt and I have had the following rule: “I will always and forever love you, but I don’t always like you.”
Amy @ Serve At Once
Um, first of all, Bean is a snappy dresser. And he’s not AT ALL terrified by the ten-foot snow angels…which would have terrified me. Now. As an adult.
Secondly, I admire the way you can analyze an intense situation after the fact, Katie. It shows a lot of wisdom, and I want to be like when I get married. 🙂
Maggie
Ok, so I know that having these fights isn’t fun, and writing about them isn’t a whole lot better, but THANK YOU for doing this. It really really helps to know that there are others out there who definitely have to work on it, and sometimes it sucks but you DO work on it and you can get through it. Helps a lot. So thanks.
Maggie
Aww this is so sweet =]
Liss
I swear you guys are me and my partner, in reverse. The part where one complains (me) and the other says they’re sick of it (him) and the other gets huffy (me) is especially true. One of the things that I pull out in fights is, ‘you always talk to me like I’m five years old’, which is a bit of an exaggeration, but you know. I really need to learn how to talk about my problems with him, because I often just have a huge blowup and let out every little thing that’s been bothering me. As odd as it feels to write, I like when you write about these things – it makes me feel more normal AND gives me some ideas on how to handle things.
Katie N.
Katie, I just want you to know that your honesty is very much appreciated. I can’t speak for others, but for me, hearing your stories about the not so fun and glamorous side of marriage (the real tough stuff!) truly sets my mind at ease, knowing that the things my husband and I go through are challenges that every couple faces. Please know that your honesty is refreshing, comforting, AND entertaining 🙂
Megan (Best of Fates)
Whispered arguments are the funnest arguments.
Well, those and the ones that take place at water parks.
holly, your fattest and biggest fan EVER
i love you. this post is exactly why i read you. thank you for describing my marriage to a T and for making me feel not only normal but HOPEFUL. marriage IS good. and i am glad i found someone who wants to be in the journey with me. thank you so much for writing this. hugs.
Clare
I’m glad you’re talking it all out, it makes me giggle the way we do it though!! (grittted teeth an’all)
Lindsay
First, I recently came across your blog and am really enjoying it.
Second, I can totally relate to this post. A week ago Friday my husband and I had a sort of blow up due to built up frustrations from being too nit picky with each other. So we talked about it and it’s been sooo much better since. This past week we’ve both been trying to be more aware of what we say and do and trying not to let the little things bug us or set us off. It’s hard to do sometimes, to ignore those little nit-picky things, so much easier said then done! but i think with us both making a concious effort at it i’ve seen a difference in mine and his overall mood. Anyway, done with the rambling!!
p.s.I love that when it was all said and done he was asking for your help finding the wedding ring. Funny/cute.
Jenna
I have tears in my eyes because I identify so much with this — and for the same reason, I have laughter coming out of my mouth 🙂
derek sisterhen | getnakedbook.com
I couldn’t let a post with a title from a Peter Cetera song pass by without a comment (excellent reference, by the way)!
Your stat on money fights isn’t too far off – actually 84% of married couples say money is the primary source of tension in their relationship. When you think about it, money touches everything in your life – it puts your whole value system on display – so it makes sense that it would regularly rise to the top during fights.
Thanks for being genuine with your audience; I’m glad you found that ring, too.