A few weeks ago, I blogged about how I have given up certain things in my life in order to simplify and make myself happier. One of the things I gave up was dieting. This was stupid.
I have now reached a size where I don’t even feel like myself anymore. You know those unflattering pictures that sometimes get taken of you by accident? The ones where you are in the peripheral or the background and you were clearly not prepared to be photographed? You’re hunched over in the most unflattering position and you look like you are slouching on purpose to show every stomach roll that you have? Ugh.
Well, I have started to look like that in every photo that gets taken of me. But the difference is that I AM preparing to take a picture. I’m sucking in, sitting up straight, and using children to strategically cover up my trouble areas. And I STILL look like that! Also, my arms are getting lumpy. I didn’t even know arms could GET lumpy. But in all these pictures recently, I’m like, “What’s that shadow on my arm?” Oh, wait. IT’S MY GIGGLY BITS.
And it’s not just the pictures that frustrate me. I feel terrible! No energy and sleeping all the time. I thought for a few weeks that maybe my old friend Depression was sneaking back up on me, but I am actually feeling great mentally. Relaxed and happy. Then I realized that I basically get ZERO physical movement during the day. None. Zip. Zilch. And I always feel better when I’m up and moving.
For several weeks now, I have been waking up early in the mornings and laying in bed thinking, “I could go run right now… Just do it… Just get out of bed… One… two… three… UP! Okay, let’s try again in a few minutes…”
Finally, this morning I was over myself. This was ridiculous. So, I got up, laced up, and out I went.
I almost died. Like, three times. It was the worst experience of my life. The layer of fat that has enclosed my body was jiggling so much it felt like I had ants biting me all over. You know at Christmas when you buy a real Christmas tree and they put it in that needle shaker thingy to shake all the needles off? I felt like I was standing on one of those and all my needles were shaking. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, my hives came back. (Because I’m allergic to exercise, remember?) Finally, my running buddy, Jeff Galloway (more on him in a minute) said in my ear, “YOU’RE DOING GREAT!”
“Thanks, Jeff!” I said back. “Let’s start that cool down, buddy!”
“You’re half way done!” said stupid Jeff.
And then I lost my shizz.
“EFF YOU, JEFF GALLOWAY! HALFWAY DONE MY ASS! I’VE RUN AN EFFING MARATHON OUT HERE! 26.2 MILES, YOU ASS CLOWN!” I stopped running and ranting for a minute and checked my stats on my running app. I had run .6 miles. “I HATE YOU, JEFF GALLOWAY!”
And I yanked my headphones out of my ear and walked home.
Here’s the thing about running. No wonder runners love to run. Their bodies are built for it. Runners are lean and trim and built to carry themselves over miles of road. But my body is no longer a runners body. My body is a soggy, flabby, teacher-on-summer-vacation-who-tries-to-avoid-movement body. It’s heavier and has no muscles to carry the heaviness. Ergo, running is the devil. But tomorrow, I’ll try again. And I’ll keep trying until my body is lighter and running isn’t a suicide attempt, but is instead a lovely way to start the day.
I’m also starting my go-to three week boot camp diet cleanse. I got the menu last summer when I did a boot camp. The menu was part of our work out regiment and, while I hate it with every fiber of my being and constantly curse under my breath as I’m eating for three weeks, I love it. It’s simple and easy to follow. Basically, I eat nothing but lettuce and protein. Oh, and sometimes a banana. LIVE IT UP!
In the past, the Jeff Galloway 5k app has been my best results workout. I hate him as much as I hate my diet cleanse, but both he and my diet are good for me, so… whatever. I like the Jeff Galloway app because you can use it no matter what point in your exercise journey you are. I use it when, like now, I haven’t run in over a year and I’m jiggly and soft, but I can also use it when I’ve been running consistently and am breezing through a three to five mile run (that was a long time ago… I don’t really “breeze” anymore…). You can set the pace to match what you are comfortable with, and I love that it is a walk/run format. Right now, I am set on one minute walk and one minute run (1:1), but whenever I can make it through a run without my entire life flashing before my eyes, I can bump that up a different ratio that pushes me a little bit more.
I also like the Jeff Galloway app because he periodically talks to you during your run. He says encouraging and inspiring things like, “You’re doing great!” and “Keep up that pace!” And this gives me someone to yell at while I’m running. I always feel better when I can take my anger out on a random person and/or digital voice. So, my buddy Jeff encourages me and I curse him out. It’s a win/win.
So, fine. I’m going to get fit and healthy and be all hot and sexy and whatever. BUT I’M NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.
P.S. Eff you, Jeff Galloway.