Things We Can Learn From Young Love
Occasionally, I get emails from readers who are in high school asking about my relationship with Chris when we were young. Most of the time, these emails are from readers who are getting ready to go off to college and they are worried about staying together with their boyfriend or girlfriend when they go to separate schools. This time of year, I get more of those emails as students begin to pack up and head off for their freshman year of college. Last week alone, I got four of these emails. When I started thinking about how to respond, I realized that so many of the things that helped Chris and I get through adolescence are principles that help us get through things in our marriage today.
Use words to communicate. When Chris and I went off to college after dating for two years in high school, we went to different universities and so we only saw each other once every two weeks or so. That meant that the majority of our relationship in college we communicated through the phone. I’m sure to a lot of high school and college students (and even older couples, too) that sounds horrific, but actually it was such a great lesson for us to learn at the beginning of our relationship. We were forced to communicate verbally with each other. If we were mad, we had to come out and say, “Hey! I’m mad at you for X, Y, and Z.” If we were frustrated or anxious or nervous about something, we had to come right out and say what was on our mind. It’s hard to play head games when you’re not face to face and so for the four years that we were in college, we had to learn how to just cut right to the issue. No head games, no guessing, no hinting. Just straight-talking. And that is something that we have used in our marriage, too. Being able to just come right out and say what we are thinking or feeling helps us get through rough times even today. And those times (like in the last few months) when we stop talking openly with each other, our relationship feels that stress. So, if you’re in the position of long distance dating in college or even if you’ve been married for 20 years, hone in on your communication skills. They are one of the most important skill sets you will use in your relationship.
Never hold the other one back. When Chris and I went off to college from high school, the mantra that we constantly repeated to each other was, “Never hold the other one back.” We knew that we were getting ready to enter a whole new phase of our live and our relationship and that we would each be experiencing new things. What we didn’t want to do was hold the other back from those adventures and learning experiences. We felt like the worst thing that could happen was that we would be in our thirties or forties down the road and suddenly realize how much we missed out on because of our partner. That kind of regret and resentment can really harm a relationship and a marriage. So, we wanted to make sure that we were allowing each other to live full lives that were, sometimes, independent of each other. Today in our marriage, we still use this principle. That meant that when Chris was in grad school and he was spending long hours away from me, I tried the best I could to not complain or make him feel guilty. I wanted him to have the full experience of grad school and not worry that he had an angry wife waiting at home. Right now Chris is supporting me while I think about a new career path that might impact our whole family. Though we will have to adjust as a family, Chris keeps telling me that I need to do what I feel led to do and that whatever happens he and Bean will be there for me. The reason that Chris and I are able to have these experiences and make these decisions is because we trust that the other person is always going to put our family first. So, I can fully support whatever Chris wants to try next because I know that he will be putting our family first in any decision that he makes. That’s where trust becomes so important in a marriage and in a relationship – whether you’re in high school or whether you’ve been married for 50 years. When you trust your partner, you feel more comfortable supporting them in areas outside of your relationship because you know how important your relationship is to them. That is an important lesson to learn at any age.
Don’t force it. This is the one that a lot of younger couples have a hard time with because they are so afraid of losing their relationship. And that’s not just a fear for young couples. A lot of couples live with that worry. I have seen it especially in newlyweds, too. There is the image and the ideal relationship that we are supposed to be living and with that comes the tendency to grab on to our own relationships with a death grip and force that perfection. That might work for some people, I suppose. But I’m here to tell you that another option for a healthy, happy relationship is to just relax. Sure, you work hard on your relationship. You make it a priority. But then at some point you have to just relax and trust that it’s all going to be okay. The fact is, if it’s meant to be, nothing is going to stop it. So, build a strong relationship and continuously work to make it better, but don’t worry so much about how it’s all going to end. Just enjoy the ride that you’re on. As a high school or college student, that might mean letting go and dating other people for a while – Chris and I did that. It’s part of learning who you are as individuals and what you want your future relationship to look like. As an adult couple or married couple, that might mean lowering your expectations a bit as to what a successful relationship looks like. Does a successful relationship have to be happy all the time? Not really. Do people in a successful relationship have to like each other all the time? I hope not, cause otherwise Chris and I are in some serious trouble! Don’t force your relationship. It will happen with or without your force. Just do what you can to build a successful environment for that relationship to grow in, say a LOT of prayers, and then let it all go.
Expect change. People ask me a lot how it feels to be with the same person that I grew up with. Does that get boring? Doesn’t that feel routine? I answer that question the same way every time it’s asked. Chris and I have changed so much over the years that it doesn’t even feel like we’re in the same relationship anymore. And I mean that in the best way possible. Sure, I sometimes get glimpses of high school Chris or sometimes I’ll see something that reminds me of college with him. Just the other day I saw a couple at a restaurant kissing at their table and I smiled as I remembered kissing Chris across many restaurant tables after being apart for two weeks in college. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks and I just couldn’t stop kissing him! That is so different than how we are today. We’ll hold hands and maybe kiss goodbye, but we’re not really a PDA kind of couple now. We don’t have to be. We get to go home and kiss all we want! And that’s a very different aspect of our relationship now than before. If Chris were to lean over during dinner out somewhere and passionately kiss me, I’d die laughing and then I’d die again of embarrassment. But, we’ve changed. We’re different now than we were then in so many ways. And that is a really great thing because it means we are growing as a couple. If you take a good look at your relationship now and in two years you look back and you don’t see any differences – good or bad – then you’ve got some problems. Relationships are fluid. They change. And when we fight against that change, we only hold ourselves back from all the incredible places that growth could take us. So, if you’re going off to college with your boyfriend or girlfriend and you are clinging desperately to the relationship you had in high school, that is just a recipe for disappointment. Instead, be prepared to change and be excited about it! And the same lesson can be learned by couples of any age. Chris and I are going through a major change in our relationship right now – we’re in the middle of it! And though it is really hard to get through and it takes a lot of extra attention at this point, I’m learning to be excited about what all this growth and change will mean for us.
Some of the most basic principles that Chris and I have built our marriage on were things we learned in the very beginning of our relationship, when we were just a couple teenagers trying to figure it all out. So, don’t let anyone tell you that you are too young – or too old, for that matter – to build a solid relationship. Relationships change and grow at all different ages and every step we go through as a couple only builds a stronger foundation for the next phase.
38 Comments
Jessica @ How Sweet
This is such great advice. Especially ‘using words.’ I think today so many people communicate through texting and email that once they get in front of each other, it’s impossible to have a real conversation.
Heather in ND
Thanks for this, Katie. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and these tips are good to consider for me! I’ll have to read this to him, too because I think there’s stuff he can take out of it as well.
I can’t wait to read your book eventually!
Kendra
Katie… you are such a wealth of knowledge. This is all great advice. My husband and I did the long distance thing for awhile and the communication via phone was so important to us. I think it has helped us today to have a better marriage.
Alaina
Since T and I started off kind of long distance, I totally agree with the whole using words thing. We communicated via the phone and email for basically our first year, so I definitely agree that having that as a basis for your relationship and in establishing effective communication can be amazing for your relationship. Great advice!
Michelle
I was very happy that you wrote this entry. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I are entering our senior year of college and the future is very unclear, and it worries me a bit. Neither of us know what is going to happen next. Grad school? Getting a job? Living together? Engagement? Going to different grad schools? What if I get an opportunity to work somewhere amazing, but it is far away from where he gets accepted to school? It is all very confusing and scary. I’ve always been one who has my life planned out and I tend to look into the future more than in the present, and I’m trying to work on that. All this uncertainty is making for a bit of stress on our relationship at the moment, but this entry has helped me believe that we can work through it and it will all be just how it is suppose to. Thank you!
Meredith
I was in your exact position just 2 years ago. We had been dating since Freshman year, and going into senior year he was applying to grad school, I was applying to jobs. I remember thinking your exact thoughts; what happens if he gets into grad school in California and I find my dream job in Boston? What would we do? (and grad school for him is a PhD program, so 5-ish years). Also, if I decide that I’ll move/ he’ll move wherever the other finds employment/ is accepted, what does that mean for our relationship? It’s a BIG risk/ sacrifice to follow someone somewhere simply to be with him/ her without any sort of long-term committment (ie marriage). I found it to be a really stressful and uncertain time. I really can’t offer you advice as everyone is different and every relationship is different. All I can say is really try to relax and enjoy your senior year of college. It was easily the best of the 4. I stressed and stewed over all of this for months, but since he didn’t hear about acceptances until March, it was needless stressing. So relax and enjoy yourself.
Katy @MonsterProof
I did not marry my home-town boyfriend, but I actually felt the distance of college made us much closer. It gave us the time to have real discussions, rather than always be “doing” something.
carolyn
I was just taking to a friend yesterday about the difficulties of taking a relationship from high school to college. I am definitely going to pass along this post. Your timing couldn’t be better!
Life of a Doctor's Wife
Excellent, heartfelt advice. I was especially touched by the last point about expecting change. That’s so important and so easy to forget… Sometimes you just fix a certain time in your head and it’s hard to accept that that time has passed. But if you expect change and embrace it… well, that seems like a recipe for happiness rather than disappointment.
Lisa
Well put Katie. Totally agree with using your words to communicate, definitely an excellent tool to carry into your marriage! I’m pretty sure the relationship with my high school boyfriend didn’t last even through our first year of university because we did not communicate as we should have. Long distance relationships can be tough, but as long as two people are willing to maintain an open and trusting relationship, it should hopefully work for the best!
Jenny J.
Great advice for you to give, I feel many of those have helped my husband and I during the 3 1/2 years we were living apart for school. (Before we were married) Your plain honesty in what you write on this site is what will make your book so amazing.
Kattrina
That was a great post. Marriage can be so hard and it’s even worse when you constantly compare your marriage to the “ideal” marriage. Even in my short three months of marriage, I’ve realized that people hold you up to such high standards and compare your marriage to theirs and everyone’s marriage is different. I married someone from Honduras and there are SO many things that differ than a “standard” American marriage. His entire idea of marriage is different and we have to spend SOOOO much time just talking about what marriage means to us and figuring it all out – otherwise we find ourselves mad for what always ends up being a complete misunderstanding. I’m trying really hard to just have “my” marriage and not think about what a perfect marriage is. What works best for me is not what works best for my sister, my mother, my friend, etc. It’s a hard line to walk but I think in the end it will all work out.
Jen at Cabin Fever
What a great post. I think almost every single high school student deals with this at some point! I know I did…
When I was heading off to college my high school boyfriend was horrified. My school was 600 miles away and I knew that would be tough on our relationship. But yo know… it wasn’t meant to be. College changed me (and he had a hard time accepting that) He tried to force the relationship and I didn’t so I broke it off. It wasn’t the end of the world for either of us… because what is meant to be is meant to be.
The man I am married to is a firefighter paramedic and he works 36-48hrs at a time on a rotating schedule. I work 24 hours at a time so sometimes we don’t see each other more than once or twice a week (and we may not be awake for a good portion of that little bit of time we’re together) So in our marriage we have had to have really strong communication and take advantage of our time together. Its actually fun! When we are finally home together it is almost like a vacation because it feels like we haven’t seen each other in so long. Then we do fun things like a “date night” or going out to eat. When we are apart we talk/text all the time. Sometimes I feel like we are in high school, despite being 25 and 30, by how often we call “just to say I was thinking about you.” By being open, honest, tolerant a relationship can get through most anything!
Cabin Fever in Vermont
Dana
As always, awesome post! As a military wife, we have lots of periods of long distance. These are such great insights! Thanks so much for sharing.
Sarah H.
WONDERFUL!!! I love the part about when people ask you if it’s boring to be with the same person. People used to ask me that ALL the time in college (not so much after we were married, but some still can’t understand 12.5 years of being together at age 27). And I totally agree with your response–we’ve changed so much! We’re just very lucky that we changed together, in the same direction! I LOVE that relationships are fluid. It’s the relationships where you always fall into the same role (sometimes people can do this with a parent, sibling, or friend too) that can have a lot of trouble.
Rachel P.
My husband pointed out last week as he was looking through my college scrapbook there weren’t too many occasions of us together unless we were “out on the town” together. He asked what we would tell our kids…my response was we didn’t hold each other back in college. We did our own thing and we had our own friends, but when it’s all said and done we were together. We built a great relationship over the years! Great advice for those just beginning that journey!
Cassi@Miles from Suburbia
I agree with this advice completely. As we grow up and change, it’s very easy to grow apart. Growing together is a little more difficult, but worth the effort. Having open communication is definitely the key to growing together.
I also have to agree with Rachel P. Being able to do your own thing is also extremely important in my relationship. The hubs and I are each fiercely independent people, and could never happily exist in a co-dependent, clingy relationship. Doing our own things separately somehow helps us to focus more intensely on the things we want to build together. I think it’s a combination of respect for each other’s needs, and respect for ourselves.
I should also add that I had to dump my high school boyfriend during our first semester of college (different schools) because he became waaaaay too clingy!
Erin
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and advice. My relationship is going through a weird patch as well (we’re moving in together in 3 weeks) and it’s good to hear someone say “get a grip and work on it together” (or at least that’s what I got out of it). It’s hard for us to accept, sometimes, the quirks and personality differences that make each of us ourselves.
Bridget
Katie, this advice is so spot on. I started dating my now live in boyfriend almost nine years ago, when he was a junior in high school and I was a senior. We always decided we would keep doing it as long as it was what made us happy, and I went to school in Massachusetts while he went off to school in Maryland. For five years, we dated across 450 miles, but I honestly think it was the best thing for us because we had to learn to talk to one another and we had to really want it to make it work. It also allowed us to lead separate happy lives. So often I saw my friends at co-ed schools (I went to a women’s college) social lives explode because they split with their significant other. When he and I did break up for a while, which we did, it wasn’t catastrophic to our individual lives, and allowed us to realize that we wanted to be with each other so much more.
Thanks so much for your honesty!
Jessica
My fiance and I are high school sweethearts and did the long distance thing through most of college…I could not have said it better than how you described ‘young love’ relationships. I def see a change in both of us since we first met– and even now, as we just moved in together (last week! haha), I already see our relationship growing and changing and gaining new challanges but also new adventures!
I love that we’ve grown and changed together- it’s a very rare and amazing thing 🙂
Jordy
Thanks for more great advice… I left you some love on my blog post today! 🙂
http://www.jordyliz.com/2010/07/were-normal-i-think.html
Darcy
I think the “don’t force it” message is so helpful here. And to add to it, know when to let go and be brave enough to realize that letting go will be good for both of you.
I remember when I was younger the thought of losing my boyfriends was horrific and so I sacrificed what I wanted and my happiness to stay with them. I saw my friends doing the same and making really poor decisions.
If I could go back and give my former self advice on relationships, it would definitely be to let go of some people sooner than I did because when you finally do end up with the right person, there’s no need to force it or compromise yourself.
Katie M
Aw once again, Love-Guru Katie B saves the day! Thanks for all the tips… relationships are hard! And although everyone KNOWS the formula (kinda like eating right and exercising, BLAH!), we all need little pick me up reminders every once in a while, so thanks for the reminders! Now I’ma go love on my man! =)
Christina C.
Thanks so much for this post, my boyfriend and I have been dating since high school and these lessons are so true of us as well. I completely understand what you mean by the idea that you aren’t dating the same person or that you don’t have the same relationship. I feel that way too!
Megan
As always Katie…very well said. And I loved that at the very top was COMMUNICATION! It’s not always easy but it plays such a huge roll in a relationship.
Megan
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
allison
I love this post! My boyfriend and I have been together since high school and we made it through 4 years of long distance (he went to school 7 hours away and I went somewhere close to home). To go along with what you said about communication…Definitely talk on the phone, or even use video chat! We wrote each other letters and I used to love getting mail and an occasional package. It really helped me get through each semester. The longest we went without seeing each other was 3 months. To anyone going to college–it can work, but like Katie said, just don’t force it! Thanks for another great post!!!
Megan (Best of Fates)
I love the advice about change – but more, I’m going to spend this comment talking about me.
Me me me.
Because I’m sure you’ve been aching with my absence.
Crying out in pain. Wailing in the night. Sobbing all the live long day.
It’s been tough without me, I’m sure.
But it’s okay now. Because I’m back.
I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself.
Better yet?
Good.
I feel we’re going to find that this time apart has only brought us closer.
Don’t you?
Michaela
‘The fact is, if it’s meant to be, nothing is going to stop it. So, build a strong relationship and continuously work to make it better, but don’t worry so much about how it’s all going to end. Just enjoy the ride that you’re on. ‘
This is one thing I just keep repeating and repeating to people. And I love how you put it. It is so true- just the other night I was talking to my partner about how our relationship hasn’t always been easy- we’ve been together through big transitional phases, serious illness, and a lot of growing up and changing- but through all of that, the decision to BE together was always easy. No matter what has been thrown at us, no matter the fights, and the days we don’t like each other, the question of whether to keep working with it isn’t a question. And I’m so grateful for that. Double the joys and halve the sorrows and all that. 😀
mm
I’m so glad that you put communication on there, and that it was first! That is really the biggest thing. My husband and I were not high school sweethearts, but we met right as we were graduating from our respective colleges (in different states), and he was being commissioned in the Air Force and going to pilot trainig. I was graduating and looking for jobs. We dated long distance for 2 years (never closer than a 7-hour drive). We spent MANY long hours on the phone during those years, but we’ve now been happily married for 4 years and our ability to communicate and talk to each other about everything is something we are frequently thankful for.
YoungMarriedMom
Great advice that we can never hear enough! I think my husband and I were pretty good at really talking about things we needed to discuss when we were dating and while we were engaged. But nine months into our marriage, I’m realizing how much more important–and sometimes harder!–this is to do now that we live together and spend so much more time with one another. Feeling comfortable in that way can make it trickier to have those much-needed conversations, but it is always, always worth it.
I also really appreciate your last comment, that age in a relationship isn’t as important as the ability to grow and change. I think the best gauge of a good, healthy relationship is whether the people in it bring out the best in one another, and you can’t do that unless you continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. Well said, Katie! Thank you!
Heather M
Due to time zone differences and thousands of miles distance my husband and I started our relationship and maintained it for over a year my email. Literally hundreds of letters to each other on a variety of subjects. One of the favorite things we did and still do to this day (even though we are now happily living together) is we would compile a ‘Morning Paper’ email. We’d cut and paste articles that interested each of us and send it to the other – then we discuss the articles. This would range from politics to art & literature. I loved this.
We got to know each other in a rather lovely ‘old fashioned’ manner for a couple in today’s world. Today we still write to each other – we can’t not do that – it is so much a part of our history. The impassioned letters of several years ago have mellowed from our angst at being apart but the warmth and love remains 🙂
Kate G.
I love the communication advice! My husband and I were long distance the entire time we were dating, engaged and the first four months of marriage and I can tell you – all of those phone conversations definitely helped build the strong relationship we have now. Everyone says communication is key. And everyone is right! Love hearing your story!
Caitlin Brown@ A Simple Girl
great, great, great post. and all so very true 🙂
wwww.simplegirlconfessions.blogspot.com
Carrie
Very well said! The complexity of marriage is a thing why many people are having second thoughts in getting married. Before entering marriage life, one must always consider readiness in terms of emotional, mental, financial and spiritual as well.
Laura
Katie, awesome advice. It applies to everyone, no matter how far the distance! I think it’s so interesting how your relationship has evolved, I see the exact same thing happening in my relationship. We are changing as people, but we’re on this journey together so we’re there to support each other.
pam-tastic
Great advice…but not just for couples that married young I think it applies for others too. Getting married in your late 30’s is also tough. You get so set in your ways and you when you say XYZ you “think” it means one thing but to another person who is equally set in their ways they “think” it means ABC. Moral of the story: you can never communicate enough…and don’t ever stop…no matter your age or length of relationship.
ps…jewelry ALWAYS helps me communicate better – I’m just sayin’… 🙂
Kristen Boysen
TOTALLY agree with those! This applies so well to so many different situations!
Your blog is so great. Thanks for your “support” and honesty.
Angela
And this is why I’m addicted to your blog.
Best post ever.