An Un-EGG-Spected Morning

Saturday night, at 3:00 in the morning, Chris and I sat straight up in bed.  Something was hitting our house!  I did what I always do when I hear a sound in the night.  I immediately jumped out of bed and stood in my hallway, feet and arms spread wide and my eyes barely open, and yelled out, “SAVE THE CHILDREN!”  As this was happening, Chris (who had slightly more sense) went to the front door and peered out.

It sounded like something hard was hitting our house, over and over again.  Was it hail?  Paintballs?  BULLETS?!

“It’s eggs!” Chris finally said sleepily.  He turned on the front porch light and the dumb kids throwing the eggs jumped in their car and sped away.

WE WERE EGGED!!!!!!!!

Chris turned the light off and we got back into bed.  He fell back asleep in about 2.3 seconds, but I laid there for a little bit.  Could it have been one of my disgruntled students?!  We don’t live near where I teach, so they would have had to really make an effort to come all the way over to my neighborhood and egg my house.  I couldn’t really think of anyone I’d made made enough to do that recently.  Most of the kids I teach are too lazy to even put their name on their papers, much less find a friend with a car, buy eggs, and drive 30 minutes to my house.  That seems like a lot of effort for their generation…

I finally fell back asleep, but was awake early this morning to start the messy process of cleaning up.  Apparently, eggs can do a number on your house or car paint if you leave it on there long or if the sun bakes it in, so we were up by 8:00 this morning, cleaning gooey eggs off of our house.  When we got outside, we realized they had used three dozen eggs to egg our house and both cars.  How do I know it was three dozen eggs?  Because they left their cartons flung all over our yard.  Classy.

But here’s the worst part.  I had left my sunroof open in my van last night.  (Learned a life lesson there, friends.)  No eggs went straight in the van, but some had hit the house and then the yolk had oozed down into my sunroof.  All I could think was that when my car heats up in this Florida sunshine, it’s going to smell like an omelette on wheels.

(A moment of silence for my super cute new welcome mat that I got the DAY BEFORE, which is now ruined. Sad face.)

I took my car up to a car wash and mentioned to them what had happened last night.  The manager smiled and nodded, saying I was the third car to come in this morning with eggs all over.  They had my car completely cleaned up and even cleaned out the mess in my sunroof frame.

When I got home and was helping Chris pressure wash our house and driveway, a neighbor stopped and said it had happened all down our street.  This made me feel infinitely better.  I was heartbroken thinking this might have been a student.

Bean and Gracie were super confused about this whole “egging” thing.  “They just threw eggs at our house?????” Gracie asked.  “Why??????”  We explained lightheartedly that it was an April Fools prank that teenagers had done and how unkind it was because look how much trouble it was causing us.  Chris told Bean that if he and his buddies ever got this stupid idea in their heads when he got older and Chris found out about it, he was going to purposefully egg our own house and than make Bean clean it up himself.  To which Bean very smartly responded, “So, what if you don’t ever find out?”

Well played, small boy.  Well played.

I asked Chris when the kids left the room why boys got kicks out of egging people’s houses.  He shrugged his shoulder and said he’d never done it, except for one time when he was in fifth grade.  He and his best friend were spending the night together and they got brave enough to each take one egg from his friend’s refrigerator.  They ran down the street and threw two eggs at a mailbox and then ran home, terrified.  He laughed and said that fear from those two eggs scared him for years!

It turned out to be kind of a good thing that our house was egged because we had been meaning to pressure wash our driveway for almost a year now.  A neighbor lent us this really great buffer attachment for our pressure washer and Chris spent two hours cleaning and buffing our driveway and sidewalks, so they look white and clean now.  And while he was outside, I took the time to plant some caladiums bulbs my mom brought me last week.  And since it turns out that eggs shells are actually great fertilizer and bug repellant, I just smooshed up those egg shells and dropped them into the hole with the bulbs.  Perfect!

(My gardening partners were of no help.)  (Also, look at our yard!  We are having a drought here in Orlando recently and it is killing our grass!)

So, actually, thank you, punks driving a Toyota Corolla at 3:00 in the morning who egged my house.  You were great motivation for some much needed spring cleaning and gardening!

(P.S. Dear Punk-Ass Kids Who Egged My House:  If you happen to get egged one night by two middle-aged parents escaping into their minivan at 3:00 in the morning, it wasn’t us…)