We’re in This Together. Now Leave Me Alone.
So. Last night I almost killed Chris. Again. I swear, that man is like a cat with nine lives given the number of times I threaten to end his life on a weekly basis.
But last night I was serious. Like totally.
Bean Man has decided that its fun to wake up from exactly 2:00 AM until 4:00 AM and scream. I keep trying to tell him to get a new game, but this one seems to be working for him so he doesn’t seem like he wants to give it up anytime soon. I won’t bore you with my parenting theories as to what the crap his little problem is, but the gist of it is that the dude is hungry for foooood. Not milk. He is hungry for steak and potatoes. Maybe some lasagna and garlic bread. Or some meatball grinders. With cheese fries.
Mmmmm….meatballs…..
Where was I? Ah, yes. Bean the Midnight Freak.
Bean is hungry for something more substantial than his formula, but he won’t eat solid food. This leaves us with a 2 hour window in the middle of the night. So, we’re working through these issues as best we know how. Which is parenting lingo for, “WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE’RE DOING.” I do know enough to know that we shouldn’t be giving him a bottle every night in the middle of the night because he’ll get used to the midnight buffet, like on a cruise ship. And the next thing you know he’ll be asking for an umbrella in his bottle and a washcloth shaped like a giraffe on his pillow at night.
Let’s not get ridiculous, Bean.
So, I have been fighting the urge to feed him. Instead, I try rocking him. Or I check his diaper. Or I put that damned binky back in his pie hole for the one millionth time. But mostly, I really think we need to let him cry this little phase out. He’s gotta break the habit, man.
BREAK THE HABIT, BEAN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BREAK THE HABIT!
Last night, we were listening to Bean wallow in his crib, shrieking and screaming and just generally pitching a royal tantrum. I had checked his diaper – all clean. I had given him some Tylenol in case it was his teeth. He had his teddy bear. He just needed to go to sleep. And I was prepared to wait him out.
But then Chris flipped out.
Really. I don’t know what happened or why last night suddenly triggered a hysterical reaction, but Chris flipped out. He started panicking as we laid in bed, side by side, both staring up at the ceiling.
“I don’t understand this. Why is he doing this? What can we do? I don’t understand. This isn’t normal.”
At this point, I was not aware of the level of hysteria that Chris was approaching, so I continued to lay there, trying to fall back asleep as hard as I could with a screaming infant across the hall. But Chris kept on talking. And he didn’t want to just talk about how to fix this immediate problem. He wanted to go into a lengthy discussion about our parenting styles and techniques. He wanted to ponder how we could approach this better and how we could work differently to meet Bean’s needs. He wanted to hold hands and sing songs until we both felt better about our place in this circle of love called parenthood.
All I wanted was for him to shut up.
I know that he was right. I know we needed to get a better game plan together because, clearly, the whole “let’s wing it tonight and hope Bean sleeps better” idea was not working. But did we have to come up with a game plan right then? At 2:45 in the morning? Wasn’t one whining baby enough for me to endure?
But rather than saying any of this, I simply laid very still. Maybe if I didn’t move, he would forget I was there. But this seemed to just piss him off even more. “Why won’t you talk to me about this? Why won’t you help me with this?” he insisted, sitting up straight in bed.
“BECAUSE ITS 2:45 IN THE MORNING, CHRISTOPHER. BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SCREAMING BABY. BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN HEAR MYSELF OVER THE SCREAMING BABY. BECAUSE ALL I WANT IS TO GO TO SLEEP. BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER SMOTHER YOU WITH A PILLOW RIGHT NOW THAN COME UP WITH A FRESH PARENTING STRATEGY.”
Harsh? Yes.
Unkind? Yes.
Did I feel guilty? Only a little.
That’s the thing about Chris and me though. We approach problems from two completely different perspectives. Chris wants to fix a problem the minute it comes up. He wants to hammer out the details, stop the leak, and move forward. But I need more time (and sleep…). I need to think through the situation. I need to reflect on why something didn’t work before I can jump to the next possible solution. And if you try to force me through a problem faster than I want to work through it?
Well…you better hope you’re wearing a cup.
I’m finding though that, as parents, Chris and I need to sync up a little more. I’m going to need to step up my game a little bit. I don’t have the leisurely time to analyze my way through situations before taking action anymore. Bean needs attention when he needs attention. Not once I figure out my strategy. But at the same time, Chris needs to slow the crap down. He needs to recognize that I don’t do well with 100’s of possible solutions being thrown at me at once. If he will take a breath once in a while and if I could move a little faster every now and then, we might actually meet in the middle somewhere and – gasp! – raise this child! What a concept.
It’s funny because you’d think after being together for 10 years, we’d have this little thing called “communication” down to a tee. But I’m finding that in good relationships, you should be evaluating and re-evaluating your communication styles fairly often. If you’re growing (or multiplying, as is our case) in your relationship, you should need new ways to communicate. When I stick my head in the sand and say, “This is how we’ve always done it,” that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Cause, quite frankly, Bean doesn’t really care how we communicate now or how we communicated then. The kid just needs some direction in his little, bitty life.
So, when we got home from work, Chris and I had an adult conversation about how to handle the night waking routine. We decided to keep Bean up longer, so we put him down at 9:00 tonight instead of 7:30. We decided to give him an extra bottle, so he had an extra dinner bottle (with a little cereal slipped in there just to make sure Bean was topped off before bed) right before I put him down.
But more than those problematic solutions, we decided to compromise a little bit. Chris would chill out a little more and I would move a little faster in the decision-making front.
Now, if I can just manage to not kill him in the next 24 hours, we might actually get some sleep around here…
35 Comments
Jenn
Poor you guys! Unfortunately Bean sounds totally normal for a baby of his age. I heard a great quote the other day: “Remember, you’re raising a human being, not managing an inconvenience”.
Oh..and you mentioned meatballs…why don’t you make some for Bean?? I just tried Daisy on some the other day. She loved them, and she’s not a big solids eater either.
Mandy
I’m all about some meatballs. You could always do them with ground turkey, too, to avoid having to also teach Bean to eat Tums.
For the record, when I want to smother my husband with a pillow, I just suggest that we play One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. See how fun that is?
Jen
I hope little bean -and you guys- get some much deserved rest tonite!
Kimberly Loomis
Cereal in the bottle at night. Dr. Brown brand bottles makes a nipple with a Y cut in it for just such a thing…you can make it good and thick and since they’re sucking on a bottle they don’t know they’re eating “solid” food so they don’t protest. Or you can just cut an x or y into any old bottle nipple yourself.
Works wonders.
And try oat cereal…it seems to fill baby tummies up for longer than rice.
Also, if you’re trying to let them cry it out and you can’t sleep, hop in the shower with all the doors between you and baby closed. you won’t hear a thing and when you come out you will either be pleasantly surprised that the crying has ceased or at the very least relaxed enough to deal with it better.
Last, but not least, white noise. a fan or an actual machine (target has them in the appliances section) is an amazing way to help littles to sleep and stay asleep. All mine have one and, if you’re worried about it, have also been able to fall asleep without it as well as they have gotten older.
Hope you get through this fire engulfed hoop soon! You can do it, and come out with every single family member alive…singed, maybe, but alive! I believe in you!
EmilyC
Sounds like you have come up with a good plan – hope it works!:)
Heather Ben
Totally there with the communication thing – we’ve been married for about 8 years and still don’t have it down. But –
you keep trying!
Good luck with Bean. I’ve been there and don’t have all the answers. He will make it through. I struggle with the food thing too by K-Bear. She totally skipped the baby food like Bean. Try Cheerios (regular, not Honey) or the puffs (I think Gerber?). Just watch with the cheerios at first – they are small but they get used to them. 🙂
Casey
My geez my kids haven’t been sleeping at all. They are 4 and 7. Have you given him the rice cereal in his bottle at night? Oh and in some of these pics Bean’s hair looks RED. My mom was feeding my kids way before they were supposed to. Make him some mashed potatoes see if he likes it.
Katie
WE JUST DID THE RICE CEREAL LAST NIGHT! Worked like a charm! Little Dude slept all the way through the night! 🙂
Casey
Way to compromise and way to sit down and think up a new plan. Let us know how the night went!
Tressa
Oh man. I hope things get better soon, for all three of you!
I’m sorry your going through this.
I have no suggestions, I have been out of the baby loop for WAY TO MANY YEARS! I would be cranky if I was hungry too. I would be even more cranky without sleep!! So I feel sorry for ALL OF YOU! 😉
kay
there are no absolute answers in the child rearing world or in the communication world. good luck in both!
Christina
I’m new to this blog (I’m really enjoying it by the way!) but I had to comment on this post. It sounds exactly like me and my husband on decisions. I in no way am competent to discuss life changing decisions at 2 a.m. but if the hubby wakes up with something he assumes I’m awake as well. I hope that you all had a more peaceful evening!
stacy
Found you through the Bloggie award site. Great Blog! Will go back and vote. And, with three boys, I can totally relate to the midnight cries for food. Their constant desire to eat has not slowed as they age but at least they aren’t getting up at night to stuff their face. Good luck!
Mel
Brings back the memories! We went through the same thing, but ended up having to do the opposite…our son wanted to go to be earlier. And the white noise suggestion from above…some of the best advice I ever received. We just found an old clock radio and set it to a staticy am channel. Now the kid can sleep though a rager right outside of his room. 🙂
On the husband front…I found the first year of our kid’s life to be the absolute hardest of our 12 years (omfg!) together..much harder than even our first year of marriage (which coincided with my first year of law school).
Sarah
All too familiar. I feel for ya Katie! Our little man had the exact same routine and we were just as clueless. Unfortunately I have to admit that we never won this game. Gianni: 365, Parents: 0…we just toughed it out for the first YEAR! Our boy finally started sleeping all night when he hit one. We listened to EVERYONE’S advice, and tried cereal in the bottle, extra feedings, a warmer room, letting him “cry it out”, a sound machine, a night light, and room darkening shades, a pillow, a stuffed animal–all to no avail. Time was the only thing that got us over the hump.
I’m sorry that I don’t have the magic fix, but do know that you are NOT the only parents to go through this…despite what other moms say. 🙂 Hang in there. ~Sarah http://www.capatosta.wordpress.com
Keri
Holy sh!t! I could have typed this post in reverse. (I’m the “what do we do, what do we do” and husband is the think it out). We are right there with the night wakings. PLEASE keep me posted. Not to scare, but I’ve tried the later to bed strategy and it was worse for us (every babe is different, so try it). Ped recommended a “dream feed” around 10pm…haven’t tried it, because COME ON she’s asleep then. Ours is BF, but she is eating solids. A friend said it might be just some crazy growth spurt/phase? A lot of friends are now telling me about similar 7-8 month sleeping horrors. We will get through this, we will get through this.
You’re doing a great job! I could have posted the same thing — but dang you are a better and funnier writer. Not to worry – I voted!
Katie
We did the later bedtime thing last night and that (along with the cereal in his last bottle) really helped. He made it from 9:00 PM until 5:00 AM. Much more doable. We did “dream feedings” when Bean was really little. We’d do one around 11:00 at night so that he wouldn’t wake us up in the middle of the night. You’d be surprised at how easy they are. I’d just creep in, stick a bottle in his mouth, and he’d drink until it was gone without ever opening his eyes. But I thought the same thing at first as you, “He’s SLEEPING and you want me to do WHAT?!?!?” Although, I don’t know how it will work with BF babies… Babies are so unique!
Holly your biggest fan
so, katie… its been awhile since i have commented… but i am sure you can overlook my sins because you are SO FREAKIN POPULAR these days and get fifty million comments…
anyways, i just have to tell you that i am glad that i am not the only person who
1. has these fights with my husband (cuz i am pretty sure you just said our fight verbatim)
2. shares them on the internet. so maybe i dont share EVERY fight we have, but i do share fight stories… i think its healthy. and now that i have your blog in my life, i feel this justifies my openness. i only wish you could read my blog like i read yours. *sigh*
hugs.
Sarah
So, my husband and I made a rule about 6 months into our first baby – no trying anything new in the middle of the night, no discussing parenting strategies or what we were doing in the middle of the night. That rule probably saved our marriage. We would decide things in the daytime, while we were reasonably rested and baby wasn’t screaming at us. Much better. Still married five years and 2 babies later.
Christine
OMG… brilliant post! The realities of being a parent…thanks for bursting my dream bubble! 🙂 Loving the positivity though, it’s very encouraging! 🙂
Clayvessel
As a mom of seven I can tell you that this kind of thing is one of many hurdles in establishing an understanding in a kid that he can’t always do whatever he feels like at the moment. That there are rules to life on earth, like “we sleep all night and don’t wake up to play or eat.” However you decide to handle it- rice cereal or crying it out, etc.- try to keep the long term goals in mind because once this one is jumped he’ll come up with another one.
earthtone
erm, your is seven and Beannie is …7 months?
Give in to the baby, Kaite. Whatever bean guy says. they know what they want. give it to them. If he needs an extra bottle, give it to him. They will outgrow phases. nobody wears diaper or uses a binky anymore by the time they get to high school. So dun worry about establishing bad habits. Trying to “train” or restrain an infant is too much work.
I breastfeed my girl and will feed her anytime on demand.It tires me to death but I’ll still do it. Hey, whatever the little one says. cos I believe they know best.
p/s ain’t no a boob nazi. my boy was bottle fed. and I followed his command too. he’s a fine 4yo now.
earthtone
oops, just realised I misread “mom of seven” as “mom of seven yo”. sorry!
Katrina
I Totally recommend the book “healthy sleep habits, happy child” I have heard nothing but good things about it, and so far it is working for us! =)
Hope he starts sleeping better soon!
Meghan
In regards to the binky, have you tried putting multiple ones in his crib so he can grab his own and put it back in himself? We’d hear Emmett (and now we hear Colin) wake up, find a binky and put it in, and go back to sleep. Definitely worth the extra investment in binkies!
Mom of 3
If you are tempted to get the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child please go to the Amazon page first and read some of the 1 star reviews and see if this is really what you want to do to your child. I think the “cry it out vs. don’t cry it out” debate is as devisive a topic as “breast vs. bottle” and “stay at home moms vs. working moms”. It’s a huge decision. On the other end of the spectrum is a book called “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by E. Pantley. It’s not as quick a fix but also doesn’t make you go against your “mommy instincts.” Hopefully he’s sleeping well again tonight and this is all moot.
Katie
I have to say, this is one of the most respectful differences of opinions I’ve gotten on my blog. Thanks for being so polite about an issue that, you’re right, is very touchy.
Dandy
I’m officially addicted to your blog. I’ve been away for a few months and now that I’m back I just can’t stop. And I want a baby. Sort of.
Keenan
Have you tried organic full fat yogurt right before bath/bedtime? After we stopped the bottles, we noticed Maddie was waking up in the middle of the night hungry. Like you said we didn’t want to start feeding her in the middle of the night so we started loading her up on yogurt before she went to bed. Just a suggestion. Good luck!
Katie
No, but its funny that you mention that because we tried yogurt for the first time this week and it was actually a big success (well…as big of a success with eating as Bean can have!).
Mrs. D
I just found your blog through The Startup Wife, and I am loving reading your posts! So sorry you and your family are having a tough time lately – I hope your solutions stopped the crying.
Liz M.
I have so been there with this, except we would put our 11 month old to bed and she would have eaten 2 jars of food plus a bowl of oatmeal, and some Cheerios and would still wake up hungry. Then she got hit with a cold and now we are back to normal sleeping through the night. It is a sucky phase that every kid seems to go through but it will get better! I am so glad the cereal in the bottle worked with a later bedtime, hopefully it is not a one time thing.
Goffer
I loved this post, but felt so bad for you! I’ve forgotten how bad things can get with the little ones. I used the rice cereal trick in the nightime bottle with them (way back in the 70’s!) and it worked! They are in their 30’s and this will help me get ready for the grandkids. Don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon since neither one are married. I also marrried my best friend and it is the best decision I ever made. He knows me at the best AND my worst. 30 years strong!
Kristin
Hi Katie, found you through PW’s post on the Bloggies (congrats, by the way!) and have been looking around… I just read this whole post out loud to my husband, who nearly fell out of his chair laughing. It could literally be any discussion he and I have, especially in regards to our own little man (4+ months). This whole marriage communication thing certainly is an ever evolving process, isn’t it? Thanks for the humor and common sense!
Melissa
Hi Katie!
First time reader of your blog and I just subscribed to your whole dang feed. Good stuff, girlie! By good stuff, I mean stuff I can relate to. I am a happily married mother to 2 1/2 year old, Jack. I was instantly carried back when I read this post. I remember so vividly the sleepless nights, the constant trial and error, and the disagreements that getting a kiddo to sleep can bring up. My breaking point came one eveing when after I reluctantly tried the cry it out method. Jack would sleep for about an hour then wake crying -ALL NIGHT LONG. We were miserable! We knew that he needed to learn how to both initially put himself to sleep and put himself BACK to sleep if he woke up. I wanted a practical solution that didn’t hurt my heart. Here’s what we came up with:
(I actually found an article from Parenting.com, and it worked like a charm. Can’t find the link, though.)
First, and this is the most important, I think: begin a solid bedtime routine before changing anything else about your nightime responses. Things like bathtime, soft music (we’ve had the same lullaby CD in Jack’s player since we began this techniue almost two years ago.), a book, then bed.
Second, put him in his crib sleepy, but awake. If he falls asleep during the nightime routine, rouse him a little but make sure he’s awake.
This is where the techniques start. Your child is going to cry during this process. I resigned myself to the fact that my child was dry, fed, and safe. He was crying because his routine was altered and that’s unsettling to a baby. It’s still hard a parent to hear it, but it is manageble (IMO) with this routine.
1. Put your sleepy baby (or wide awake baby as it sometimes happens) in his crib. Say your sweet good nights then LEAVE the room. More than likely he will begin to cry if he’s not used to being put in his crib awake.
2. Wait FIVE minutes before going back in. When you return to his room, soothe him in the crib. If he’s standing, lay him back down, rub his tummy, say good night, then LEAVE.
3. He will cry again. This time wait TEN minutes before returning and repeat the process of soothing, saying goodnight, then leaving – never removing him from his crib.
4. He will still be crying. Go in after FIFTEEN minutes and repeat the process.
5. Wait TWENTY minutes and repeat the process. From this point forward go in every twenty minutes and repeat the process until he stops crying. For our family it took almost two hours for him to go to sleep. But he slept through the night. If he wakes in the middle of the night, you let him cry for five minutes before checking on him, and then you begin the process of adding five minutes between each time you check on him. (Our son never did wake in the middle of the night. He does now, but he’s better at putting himself back to sleep so we don’t bother with the five, ten, fifteen minutes anymore. We wait about 30 seconds to a minute to see if he’ll put himself back to sleep and if he doesn’t we go in to see if he needs to potty.)
6. On night number two, you start the process with the bedtime routine, but don’t go in until 10 minutes of initial crying has passed. Then add five minutes each subsequent time.
7. The third night, you being with 15 minutes.
8. The fourth night and beyond, you begin with twenty minutes. It’s important to note here that by the third night, our child was asleep (for the night) after twenty minutes. Each night after that was easier and more peaceful. You can rest assured that this process may have to be repeated at least a few times during growth spurts, booster shot time, changes in seasons, etc. But it really worked for us and I’ve recommended it to three mommy friends who raved about its success in their families, too.
I was never going to be able to let my child scream and rave and sqauwk and carryon indefinitely. My blood pressure would rise, my temper would shorten, and I would be generally miserable. But this worked for us, because it allowed us to check on Jack, reassure him, and look forward to a restful night of sleep, too.
I hope you find a solution that works for YOUR FAMILY. That is the most important thing. Each family, couple, child is different, and you’ve got to figure out what you’re comfortable with and what is best for your family.
Good luck!