Eff This Healthy Shizzzz

A few weeks ago, I blogged about how I have given up certain things in my life in order to simplify and make myself happier.  One of the things I gave up was dieting.  This was stupid.

I have now reached a size where I don’t even feel like myself anymore.  You know those unflattering pictures that sometimes get taken of you by accident?  The ones where you are in the peripheral or the background and you were clearly not prepared to be photographed?  You’re hunched over in the most unflattering position and you look like you are slouching on purpose to show every stomach roll that you have?  Ugh.

Well, I have started to look like that in every photo that gets taken of me.  But the difference is that I AM preparing to take a picture.  I’m sucking in, sitting up straight, and using children to strategically cover up my trouble areas.  And I STILL look like that!   Also, my arms are getting lumpy.  I didn’t even know arms could GET lumpy.  But in all these pictures recently, I’m like, “What’s that shadow on my arm?”  Oh, wait.  IT’S MY GIGGLY BITS.

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And it’s not just the pictures that frustrate me.  I feel terrible!  No energy and sleeping all the time.  I thought for a few weeks that maybe my old friend Depression was sneaking back up on me, but I am actually feeling great mentally.  Relaxed and happy.  Then I realized that I basically get ZERO physical movement during the day.  None.  Zip. Zilch.  And I always feel better when I’m up and moving.

For several weeks now, I have been waking up early in the mornings and laying in bed thinking, “I could go run right now…  Just do it…  Just get out of bed… One… two… three…  UP!  Okay, let’s try again in a few minutes…”

Finally, this morning I was over myself.  This was ridiculous.  So, I got up, laced up, and out I went.

I almost died.  Like, three times.  It was the worst experience of my life.  The layer of fat that has enclosed my body was jiggling so much it felt like I had ants biting me all over.  You know at Christmas when you buy a real Christmas tree and they put it in that needle shaker thingy to shake all the needles off?  I felt like I was standing on one of those and all my needles were shaking.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, my hives came back.  (Because I’m allergic to exercise, remember?)   Finally, my running buddy, Jeff Galloway (more on him in a minute) said in my ear, “YOU’RE DOING GREAT!”

“Thanks, Jeff!” I said back.  “Let’s start that cool down, buddy!”

“You’re half way done!” said stupid Jeff.

And then I lost my shizz.

“EFF YOU, JEFF GALLOWAY!  HALFWAY DONE MY ASS!  I’VE RUN AN EFFING MARATHON OUT HERE!  26.2 MILES, YOU ASS CLOWN!”  I stopped running and ranting for a minute and checked my stats on my running app.  I had run .6 miles.  “I HATE YOU, JEFF GALLOWAY!”

And I yanked my headphones out of my ear and walked home.

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Here’s the thing about running.  No wonder runners love to run.  Their bodies are built for it.  Runners are lean and trim and built to carry themselves over miles of road.  But my body is no longer a runners body.  My body is a soggy, flabby, teacher-on-summer-vacation-who-tries-to-avoid-movement body.  It’s heavier and has no muscles to carry the heaviness.  Ergo, running is the devil.  But tomorrow, I’ll try again.  And I’ll keep trying until my body is lighter and running isn’t a suicide attempt, but is instead a lovely way to start the day.

I’m also starting my go-to three week boot camp diet cleanse.  I got the menu last summer when I did a boot camp.  The menu was part of our work out regiment and, while I hate it with every fiber of my being and constantly curse under my breath as I’m eating for three weeks, I love it.  It’s simple and easy to follow.  Basically, I eat nothing but lettuce and protein.  Oh, and sometimes a banana.  LIVE IT UP!

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In the past, the Jeff Galloway 5k app has been my best results workout.  I hate him as much as I hate my diet cleanse, but both he and my diet are good for me, so… whatever.  I like the Jeff Galloway app because you can use it no matter what point in your exercise journey you are.  I use it when, like now, I haven’t run in over a year and I’m jiggly and soft, but I can also use it when I’ve been running consistently and am breezing through a three to five mile run (that was a long time ago…  I don’t really “breeze” anymore…).  You can set the pace to match what you are comfortable with, and I love that it is a walk/run format.  Right now, I am set on one minute walk and one minute run (1:1), but whenever I can make it through a run without my entire life flashing before my eyes, I can bump that up a different ratio that pushes me a little bit more.

I also like the Jeff Galloway app because he periodically talks to you during your run.  He says encouraging and inspiring things like, “You’re doing great!” and “Keep up that pace!”  And this gives me someone to yell at while I’m running.  I always feel better when I can take my anger out on a random person and/or digital voice.  So, my buddy Jeff encourages me and I curse him out.  It’s a win/win.

So, fine.  I’m going to get fit and healthy and be all hot and sexy and whatever.  BUT I’M NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.

P.S. Eff you, Jeff Galloway.

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15 Thoughts to “Eff This Healthy Shizzzz”

  1. Nikki

    This is so me! Saw a picture of all my giggly bits in a bathing suit, and couldn’t believe how bad I looked! How did this happen? I used to be fit! So I too will start running again (no better time than summer in TX, am I right) and watch what I’m eating…but not necessarily go the cleanse route. But first, pizza!

    1. Katie

      “But first, pizza!” Story of my life… LOL!!!!

  2. Jessica Hope

    Check out James Wilson -Faith, Family, Fitness on Facebook. I used to think running and eating less was the answer until I found him. Now I can eat 325 carbs without gaining an ounce! No gimmicks, no crazy diets, just eating and lifting weights.

  3. Lori M.

    I finally had enough when I started unbuttoning my pants because they were uncomfortable. And I may or may not have started doing it in public. That’s what flowy tops are for, right?! I didn’t want to buy new pants (I’m cheap and hate shopping), so I stopped eating like I was 18 again (girl scout cookies after breakfast is ok, isn’t it?), found foods I liked and were healthy and started bike riding. I have always wanted to be a runner too, but it’s just not in the cards for me -short legs and weak arches. I would say it’s good to find a physical activity you enjoy doing so you’ll keep doing it and healthy eating that’s sustainable in the long run. The boot camp thing will work short term, but you’ll fall back into the old habits unless you create new lasting ones. Keep at it and you’ll find your balance.

    1. Oh, this made me laugh right out loud! This is so reminiscent of many things I feel lately with weight loss and “lifestyle change.” Your writing is so witty and engaging! I will continue to follow you, now that I have found you! I just started a blog myself, all about marriage and relationships: http://www.indiscriminatemusings.com
      I look forward to following you on your adventures!

  4. Kimberly M.

    Loving this post. I am EXACTLY where you are right now, and trying to motivate myself out of it. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Thank you!!!

  5. Rebecca

    Have you heard of Daily Burn 365? If not, check it out. They are new total body workouts every day and are only 30 minutes. No equipment needed. Exercise and dieting sucks! Good luck!

  6. Stephanie

    I’ve tried to be a runner so many times, but it’s just not enjoyable for me at any point, even when I was getting better at it! I started Pure Barre two years ago and it’s been life changing. I still eat semi-poorly (curse you, sweet tooth!) so PB has helped me maintain my mid 20s body while inhaling chocolate regularly. Find something you love and it becomes so much easier. Rooting for you, Katie!

  7. Nicole

    I just googled Jeff Galloway. He’s 70?!?! Uh, no. I can’t have a 70yr old man running better than me. Lol! (At this point, I can’t even have a 7yr old running better than me!)

  8. September

    I can relate to this. I am a runner, but I’m in my forties and nine months pregnant with my 4th baby. Coming back from this isn’t going to be pretty.

  9. Haha, the fiance and I are in the same place, wedding planning plus full time jobs mean no time for diet and exercise, but come August after the wedding, we might try some Jeff Galloway too, eek!

  10. Sara

    Yup, same story over here! I tried the “I don’t care, I’m going to enjoy life” route and ended up cranky, tired, and unhappy because none of my clothes fit any more. Now I’m slowly making my way down to a healthy (clothes-fitting) weight by watching what I eat and stepping it up with the exercise. I think there’s a healthy balance between not dieting all the time, but also not letting yourself go. We don’t need to be slaves to the scale, but we also need to be responsible for what’s best for our health (both physically and mentally). Good luck!

  11. JoDee

    I’m so glad you’re blogging again! I have been saying I’m going to get more active since January. I even met with a personal trainer a couple of weeks ago for round six of “really, I’m seriously going to start exercising this month…” But still no action. Yet somehow running when I’m told and stopping when I’m given permission seems oddly appealing and easy. So downloading Jeff Galloway now and putting my brand new (yet they’re actually 6+ months old) running shoes on.

    1. Katie

      That’s exactly why I like it! I like being told what to do, but not by a real person so that I can yell and rant and rave at them without the guilt. It’s kind of therapeutic! Good luck with your run!

  12. Amanda H

    I get the no activity part of life! I am lazy. This is not a plug (promise I get nothing, just really liked it!) check out fitgirls.com . I did the program last year and it really just gave me a good jump start. I failed miserably on the work out part but the food part was nice. It was easy and my kid even liked most of the food. So I guess that’s just an FYI for ya.

    But good on you for getting up and running. 🙂

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