Marriage and a New Baby
Chris and I have been fighting. We’re not big fighters usually. We disagree and we argue like anyone else, but we don’t get into fights very often. Especially in the past couple years. We know each other and what our sensitivities are and we have a pretty routine, predictable family life. There’s just not that much to fight about anymore.
Enter a new baby.
We are going through the transition right now, though, that I remember going through with Bean, too. It’s the transition and reorganizing that comes with adding a person to your family. Suddenly, household responsibilities are changing. Needs are changing. Demands are changing. And in the middle of all that change, Chris and I are still trying to keep things as normal as possible for Bean Man.
And we’re doing all of that on minimal sleep.
Fun times.
Turns out that Miss Gracie is a demanding little diva. She’s been fussy in spurts and, unfortunately, those spurts are usually in the middle of the night. I don’t blame her. Being a newborn is hard work, man! You’ve got to get control of those pesky arms that continue to flail and somehow manage to find their way out of even the tightest swaddle. Add that to your already hard schedule of learning to eat and poop and do just about everything, and well…it’s a full day.
But you can’t blame Gracie for being a baby. There’s also the fact that we haven’t had a newborn around for quite some time. As much as we remembered from when Bean was born, there is really nothing that prepares you for living la vida newborn. Each baby is their own individual, unique person, so having Gracie as a newborn is very different than having Bean as a newborn. And regardless of how many babies you already have, learning to care for and love your new baby is a big job.
And on top of those things, I’m staying home for a while and Chris is working. That’s a big change in our dynamic. Chris comes home at the end of the day tired and ready for a break. And by the time he gets home from work, I’m tired and ready for a break, too. It’s not that Chris’s day is more or less stressful than my day and it’s not that one of us is doing something more important than the other. It’s just a different routine and one that leaves both of us tired and cranky at the end of the day.
So, when our middle of the night rendezvous with Gracie keep us up for the few hours of sleep we might actually get, both of us are frustrated and tired. And since it’s just the two of us standing there, we take it out on each other.
In the heat of battle, it’s easy to point fingers and lay blame on each other, but the truth is that it’s neither of our faults. We’re just tired. And we’re adjusting. We’re in the middle of a transition and a major change. And if the past year has taught me anything about change, it’s that sometimes you have to take a step back in order to take two steps forward. So, that’s where we are. We’ve taken a big, giant step back and, frustrating as it might be, we’re getting through it because we know the two steps forward will be here before we know it.
13 Comments
Jen at Cabin Fever
Any change is tough and a whole new bouncing babe is certainly a big change! Like any new parents, even the second time around, you’ll hit your stride soon enough. You’ve been through tougher 🙂 Cabin Fever in Vermont
Sara @ embrylovescookies
Ahh yes, good times. My husband and I used to argue over who was more tired! 🙂 There’s no winners in that one.
Alaina
Change accompanied with very very little sleep and even less time together…I can’t imagine. But I have no doubt that you and Chris will come out stronger because you both are amazing parents and have such a beautiful family. Hopefully sleep will come soon for both of you!
momiss
Look at it this way. Kids put you under so much stress that you tear each other’s head off occasionally. AFTER the kids get a little bigger, then the memory of just how bad it COULD be keeps you from doing it again (pretty much) and is a new bond of respect between the two of you. It’s all completely normal, rest assured.
Katy @ MonsterProof
Good luck! Hope ya’ll get some sleep and routine soon! So nervous about this!
Lori @ I Can Grow People
It is amazing what lack of sleep does to a person and a marriage. Things get rough! But as you know, it is all temporary 🙂
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
I wish I had a nugget of wisdom here for you but nope, I’ve got nothin’. Although that Rodney Atkins song based on the Churchill quote “If You’re Goin’ Through Hell” comes to mind. 😉
SushiMama
I love your perpective on all of this- I think sometimes acknowledging that you’re adjusting and neither is wrong is half the battle. Thanks for your honesty, and I hope you both get some Zzzzs soon!
Jen @ Caved In
Mike and I were together for 10 years before having Sullivan and we fought more in the first 2 months than in the rest of our relationship. Unfortunately he thought it was the easiest thing in the world to stay at home with a newborn and ppd. It got ugly. Real ugly. We got through it and I know you and Chris will make it through as well. You two have a strong marriage and a great history. This will just make it stronger. Tell youself that instead of throwing things at him 🙂
Mommy, Esq.
You touch on this in your subsequent post but one way that we got comfortable with the changing dynamic was to let it go. Letting go the dinner preparation, the laundry, anything that wasn’t immediately needed. I would just pretend (and still do) not to see piles of stuff everywhere or resent pulling clean dishes out of the dishwasher. The other thing I’m always focusing on (mentally and verbally for my husband’s benefit) is that we are a team and that our goal is our family and who does what is not part of that equation. We just play to our strengths (or really, “who hates it less”) and go with that approach, not keeping score. I would say I have a crazy “oh my God, our life is out of control/what a mess/what a long list” about once every three months and otherwise just shelve it in favor of hanging out with Husband on the couch after the kids are in bed. By the way, my youngest did this starting around 8 weeks and it took about a month but she grew out of it.
Kat
This is so true. Jon and I are going through this right now with the baby. The important thing is that we’re talking about it.
Erin
Right there with you! My son is 2 months old and last week decided it was a good idea to scream from 1-5pm everyday. Nothing makes him happy. My husband gets home at 530 and just couldn’t get why the house was a sty and his wife was a crazy lady. Because at that point the baby would be angelically sleeping. I almost would pick fights with him out of frustration also. We are in the take a step back phase. luckily he saw first hand the afternoon crazies this weekend and I saw that his work just sucks right now. Good luck and your not alone!! Sorry for any bad grammar or spelling, it’s 4am and I have had no sleep! Yay Babies!
HeatherM
Hi there- everything changes when you aren’t getting enough sleep, and even more so when a new baby is added to that mix. But don’t forget the #1 rule everybody tells new moms: you sleep when the babies sleep. In particular, if you are capable of napping, take a snooze while the little ones nap. Then you might be a little refreshed and less cranky when your hubby gets home and is exhausted. Think of it as making up for the sleep your baby is stealing from you in the middle of the night… or choosing to be rested and pleasant instead of having a clean house and be crabby. Anyway, it’s just a thought. But I do want to say that I admire your ability to talk so openly about these challenges you face.