To Boob or Not to Boob
Man, have I tried to avoid this post! But the subject matter has reared its head in the comments of this humble blog on multiple occasions and it actually made me pause and reconsider. You see, when I first made the decision not to nurse Michael, I simultaneously made the decision not to talk about it. To anyone. Even my imaginary friends on the internet. (Are you offended that I think of you all as my imaginary friends? Well, don’t be. Some of the coolest people I’ve hung out with have been imaginary and some of the lamest people have been real. So there.)
There were two reasons that I decided not to talk about it. First, I have found that the decision to nurse or formula feed is a topic that a lot of people are really, really passionate about. I don’t happen to be one of those people, but I know that there are lots of women out there who are. And one of life’s lessons that I’ve always stuck to is not to get into a pissing contest with people who care about the subject more than you do. You’ll just frustrate yourself and the other person. Better stick to topics like Target outings and Girl Scout cookies.
The second reason I chose not to talk about it was because I didn’t think it was anybody’s business. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (even though I will contradict myself in just a minute). My boobs are my business – child or no child. I didn’t feel I owed anyone an explanation and I didn’t feel like defending my decision.
HOWEVER, (here’s the contradiction part) it is precisely for this second reason that I’ve changed my mind. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My boobs are still my business, by all means. But the decision to nurse or not nurse is really hard to make in a vacuum. Its not that this decision is anyone’s business but your own, but if no one puts information out there, then its hard for individuals to make individual decisions. At least, that’s what I found. When I decided not to nurse, I had the hardest time finding ANY information out there on what that would be like. Not only was everyone pro-nursing (and for good reason, but I’ll get to that in a minute), but they were anti-formula. There simply was not information out there that I could find. When I asked my doctor, even she said there wasn’t much information she could offer me. To which I eloquently responded, “Huh?”
Before I tell you the reasons that I personally decided not to nurse, let me preface all of this by saying that I do agree 100% that nursing is a wonderful experience if you choose it for your family. No one can argue the powerful bonding that takes place when you are physically meeting the needs of your child. So, please do not take offense or think that I am anti-boob. I certainly am not. I’m all for the boobs. Go boobs. Yay ta-tas. But for me, personally, this wasn’t the best option.
I didn’t have to sit down and weigh the options of nursing verses not nursing. It was just something that I felt. I was not comfortable with the idea of nursing. Now, don’t go flipping out on me, all you hot nursing mommas out there. I think its a beautiful act of love and I’m in awe of the women who are able to give that gift to their child. But I was never really comfortable with the idea of ME nursing. I thought that maybe when I had my own child, it would be different. That I would feel differently. But when I got pregnant, those feelings never really changed. I just never warmed to the idea.
A lovely reader made a comment yesterday that maybe the reason the Beanie isn’t bonding with me is because I didn’t nurse. And that very well could be true and I’m so glad that she offered that suggestion. Its true that the only reason I would have nursed was for that special bond but if I’m uncomfortable and self-conscious the whole time, that bonding would have been inhibited anyway – with or without Chris. And the Bean and I have bonded. When I’m giving him his bottle, he doesn’t know any different than if he had been nursing. He still looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and we still flirt and gaze at each other the whole time. Its a very special connection we share during those feedings because I feel that I am still meeting his needs, and that is an incredible feeling to have whether a bottle or a boob is involved.
The Bean’s preference to Chris is actually one of the other reasons that I chose not to nurse. I wanted Chris to be involved as much as possible. As jealous as I am sometimes, it warms my heart to see Chris providing for our baby. And with a bottle, he is able to do that exactly in the same way as I am. He has that opportunity to share the feeding time with the Bean and I’m really glad about that. So is Chris. So is the Bean. I am not saying that fathers of nursing babies are not involved or are not able to bond as much. That would be a load of crap. That’s your baby’s daddy! Of COURSE he’s going to bond. But for my family, the decision to use a bottle helped us form that bond quicker.
Another reason that I chose to formula feed was because I knew I would be going back to work and I don’t really have the kind of job where I can just step out and pump when I would need to. Not that I’m overworked or that my office wouldn’t have supported my decision, but I know myself. I barely take times for bathroom breaks during my work day and so the thought of having to step out every so often multiple times a day to pump was really overwhelming to me. Another work related reason was that babies who are nursing typically have to eat more often which means more waking up throughout the night. I really wanted our whole family to be able to sleep through the night as soon as possible. And we have been. The formula keeps the Bean full longer and so he has gone for four hour stretches between feedings since the day he was born. This means we only had to wake up once during the night for him to eat instead of all night long. And now, at 5 weeks old, he does a 6-hour sleeping stretch at night, which is sleep that new parents and a little baby really need. Particularly if you are going back to working full time. To some people, I’m sure this sounds like I chose my career over my child in this important decision. But that wasn’t my thought process. I simply know myself and what my routine needs, and nursing didn’t fit into that. There are lots of working moms out there, however, who miraculously can make that work. I applaud and admire those women. But for me, that was not something I wanted to have to juggle.
Well, there you have it. The 411 on my decision-making. I’m really comfortable with my decision. I know a lot of people disagree, but I also know that I don’t really care (I mean that in the nicest way possible…). It works for me and my family and that’s all I’m really interested in. If you are considering not nursing and would like more information on the nitty gritty physical details, feel free to send me an email. I’m happy to share more if you need some info.
I encourage all of you out there who do have strong opinions on this subject to be respectful of others during discussions about nursing. Some women want to, but aren’t able to. Some babies don’t ever take to it. Some mothers really work at it, but just can’t make it happen. And some mothers know from the start that it just isn’t the right decision for them. But this is a very personal decision. All of you Boob Warriors out there who nurse your babies are truly heroic to me because I know how stressful having a newborn is WITHOUT that extra task on me, so I can’t imagine what you go through. And to those of you who are considering the alternative, for whatever reason, know that there is at least ONE imaginary person out here in Internet Land who made that decision and my family is healthy and happy. And in the end, isn’t that all that really matters?
50 Comments
Jasmine
Good for you! I have no children, nor am I pregnant, but when that does happen I think I’ll be nursing. However, it’s one of those things that people like to get judgy about, and thus I am in your camp of deciding what’s best for my family and respecting that other people disagree, but really not caring what others think. Your boobs, your baby, your decision.
My siblings and I were bottle fed. We turned out fine. I do not resent my mother for making that decision because it was hers to make. Good on you, Katie!
Catherine
Amen. All these types of decisions are an individual family’s choice and should be respected as such, rather than harshly judged. Thanks for being so open about your decision process!
kay
to nurse or not to nurse
to work or be a stay at home mom
daycare or nanny
public school or private
baseball or piano
the list will go on forever and everyone has their own damn opinions that they think everybody needs,excuse me, wants to hear.
as long as the family is happy(and it sounds like everybody including bean is) then it just doesn’t matter.
everyone, including me love to give unwanted and unsolicited advice, you will learn not to give a rats ass about what other think! have fun with the bean!!!!!
Beth
Well said.
Candice
Thank you for your thoughtful honesty on this. I feel nearly exactly how you do about this and it’s very, very difficult to find support for that viewpoint.
Sue V.
It is a personal/private decision, and I think it is great that you took the time to share your decision with the rest of us.
I do want to state that it doesn’t have to be “boob” or “no boob” there is an in-between. The female body is an amazing thing, and it will adapt to all sorts of feeding schedules. I was a “boob” Mom. My kids slept for 4+ hour stretches at night – that may have more to do with their birth weight, than their type of food. My kids were all 9+ lbs at birth.
Thanks Katie for putting yourself out there and helping Mommies make the decision with their heart, not because they feel pressure from others.
Beth
Hi! I’m not a “boob nazi” or anything, but I felt compelled to comment anyway. I’m all for each Mom making her own decision about this, but I’m just wondering if you have all of the facts. I know your decision is already made with this baby, but I thought perhaps you may want to see this for your next, if you have another: http://www.notmilk.com/101.html
There’s a whole lot more to breastfeeding than bonding with your baby. There are a ton of health reasons too, which I had no idea about until I started breastfeeding my own little guy (10 months old). I’m not judging or anything, so I hope this doesn’t come across that way… it’s just a friendly addition to the conversation.
Have a great day!
Beth
There are no boob Nazis here! Thanks for your comment and the website link. – Katie
Hilary
Katie, I know how hard it was for you to write that post but I don’t think you quite understand how it will affect other moms out there who choose not to nurse. As you said, there is almost NO support for non-nursers. Women who choose formula for all the reasons you have or just because they prefer to bottle-feed are viewed in such a negative way. I went through hell when my daughter was born with nursing and spent countless hours feeling horrible and guilty when I would supplement with formula and I honestly believe I didn’t get to enjoy my daughter’s first few weeks because of breastfeeding issues. I forced myself to do it for a month and it was terrible. She would feed consistently and when she wasn’t feeding, I was pumping. I didn’t sleep. I cried – a lot. I was convinced that if I didn’t breastfeed, I was a bad mom and no one was telling me otherwise. When I stopped breastfeeding, I was so relieved and at the same time, I felt awful like I had failed my daughter. I have since gotten over the guilt and I vehemently applaud any mom willing to say “Thanks but no thanks” despite the overwhelming pressure to breastfeed. It is a personal decision as you said and I could argue a million other decisions that a mom will make during her lifetime that will affect her child way more than breastfeeding. We do the best we can and we should support each other, not judge. Again, thank you, thank you, for putting your decision out there. From your imaginary friend.
Jenn
Thanks for sharing your personal decision. I apologize that I was one of the people that asked how you made this decision. But I do hope that you know I asked out of curiosity (like you said above, we need this info to make our own decisions), not because I was judging. I have learned A LOT about pregnancy and babies from your blog, and I am thankful for your honesty!
Sarah H.
Good post. I agree with you that it’s hard to discuss topics that people are SO heated about. I don’t have any kids–but when I do I also plan on going back to work fulltime. And every thing you listed as a reason why you are not nursing (time at work, not sleeping through the night) are exactly what I’m worried about. I personaly want to at least try nursing and see how it goes–but maybe you are the smater one seeing the issues ahead and avoiding it all together!
Lori
Breastfeeding is effing HARD. I had friends who told me how hard it was (like Hilary above, for one) but I had no idea how hard it would be until I tried to breastfeed my premature baby boy who just didn’t “get” the idea of breast feeding for the first few weeks. Being a food source is an awful lot of pressure–especially now that I am back at work and trying to pump throughout the day (I will write a post all about this soon.) OH and because I have been breastfeeding and supplementing since day 1 I have gotten a lot of crap (even from freakin’ nurses and doctors) for doing both. My OB on the other hand was all about me choosing to do whatever was right for my sanity as long as Porter was getting fed. Right now I am trying to decide if I can continue to pump at work and breastfeed at home once the school year starts.
I support your decision to formula feed. I was formula fed, as was my brother, as was Aaron and we turned out okay!
andrea
i breast fed my boy till 10 months, exclusively for 6 months, and i would encourage anyone to do it if it’s what they want to do. my son has always been a great sleeper, even on boobie juice, i also think that had alot to do with his birth weight, he was almost 10 lbs at birth. but i am also not going to put down anyone for making a decision to supplement.
just as there are multiple reasons to breast feed, there are just as many reasons to bottle feed and so many kinds of formulas for different babies needs, it’s not just powdered milk!!! i miss breast feeding, which i know sounds crazy, i thought so too. i am looking forward to breast feeding the next baby (which i am currently baking) but also know that stuff happens and it may not work out this time around. i have known babies that were allergic to their mothers milk and had to drink soy formula, i know mothers that weren’t producing and had to stop after a few months and another after only a couple weeks.
i don’t believe that you not breast feeding has anything to do with the bean bonding with chris, i felt the same way about my boy and my husband, they seemed to have this secret language that i didn’t know. i don’t have any words of wisdom, except that the tables will turn and there will be times when chris feels the same way that you do right now.
thank you for sharing this with us and know that there are plenty of people out here that support you and your decisions, not that it’s any of our business 🙂
Casey
Hi 5! This is a great post. I am glad you worked up your courage to put it out there. I also chose the path you are. I just wasn’t comfortable with putting my boob out there every time he may have been hungry. I mean what do you do on your target trips or at dinner. My ex sister in law judged me for that but it was me and my child and I only let it get to me a little bit. Also how do you know how much they are eating? My kids were on a pretty regular routine and I loved it, they loved it. We knew how much they were eating and what time they would be eating next time.
The bean will go back and forth and play you and Chris against eachother. I was home all day with my son for months and months and months then all of the sudden at bedtime in the rocker he wouldn’t have anything to do with me, his daddy had to rock him to sleep ( grrrr still urks me) lol. Then a couple weeks later it was back to normal.
It is awesome that you are not letting any of the negativeness get to you and you are standing your ground and taking up for yourself. I had a hard time with that when my son was a litte one. NOT ANYMORE THOUGH haha!
Kate
Hello – this is actually something that might apply to both of your most recent posts. I have no idea how long it takes for your milk to work out of your system when you don’t nurse but when my sister-in-law was breastfeeding our first nephew, she was hardly ever able to get him to settle down. Anytime she held him, he smelled milk and wanted to feed even if he wasn’t hungry. So just about everyone else was able to get the baby to sleep except his mother – it was very frustrating for her. I am not sure if that is the case for you – but just wanted to put it out there as a possibility. Kudos to you for making your choice based on your family and your family’s needs.
Lyndsey
Happy/less stressed mom > Less happy/stressed mom. Just sayin. 🙂
Jilene aka NONA
Very well said! It is your choice, no one elses. Your a great mother and don’t forget this. You did a great job so far and you will continue to so. Have a great day!!
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com
I said it yesterday in response to that comment and I’ll say it again today: you can bond without the boob. Whatever choice works best for you and for your family is fine, don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. There’s no such thing as a cookie cut fit for every mother and every child. If not boobing works for you?
Then that’s perfect.
Donna
Good post! I have both breast and bottle fed. So I have suffered through the “witching hour” where my daughter ate from 10 to 2, until I finally woke my husband up to give her a bottle. When a parent makes that decision it is what is best for their family, and others should respect that.
Just a note, read the Baby Wise book. I was so exhausted when I came back to work from getting up to feed my baby, but after implementing the suggestions she started sleeping through the night (no feedings) until the next morning. And now at 1 year there are several days when she will go to bed between 8 and 9 and then sleep til 8 or 9 (I know this is not the sleeping in as it was before the baby, but it is oh so wonderful to not be awakened every morning at 7).
Betsy
Great blog…I live in a country where 95% of women nurse. I also choose to bottle feed because it was the best choice for MY family, especially after a LONG first month of trying to breast feed. I get looks everyday and get asked all the time (sometimes by 80 year old men) why I don’t breast feed. It just makes me want to scream. I think we should start a support group!
Summer
Happy moms make for happy babies. YOU have to be comfortable with how you are raising your sweet boy. All babies really need is a full belly, a clean diaper, and lots of love, which he is obviously getting. You’re obviously a great mom – boob or no boob!!
I think sometimes people get so convinced that their way is the only way, they forget that there are other options and that others may not agree. Open minds, people!!
Laura
I am so glad you posted this!!! It has inspired me to finally write about it myself on my blog. And you are SO right, everything, I mean EVERYTHING, is geared towards nursing moms. I get so tired of reading “What To Expect The First Year” and all they talk about feeding-wise is for nursing moms. There are only a few paragraphs for us formula-feeders. It’s really ridiculous.
Heather
Good for you. I myself was a Nursing Mom and loved every minute of it but I think that the decision on how you nourish your baby is as personal as your decision to have a baby in the first place. Not anyone else’s business. Mothering is a tough job and my only advice to any new Mother is to just follow your instincts and combined with your deep love for your child, you’ll both have grand adventures. Enjoy yours!
My oldest is six already and I know I’ll blink and he’ll be off living his own life and I am just trying to enjoy every single moment.
Warmest Smiles
Heather
The Rambling Ewe
Thank-you very much for sharing this. I know this is an issue that can be difficult to talk about, and I’m sure there are lots of moms out there who will be encouraged in their decision by your post.
Kate
What a great, well thought out post. I think it’s very woman’s decision to make for themselves and their family. I nursed my son for the first 5 weeks of his life (although I did use a little formula to help out every now and then). Then I got sick and was in and out of the hospital (on very strong drugs that made it so I wasn’t able to continue breastfeeding) and having to stop before my son and I were ready tore me up inside. A lot from guilt. It’s hard to come to grips that your baby will be just fine either way.
Liz, JM, and Leo
Hi Katie!
Just catching up on your blog… I was just reading the comments and (disclaimer – I’m a breastfeeding mama) it made me feel sad to read about all the moms who had such a tough time with breastfeeding.
I think moms in America in fact have fairly poor support for breastfeeding and this is why it’s such a struggle for those who ‘give bf’ing a try’ and then quit out of significant frustration because they lack real support.
This was not my experience – certainly there were struggles in the beginning getting things sorted out… but I had La Leche League on speed dial and dragged an older friend who had nursed five kids from my church over to my house to help me sort it out. And, after we got into the swing of things – I couldn’t imagine an easier way to feed my child. Hungry? Food’s ready. Fussy? Comfort is here. And my tiny baby (6 pounds) was and is a good sleeper.
However, I always knew I’d breastfeed, and formula sounded inferior to me from all that I’d read and learned. So jumping over beginning hurdles didn’t make me feel like a “Boob Warrior” – I’m just a mom who feeds her babies breastmilk. I’m also not a “Boob Nazi” – although I do have strong opinions about it – I really respect individual decisions – including yours, Mrs. Brown!
You’re doing a great job with the Bean, my friend!
Thanks for writing!
Love,
Liz
Miren
Ok, so..I’m nowhere near motherhood (I’m just 19…LOL) but I think your option is as good as any other. I really like the fact that you posted this, because, as you said, there isn’t much information on this side.
The bonding this, like you said, happens anyway (: I was given formula since I was born (because I just wouldn’t..attach LOL) but my little sister was “breastfed” and we have both great relationships with our parents.
On a side note, I wanted to congratulate you, because taking this decision is, nowadays, more difficult than deciding to breastfeed (because of all the judgemental people out there…)
So just be happy and enjoy your baby (:
Miren
“The bonding this…” I meant thing hahaha
Jean Peterson
I have two boys 10 and 4 years old. I did not nurse either one of them, simply because I was not comfortable with it, and it was not for me! No other reason then that. I guess I always said to people, that it’s my body, my children, and I shall do as I please. I know that sounds very harsh, but in the big world of things, now having a 10 year old and a 4 year old, funny now it seems how they got their milk is not even an issue. Making sure they are kind, well adjusted men; not to mention paying for college, now we can talk.
I enjoy reading your blog, your humor, and your perspective on raising a family.
Plus I think the Bean Rocks.
Laura
Well lovey, I do both. I breastfeed, pump, and when I want to sleep longer we give her “the Dragon.” Why? Well, breast fed babies have the sweetest breath. When we give her formula her breath is that of a dragon, Stinky formula breath. There is the ease of waking up and just “whipping it out” and then there are the times where I’m walking around with burning breasts, soaking breast pads wondering WHERE MY BABY IS – SHE NEEDS TO EAT. It is a personal decision and I have gotten looks when Gooner is eating from a bottle even if it IS pumped breast milk. People don’t know and judge…
Nikki
Thank you so much for posting this! While my Husband and I do not have a baby just yet, I know and have known for ever now that when I have a child, it will not be breast fed. My mother did never did it and I was definitely a healthy baby and child. I appreciate whatever mom’s choose is best for themselves and their babies, but I often feel like women who do use formula are ostracized for their decisions! Thank you for brining us into your personal decision, it shows us that we are not alone.
Holly Decker
girlfriend, you rock.
and anyone who judges people for not nursing is lame.
i am a nurser and let me tell ya, there are so many days that i TOTALLY understand moms who decide not to. its not for everyone, its way hard, and i totally believe that everyone is different and you can still have a bond with your little sweet bean. i am almost POSITIVE that you have more of a bond than you even know. seriously.
bean will LOVE YOU…. who wouldnt?
Christie
This is my first time to your blog and I’m so glad I came to read this! I breastfed my two oldest and hated every minute of it. But the pressure to breastfeed overwhelmed me and I continued. My third was born last year and he didn’t take to the boobie as well as the other two. In fact, many tears were shed from both he and me. We were both exhausted, stressed and frustrated. I finally made the decision to stop the boobie and feed him the bottle. It was amazing how much happier we both were. I’m definitely not anti-breastfeeding. We all know the benefits that come from it. But sometimes it’s just not best, for the mom, for the family, for the baby. Being a mom is hard enough as it is and it’d be so wonderful if we could just support each other instead of looking for ways to criticize. Thank you so much for being brave enough to address this!
Liesel
Kudos to you, Katie. I was joking just the other day about how not excited I am for what breastfeeding will do to my boobs (not pregnant, not planning on it for awhile). I was only joking and I got scalding comments back from many of the women in the room. Ooof. I cannot imagine what it is like to actually be pregnant and making that decision. You have written a beautiful, coherent, level-headed, and personal post about a perfectly personal decision. It is amazing how judgmental people can be, even when something does not affect them in the least. Good for you for putting a lot of time, thought, and energy in to your decision. It appears to be working very well for YOUR family. And the Bean is adorable. Congratulations on a wonderful start to your family.
Marla
Great post. I’m not anywhere near having children, but I love how informative this was. It sounds like you really thought about it and made a wise decision for you family.
Katie
Wowzers. Apparently controversy gets you comments, huh!? I’m not yet a Mom yet, but hope to be someday. Thank you for putting this out there. I’ve never had the desire to nurse, and like you, I thought I would eventually, but it’s nice to know that it’s okay not to. Regardless, the Bean is flourishing and will continue to because you and Chris are amazing parents. Congrats to you guys… and ya know, you guys make pretty cute babies! 🙂
Whitney
Wow. Love it!!! Ok I had the exact same feelings you do concerning bfeeding except I was pressured into trying it. I knew the benefits, the cost, and everyone I knew (besides my mom bc I was formula fed) was telling me I should. So I did. I didn’t even last 4 days. It was the single most frustrating and painful experience. I was upset, Levi was upset, it was terrible. I felt a sense of failure when I gave up and then mom reminded me that I never even WANTED to do it! Enfamil meets Levis needs just as much (if not better) than my milk ever would. I think a LOT of nursingmoms look down on us, but ya know what? Who the heck cares. It’s my baby and my life and only I know what works best for us. And….we will be 50 and still have beautiful boobs! 😉 So take that nursing gods!! Love this post.
Rachel
I stumbled on your blog and found it ironic that I just posted about the decisions we make as parents. It’s crazy how much controversy there is around our parenting decisions.
Hope you can ramble in my comments.
http://www.rachelsramblings.com/2009/07/my-opinion-about-your-parenting.html
jonathan
Looks like a very cute baby there..! That is your decision not to do breast feeding. Choose the right formula feeding though.
Keiko
Rock on! You are so right and so glad you shared your thoughts!! I also had the same feelings you had about breastfeeding. It just wasn’t something I felt comfortable about and the thought of it wasn’t very pleasing. In the end, I tried it… went through a lot of frustrations and annoyances, but also really enjoyed it and glad I did it.I was also VERY relieved when we switched solely to formula,(We did half and half for a few months because I wasn’t producing enough) especially after I went back to work. I also felt guilty and like a failure – which in reality none of us should have to feel that way. They both have their pos. and neg. aspects. It is our decision to make. We should be more supportive of each other instead of judging.
There is something I find really funny – You get judged for bottle feeding your baby in public. Why aren’t you breatfeeding, nag nag nag. But as soon as you pop out your boob to breastfeed your baby you get scrutinized – “OMG, you can’t do that in public! Are you crazy!?” – People make up your damn mind! Or leave us alone!!
Just to clarify, I think sleeping through the night depends on the baby. Serena was sleeping 8 hours by 6 weeks (She was 5lbs when born). And dad’s can also enjoy being involved with feeding a breastfed baby. I had to pumped at the beginning so Mike used that to feed Serena and since I had to pump for those feedings that Mike took over, he was able to continue – granted this method isn’t for everyone. But thought I shared for those interested.
andrea
hello, i already posted, but I just reread it and wanted to clarify that even though i breast fed i certainly support any mothers decision on how to feed their own children. i thought that my comment sounded a bit one sided and i didn’t want anyone thinking that i was posting to say my way is better. there are so many other things to worry about, especially when it comes to our children, i believe every mother has the right to choose whatever is best for them, without the possibility of being ridiculed by bystanders. what is that saying…’mother knows best’ 🙂
Vandy
Hi Katie,
Sorry it has taken me a while to write a comment. Thanks for posting on this and thanks for the note. I guess it was a good idea to post on this topic! Great response!
I try not to be one of those judgy, nursing moms. I understand that it is a choice for every mom and what is best for the family and I respect that. But, what saddens me most is that our society has given women a stigma and self-consciousness about their breasts in the past decades. Honestly, I predicted your main reason for not breastfeeding was that you just weren’t comfortable with the idea. It’s not our fault so many of us are overly shy and self-conscious about our breasts, we learned it somewhere. We’ve been taught and seen in society how our breasts are a personal, sexual feature But, nursing babies is the sole reason we have breasts on our chests. Even if you think it’s your boobs, your business, in reality from the beginning of time, they have been your babies’ boobs, their sustanence! Breasts are amazing, they turn blood into milk. Isn’t that just phenomenal?!
In my own unofficial polling, I have found that the stigma against breasts and nursing is somewhat regional in our country. Women who were raised in the south or the midwest tend to be more prudish and unopen to the idea. I hope I can say prudish without offending. To be sure, there are massive gaps in my poll, the whole northeast, for instance. But I have found that the west and southwest are far less prudish and more natural. At least among the educated crowds I know. On the whole, our country is very prudish and that is what we are up against, a Puritan history of making women feel self-conscious and icky about their breasts and the idea of putting a baby to their nipples. Seriously, I cannot say enough how backwards I think that is and how unfortunate that we still have women being told they can’t nurse on airplanes or in parks. The vast majority of nursing mothers are modest and cover up and sit in a quiet place. This is a necessity, as most babies are very easily distracted after they are a few months old. We’re not a bunch of hippies whipping it out in public.
I am a biologist by training so the science speaks volumes to me. There never has been and never will be anything as good as breast milk for babies. It cannot be replicated. With our children at risk for so many things these days, from obesity to asthma and allergies to autism, I wanted to at least eliminate the variable of artificial breast milk, (aka formula), for my babies. I just couldn’t NOT breastfeed. If my boys had never learned to latch on, I would have pumped for as long as physically reasonable, just to give them the milk. I understand that some mothers and babies have medical or physical reasons that cause nursing to fail. But I try to grasp the reasoning in not trying, or at least pumping, even if only during maternity leave. I also feel so proud and blessed that I was able to donate my excess milk for the sickest, smallest babies who require breast milk by prescription. That evidence speaks even greater volumes to the value of breast milk. If giving the sickest babies breast milk improves their chances of survival, think what it must do for the average baby! I am honored to have helped those babies, donor breast milk is more precious than donor blood or kidneys!
To be sure, nursing is not easy. It is one of those selfless, demanding things a mother does. My babies were always good sleepers and eaters, but there are still issues. I was in pain and had to pump a lot the first months because I was so engorged. It makes you hot and you leak milk everywhere in the first months. I got mastitis with my first and have friends who had infected or cracked nipples. But I don’t regret it a bit.
My mother complains that we have too much information and too many decisions to make as new mothers these days. Not just whether to breastfeed, but which car seat is safest, which crib, which diapers (namebrand, generic or cloth, there is a whole other touchy topic!), which daycare is best, etc, etc. Moms in previous generations weren’t bombarded with internet info and discussions, books, parenting magazines and masses of pamphlets and warnings at the pediatricians office. They just did their best, figured things out on their own, stuck their babies in a dresser drawer to sleep and asked their own moms.
Like your previous commenters have said, it doesn’t matter what you decide, somebody will second guess you. If you nurse for 6 weeks or 6 months, that’s not long enough for some. If your nursing child can name the color of your bra at 2.5, that’s too long for others. When should you introduce certain foods, should you wear your baby, should you accept hand-me-down shoes. Seriously, some people say you should never put our kid in hand-me-down shoes! There is an opinion on everything and too much info out there. Like you said, it is best to just do what feels right for you and your family. Who cares what anyone else thinks. In the end, we all think we are screwing up our kids in a million different ways. What matters most is that we raise responsible adults and productive citizens. I have complete faith in you and Chris when it comes to the end product! Your child is loved and will be a wonderful person!
Wow, I really went long!
Vandy
Sarah
THANK YOU for posting this. When I was younger I always assumed I’d breastfeed because I was breastfed and was always told that that’s just what women do. It’s what’s best. Period. My family told me, “It’s completely natural.” Well…people used to poop in little pots next to their beds, too. Times have changed. I am a STRONG advocate for living in the generation in which you’re born!
Then my sister became obsessed with how UNappealing it is to her, and it kind of caught on with me. I’m not pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant anytime very soon, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already made the decision NOT to breastfeed. I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
mssc54
“When I’m giving him his bottle, he doesn’t know any different than if he had been nursing.”
Surely you don’t believe that… completely?
Next time Chris wants some… sticka bottle in his mouth and ask him if he can tell the difference. lol
Skin to skin contact is much different than hard warmed plastic to skin. However, you can maximise your skin to skin contact while bottle feeding by putting your finger on his cheek while he’s feeding.
As for wanting Chris to be more involved in the feeding process… that’s why God made breast pumps. You can pump out your 6 or 8 oz bags and Chris can take the night shift.
Happy un-boobing! 😉
I’m just a daddy of five so you can discount my comments. Kids really are so much fun.
Miss M!
OMG – I know this is probably not what you want people to take away, but now every time I see someone whip out a boob I’m gonna think: BOOB WARRIOR!!! LOL!
I pumped. I couldn’t get the baby to latch, the whole thing was way stressful, and it was the easiest thing FOR ME. That’s the important thing to remember in the end. As far as the bonding, I think that’s crap. You’re holding them close, and looking at each other and inhaling each other’s scent while feeling that little heartbeat – what does it matter what kind of nipple their mouth is on?
erin
Hi Katie,
I found you a while back from FSTM and generally just lurk but I’ve been forming a comment the last couple days and thought I’d share it. I’m glad you posted about this because I was wondering – curious – even though it was none of my business. I am nursing my daughter (3 weeks older than the Bean) and wondered what would “cause” someone to choose not to nurse.
That sounds like I am condemning you for not nursing, but I’m not. I would say otherwise that I wondered “why” you hose not to nurse, but I know all the reasons why (which you outlined perfectly) because I *do* nurse! I do honestly believe it is best for my baby (and hope I don’t sound judgy when I say that) but it is such hard work and every day I seriously consider giving it up. Very often, the only things that keep me going are guilt and the cost issue. I’m a cheapskate and I just can’t see spending money on formula when we’re already spending a fortune on diapers, vitamins, etc. Nursing is HARD WORK. It’s physically exhausting to be nourishing this little parasite with your body. (I love the parasite, but still.) It’s so time-consuming. She spends literally HOURS per day sucking on my boob. And my boobs are constantly tender and sensitive from the continuous filling and emptying. I cannot WAIT to have my body back. And yet, I feel so guilty for not wanting to breastfeed.
I applaud you for making the decision that is best for *your* family and sticking with it. You’re right, it’s no one’s business but your own. (Strangers ask me if I am nursing, when I am out with the baby and she’s fussy – and I always tell them, “That’s a personal question.” What happens between me and my baby and my boobs is not their business!) I imagine you get a lot of guilt-trips from everyone because there is so much pressure to nurse these days, much more than there was when you and I were babies. My mother was “in with those crazy ladies at La Leche League” (her words) – everyone thought she was nuts for wanting so strongly to exclusively breastfeed when I was born (1978). And then she couldn’t. By six weeks old I had not gained back my birth weight, so she had to switch to formula. And even though I was basically exclusively formula-fed, I grew up normal, healthy, strong, and intelligent (or at least I like to think so).
Completely random, but I have a bunch of coupons – like $5 coupons, not the dinky 55c off coupons – that Enfamil is constantly sending me. If you want, I can mail them to you. At the moment we’re not using them, I have my free sample of Enfamil sitting in the pantry just in case. Otherwise I just throw them out, so if you want them they’re yours. Just email me.
Good luck! Sorry this is so long. 🙂
Erin
Angela
Hey Katie,
I discovered your website the weekend before Bean was born, and I immediately loved it.
(I’m newly married, I went to Yale, so I felt that I could really relate.) I went back to the oldest post on a Thursday night and spent most of the weekend reading it. I remember catching up sometime on Sunday and finding out The Bean was going to be born tomorrow. At any rate, I saw this post yesterday, and thought you should read it.
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/16/is-breastfeeding-the-new-vacuum-cleaner/
I haven’t read the article in the Atlantic yet. The gist of the post is that
(quoting the blog, quoting the article)
“After a couple of hours, the basic pattern became obvious: the medical literature looks nothing like the popular literature. It shows that breast-feeding is probably, maybe, a little better; but it is far from the stampede of evidence that Sears describes.”
So there. Do what’s best for you and your family, no explanations required.
Angela
Jessica
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST! I am a newlywed starting to think about having children, and I am fairly certain that I won’t breastfeed. I just don’t really want to. (For the record, I’m a feminist from a coastal city with any Ivy League college degree and a law degree as well! Not a prude or uneducated, as some of the other commenters have implied non-breastfeeders must be!) My decision was cemented after I read the Atlantic’s recent article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding
I’m so glad that people are beginning to open up about this issue. And I really appreciate hearing from someone who feels the same way and is totally comfortable with her decision! I may email you for more information. THANK YOU again!
Zoe
Very interesting! I’m glad you decided to post this. Not because you needed to justify yourself. But I think it has shown lots of other women out there that they’re not alone in bottle feeding.
Christina
I think this is a great post (I know I’m late in commenting, but anyway). With my first child I nursed and hated it for six weeks, but stuck with it because I really wanted to get thin again; the other benefits were there too, but really, that selfish one was on top. I hated all the people who ever told me how wonderful it was and how you would bond and how if you did it right then it wouldn’t hurt. You know those d@mn lying pregnancy fairies you talk about? Those same fairies tormented me about nursing. I ended up nursing for a long time, and ended up loving it most of the time, for all three of my kids (still nursing number three) but many times felt trapped, or like I had to do it, you know? At any rate, I love the honesty, and it’s totally true that you have to do what’s best for your family. There were definitely times when nursing might have been adding to the stress and stuff in our household. The love you have for your little man is so obvious. The cuddling and the nibbling and the kissing and the hours of gazing-that is what will make a baby thrive, along with his physical nourishment. I wish I had been more confident of these things earlier, just in general. You are doing a great job! And doing things without taking yourself too seriously? A sanity saver!
Stephanie
Hi Katie! I’m reading this post years later after hearing you guys talk about it on your live chat I was interested. I am pregnant and have been trying to make this decision. I feel as though I am expected to breast feed. This post and comments has really gave me a lot to think about. Thanks!