Apologies from a Blogger
*** CONGRATULATIONS TO THE BARNES AND NOBLE GIFT CARD WINNER, Commenter #23 – Trish D.! Trish, email me at katie@marriageconfessions.com to claim your prize! ***
On Friday, I posted a post about when Chris and I found out we were pregnant with Bean and Gracie. It was supposed to be a little lesson about how sometimes in life, timing has a way of working itself out just how it is supposed to. I wrote it with a specific audience in mind – those young couples who were trying to decide if it was time to have a baby or not. However, I received several comments from blog readers who reminded me that for some people, the timing of children never works out and that this is anything but “divine timing.” Those readers told me that hearing comments about how pregnancies will “happen when they are supposed to happen” can be incredibly painful and hurtful to women who are struggling with infertility issues.
I didn’t log in to check the comments of that post until Saturday afternoon and I was horrified to see this response. I immediately came home and took the post down. But that didn’t seem like enough. So, I decided to blog about it. Because it’s what I do.
I apologize to anyone out there who read that post and was offended, hurt, or angry. I have many friends – too many, really – who have and are struggling with infertility. For some of them, they have been able to eventually have a child, though much later than they planned. And for a few of them, they were never able to have children on their own, but have gone on to adopt babies that were put on this earth to be their child, whether they physically birthed them or not. Though Chris and I were blessed enough to have children very easily, I assure you that the struggles of infertility are not lost on me. As someone who is grieving a loss, I certainly understand the “shit timing,” as one commenter appropriately called it, of diving timing.
As a faithful person, I do believe that everything happens as it is supposed to happen, and I can’t apologize for that belief. But faithful or not, I know that when and if things happen can be a very difficult thing to face – whether it is in the birth of a child or the death of a parent.
Please know that my intent on this blog is never to push beliefs on people, to generalize human conditions, or to minimize the silent challenges that some of us face. I try very hard to make sure my words come from a place of love, kindness, humor, inclusiveness, and grace.
Or, at the very least, that I don’t sound like a giant jackass.
On Friday I failed at that, and I’m really glad that some of you pointed it out to me in a very understanding tone. I know I probably would not have been so understanding. Thanks for showing me how powerful words can be, and for giving me a chance to say that I’m really sorry.
35 Comments
Samantha
I read your post on Friday from the perspective of being pregnant with twins via the miracle of IVF. Took two years, two miscarriages and countless treatments. The heart ache is unexplainable. But I didn’t comment on Friday because I understood your intention. Don’t beat yourself up. As my husband often reminds me infertility is our problem. Other people have their problems. We are all just trying to find our way and deal with what is on our plate. You so generously share what is on your plate with all of us. Thank you!!
Nancy
Your job as a blogger is to write about your experiences. You can’t worry about offending this group or that group. Yes, infertility is difficult but that doesn’t mean that the rest of us have to walk on eggshells. Everyone has their cross to bear–infertility, disability, illness, whatever; if we spent all our time worrying about how our personal experiences make others feel and holding back because of it, there would be no stories. You should put your post back up because for every person who has suffered through infertility, there is a person in your same situation…like me! I feel better knowing that I’m not the only to totally screw up family planning and end up with kids less than two years apart. My (and your) experience doesn’t diminish the experience of infertility, or vice-versa. It’s all part of life. We all have to buck up and deal with it, whatever “it” is.
Stacy
I read Fridays post and the last thing on my mind was to be offended. I have spent years trying to have a child, have had m/c and other complications, so I’m familiar with fertility struggles.
The thing we all need to remember is that we all walk a difficult path. Some parts may be easier than others. But we each have our own unique journey. And someone sharing their own words about their own journey shouldn’t affect how good or bad your journey is.
You didn’t need to apologize (IMO), but its very gracious that you did.
Jenna@CallHerHappy
I read your post as well, and I too was not offended in the least. I think you are right when you said, “As a faithful person, I do believe that everything happens as it is supposed to happen, and I can’t apologize for that belief.” EVERYTHING happens in God’s time, just like you said. Unfortunately, that means that some couples suffer with infertility. I pray for those people often, because it must be so devastating. But, there are a lot of devastating things that happen in life that we have no control over. We are called to trust the Lord and His timing. I thought your post was great. I hope you know that you didn’t offend everyone. I think some people are just hurting, and we pray for them 🙂
Dusty
I have been dealing with infertility for around 5 years now. I read your post and in the first two years I probably would have been upset about it, however I’m not one to openly say that i’m upset. I have had countless people tell me that “it will happen when it’s supposed to happen”. Yes.. it’s hard.. Yes it hurts.. but like those above.. this is mine and mine alone to deal with. I used to look at pregnant women with hatred because i couldn’t have that. Through the years.. through the phone calls from my brothers and girlfriends walking on eggshells around me trying to tell me they were going to have babies and not hurt my feelings i have learned that it is crazy for me to not be happy for the people out there that are able to have children. I’m now happy and excited for them. I see pregnant woman, and though i’m completely jealous, I can now smile when i see them. I read your post and it was calming for me. I’m not religious and don’t believe in the same things that you do, however i appreciate and respect your beliefs and the fact that you won’t apologize for your beliefs made me want to give you a high five, cause you shouldn’t. I really liked your post and i agree that there is hardly ever a “good” or “perfect” time to have a baby and it will happen when it is truly my time or maybe it won’t happen at all. But that is ok. Thank you for your post, i’m glad i got to read it before you took it down.. and _virtual high five!_
Erin R.
This is your blog… YOUR blog. I don’t know exactly why, but I am so bothered by the fact that you had to take your post down. I mean, you didn’t HAVE to, but I understand why you did.
Kelly at Mrs in Training
I struggled with infertility as well, and I did raise my brows a bit at the post, but I never would have commented or stopped reading your blog because, how could you possibly know if you’ve never been there? And I’m so glad you haven’t, because I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. That said, I don’t think it was necessary to remove the post (and if you saved it, I do think you should re-post it – this is YOUR blog), but what a thoughtful and classy reply. Thank you 🙂
Becca
I agree with these ladies in that you shouldn’t have to take down your post– it is your experiences that make this blog what it is, and your experiences are wonderful, including the timing of your pregnancies. I hope you consider putting back up that beautiful story.
Beanie & Gracie's Nana
Your heart is always in the right place, Kate. A quote I try to keep with me and that has served me well: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load.” Isn’t that the truth? No matter what the burden, we all have our loads to bear.
Stacy
While I struggle with infertility I saw the comments as supportive to those who were struggling, while they did say comments like “Babies ALWAYS come when they are suppost to” where painful to hear, no one said to take down the post. I’ve seen people on her trash lovely Katie for using ziplock bags in the microwave. As a writer don’t you want to spark something in your readers. I saw the comments of those struggling to be more of “I feel you sister” then a hateful response to the blog. In my opinion Kate made the choice to remove it because it was a sponcered post and as a smart, strong business woman Katie knows that it’s best to make those light and show lots of cute pictures of the kids. Clearly as someone struggling with infertility I don’t hate pregnant women or those who have conceived easily if I did I wouldn’t have been following MC since Bean was a tiny baby. Do you need to walk on eggshells, NO ONE WHO COMMENTED SAID THAT, no one said to remove to post, Katie made that call and your above post was kindly received. Maybe Kaite’s mom gave the best comment today when she said to follow your heart, be kind because everyone has a burden. Just because mine is different then yours doesn’t make me any better or any less then you. it makes us all human. And as women we need to SUPPORT each other not trash someone and say “ Get over IT” just because they choose to share their burden in an OPEN FOURM.
Katie
As someone who has experienced loss, I wasn’t offended by your post. It was written from your perspective. It’s an extension of “bloom where you are planted.”. Sometimes, you get a whoops baby. Sometimes there is no baby or a variety of other problems. Whatever the issue, you should try to bloom where you are planted. This blog is about your journey and since you haven’t had a loss it’s not on the forefront of your mind.
FWIW, I’m always amused by Gods timing. Some friends of mine have been ttc for about 10 years. 24 miscarriages. They adopted their lovely baby girl this summer. Two weeks later they found out they are expecting again – and the baby is farther alon than she has ever gotten! So it looks like they will have two babies within six months. If that isn’t an example of Gods timing and sense of humor I’m not sure what is.
Cindy
I have struggled with infertility in the past and did not take offense to anything that you said because it was what YOU experienced. Every one of us has a different prospective when it comes to parenting, some come through it naturally right away, some struggle for a long time to finally become pregnant, some adopt, some decide they never want to have kids. I don’t think anyone should ever be offended by what you say, it’s your story!
Candice
I don’t think you should’ve taken your post down. This is your blog with your stories told in your voice. You can’t walk on eggshells for everyone’s various issues. Maybe someone is offended by your running posts because they’re unable to run and hurt by how easily it seems you get in shape. Maybe someone else is offended that your children wear gender specific clothing. You have to be you and that post was very you. I’m sorry you took it down.
Abbie
I read your post of Friday and took it in the way that I think you intended. I am 33 years old and not even close to finding someone to spend my life with- much less having the babies I so desperatly want, but I was in no way offended. You “job” with this blog- if you want to call it that- is to write from your life experiences and viewpoint. I don’t believe your post was in any way offensive, or meant to be. I also understand those that are struggling, but it’s going to be that way for everyone at somepoint. You are right- Gods timing is perfect, even though it is hurtful at times. It was your choice to take down that post, and I respect that, but personally- even given my personal wants and struggles right now, I thought it was funny, well written, and uplifting.
Abby @ I Used To Have A Brain
I really liked Friday’s post. Our first baby was big big surprise – we were SO not ready. Then we swung to the other side of the spectrum and struggled for a couple years (losing 3 babies) trying to have a second child. And our third child was planned and conceived easily but when I was several months pregnant I became unemployed. My point is that with all the challenges we’ve faced regarding babies – I agreed with what you said and it I think it will help expecting parents who are under similar circumstances feel hope that it’ll be ok.
Katie N.
Hi Katie! I commented on your post on Friday, and felt compelled to post again when I saw your post today. I think it’s so courageous and gracious of you to post this apology post, but just wanted to let you know that I, like many others, took your post for what you had intended it to be and loved it 🙂 I feel so terrible for all of those who were offended by it and are effected by what I can only imagine is a horribly painful process (the inability to conceive naturally), but please know that you reached many in your audience who were touched by the post as well. My point is, you are a great blogger and a great person, both for your ability to reach your readers, and your ability to see the other side when people with a different perspective appear. Keep up the fabulous (and REAL) work!
Tory
Katie! I loved Friday’s post. And like those above, I don’t think that you should apologize for writing about your own personal experience! I’ve never felt that you try to push your beliefs on us, your readers. And I personally believe that God DOES have a plan for each of us. We may not understand it at the time, nor is there a guarantee that we will ever understand, but I believe that our God is faithful and wise. I find comfort in this, not pain. He has a plan for each of us and turning it over to Him gives me such peace and allows me to be thankful for what I DO have.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. I think you’re AWESOME! 🙂
Jess
Yoh shouldn’t have taken it down. This is your blog. You can express yourself freely. I, too, believe in God’s perfect timing and that His plans are greater than our own. People who are really that sensitive shouldn’t be reading things that are gonna send them into a fit anyway.
R E
Echoing everyone else – it’s your blog, post it if you want to! I feel for those struggling with infertility – but this blog isn’t a place where you try to step on eggshells around everyone who might get their feelings hurt. The post was very clearly NOT a dig at anyone struggling with infertility, and I think whoever was upset by it really needs to stop and think about that.
Kate
You’re a class act.
Monique
As someone who has struggled with infertility for many years, and not ending up with a baby, I must thanks you for the Friday post! I never felt offended by it, which must mean I have accepted our fate (I’m 48 now!), and am happy teaching young kids instead! All this commotion made me realize it has stopped hurting so much, and I’m happy with my life as it is now.
colleen
katie! i loved that post! as someone who is newly pregnant and terrified, it was comforting to read your words about how babies come at the perfect time. after trying for months and months when we finally did see two lines on that pregnancy test, i was in a panic. i immediately thought, “what have we done?!” it’s so nice to hear that once baby arrives i will not be able to imagine life without him/her because right now all i can think about is how nervous i am!
Becca
As someone struggling to get pregnant going on 2 and 1/2 years now, I want to let you know I wasn’t offended. I knew where you were coming from with that and that you didn’t mean any harm. Your apology is sweet but please don’t give yourself a hard time over it.
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
Katie, I’ve been “not trying” for 3 years now and I KNOW I will need IVF. (Hey Birth Control is free for me!) I want you, like many others have said, to know that you did nothing to offend. Sometimes those of us who struggle or are grieving react, well roughly, to a post about those who do have it easy. Its hard to not be upset or angry when you see shows like “16 & Pregnant” when you are trying so desperately to have just 1 child and would give anything for it. You did a great job with that post and I don’t think you should have taken it down because its how you feel. Y’all were blessed with children…others aren’t. Life isn’t always “fair” for everyone and its ok. You are ok. So please don’t worry ok?
ang
Katie – as a part of your “target audience” for the last post it really spoke to me & helped me to understand that it’s ok to be scared / question & talk about it. I am sorry you felt compelled to take it down – I thought it was beautiful.
Liesel
I’ve been thinking about this post all morning. And it appears I am not in the minority when I say you have nothing to apologize for. I’m an infertile, I used IVF to get pregnant. I also had a terribly rough pregnancy and my sweet boy spent two weeks in the NICU after coming prematurely. That is MY experience. No one else’s. I don’t come here and expect that your experience will be just like mine or that every thing you write will cater to absolutely every one. This isn’t an infertility blog, of which there are many. A person coming here knows that you are a momma, one of the lucky ones that was able to get pregnant without necessarily trying. That’s great for you. It means nothing about me. Or you. They are just our experiences.
While I think it is great you are trying to be tender and kind toward everyone, you certainly did not come off as offensive to me. And I’m one of the ones that should theoretically be offended. Quite frankly, us infertiles have to learn to deal with comments like “just relax”, “it will happen in God’s time” from people who know us and know our struggles. The last person I would think to be offended by is a blogger who does not know me nor was addressing my experience.
Those are my two cents.
Jess
Hi Katie!!
To begin my comment, I just want to say, you are such a beautiful person! I was not the target audience of your last post, nor have I struggled with infertility (definitely not ready for children yet!), but in reading the comments, like you, I saw that some people were hurt by your wording. Sure, as people said above, this is your blog- but the fact that you were sensitive to these people’s comments IS why YOUR blog is so wonderful. Though you of course meant no harm in the first place, you went out of your way to tell people this, and to repair any hurt that may have unintentionally been caused- I`m sure many, many of your readers appreciate how kind, thoughtful & inclusive this was. Love your blog!!
Miriam
Katie, I loved your blog post about how your kids happened. Yes, perhaps it would have been good to post something along the lines of recognizing that you are fortunate to be so fertile. But I was also glad to see a post that showed the point of view of someone who didn’t meticulously plan the timing of a pregnancy only to be stressed if it didn’t happen right away. We are expecting our first baby in a few short weeks. An unexpected surprise to say the least, because at 30 we still were on the fence about if we really wanted kids. I spent the first few weeks alternating between my shock, and my guilt at not being overjoyed when I had so many friends struggling. I never actually felt joy about the pregnancy until we saw her for the first time at the dating ultrasound (we were almost at 10 weeks at that point). Most bloggers don’t post about the parts that show that pregnancy can be panic inducing when you haven’t been struggling. I appreciated that I wasn’t the only one. But talking about foot in mouth, the first friend I told was one of my friends who has struggled with infertility and miscarriages for years. I figured if she loved her OB after all her trials, I wanted to see that OB. Luckily for me, she is one of the most positive people I know. She was overjoyed that we were going to have kids and thought that my concerns of offending her were silly.
Michelle S
I liked your post about the timing of babies. I agree that babies come when they are supposed to. My two are 11 months apart, born the same year. I don’t know why they needed to be so close, but they did.
I am pregnant again and it came as a bit of a surprise. When I read your post I was struggling with being pregnant, not sure if I’m ready for this yet. But your post struck me and reading it really hit home that babies come when they are supposed to.
I don’t think you had anything to apologize for. I believe everything happens in God’s timing, whether that means before we’re ready or not at all. And I understand that when it is not at all it can be devastating. But that does not mean you should have to remove your post.
Trish D
Hey! I emailed you back!
Chloe
I didn’t get to read the post but sounds like I was the target audience, I wish it was somewhere for me to read? Anyway I appreciate your love and concern for people who have issues with infertility.
Mandy
As someone who as struggled with miscarriage I read your post and giggled and loved reading it. You have a beautiful family and if you can’t celebrate it on your own blog then that’s really sad. Keep writing for you!
Lindsay
I, too, have been struggling with infertility for the past 3 years. We’ve finally started our first cycle of IVF and are really struggling with how hard the process is emotionally and physically. It is also going to wipe us out financially. I have definitely dealt with plenty of bitterness over the past 3 yrs. Watching friends and relatives get pregnant so easily has been difficult. There must be 5 or 6 new babies who have been born since we started trying. And while I am so thankful this process exists to help people like me, I’m also incredibly angry that we have to make use of it.
So because of my feelings on the issue I sound like I should be your worst case scenario right? And even I knew what you were saying when I read Friday’s post and was totally not offended! I really wish you would put it back up. This is your site and you should not have to censor yourself!
Meghan
I would really appreciate it if you would put the post back up. I am getting married in a few weeks and these are things I think about. I hadn’t read your blog in a few days, so I missed this post.
Brooke
message*I missed your original post, but I just want to say how much I admire you for apologizing and not half-ass or passive-aggressively apologizing. Infertility is something that I have not personally experienced, but I became aware of the grief that it causes after our first baby was unexpectedly stillborn for unknown causes. Phrases that I’d previously tossed off without thinking (like “Everything happens for a reason” and “It will all work out in the end”) suddenly felt like a slap in the face in the midst of our grief. I just really appreciate you acknowledging that you may have inadvertently caused someone pain–it’s not something a lot of people would admit, let alone apologize for. (As a side note… I’m coming back to your blog after a long hiatus when I couldn’t read parenting blogs after our loss. I’ve found that I still relate to your writing, and I love your honesty. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Your love for him shines through your words, and it’s clear he was very proud of you.)