I’ll Bloom Soon, Dammit.

We all survived our first week of school!  The kids LOVE their teachers, which is really great to hear.  They come home every day bursting to tell us about things that happened in their classrooms.  The first ten minutes I pick them up from aftercare is so chaotic because they talk right over each other telling me all about school.  That is a huge blessing for any parent – to know that your kids are happy all day.  Can I get an “Amen” for all those elementary teachers out there who meet so many, many needs in the classroom every day.

My school has been going good, too.  I really love it.  The kids are fantastic, I love the administration, the faculty is really high energy and engaged – it’s just going to be a great place for me, I can already tell.

But.

But I’m still new.  I don’t have many friends there yet and I spend most of my days alone (well, except for the 130 8th graders who keep me company…).  Lunch buddies take time to form.  As do those special work friends who you can just give a certain look to and they know what you are talking about.  Those relationships take time to form.  And I know that.  But it doesn’t make eating lunch by yourself any easier.

And Chris and I are just not in sync right now.  I don’t know what’s up.  We aren’t fighting or arguing or anything.  But we are just kind of… roommateish.  And then I get mad at him because he isn’t trying hard enough and then he gets mad at me because I’m getting mad at him.  So he stops trying because I’m mad.  And then I get mad at him for not trying…  And round and round we go.  If I’ve learned anything about marriage, though, it’s that these periods of time come and go.  It’s certainly not the end of the world, but it definitely makes my world feel out of whack.

I don’t know that either of those things by itself would really bother me all that much, but when you’re lonely all day at work and then you come home and feel lonely there, too…  Well, it doesn’t feel great.

Life ebbs and flows.  Not everything can be grandiose and  over the top.  There are times of transition and change, and a lot of the time, those times aren’t pretty (remember your middle school years?).  But there is growth happening in those “eh” times.

BUT DAMN, Y’ALL.

Growing hurts.  It’s lonely and it’s frustrating and it’s vulnerable.  It’s hard and it’s ugly and it’s not anything like those inspirational quotes on Pinterest.  I’m even having a hard time holding to my mantra of blooming where I am planted.  Blooming implies bright colored flowers and healthy, sturdy green stalks.  It implies sunshine and happy little bees buzzing around and maybe a butterfly flittering by.  And I don’t feel so colorful and flittery, y’all.

You know when you have a vase of flowers and you leave the water in there too long and the water starts to stink and the stalks become slimy and the flowers turn brown and dry up?

Yeah.  That’s more what I feel like right now.  Doesn’t feel like blooming, really.  More like trying not to turn brown and crusty.

But then I look outside at the torrential downpour we are about to get in just a few minutes here at my house and I am reminded that cloudy days bring growth.  Thunderstorms bring growth.  My goodness, even raging forest fires bring growth!  Growth isn’t always green and sunny.  Sometimes it’s dark and ugly.  But there’s still good in there and it’s still growing into something that will one day soon be bright and healthy and flittery.

So, I’m going to get up tomorrow and put on my very best teacher cardigan and I’m going to make small talk in the hallways with people I don’t know and I’m going to make out with my husband even if neither of us feels like it and I’m going to remind myself that this is all part of the Plan of the Man.  And even though I would rather be in sunshine every day, I know that those rain showers are needed, too.

I’ll bloom soon, dammit.

P.S. Enjoy these highly “inspirational” quotes that I made for you guys. #reallifeyo