A New Normal
Before I begin this post, I wanted to take a minute to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your comments, emails, texts, thoughts, and prayers. My family has been touched and renewed by your presence in our lives this week. You will never know how important every single kind word has been in the midst of our grief. Thank you, dear, dear imaginary friends.
**********
I went back to work today. On Thursday night, Chris and I are going to Atlanta to be with my sister and mom for the arrival of Ginny’s baby, so that leaves me with two days of pre-planning to get my classroom set up and my teaching materials together before the beginning of another school year. I worried that it was too early to go back, but I also didn’t know what I’d do if I stayed home. Besides, my dad was never one to sit at home. “Up and at ’em!” he’d yell.
So, I went to work. It was hard. I didn’t cry, but I couldn’t really focus on anything either. For the first two hours, I used my label maker to redo any label that already existed in my classroom. I literally typed, waited for it to print, and stuck the label on the folder. Type, wait, stick. Type, wait, stick. No brain work needed, but it was nice to be able to focus on something. I had a few meetings, but I have no idea what we talked about. I think I took good notes, so those will hopefully suffice.
I cried this morning when my alarm went off. I rolled over and snuggled up to Chris and said, “I don’t want things to go back to normal.” He sat there for a minute holding me and then said that he didn’t think things would go back to the old normal. Things will never be that old normal again. But we had to start making a new normal, and that it was okay to be sad about that.
The sadness is dulling slightly, but my heart is getting heavier. Sometimes it literally feels like there is something sitting on my chest. I’ve talked to some friends who have lost a loved one, and they all have said that that heaviness doesn’t ever go away, but you feel it less and less frequently over time. That makes me panic a little inside when people say that, though. I like the heaviness. It reminds me of Dad.
My sister’s doctor has decided to induce her tonight. She is full term, and there is no reason for the baby to sit inside through all this stress. Mostly, though, they are inducing her so that she can have the baby and still be able to attend the memorial service, which will be not this weekend but next. I’m thankful for her doctor and that decision.
I am so excited about meeting this new baby. I’ve already decided that one day, in a few months, Ginny and I will sit together somewhere with a couple glasses of wine and we will talk about my dad’s passing together. We’ll grieve together, hand in hand, which we haven’t been able to do yet. But not this weekend. This weekend we will laugh, dance, sing, and celebrate God’s grace through the arrival of her sweet baby boy. That’s what my dad would have wanted. That’s what he would have done. He would have laughed his booming, loud laugh, and then lowered his voice so that he didn’t scare the baby, all while saying, “I think he’s going to be a golfer!”
And so, a new normal for my family begins today. It’s a normal where my dad isn’t physically present, and if I stop and think about that for too long, it breaks my heart all over again. But it’s a new normal where we are instead charged with carrying my dad’s spirit with us as we move forward. And by tomorrow afternoon, it will be a new normal with a precious baby boy who will carry on my dad’s name and help soothe all our souls.
There is nothing bitter about that sweetness.
58 Comments
Amy
I’m humbled by your courage, Katie. Praying for your new normal, a safe delivery for Ginny and her baby boy, and joy for your family this week.
Heather
I am so heart broken for you. I wish words could wash away some of you and your families hurt. And if they could I wish I had those words. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I hope you and Ginny and your mom know that random people all over who feel like they know you are praying for you and crying for you and praying some more. I am immensly sorry you have to go through this.
Amy
Praying for safe travels for you and a safe and happy delivery for Ginny. Take lots of pictures, especially for your mom. I’ve been told that you really don’t remember anything for a few months after the loss of a spouse, and I know your mom will want to remember all the sweetness of this birth. Praying for you as you grieve and so thankful to know that your dad is Home.
Tessa
Katie, I just bawled a I read you post. My prayers are truly with your family, and I’m thankful you have such a strong faith to guide you through this difficult time. God is good and I hope you feel his love. Ginny is in my thoughts tonight. What a blessing with such perfect timing.
Erica
Dear Katie,
My thoughts are with you and your family as you navigate the way towards the ‘new normal’. I lost my Dad a few years ago and I feel his spirit, love and light every day. I see little signs of him which are warm and unexpected surprises every now and then. Hang onto those sweet memories – they are invaluable! Three cheers for welcoming in the new family!!
Jennifer
I hope Ginny has a nice and easy delivery tomorrow. Enjoy meeting your nephew! I know your dad will be their in spirit tomorrow with your family. I haven’t experienced the pain of losing a parent but last year we lost my mom’s best friend, who was like a member of our family and a second mom to me. Even a year later when I think about the fact that she’s gone, it still hurts. Her death wasn’t sudden-she was sick for a year and a half with an aggressive form of cancer but she was in her mid 60’s. She was too young (in my opinion) and because she was always there, it’s been strange getting use to her being gone. But she’s visited her husband in his dreams letting him know she’s ok and she visited my mom and I know your dad will continue to make his presence known in your family. Sending good thoughts to Ginny, JM and everyone in your family for tomorrow.
Nancy
I am going to have to go back and re-read this because I just sobbed through it. You all have been in my thoughts since Sunday when you announced this. The strength that you all are demonstrating is amazing. I am the same age of you and I will keep your example stored in the back of my mind for the unfortunate day when I am walking down the same path. I will be praying for Ginny over the next day or two until that precious baby is here with you all and I will continue to pray for peace for all of you.
Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style
You are amazing. My heart has been aching for you and your family since I heard. You are all in my prayers. I hope you can all rejoice around that little baby just as your dad would have wanted. What a blessing that he can offer you such a joyous distraction. I’m sure your dad will be right there with all of you, just in his new normal way : )
Jessica
I cried through this post, because you articulated so well what it feels like to lose a parent. I lost my mom to leukemia when I was young and your friends are right, the sadness never goes away, but does come less frequently. My heart aches for you and your family. Continued prayers for all of you.
Renee
I hope Ginny has a smooth (and fast) delivery, and that baby boy is healthy and happy. That said, this post totally made me cry. Probably more than the first one about your dad’s passing. I don’t know what you’re going through, and it breaks my heart over and over again to think about it. I continue to pray for you and your family.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
I’m so glad Ginny is going to be able to be at the memorial service… I’ll be praying for her especially as she navigates this season of unimaginable grief and overwhelming joy. You guys have a safe trip, and congratulations on the new baby!
Erin @ Blue-Eyed Bride
Oh Katie. You all are in my prayers. Especially Ginny tonight as she prepares for the most joyous day. I know that you and Ginny will help fill each other up during this time as she adjusts to being a mom and you both learn this new normal without your dad. Your words and your memories will go a very long way, and that heaviness and sadness are just the reminder that he’s always with you.
Amy
Katie (and family!) – I’ve been thinking of you guys often the past few days. And I can’t express adequately or eloquently enough how much I admire your faith and outlook as you deal with the unexpected. I’m earmarking your post for the next time I’m dealing with death. Thank you for that. Know that people all over this world are holding you in their hearts and prayers, myself included. Sending love from WI and wishing you a joyous celebration of new life!
Sarah @Whitehouse News
I just cried and cried reading both your posts. It’s apparent your dad was a well loved man and I know this must be so painful for you. I admire your attitude about it. You are in my prayers.
Sarah H.
More tears. Wish I could just give you a great big hug! Without it being creepy, of course 🙂
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
I have been thinking of you and your family each day since I read about your father’s passing, and praying for you all. My prayers are with you as you start this new normal, which will be brought in with a beautiful baby boy. I hope that he brings joy and peace to your family during this difficult time. I have no doubt it will be a blessing for you all. I will continue to pray for you and your family and keep you all in my thoughts.
Ann
Katie, my thoughts are with you and your dear family. Your readers look forward to celebrating your new nephew, as we have mourned the loss of your dad. Thank you for sharing life with us.
Melissa
I am so happy that y’all have this new baby to celebrate! You know that your dad wants nothing more than you and your family to be happy and I’m sure he will be celebrating right along with you! As for that heaviness, I don’t think it goes away. I think it just becomes a part of you and you get used to it. It’s not a bad thing, or a sad thing, it just is. I hope that even in those horrible moments you can feel the love and warmth of all of your friends and family. I’m sure your dad is so proud that he raised daughters who are special enough to have earned the love and respect of so many people.
Babytromm
I lost my dad almost 6 years ago, the day after my first daughter was born, and your posts brought all these memories rushing back. The heaviness will become less but don’t let that frighten you because you will never forget him. There isn’t a day that goes by were I don’t think about my dad. I am praying for your family as you all find the new normal.
suburbanmom2
Dear Kate, I have been an avid reader of yours for some time now. Please accept my sympathy and prayers for the devastating loss of your Dad. My thoughts will be with you and your sister tomorrow for a safe and speedy delivery of her baby. I was about your age when my Dad passed away and I was newly pregnant with my 1st child. I have 4 sisters and my daughter was not the 1st grandchild, but my pregnancy gave all of us something to look forward to in the midst of all the saddness. Yes, it was hard having her knowing that my Dad would not get to meet her, but she holds a special place in the family because her birth came at the heels of his death. You seem to be such a strong, intelligent woman and you will be a great source of comfort and strength to your sister and mom at this time. You are blessed with a supportive best friend in your husband who will be there for you. Your dad will be so proud of you.
Susan
Thank you for sharing with us. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. I am sad for your loss and excited for Ginny and what the family gains.
Rheannon Walls
I am so sorry for your loss. It seems your family was amazingly blessed to have such a man in your lives!! I am not sure exactly what you and your sister may believe, but I fully believe that right now, your father is holding your nephew, preparing him for life on earth. Another wonderful blessing- he is the first to truly meet this little soul and the one to send him on his way to your family. (Again, just my own beliefs. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone.)
You give my faith strength in so many of your words. What wonderful parents you must have had. Thank you for strengthening my own faith, and I am so sorry for my inability to say a single thing to help you through this pain.
Meghan
Katie, you and Ginny have been on my mind and in my heart every day this week. The grace with which you’re handling this sad situation is inspiring. Prayers and blessings to your family. May you find peace and comfort and you navigate the new normal.
Rheannon Walls
Also- from my own experience.
The heavyness you feel will never lighten, though it’s true you will feel it less often. But what replaces it is smiles. When I lost my closest loved one, I couldn’t even think of her face or voice, let alone a specific memory, without breaking down for hours. Now, though I have times I try to call her or need her comfort, and feel it just as real as day one, most of the time when I recall anything about her, I find myself smiling or laughing and reliving the fun and joy. There is that tinge of missing her still, but the memories slowly become comforting in themselves instead of painful. I understand the panic you said you feel, but please don’t feel it. Because slowly, the heaviness goes away, and the wonderful memories and smiles and joy will remind you of him. But I promise, he will never be gone from your mind. The pain will just be easier to handle, and the joyful memories so much more remembered and felt.
Misty K
In the past few years, I’ve been referring to greif as a heavy, ichy, size to small coat. It’s uncomfortable and all you want is to make it go away, and in time you will learn when you can find comfort in it, and when it needs to be taken off. Praying for a
Safe delivery and the Joy that your family will find with Tillman. No one comforts like a baby.
Susan S
The new normal will get more comfortable in time. It does take time, patient time. I do hope that your family enjoys the weekend celebrating new life.
Tara @ Time of Our Lives
The poise and grace and even tears you have had through all this amazes me Katie. What an honor to have you in my life. Prayers are with Ginny for a safe delivery and I know that your Dad is smiling and enjoying right along with you all. When the time is right the babies are fast asleep enjoy that cry with Ginny and let it out as I am sure you have been the rock for many.
Carrie
Still praying hard for all of you!
Rebecca
You have a beautiful way with words Katie, I am awed by how you are able to express your grief and love for your father and your family. Just looking at the pictures I can see what a wonderful father, grandfather, and husband he was. I hope that in 30 years my husband and I have that same clear look of love that your parents have. I am praying for your family and celebrating the new baby.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
Many blessings on Ginny, JM, their doctor, and this baby boy! Been thinking about you and praying for your family all day. I might be an imaginary friend, but my heart hurts for you. May tomorrow be a day of great joy!
Ana P
I am so sorry for your loss.. we went through a similar situation last year and it is so tough to adjust to a new normal. From my experience, you will have good and bad days but always keeping your faith and your head up will get you through it! 🙂
Jennifer
Just wanted to say that you and your family are in my prayers!
80
Imaginary friend here. I’m so sorry for your loss. Even if we’ve never met, learning about the death of you dad was shocking, saddening and it just made me flat out cry! I felt for you, Ginny and your mom. And wondered how you’d tell Bean. I went to prayer and asked the good Lord to give you all that peace that surpasses all understanding and that He make his strength perfect through your weakness at this time. Y’all are in my thoughts and prayers!!
Joke
Thinking of you! Hoping Ginny is having a safe delivery so you all have an amazing start to your new normal.
Bec
How is your mom doing? We are thinking of her too.
Casey @ The Baker Bee
Incredibly sorry for your loss… and incredibly excited for the arrival of a new life in your family. Bless you and your family.
Katie C
Another imaginary friend here. 🙂 I said this in another post, but my heart is just broken. I can’t even imagine how you feel. Reading your posts last night had me sobbing. Blessings to you and your family.
Kat
I hope that you have a wonderful weekend with your sister and the new addition to the family. I can’t imagine the mix of emotions that your whole family is going through right now.
beth
Bless you – prayers for peace at this time. I lost my father when I was 18 and even though I am now 39 I still vividly remember the nightmares and wishing that’s all it was – an ongoing nightmare that I would wake up from. You go to sleep dreaming about him and wake up and he’s the 1st thing on your mind, seems like it won’t ever end. But…. it does. I had to remind myself people lose loved ones all the time and get through it – time truly heals all wounds.
Katy
Wow…another beautiful post. I would love nothing more than to give you a huge hug and be there for you…it seems so wrong that I know so much about your life and yet you know nothing about me. I will continue to pray for you and your family…God bless!!
Megan Bee
Beautiful post. I am wishing for an easy delivery for Ginny, and a wonderful weekend celebrating new life 🙂 You are all in my prayers!
Beth
<3. wrapping you all in my love.
Brendy
I’ve read your last few posts with a heavy heart. I lost my dad in an accident when I was 24. My niece was 2. It’s so hard that she, my nephews (born later), and my own future children will never know him in a physical sense. The hardest part after his death was not the funeral. For the first few days, so many people are around and talking about him and remembering him. But slowly, the people leave, you go back to work, and you see that the world keeps turning. It doesn’t seem right or fair. How can everything just continue on as if nothing happened? I was terrified of him not being there feeling “normal”. But now it does. And joy slowly returned to my life. I remember him every day and still grieve for my loss. But I know he would be happy that we all have found happiness again while not forgetting that he made us the people that we are. I’m thinking about you and your family.
Jill
I met Ginny back when we were both living in VA and our boys played in a basketball league together (JM is a beast of a player, btw). She introduced me to your blog and although I don’t comment often I never miss a post and consider this my favorite blog by far. It’s hard not to feel like we know you and when you are hurting it genuinely feels like a friend is hurting. So from one of your many, many imaginary friends please know that you are in my thoughts and I’m sending you and your entire family all the positivity and support I have. Much Love.
Amy
Katie (& family) – Please know you’ve all been in my heart this week as you walk through this time together. Prayers for you as you move forward with great joy, as well as sadness, into your new normal.
Gina
Katie, I hope everything goes perfect for Ginny’s baby boys arrival, I have to say I cried when I read this post (at work ) ugh, Please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers all week, I hope the arrival of the new baby brings some joy to your family.
Lisa
Katie, I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. I’ve been praying for your family this week. God bring comfort to you all during this time, even through the birth of your new nephew.
Laura
Thinking of you all. Hope your mom is doing as well as possible. hugs.
momiss
I’ve never made myself blog about my mother’s death. This is as close as I’ve ever gotten. http://laceyourdayswithhope.blogspot.com/2011/01/mysterious-grand-piano-found-on.html I am so very glad you and your mom are going out to be with Jen. Stay strong.
Jen @ Ginger Guide
Katie, I love how you are trying to celebrate your father’s life. That’s the hardest part when you lose someone so close, choosing celebration over grief. I hope the birth of Ginny’s son goes smoothly and brings you all hope and peace.
Joy G
Katie, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad and I’m praying for your family. I wanted yout o know that I’ve been inspired by your many happy pictures of your Dad. I’m resolved to take more pictures of my family because what a blessing they will be in times like this. I cited you on my blog, http://getagriep.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-importance-of-pictures.html.
Prayers and blessings to you!
Dee
Katie and family, I’m just another imaginary friend but sending you very real support and positive thoughts. I’m so sorry. I truly admire your strength and grace.
Christina
Oh Katie……it’s hard for me to find the right words. I have been reading your blog since been was a wee baby, and while I don’t comment often I read every post you write. My heart breaks for you while at the same time holds so much excitement for this new bundle of joy that Ginny is bringing into the world. Praise God for the blessing in the midst of pain. I pray that you will be able to enjoy this time and let yourself feel every emotion- the ups and downs. Praying for you, my imaginary friend 🙂
farrar
wekk by the time i read this, I think you all must have a new baby! Congrats to Ginny and JM!! Your family is still in my thoughts and prayers, I told my husband that my blog friend’s Dad passed, and he is praying for you too. He still thinks it is sorta weird that I feel like I know you all though :0) – prayers and warm thoughts your way.
Glenn and Farrar Foley
Corinn
New normals are the worst. Hands down the worst. Praying for you guys.
whitney
Katie,
I knew Ginny in college and follow your blog. I first want to express my condolences during this difficult time and also my congratulations on Tillman’s birth. secondly I want to express my deepest respect for you and your family’s strength and poise during this sudden and tumultuous loss and joyful long awaited celebration. You are truly an inspiration.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Teresa
As one of your imaginary friends, I am crying this morning after reading your posts. It is so wonderful that the circle of life will start again. The birth of a new baby is so special. I hope you all have a great time being together to welcome the new addition. God bless you and your family in this time.
Sarah
Oh, I’m so very very sorry. I’ve lurked and read this blog for years just enjoying your little family and your honesty about what it takes to make a marriage work and how different your life is from mine. But I feel like I want to say how sorry I am and how much I’ve enjoyed watching your family over the years.