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Oh, There You Are, Peter…

January 9, 2011 /

A little over two months ago, I shared on my blog that I was struggling with depression.  2010 was a rough year for my family and all the pressures and anxieties that come with a big move, unemployment, financial struggles, a home invasion, and an unexpected pregnancy came crashing down around me.  I felt like I was spinning out of control and couldn’t find anything to hold onto to steady myself.  Though I blogged about it in November, that was actually the beginning of the end of my season of depression.  For months prior to that I was dealing with it by myself and hadn’t spoken to anyone about it.  I say that because what I am about to say may seem premature and rushed had this only been a two month process and I realize that other people reading this and dealing with depression might feel like it would be impossible to make this next statement after only a two month period.  But please realize that I was dealing with depression for many, many months before I wrote about it here, so this is a long time coming for me:

I can see myself again.

IMG_7125

It started right around Thanksgiving.  I would catch myself laughing and it wasn’t that forced laughter; it was genuine happiness.  But at that point it only lasted for a couple hours at a time.  But being around family and friends at Thanksgiving really helped me to sustain that happiness for much longer periods.  Gradually, I started to feel more like myself for longer bits of time.  And that made me even happier.

Over the Christmas break, there was not only genuine happiness and smiles, but gut-laughing and silliness and the ability to look beyond myself for a change.  I spent time talking with family.  I spent time listening to family.  I relished the small things – church on Christmas Eve, Bean’s face on Christmas morning, Chris squeezing my hand when he brushed by me in the hall, spending time with my sister.  In the hustle of the holidays, which had previously weighed me down and made me heavy with sadness, I found that by focusing on those small little joys in my everyday life, I was able to smile and laugh more.  And I started to feel like myself for days.  Even weeks.

Last week I had a really stressful time at work.  Every day it seemed like something new was jumping up to complicate things.  But I came home one night last week and gave myself time to think through what all was going on and I said to myself, “So what?”  So what if I am being asked to do a few extra things in my day-to-day at work?  So what if other people are frantic and stressed out?  So what if deadlines are closer and expectations are higher?  So what?  I’m doing the best I can.  I feel good everyday at the work I do.  And aside from those things, everything else is out of my control.  And with that one little thought, I let it all go.

That was a big turning point for me in my struggle with depression.  Before, I would have worried and worried and worried some more about the changes at work (none of which are necessarily BAD changes, by the way, just a new way of doing things…).  I would have stayed awake until all hours of the morning thinking about it.  I would have lost interest in my job completely because it became a little more demanding.  So the fact that I could tell myself I had to just let it go and then the fact that I could actually let it all go tells me that I’m coming out of this.  I’m not letting that stress and worry hold me down or hold me back.  And that is something I haven’t felt in over a year.

Today I had coffee with a new friend who I hope I get to know even better.  She shared with me that she had been dealing with a lot of the same things I have been going through this year and that depression had crept into her life as well.  Like me, she is on the upside of things and seems to be coming back to her normal, well-balanced self, but we talked today a little bit about what has helped us get through.  And we both agreed there were two central things.

First, I gave myself permission to feel what I felt and then I gave myself permission to make myself happy.  I have learned that ignoring what you’re feeling – sadness, depression, loneliness – only makes that feeling seem even more overwhelming.  Like a monster in a closet to a child, when you drag it out into the light of day, give it a name, and really get to know those feelings, they feel much smaller and less significant.  And once they are smaller and less significant, it’s a lot easier to deal with them.  I made a few major changes in my life once I was able to identify and embrace what I was dealing with.  I cut back on a few things, like writing and feeling obligated to make every single person around me comfortable and happy.  I readjusted what a successful working pregnant mother of a toddler looks like by defining that role myself.  Sure, I may only serve those steamed bags of veggies for dinner instead of cooking with a pot and a pan every night, but at least my family is being fed.  And, yes, I occasionally pass my child off on Chris or whatever grandparent happens to be close by in order to take a nap or get a pedicure or watch a movie in peace.  I do these things and I kick the guilt because I’ve seen what can happen to myself when I don’t get the time for myself that I need and I know that no shortcut will ever be as hard on my family as being in that low place was.  They say a happy momma makes for a happy home.  I’m 99% positive that phrase was uttered by the husband of a working mother dealing with depression.  When I’m at my best, my family is happier and so if I have to cut myself some slack to get back to that place, then that’s okay.

I have also learned over the past year to ask for and accept help.  A very humbling thing for a person like me who thinks they can do it all, all the time.  Throughout the past year though, I have had to ask for help numerous times.  With money, with finding balance, with rebuilding my faith, with setting priorities, and the list goes on.  My Grandma told me one time that when you allow someone to help you, you are really giving them the opportunity to feel good and useful.  And I’ve seen that firsthand in the past few months.  At times when I really just hated speaking up and saying, “I’m not able to do this on my own right now,” I have been astonished at the sheer volume of people and in the ways those people loved the opportunity to stand up for me.  From my sweet husband who lovingly told me that this would pass and until it did, he would be standing beside me, to my parents who seem to actually find pleasure in bearing my burdens, to my sister who just beams when she encourages me, to Chris’s family who has given as if there were no need to even ask in the first place, to friends who have smiled and hugged me when they were able to do things as significant as find me a job, to blog readers who shared some of the most heartwarming, heart-wrenching, wonderful stories of their own perseverance through similar situations…  I have truly been astonished at what happens to not just the recipient, but to the giver when they have the opportunity to give.  And as the recipient of those gifts, I cannot tell you what goodness that feeds my soul.

Through this experience, I have learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was.  But I have also learned that no one will ever be strong enough when they rely only on themselves.   It’s not about doing it all yourself, just to be able to say that you do it all yourself.  It’s not about being the perfect wife or mother or daughter or sister or friend.  It’s not about smiling all the time.  It’s not about what your life appears to be to others.  That is not strength.  Strength comes from the faith that fills my heart and from those special people – known and unknown – who are standing with their arms open long before I even have to ask for help.  That’s what true strength is.

It is the ability to recognize that we can reach so much higher when we allow others lift us up.

One of my all-time favorite movies is Hook. And one of my favorite parts is when the Lost Boys are picking sides and choosing between their new leader, Rufio, and Peter.  They almost all choose Rufio because he sees himself as the leader and Peter can no longer see himself for who he truly is – Peter Pan.  Instead, he has become something unrecognizable to those boys he grew up with.  But the last Lost Boy comes up to Peter before making his decision.  He pulls Peter down to his height and looks into his eyes and he begins to pull and prod his face, studying every wrinkle, every freckle, every inch.  Finally, after a long moment of studied silence, the Lost Boy recognizes his old friend.  He breaks into a smile and says, “Oh, there you are, Peter.”

After months, almost a year, of feeling like I don’t recognize myself, I am finally able to say, “Oh, there you are, Katie.”  And there were never sweeter words to hear.

*****

Today I am grateful for Chris and my parents for giving me a day to myself.

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50 Comments

  • Jen c

    January 9, 2011 at 9:09 pm Reply

    Depression is an extremely difficult thing to admit to, fight, and overcome in order to live your life. I give you and your family and friends super kudos for helping you get to the place you are today. Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way!

  • Maggie

    January 9, 2011 at 9:14 pm Reply

    So happy for you that you can see yourself again! I’m working on that myself, and I’m encouraged that soon I’ll be able to recognize myself again too.

  • Maybelline @ Naturalmente Mam¡

    January 9, 2011 at 9:16 pm Reply

    You’re a wonderful person! I feel so lucky to have found your blog. I love how unique and honest you are… That’s why I always come back and I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. I’m truly happy that you’re seeing yourself again.. God Bless you!

  • Maryellen

    January 9, 2011 at 9:18 pm Reply

    Katie, this post has just warmed me inside and out. I even cried a little, but that’s strange seeing as I’ve never met you…so I will blame it on my own pregnancy hormones. Way to reference Hook! That totally made my day!

  • Eliz@The Sweet Life

    January 9, 2011 at 9:26 pm Reply

    “It is the ability to recognize that we can reach so much higher when we allow others lift us up.” — This is a beautiful, true, humble, and encouraging statement. Your story is really beautiful and I deeply appreciate your honesty.

  • colleen

    January 9, 2011 at 9:28 pm Reply

    I LOVE that movie. And I know exactly what part you are talking about. What a great comparison. Oh, there you are Katie.

  • Sommer

    January 9, 2011 at 9:31 pm Reply

    Katie, I am one of your faithful readers that normally never comments 🙂 but this was too good not to. It was so touching! You really have a way putting into words what I have felt at times in the past. I have definite perfectionist tendencies that I battle with. It’s good to know we aren’t alone!

  • Mary Kate

    January 9, 2011 at 9:47 pm Reply

    I am so happy I stopped by the website tonight. I’ve been battling the same feeling of losing myself as well after several huge life changes, and this post has made me feel even more like I will come through it. This might sound crazy, but this blog and your attitude is definitely a blessing in my life.

  • Sara @ EcoVintageWeddings

    January 9, 2011 at 10:40 pm Reply

    I’m so, so elated for you and your growing family. Thank you for being so honest and open – I’ve definitely felt down and out at times in my life, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your willingness to share your journey back to “normalcy.” Lots of love!

  • Amy @ Serve At Once

    January 9, 2011 at 10:45 pm Reply

    Katie, this post warms me beyond words. I have been praying for you since your big move, and I’m SO glad you are coming out of the other side of this! You are so gracefully articulate, and I can definitely take this post to heart. I’m entering a big season of change in my life. I’m graduating from college, and as someone who has always been an academic kid who’s not going to graduate school (and entering the world with an ENGLISH degree of all things), it’s safe to say that I’m a little daunted with finding a job and finding contentment. But then I think about you and how you’ve committed to blooming where you’re planted, and I become a much more confident person. As someone who strives for independence, I think about how humbled I am to ask for others’ help in finding a job; now I will think about your sweet grandmothers’ words about the beauty of letting others help you. And she’s exactly right.

    God bless you, Katie. I’ve truly enjoyed getting to know you and your family, and I’m so blessed to get to see glimpses of such a beautiful person.

  • Alyson @EisleyRaeClothing

    January 9, 2011 at 10:49 pm Reply

    Katie, I’ve been there! I’m so happy for you that were able to pick yourself back up on your own and find YOU! Depression is NOT an easy thing to deal with. Especially when you’re keeping it inside. You ARE a strong lady.. if you weren’t, you wouldn’t have been able to do this on your own. Love the reference to “Hook”! I truly hope for you, that you’ll always see yourself as YOU now. Hugs!

  • Lori C

    January 9, 2011 at 11:24 pm Reply

    This post made me cry. Our prayers are being answered, and I am thankful that you have shared your story with all of us. Keep climbing out of the dark hole of depression and, as Peter Pan would say, find your happy thought:)

  • Jen @ OurSuperLife

    January 9, 2011 at 11:37 pm Reply

    Katie,
    Just coming out of the comment silence to let you know that you are in my prayers (as you are in the prayers of all of your readers!). As a therapist I can tell you that you are taking all the right steps to get out of the hole. Keep on keeping on!!!!!! <3

  • Lindsay (YoungMarriedMom)

    January 9, 2011 at 11:42 pm Reply

    Hi Katie! First, agreed that Hook is a fabulous movie–thank you for bringing that scene to life in a whole new way. Second, I can absolutely relate to those times when you’ve been feeling off to whatever extent for a while, and then a deep belly laugh coming from your own mouth takes you by surprise and you see that things will not always be as they are, and that there is more good to come. And third, I love your definition of true strength. That’s something I need to write down and put with my little tidbits of inspiration–it’s a reminder I often need! Thank you for sharing so much of your beautiful self with us!

  • Kristen

    January 10, 2011 at 12:45 am Reply

    I love that line in Hook too! I thought I was the only one who liked that movie. I’m glad we are able to appreciate such cinematic genius. 😀 And glad that you’ve come through to the other side. It’s lovely over here.

  • Alaina

    January 10, 2011 at 7:16 am Reply

    Overcoming depression definitely is a daily process and it’s one that you don’t think will ever end, but eventually you do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so happy that you do find moments of happiness and pure joy and you are beginning to feel like yourself again.

  • Sarah H.

    January 10, 2011 at 8:30 am Reply

    Very well said! I think the things you mentioned…time for your self, asking for help, being aware of how you feel and not ashamed about it, etc are great reminders for all Moms and Moms to be!! Thanks 🙂

  • Casper

    January 10, 2011 at 9:46 am Reply

    So glad to hear. Glad you are feeling better and have some strategies to work through things if they happen to come back up again! I hear you on the asking for help thing, I have a hard time with that as well!

  • molly

    January 10, 2011 at 10:10 am Reply

    Good for you, Katie. I’m glad to you’re back to your old self again.

    As someone who has suffered with a mental illness for all of my adult life it is always refreshing to see a more “popular” blogger write about their struggles. It’s good for people to realize that although life might look perfect, it’s not.

    I was wondering though, did you ever think about taking medication? Did anyone ever recommend that for you or recommend that you see a therapist? Maybe you did and you just didn’t advertise that.

    I just don’t want people to assume that they can get through major depression by “waiting it out.” I hate that I have to take medication to function correctly. But that’s just what it takes to make my brain work correctly. I think it’s great if you didn’t have to take it that far. But I know that for many people, that’s what it takes to pull out of major depression.

    But I’m proud of you. Especially for writing about it. It is so hard for me to write about my struggles and make them public on my blog. But I truly feel like this is why I’m blogging. To let people know that you can have a mental illness and still have a good life!

  • Julie

    January 10, 2011 at 10:20 am Reply

    Katie, kudos for sharing your story with others. You are not alone in this and by you sharing your story, you are helping others. Welcome back Katie!

  • Tiffany

    January 10, 2011 at 11:21 am Reply

    I’m proud of you for finding strength (and support!) you didn’t know you had and continuing to move forward through your journey! It’s really good to hear that you’re feeling more like yourself lately too… yourself is pretty wonderful, after all. Wishing you good luck, much love, and plenty of belly-laughs in 2011!

  • Cath

    January 10, 2011 at 11:23 am Reply

    Katie, I truly love reading your blog, even though I don’t comment. Congratulations on finally reaching the light at the end of the tunnel! This last post made me tear up, even though I don’t know you. I’ve gone through a very similar year to what you’ve experienced. I had moved 1000 miles away from home, ended a long-term relationship, met the wonderful man who is now my husband, felt guilty about ending the long term relationship and finding my husband because it made my ex-boyfriend miserable, had my house broken into, given my dog to my parents because she couldn’t get a long with my soon-to-be husband, and decided that I couldn’t/didn’t want to finish graduate school. I’m normally a strong, can-do, perfectionist and all of this took its toll and I was spiraled down into a depression. There were moments where I wanted to end it all because I felt I had screwed my life up so badly that I could never fix it. Then add in the fact that I’m from an old-school Southern family where you don’t discuss feelings and should NEVER go see a therapist because if you shouldn’t discuss things with your family and friends you most definitely shouldn’t discuss them with a complete stranger! Eventually, I clawed my way out of the hole, but I still find myself starting to sink down into it when times get tough. Like you, I know now it’s ok to ask for help, no matter how difficult asking for help may seem. Bottom line, thank you for blogging! You’ve shown me that our imaginary friends in the blogoshpere do care. God bless!

  • Sara R

    January 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm Reply

    Love this post, Katie! It’s so good to hear that you’re starting to feel like yourself again. You really touched my heart in the part you wrote about asking for help from the people who already have their arms open ready – sometimes we need to just ask, and we forget how easy that is sometimes. Thanks for sharing, it meant a lot to me to read your post today.

  • Michelle

    January 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm Reply

    I’m so happy for you Katie, and so very proud that you’ve been able to fight this. You are so strong, and everyone reading your blog can see that. We all have love for you, that’s why we read your posts on a daily basis. 🙂 Good luck Katie!

  • Lissa

    January 10, 2011 at 9:12 pm Reply

    Aww, that’s a great thing to hear! I find that motherhood in general makes it harder to find yourself, let alone having depression on top of it. Definitely continue to ask for help when you need or let things slide if you need the break – just try to enjoy this time as much as you can.

  • Jenn

    January 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm Reply

    lovely post Katie! I love how you said you gave yourself permission to feel the way you did. I think that sometimes that is the hardest part. Thanks for being so transparent and honest, I always love to read your writing. Be blessed!

  • HeatherN

    January 11, 2011 at 1:19 am Reply

    Your post is a great reminder of how healing is such a gift from God. You are healing from your depression, and that is so good to see, I mean, hear, I mean, read. For you, your family really seems to be a key part of your healing, and that is AWESOME, and and it’s great that they are now so close to help you through your hard times. If something else had sent you into this depression while you were living up in CT, I’m guessing you would have had a much harder time climbing out of it, because you would not have had their support close by. It’s amazing how when life puts you through the ringer, time with close friends and family just sets you back to you- at least it does for me, and it sounds like it does for you.

    Good for you, keep up with all of your hard work, and keep taking care of yourself, because as you are learning, if you don’t take care of yourself, you end up in a place where you can’t take care of anyone else either.

  • Amy

    January 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm Reply

    Your honest is so refreshing and it is no wonder that so many people flock to your blog. I am sure that many of us can relate to whatever problems or successes you might be having. Sometimes, I see myself in your place when you’re trying to teach Bean lessons or just something as simple as learning to tie a bow.

  • Stephanie

    January 13, 2011 at 10:26 am Reply

    Thank you for this post … I have been relating so much to you lately and appreciate everything you have said and been honest about!

  • Erin

    January 13, 2011 at 3:01 pm Reply

    Katie, you’re an inspiration. I usually read but hardly ever comment, but I do want to say that I’m honored to be able to read about a very personal struggle, and I’m incredibly proud of you for being able to publicly do so. Knowing that someone else is able to cope, and having examples of things that help you makes my own struggle a little easier, because I know that I’m not the only person in that same place.

  • ml

    January 15, 2011 at 9:54 pm Reply

    Hi, I LOVE that my blog hero lives so close. Visit our class soon. You have inspired me to blog, but on a very small scale… southernml.blogspot.com/
    You rock, Katie. You’ll be an amazing mommy of 2, just as you rock as mom of Bean.

  • Rachel

    January 16, 2011 at 8:36 am Reply

    Learning to let others help me is something I need to [continue to!] learn too.

    I’m so glad that things are getting better for you Katie, and I pray that things will continue to go well. 🙂

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