Happiness and the Rearview Mirror
Ever since Chris started graduate school at Yale, I’ve had this sticker on the back of my car. It’s a simple sticker that says, “Yale University.” At first, it was a badge of honor because I thought it was so cool to actually know someone who went to Yale. After the novelty of the school wore off, I kept it on my car because I was so proud of Chris for what he had accomplished. When he graduated and started working in New York, we kept our connection to Yale through my job there, and that sticker was no longer a symbol of Chris, but of my own ties to Yale. When we moved to Florida, I debated about taking the sticker off, but decided to leave it on for nostalgic reasons. Every time I backed my car up, I’d see that sticker in my rearview mirror and I would remember that wonderfully happy time in our lives.
I took the sticker off this weekend.
Looking in that rearview mirror every day kept me in the past. Every time I looked at that sticker, it was because I was backing up. Sometimes it was backing up my car, and sometimes it was backing up emotionally. I’d look at that sticker and think about all the things I didn’t have in my life anymore. The people who we came to love at Yale, the house that became our first home, the jobs that started out our career paths, the seasons that gave us so much happiness…all of it. Every time I saw that sticker in my rearview mirror as I backed up, I’d mentally and emotionally back up a little bit, too.
This week, I was backing my car out of my parking spot at school after a particularly rewarding day of teaching that made me both proud and happy to be a teacher. I glanced at the sticker and thought to myself, “Oh! That’s still on there?” I couldn’t remember the last time I had noticed it. Probably not for months. “I should probably take that off,” I thought.
Just like that. I should just take it off.
In the past year, we have been establishing ourselves where we wanted to be in Orlando. We’ve built a life that not only satisfies me the way that our life in Connecticut had, but goes beyond that and makes me feel complete and whole. I can’t imagine my life being anywhere but here. I know where my kids are going to go to school in a couple years. I wake up every morning and drive to a job that fulfills me in ways I didn’t even know needed fulfilling. I come home to a family that is funny and happy and energetic and exhausting and constantly keeping me on my toes. I lay down at night beside the one person in the whole entire world that could give me this life. I can honestly say that I have never been this happy in my life.
You should see my house right now. It is a disaster zone. (I say that like that’s a change from the normal, every day state of my house…) But you know what I did today? I went on a glass bottom boat tour with my mom, my best friend, my grandma, and my two kids. We came home to the hustle of bath times and bedtimes and Sunday evening chores to get ready for the week. And as I sit here now, my house is finally quiet and the rush of the day is calm and if I had to give one word to my day after all that chaos it would be “happiness.” Just pure happiness. Happiness that I got to spend the day with three generations of women, all who have inspired me in ways I don’t even think they know. Happiness even though the kids were tired and grumpy when we got home and fought bedtime hard core. Happiness even though I got absolutely nothing done that I needed to for this upcoming week. Happiness even when I’m exhausted and feel like I need another weekend to recover from this weekend. It is all just happiness to me.
Running has been an unexpected joy in my life, but I think it is really the sign of something much deeper happening to me right now. With every step I run, with each early morning I rise, with each mile I clock, I am doing something that brings me happiness. For a long time, happiness was situational for me. I was happy when things were happy around me. But something in the past four or five months has shown me how to live in a state of happiness, even during times that may not necessarily be happy. On work days when I feel ineffective in the classroom, I still feel happy in my career. On days when dinner is late to the table and kids are crying and dogs are barking and Chris texts to say he hasn’t even left the office yet, I still feel happy. I feel other things that sometimes dull that happiness – frustration or exhaustion or anger – but at the end of each day, there is always happiness.
Deep, deep down in my soul there is happiness now.
Turns out, I don’t need to be constantly reminded about specific times in my life that have made me happy. I don’t need a sticker in my rearview mirror to remind me of happy days. That happiness is inside me. It goes with me. It’s there on good days and on bad days and every day in between. And when it is that prevalent in my life, when I don’t need reminders or moments that show me how happy I am, when it just comes that naturally from inside, then it’s time to take down that sticker.
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22 Comments
Bronwen@Bronwenreads
This makes me so happy!!
Brandie
Thank you for this. New places, new jobs, new situations can be rough, but your post made me smile and gives me hope. Thank you!
Katy @ MonsterProof
This is so reassuring, and I’m so happy FOR you. I’m grateful that you have taken us on this journey that you have been through of uncertainty, blooming, and now enjoying today.
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
Its so rewarding to see the light at the end of the tunnel does come true! I’m working to find those things that bring me happiness and its very inspirational to see that you can get there and thus I can get there. Go You Katie!
laurenbtrain
Such a great post and your joy is conveyed through your words. Last week in church, I cant remember exactly what was said, but it was along the lines of there is a reason why the windshield is large and the rearview mirror is tiny and its hard to turn around to get a good view back. Basically a reminder that the Lord doesn’t want us necessarily to forget the past but to fix our eyes on whats ahead. It was such a sweet reminder for me just as your post was!
Katie M
Beautiful post and very well written. I’m having a hard time right now in our stage of life being happy with everything internally, so thanks for the reminder.
It looks like you’ve finally bloomed where you planted! =) Congratulations!
Meredith
Well my goodness. I know you LOVED LOVED LOVED your life in Connecticut. And then you moved back to FL and it sort of fell apart (massive understatement). But now… you seem more joyful and happy and at peace than you have in such a long time. I’m so happy for you; that you’ve built the life you wanted in FL, that you’re family is healthy and safe, that your parents/ the kids grandparents are so close and are a big part of your kid’s lives, that you’ve found a new career that brings you fulfillment and joy. To hear that you can look back on your time in CT with fondness but not longing is incredible. Congratulations!
Ginny
Your happiness amplifies my own! Just knowing how far you’ve come in your own state of happiness puts a smile on my face. You happiness is contagious and I couldn’t be happier for you!
Jen @ Ginger Guide
It’s so amazing to see you finally in this place. Following your journey from Bean, to the move, Gracie, and beyond I was tearing up reading this. I’m so so so happy that YOU are happy. And lord help me, you’ve inspired me to start running so if you hear a lot of cursing coming from the general direction of Saint Louis, you know why.
Sharilyn
Katie, I don’t think that is happiness. I think that is JOY. And it is way better.
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
So happy for you. God works wonders, doesn’t He?
Sharlee@believinginsomething
Excellent post, Katie! I adore it. I am very inspired by this post–thank you for sharing. I want to cut out the last portion of this post and hang it on my mirror! Very well written and beautifully done.
Rachel @ The Ongoing Planner
Go Katie! It is so awesome that you are so happy! That is so important. Now if I could just get the whole job fulfillment thing to work out I’d be there too!
Chloe
This is so wonderful! So much hope comes through from this post, comparing it to your posts when you first moved to Florida. It’s such a lovely testament. I’m so happy for you and thankful for your lovely testament.
Jen from happy.lovely.journey
You are amazing Katie. That’s all I have to say.
Kat
I feel this way about running as well – it centers me, releases endorphin, makes me feel like I am doing something for me. It makes me happy.
Calypso
Well done..
Jessica
What a great message!! Thanks for sharing. It helps me put things in perspective. 🙂
lifeloveandlydia
This post makes me so happy because you are happy. You deserve it! 🙂 I have to say that since I have started running, I realize why people do it. It really makes my day so much better and starts it off right.
Lisa @ Wealth O' Health
This post is awesome. I am sending you an internet hug because there are emotions expressed in a big hug that words just can not satisfy.
amanda h
Beautifully written. I want to get to that place. I know it will happen.
Alex
Just coming back from my maternity leave and back to read your blog during my office lunch time. I missed you really and reading this post made me remember why I missed reading you. So grounded person you are. What a great place in your life, you are happy and you feel complete, and that is such a hard place to get in general. Interestingly enough, now that I became a mother myself I feel I am getting so close to that state of happiness even when the bed is not made every day or dishes are in the sink…. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.