Since growing a human inside me, I have noticed some alarming changes in my body. You might think one would be prepared for massive changes to one’s body once having spawned offspring in one’s loins, but not me. I lived in a magical place for nine whole months. A magical place where fairies whispered in my ear every day, “Don’t worry – your body will snap right back to normal once you give birth!”
Lying damn fairies.
I’m 6-weeks out from having my baby and while I have dropped almost all of my pregnancy weight, there ain’t nothin’ “springing” back into anything. Things are wrinkly and sagging. Those stupid fairies didn’t tell me about the wrinkling and the sagging back when I was in that magical place for nine whole months.
The part that I’m weirded out by the most is that my body’s proportions seem to have changed. I’m curvier in places that I never used to be curvy. I couldn’t stomach the thought of taking pictures of myself, so I drew you illustrations instead.
Here are my proportions BEFORE I had the Mean Bean Who Took My Waistline:
I’m not talking about thin or fat here, I’m talking about shape. You’ll see that prior to the birth of the Mean Bean Who Took My Waistline, I did, in fact, have a waistline. And while my legs would never make the cover of Sports Illustrated, my thighs were at least proportionate to the rest of my body.
Now, my waistline seems to have taken a leave of absence. And my thighs? Well, they have aligned with my hips. My hips which widened in order to BIRTH A CHILD. Only, the Mean Bean Who Took My Waistline has been birthed and those hips don’t seem to have gotten the memo. Neither have my thighs. (And according to my drawing, I have also taken on a cowgirl stance? Not sure what that’s all about. I flunked art class.)
This has posed a real dilemma in my world. I have nothing to wear. Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking just what Chris said, “Don’t be so dramatic!” But this isn’t drama. This is reality. N-o-t-h-i-n-g fits me.
These are all my pants from before my pregnancy. Want to know how many of them fit me now? ZERO.
And my maternity clothes are finally too big. The shirts are all stretched out and the pants fall off of me (HALLELUJAH!). In fact, I got so tired of wearing huge clothes that make me look even bigger that yesterday I cleaned out my closet and packed up all my maternity clothes. This left a gaping hole in my wardrobe. Literally.
Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do. I must go shopping. (Sigh)
I must give up HOURS of my day to comb through racks of clothing. I must try on new shirts and skirts and pants and dresses. And I must accessorize. I can’t have a new wardrobe without the proper accessories. And I can’t have new accessories without having the shoes that match them, can I? And you know that people will talk about me behind my back if I don’t have the purses that match my new shoes.
Man. This is really going to be horrible. But I think I’m up to the challenge. I will rise to the occasion. And then I will hide all the receipts from Chris.
He’s never really been as selfless as me.