When I first moved to Florida, there was a snake in my driveway and I hit it with my car and you all shamed me for the brutal murder. Remember that?
Ever since that post and all the comments about how I really should have just left the snake alone because snakes are people, too…
(Wait a minute…That’s not right…)
Anyway, I thought long and hard about it and decided you all were right. Snakes are friends, not food.
So, I have made every effort to live in peace with my reptilian neighbors. Thankfully, I haven’t seen another snake yet but I have seen quite a few lizards and though I have screamed until I’m sure their tiny little lizard ears fell off, I haven’t harmed a one of ’em.
Lately though, I’ve noticed that there is one lizard that keeps hanging around. He hangs out near my back door and I see him almost every day. And, he’s huge.
He freaks me out, but I am trying my hardest to get used to him. I figure, maybe if he had a name it wouldn’t be so bad. Like, maybe I could actually think of him as a pet. So, I named him Elvis. Now, whenever I walk outside and he’s sitting there, I scream bloody murder, jump back into my house, pant a lot, and then slowly open the door and whisper, “He-he-hello, Elivs…” I figure if I keep doing that, eventually I’ll drop the screaming and jumping and panting part of that routine.
But then this weekend it was like Elvis wanted me to take our relationship to a whole new level. He wanted me to meet his family. And I was unprepared.
I have a house plant that I have somehow managed to keep alive and on sunny days I set her out in my back yard so she can get some sun. She had been outside for a few days last week, so on Saturday I brought her inside for some AC. Every lady needs a little AC in here life, right?
I put her in my kitchen sink and gave her lots of water. And what do you think jumped out of my beautiful house plant while I was giving her the Drink of Life?
(ignore the dirty sink – I was in the middle of cleaning my kitchen when this happened)
Elvis introduced me to his much smaller brother, Costello.
And I proceeded to freak the crap out.
There was much screaming and much jumping and much panting. And as I made quite a scene, little Costello kept trying to climb up out of my sink. But it didn’t take either of us long to figure out that he couldn’t make it up the deep sides, which terrified Costello but made me feel much better about my current predicament.
Finally, I decided that this was Elvis testing me. He wanted to see how I really felt about him and my new relationship with reptiles. Was I just about the appearance of loving all God’s scaley creatures or was I really committed?
I’ll show you how serious I am, Elvis! I thought.
And so I grabbed a cup and tried to scoop Costello out of the sink. But Costello apparently wasn’t crazy about this idea because he began to freak the crap out. He started wiggling and running and jumping and…oh, it was awful!
Especially when I realized somewhere in the process, I had accidentally cut off the tip of Costello’s tail when trying to trap him in the cup. And – funny thing – did you know that a lizard’s tail CONTINUES TO WIGGLE AFTER IT HAS BEEN SEVERED??????
Not cool. So totally not cool.
Now, I’m screaming and jumping and panting all over again and I swear I thought I saw Elvis hanging his head in disappointment through my kitchen window.
At this point, Bean has realized something is happening in the kitchen and so he had made his way into the kitchen wielding – what else? – his plastic golf club which he uses to beat things such as our television, our couches, and Big Molly.
To save Costello from Bean’s dangerous golf club, I…(are you ready for this???)…
REACHED INTO THE SINK AND GRABBED HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!
That’s right. I grabbed him with my hands, ran screaming through my house to my back door, and threw him out into the yard.
I stood there, panting and cursing and just about in tears when who should come strolling across the porch but Elvis. He stopped in front of me, we fist pumped, and I went back inside.
In short, I basically think Elvis is in love with me.