My Parenting Nightmare Realized: Dinner Out
Up until tonight, we’ve been pretty lucky with Bean on the eating out front. I am a big fan of restaurants and it has been so great to be able to take Bean along and enjoy meals times out and about with him. He would sit in the high chair and play with his toys that were clipped to his seat cover. He would eat some food or have a bottle. And if he started to get fidgety, I could just give him a teething cookie and that would keep him busy for at least 20 minutes, but that rarely happened. Bean was always a lot of fun in restaurants. Even when he went with other people. He was usually always well behaved and quiet, keeping to himself and not really bothering anybody too much.
And then tonight, Bean decided that he had been good for long enough and so all the saved up, pent up energy from all those previous dinners out boiled to the surface, resulting in what I am pretty confident calling THE WORST MEAL OF MY LIFE.
Let me explain…
When we were at the Winter Park Arts Festival this past weekend, we ran into an old friend of mine from high school. We’ve kept in touch over the years through Facebook and emails and I knew we wanted to get together again when we moved to Orlando, where she was living. But I was not expecting to look up at a street festival and see her standing there! What a great surprise! So, we made plans to sit down over dinner and catch up.
ENTER THE BEAN.
I knew it wasn’t going to be smooth sailing the minute we got into the car to go to the restaurant. On the way, Bean screamed bloody murder and just as he was finally calming down and falling asleep, I realized that he had skipped his afternoon nap. Which would mean that right about in the middle of dinner, he would get sleepy. Perfect. Also, he fell asleep in the car on the way and so when we got to the restaurant, Chris and I debated on what to do. Knowing that he had already skipped a nap, did we want to risk waking him up? Did we really have any choice? Not really. So, we woke him up as gently as possible, let him cry a little in the parking lot, pulled ourselves together, and walked into the restaurant.
Where Bean took one look at my sweet, kind, pretty, friend, Laurel, and burst into tears. The loud kind of tears. The kind of tears that make you want to hide him under a bushel. I finally calmed him down, but the tears started again when I tried putting him in the high chair. So, I figure I should just hurry and sit him in his chair and get him some food or a toy or something before the loud crying becomes the ear-piercing-screaming. Only, he starts kicking. And flailing. So that left me standing there awkwardly trying to hold him up, catch his legs, and shove them WITH SHOES through the small holes of his high chair seat cover.
ALL WHILE POLITELY MEETING LAUREL’S VERY NICE BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Things pretty much went downhill from there. Although, the loud crying eventually turned into ear-piercing shrieking (which is a happier form of ear-piercing screaming, for those of you who don’t speak Bean…). This loud squealing – while happy and kind of cute – gets really annoying after the second squeal. So, I put some Puffs and Cheerios on the table, hoping to keep Bean busy while Chris and I try to focus on the conversation with Laurel and Adam. And this actually worked for a little while.
Until I realized that the reason the Puffs and Cheerios were disappearing from the table was not because Bean was eating them, but instead was because Bean was throwing them at the people sitting at the table next to us. Trying not to cause even more of a scene, I removed the rest of the Puffs and Cheerios. Which then changed the ear-piercing shrieking of happiness to ear-piercing screaming of death.
So, I switched from something that could become a projectile to something that I fed Bean with a spoon. I pulled out the sweet potatoes and apples I brought for Bean’s dinner and I got all set up to feed Bean. Only, Bean wanted nothing to do with this food. Well, that’s not actually true. Bean wanted a LOT to do with this food. Like spitting it out of his mouth. Or just sitting with his mouth open so it slid out and down his shirt. Or going up an octave in the ear-piercing screaming of death. Just cause.
Sensing my frustration, Chris pulled himself out of the conversation at the table and offered some help.
“Here,” Chris said. “Let me have him for a while.”
If this was a movie, this would be when the horror music started playing. That scary music that plays when you are leading up to a particularly horrific scene. Yeah. That music.
I knew that a cardinal rule had been broken. Never take Bean out of his seat. Because once you take him out, you’ll never get him back inside. Much like a fat, short little genie in a bottle. But, we were sitting there with people we were trying to get to know in the middle of a restaurant with other people who were trying to enjoy their meals. And when you’re in those circumstances, you just do what you gotta do. So, I pulled Bean out of his high chair and handed him to Chris. But not before Bean started kicking and flailing again so that when I pulled him out of his high chair, his entire seat cover came with him. Including all 50 pounds of toys that were connected to the cover. It was loud and cumbersome and made a huge scene. Which was on par with the rest of the evening so far.
With Chris taking a turn entertaining Bean, I turned my attention back to Laurel and Adam. And just as I thought things were getting under control again, Bean discovered that he could now move around since he wasn’t in his high chair. And so be began crawling around. All over Chris and me. Faster than a speeding bullet, Bean would be on Chris’ lap one minute and then crawling up my arm the next. He could go from one end of the booth to the other in less then 3 seconds. And I know this is a fact because three seconds is exactly the amount of time it took me to realize that WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED A BABYSITTER.
“Juice!” Chris yelled, cutting off something Laurel was saying. “Do we have any juice, Mom?”
JUICE! BRILLIANT!
I pull the juice out of the diaper bag and shoved the bottle in Bean’s mouth, hoping it would at least keep him in one spot long enough for Chris and I to say something intelligent for once during this dinner conversation. But Bean wanted nothing to do with the juice. In fact, he wanted nothing to do with any of the 4,621 toys that I pulled out of my diaper bag in hopes of distracting him. Instead, he wanted the steak knife. More specifically, he wanted anything except the 4,621 toys out of the diaper bag.
Finally, to give us a chance to eat, Chris took Bean for a walk outside and Laurel and I had about a 10 minute window to really catch up. And I heard myself doing what every parent does in these situations. I started explaining the psychological reasoning as to why Bean was acting this way. Which is a fancy way of saying that I started making excuses.
“He missed his naps today.”
“Its close to his bedtime.”
“He’s still adjusting to Florida.”
And I could hear myself doing it and I sounded just like all the other parents who make excuses and no matter how true those things might be, I still became that parents whose child could do no wrong. Who had a reason for every behavior. Finally, I gave up and just said, “We think he’s been possessed by the Devil.”
Chris came back to the table with Bean, who seemed to be somewhat more docile. But I could see him rubbing his eyes and I knew the Colossal Meltdown Before Sleep was about to commence, so before that could kick off right there in front of everyone, I took a turn with Bean outside. And that’s pretty much how we spent the rest of our meal. Taking turns with him outside, where he could scream and yell at passerbys to his little heart’s content.
Laurel and Adam were just about as nice as you could be in that situation. They politely ignored our screaming child when it was possible and they continued to talk by raising their voices over the noise when necessary. Laurel played with Bean to see if that would help and she kept insisting that she loved babies and how cute Bean was. If I had been in their shoes, I would have left that restaurant and driven straight to my OB/GYN’s home and demanded she give me a hysterectomy right there in her kitchen.
It was the classic dinner with a child. The dinner that I can remember witnessing in restaurants and thinking to myself, “Those parents have no control over that child. I will never be like that.” See, that’s the thing about being a new parent. We are still so new at this that I can actually remember life before Bean. I can remember what dinners in restaurants were BEFORE. I can remember what I thought about parents like me BEFORE. Its still fresh on my mind. And so when things like this happen (and they are unavoidable, I assure you), I still see what other people see.
Uncontrollable children and their tired, out-of-control parents.
I would just like to take a moment to apologize to any family who I may have passed judgment on at some point because of the way their children acted in a restaurant. I’m really sorry, dude. I now know that your child probably was actually having an off night, like you said when I didn’t believe you. I know that he probably really did skip his naps and was teething and running a fever and whatever other excuse you used that night. And I’m sorry that Chris and I probably got in our car and said, “Those people are terrible parents!”
You know what else bothered me about last night was that Chris and I couldn’t concentrate on friends. Our world, at that moment in time, revolved around our child. We couldn’t even carry on a conversation without becoming so distracted by Bean that we really couldn’t follow what anyone was saying, which meant that when we responded, I don’t know what the hell we actually said. Chris could have been saying that he has secret fantasies about waking up in the middle of the night and driving to Vegas where he takes up with a show girl named Fluffy, and I would have just been sitting there, smiling and nodding like a fool.
I know that this is just part of the fun of this phase with Bean right now. And I know that one night is not a reflection of our parenting style or Bean’s true personality. And I know that it will get better and all that stuff, but last night as we were driving home with Bean screaming in his car seat, Chris and I didn’t say anything to each other at all except, “Next time, we should probably get a sitter.”
And that felt like the most honest excuse of the night.
For proof that Bean actually has NOT been possessed by the Devil, check out my post today in The Growing Bean about his first time in a swing. Guaranteed to make you want to go back to your OB/GYN and tell her you’ve re-thought your hysterectomy.
43 Comments
Deb
Awe, thanks so much for sharing this Katie! We’re due in July (found out it’s a girl last week!) and it’s so nice to know what to expect. I could totally see this happening to us! I think our friends with kids would totally understand but I know our friends without kids would probably be horrified! lol
Catherine
This is exactly my parenting nightmare, too. So far Molly’s been good…of course she’s only 3 months old. I know this day will come. Thanks for the prep session:)
Mommy, Esq.
That is probably a nice thing about having twins – I never in a million years assumed I could take my kids out to dinner and that it would be fun or relaxing or able to carry on any kind of conversation. I do playdates and the occasional lunch out but only with enough adults. I’m lucky if I eat. I should warn you that you are entering the 45 minute window. Order when you sit down because if you are lucky you have 45 mins of good behavior before Bean insists on climbing out of his chair or throwing all his food down. Extra points for restaurants like Cheesecake who brought us special “bread” basket for the kids (carrots and thinly sliced bread). And crayons. Love restaurants with crayons.
Katie
EXCELLENT advice. 45 minute window. Noted.
Emily
I feel your pain. Deeply and horribly feel your pain 🙂 I can’t say it gets better as we have an 18 month old and its like a flip of a coin, sometimes shes great and other times we have to take turns eating. Although once they are more capable it does make it hard to keep them in a seat! Good luck and just be confident your doing great 🙂 You are doing what is best for you and Bean so it’s all you can do!
Beth
I think you guys are just precious! My kids are 18, 14, and 7 and I still have these types of problems when eating out with them. Who knew?!
Megan (Best of Fates)
I will now try and cut parents at restaurants some slack.
But only if their kid is as cute as the Bean.
Queen of Quirky
Ack!!! Katie. Not what I needed to read. 🙂 Oh well. I still have two years….
Amy
In my experience with 2 kids, that 12-18 month window is the toughest, behavior-wise. They can’t really tell you anything or understand and follow instructions from you, yet they want to be so independent. So it seems to me the Bean is an overachiever to be starting that business now! 🙂
No worries–you’ll get through it. My first child would be entertained for 30 minutes at a restaurant by stacking creamers or sugar packets over and over again.
My kids are 5 and 7 now, and though they can behave just fine at a restaurant other than the occasional arguing, I don’t truly enjoy myself unless we leave them with the babysitter! Mama needs to eat in peace every once in awhile.
Beth
Oh yea. Been there. This is why people tell you to enjoy going out when your baby is really little– because you don’t realize how easy that age is compared to the phase you’re in right now. I think there was an entire year when we only took my almost 4 year old out to eat because it was always horrible, and yes, it began right around her first birthday– pretty much coincides with increased mobility. We started only going to restaurants where service was fast and/or immediate AND where we could get out quickly if we needed to… and actually visiting with friends at a restaurant became impossible unless we took turns, just like you did. I remember being in tears on mother’s day after my just-turned-2 daughter completely ruined my nice brunch out.
Lindsay
I have been the friend on the other side of the table many a time. I try to be understanding and feel sympathy for the parent(s). I ended up eating lunch by myself one time because my friend had to walk her child around outside the entire meal (I hadn’t seen my friend in over a year and was only in town for one day). I did, however, draw the line when a different friend’s kid spit his food (a fully chewed mouthful) into my soup. He was 5 and that just wasn’t cool, nap or no nap. But you handled it well it seems. Question though — didn’t you move to Florida so that your parents could spend more time with the Bean? Seems like last night would’ve been a good time to take advantage of the new proximity to them? Long live babysitters! And hang in there, you rock.
Katie
We totally would have used Nana and Granddad, but my friend wanted to meet Bean. Next time, we’ll do a meet and greet another time! 🙂
Nancy
I find, in those meet-and-greet cases, it’s better to invite them over to meet the kiddo! You could always do a little catching up in the house, have some cocktails/apps, have them meet the kiddo, coo and aww a little, then leave the kiddo with the grandparents/babysitter/etc and go out for the actual, grown-up meal.
The (Terrified) Mommy-to-Be
Yikes. That story is one of the many reasons I’m terrified of having a baby. Restaurants and airplanes are the stuff of my nightmares.
kk
I don’t want a baby when i’m reading the story.
I want a baby when i’m looking at the adorable bean pictures in this post.
Rachel
I have a similar restaruant story involving my now 13 year old duaghter, my hubby & I. She was about 8 months old & we went to dinner at a large chain (rhymes with Schmolive Darden), which the nearest location is 65 miles from our house. She screamed from the moment we ordered, until we took her out of the restaurant. When my hubby’s food came he shoved it down so fast it would make your head spin, grabbed the baby & said “We’ll be in the car”; leaving me to finish my meal alone. Fast forward about 12 years to last summer. Our now 12 1/2 yo & 9 yo son keep asking (when ever we pass a Schmolive Darden (or see a commericial, or hear people talking about one, etc (and at this point my brother-in-law works for one))), “Why don’t we ever eat at Schmolive Darden?” Our response was always “Because you had a melt down there once & we don’t dare go back.” We did take them both last summer & it worked out fine! = )
Love your blog!
Jill Smyth
Poor Bean. Everything he knew about the world is different. The daily and weekly schedules he’s been used to for the most recent four fifths of his life are changed. I imagine that would make me act like a crazy person too.
EmilyC
I know this is probably terrible advice but it worked wonders for my sister… when her baby was hitting the terrible two’s she couldn’t take him anywhere without him pitching a fit the only thing that stopped it was a portable dvd player! It worked like magic. He would watch his little cartoons and the screaming, running around and throwing things stopped. He’s almost four now and she has “weaned” him from the dvd player..so far,so good! 🙂
courtney
I have been there and I feel your pain. I also used to say things like “why can’t they keep their kid quiet?” and “my child will never . . .”. I now beg the forgiveness of anyone who ever was a subject of those comments (even if they didn’t hear them). When my son gets all psycho my husband starts saying things like “for it often throws him into the fire”. It drives me crazy, but it is pretty funny. Hang in there they do get better (I think).
Life of a Doctor's Wife
I love love love your honesty! This is the kind of post that us non-parents NEED to read. I was always one of the judgmental types, looking at parents and their screaming kids and thinking, “Man, they are doing something WRONG.” But reading posts like this has totally mellowed me. I see parents and – unless there is something egregious going on – I realize they are likely doing the best that they can.
Sorry you had such a rotten night!
Margaret
I totally feel your frustration. I hate nights like that because they make me feel like a horrible parent. Last December we went to a wedding, and the deal was that we’d take our son to the ceremony and cocktail hour and then drive home and leave him with my Mom. The week before our son got sick, and so I knew this was a disaster waiting to happen. I had a meltdown when he wouldn’t fall asleep when we took him home but we left him with my Mom anyway, hoping he would miraculously calm down. When we arrived home a few hours later my mother was on the verge of breaking and E was STILL screaming.
It was sort of this moment where we questioned all our parenting skills. And what we should have done instead. Should we just have stayed home? Was that ok, if the point was to attend a wedding and see friends we never get to see? What’s the balance between making him adapt to our life and changing our life so that he can thrive? Looking back on the horror of that night I’m still not sure. But you live through it, you learn and the next time you make slightly more informed decisions.
And btw I could not stop laughing when you talked about Beaner letting his mouth hang open so the food slides back out. Ezra does this, too, and it is hilarious!
Diana
Wow, reading that brought back all those stressful feelings of trying to make a tired baby happy! I think you’ve probably learned a lot from this experience and realize that taking a tired baby to a restaurant is not a good idea. Sometimes you just have to change your plans when children are involved. Could your friends have come over to your house and you’d order take-out? Could you have found a sitter at the last minute? I know it’s difficult to change plans, but you probably realize now that that would have been better than what you went through.
Also, a piece of advice I heard after my kids were grown…if a toddler is acting up (for no good reason other than they want out of the highchair) and you need to take them outside, take them to the car and put them in their carseat until they settle down. By taking them out of the restaurant and letting them run around on the grass you are just reinforcing the idea that if they misbehave they’ll get to go outside and play! I’m not saying you did this, and Bean certainly was just a tired boy, but in the future you might want to keep this in mind. You are doing a great job!
Katie
That is a really great idea about the car seat thing. Bean is a little young right now, but in the next year or so we’ll have to remember that.
Lyndsey
Caveat 1: I don’t have any kids
Caveat 2: I was a server through college so I’ve seen my share of kids, eating, and meltdowns
So I have to tell you… I absolutely love your blog, its a daily read and I think that you and Christ are hilarious (I make my fiance read your posts back and forth to each other sometimes) and that you are handling motherhood in a way I can only hope to.
That being said… just to give you another opinion… getting a babysitter in the future is really probably the best idea. When I see parents out with babies screaming (as a waitress or a customer), I never think they’re bad parents. Kids scream, its like their job or something to be loud and unpredictable. But I do always think…. wow they should really never have been here. My parents just never ever took me or my sibling out to dinner until we were old enough to behave ourselves, and if they HAD to because of a family event or something and we acted up, that was it the whole family left pronto no matter what. My parents did a lot of picking up food to bring home if they didn’t want to cook, rather than going out to dinner. I know it must really suck to think that your choices for eating out are going to be limited to when you’ll be able to find a babysitter for the next few years, but it seems like its really the only way to prevent this kind of thing from happening.
Anyways… thats just my opinion. Please don’t hate me 🙂
Katie
That is exactly the summary we had from the night, too. Lesson learned. When we see the signs coming, plan accordingly! No offense taken at all! 🙂
Lyndsey
I’m gad you don’t hate me 🙂 Also– I just noticed that I typed “Christ” rather than “Chris.” Proof-reading FAIL.
Newlywed & Unemployed
Like Lyndsey, I must declare ahead of time that I don’t have children. (I hope to.) But I do eat out.
I think in this case, it would have perfectly fine for you to tell your friend that you’ve had ominous, foreboding portents concerning Bean and the evening and that it’d be better for everyone to just reschedule.
From what I’ve read, you’re a good mom and you pay close attention to Bean and try to read his patterns and you know him well. That’s invaluable and I’d be inclined to trust your judgment when it comes to your own child.
I hope you’ll have another, more pleasant evening with your friend soon!
(And yes, please don’t hate me either.)
Lisa
As frustrating as it must have been, I’m sorry but I found your post really funny. I guess that is why your blog is so great, because you can take situations that are so utterly stressful at the time and see the humour in them!
My poor hubby bore the brunt of another couple’s screaming children the other week (we don’t have children yet). He was overseas and met up with friends of ours that had moved there whom we haven’t seen for about 4 years. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, the kids decided they had had enought and child #1 began to scream bloody murder, causing child #2 to scream even louder. Unfortunately, neither one of them could be calmed so they had to cut their meeting short and my hubby came home to declare that we were not having children for a while! Guess I better show him the day at the park post now….
Karen
This is absolutely hilarious and reminds me of my child for sure. Also makes me feel better about my child, because I’ve taken him out in public and been totally embarrassed….but your post made me realize that it could be worse. MUCH WORSE. 🙂
Christina
It’s all so true!! Every parent can relate to it.
Babysitter…the way to go, man. 🙂
Jaclyn
I don’t remember my own phase like this at all (though apparently I would only eat crackers at restaurants for a good year or so…) but I do remember once when my sister was a baby, and they scooped the butter like little ice cream scoops and so she thought it WAS ice cream. Which she HAD TO HAVE RIGHT THIS MINUTE OMG. It was so bad my uncle had to get a to go box for his meal and sit outside with her while she freaked out. We were at the beach on vacation, and so we didn’t have babysitters, or any other options for what to do with her, but man oh man, I was only 5 or 6 and I remember that one.
http://jaclynclaire.wordpress.com
Mariah
I hope this doesn’t come across too harshly and I mean it with all the understanding of one who has been in this situation too many times to count, I’ve just got to say that sometimes you have to just take the kid and leave. Missing a nap is a big thing for a kid and will cause a melt-down every time, it’s not fair to anyone to have to suffer thru that kind of scene (you & your spouse, the friends you are with, the ppl around you). Sometimes you have to cancel plans, leave or whatever and it sucks but that’s the life of a parent! It will get better~
Katie
Not harsh at all. Its just a good lesson for us to learn as new parents. A hard lesson, but a good one. Thanks for the constructive comment. 🙂
allison
I can picture this in my head! I used to waitress and I can tell you, it’s okay…it happens all the time! But then again, I love children. I give you props for bringing Bean with you. Although it didn’t work out this time, please don’t give up. I think it’s great that you are bringing him out and about. 🙂 Just keep on being the great mother that you are!
Ella
Ive lost count of the amount of times ive HAD to leave a restraunt mid meal. My son and restraunts do not work so we try to not take him if we can help it. Hope you get to catch up with your friend again soon.
Tressa
You are to funny… Love the way you tell us stories of things happening in your life!
I’m sorry you had a bad night out for dinner. I’m going back to the big boy haircut and swing post!! 😉
Ashley
If he were 2, then someone MIGHT be able to say “What is wrong with those parents?” But he’s 9 months, and at that age you really can’t control their behavior. You just have to go with it. I think it’s actually great that you’ve brought him to restaurants. I know some parents don’t believe in it, but my parents brought me up going to all kinds of places and I knew from an early age how to behave in a restaurant. Bean will too, when he’s old enough to actually understand what it means to behave! It’s not his fault. Anyone who understands kids knows that. No worries!
That was kind of hilarious, though. Especially the part about asking your OBGYN to perform a hysterectomy in his/her kitchen.
Cindy
I love your post and I love the comments above. It makes me feel so much more normal. I have learned with my 17month old that she just does not do well when we go out to eat. Soooooo we don’t usually go out to eat unless (1) She is in a good mood, has had her nap, and is ready to eat also or (2) someone is available to babysit. This has meant that we eat more meals at home and eat healthier and plus we are saving money:) Please continue to post about these real life events that make all of us moms feel like we are normal!
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Megan
Thanks for that hysterical laughter. And I laugh with you…not at you. I’ve so been there and I’m sure I will be there again.
Matter of fact…I’m up at this un-Godly hour because my child has awakened…for the 3 time crying. Teething you say? WHO THE HELL KNOWS!! But I’m SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT!
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
Jordan
OH my WORD!!! This is the funniest thing!!! I seriously cried from laughing so hard at the possessed by the Devil comment!
Sharilyn
Oh, this brings back memories. There was a time when our son was a toddler and in the throes of that ‘bad restaurant behavior’ phase. We were traveling a lot as a family at that point (job related–long story), so eating out was often the only option. We were in Seattle and it was a great opportunity to visit friends we hadn’t seen for years. They preferred meeting us at a restaurant–a family friendly pancake house. Our son was HORRIBLE. Threw his breakfast on the floor, screamed, fussed. We took turns hanging outside with him. You know, 12 years later those friends still DON’T have children…
Bec
My internet ADD led me to this post. I bet you can’t wait for this stage with Gracie, huh? I like reading your old Bean posts and comparing them to my little boy (7 months old).