Out With the Old, In With the New

Since growing a human inside me, I have noticed some alarming changes in my body.   You might think one would be prepared for massive changes to one’s body once having spawned offspring in one’s loins, but not me.   I lived in a magical place for nine whole months.   A magical place where fairies whispered in my ear every day, “Don’t worry – your body will snap right back to normal once you give birth!”

Lying damn fairies.

I’m 6-weeks out from having my baby and while I have dropped almost all of my pregnancy weight, there ain’t nothin’ “springing” back into anything.   Things are wrinkly and sagging.   Those stupid fairies didn’t tell me about the wrinkling and the sagging back when I was in that magical place for nine whole months.

The part that I’m weirded out by the most is that my body’s proportions seem to have changed.   I’m curvier in places that I never used to be curvy.   I couldn’t stomach the thought of taking pictures of myself, so I drew you illustrations instead.

Here are my proportions BEFORE I had the Mean Bean Who Took My Waistline:


I’m not talking about thin or fat here, I’m talking about shape.   You’ll see that prior to the birth of the Mean Bean Who Took My Waistline, I did, in fact, have a waistline.   And while my legs would never make the cover of Sports Illustrated, my thighs were at least proportionate to the rest of my body.

And now?


Now, my waistline seems to have taken a leave of absence.   And my thighs?   Well, they have aligned with my hips.   My hips which widened in order to BIRTH A CHILD.   Only, the Mean Bean Who Took My Waistline has been birthed and those hips don’t seem to have gotten the memo.   Neither have my thighs.   (And according to my drawing, I have also taken on a cowgirl stance?   Not sure what that’s all about.   I flunked art class.)

This has posed a real dilemma in my world.   I have nothing to wear.   Oh, I know what you’re thinking.   You’re thinking just what Chris said, “Don’t be so dramatic!”   But this isn’t drama.   This is reality.   N-o-t-h-i-n-g fits me.

These are all my pants from before my pregnancy.   Want to know how many of them fit me now?   ZERO.


And my maternity clothes are finally too big.   The shirts are all stretched out and the pants fall off of me (HALLELUJAH!).   In fact, I got so tired of wearing huge clothes that make me look even bigger that yesterday I cleaned out my closet and packed up all my maternity clothes.   This left a gaping hole in my wardrobe.   Literally.


Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do.   I must go shopping.   (Sigh)

I must give up HOURS of my day to comb through racks of clothing.   I must try on new shirts and skirts and pants and dresses.   And I must accessorize.   I can’t have a new wardrobe without the proper accessories.   And I can’t have new accessories without having the shoes that match them, can I?   And you know that people will talk about me behind my back if I don’t have the purses that match my new shoes.

Man.   This is really going to be horrible.   But I think I’m up to the challenge.   I will rise to the occasion.   And then I will hide all the receipts from Chris.

He’s never really been as selfless as me.

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11 Thoughts to “Out With the Old, In With the New”

  1. Atleast you have a GREAT excuse for your clothes not fitting and going shopping for more. I am about to get married in a month and my clothes are all getting a little too snug. I have two pair of jeans that fit ok and one pair that I squeeze into sometimes because they were my “sexy” jeans. LOL!

  2. I have not broken down and shopped for more yet though. I keep telling myself that I am going to work out and lose the weight.

  3. Beth

    My best friend cleaned out her closet after giving birth to their first born a few months ago and I got a ton of new cloths. And 6 months later she said she needs some of them back because she can wear them now. Give it time and you will find your thighs and waistline did get the memo, they have just been on maternity leave. But until that happens have fun with the shopping. 🙂

  4. One of the books I read said “9 months up, 9 months down”. No matter what she did (she had 4 kids), be it doing nothing for 9 months or working out like a crazy women, it still took a while to get her old body back.

    If not, no worries! You’ll have a whole new wardrobe to console you:)

  5. It’s one of those things nobody tells you when you’re pregnant – not only do you need a whole new wardrobe for baby, you’ll need one too. In my closet and drawers right now I have about a million different sizes of clothes because of my wonderful children! They should definitely tell you about “post-maternity clothes”!

  6. kay

    i think we had the same art teacher in gradeschool! have fun shopping!


  7. Donna

    Have fun shopping!

  8. Hilary

    “You’ll get your old body back” is the BIG FAT LIE they tell women so we’ll procreate. If we knew what pregnancy was REALLY going to do to our bodies, we’d never have children. I was (and still am) devastated by my poor, deflated, sagging boobies. I only breast fed for a month so I’m not sure why they now hang there like stretched-out rubber bands. It’s so depressing I can’t even think about it. Now I won’t leave the house without a padded push-up and I am seriously considering sleeping in one too. Know that you’re not alone!!

  9. Dude, I am soooo jealous that you have dropped almost all of your pregnancy weight. I am the exact same weight I was when I returned from the hospital! And I have been working up a sweat at work for 4 freaking weeks and nothing has moved…ugh.

  10. Pants shopping is so lame. It’s worse than bra shopping. And that’s bad!

    I have dropped all but 10 lbs. of my baby weight (Cam will be 6 weeks old on Monday), but I only fit in 4 pairs of jeans. Thank goodness I saved those fat jeans. 😉

  11. Linda Y.

    It’s been 9 months out for me and I still could stand to lose 10 lbs and trim up the belly. I’ve already been asked 2x if I’m expecting again. Grr. Now I’m finding tops and dresses to disguise the belly. I still have to find work pants that fit. I’ve weeded out so much from my closet it looks empty! I’m still in bra limbo until my boobs settle out. I really wanna go shopping.

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