The Truth Is
The truth is that since our move to Florida, things have been off for me and Chris.
The truth is that I don’t know how to make this into a funny story or find a life lesson in this right now.
The truth is that some nights after the baby goes to bed, we don’t talk at all.
The truth is that we have more days with tension than we do without.
The truth is that we are both quick to anger lately and that we don’t let any mistake go without some snide comment.
The truth is that we can’t seem to find common ground.
The truth is that I feel guilty for asking Chris to make this move and for putting our family through this rough patch.
The truth is that he feels like things will never be normal again.
The truth is that I feel angry because I stay home all day and he gets to leave.
The truth is that he feels left out because he isn’t here with me and Bean during the day.
The truth is that neither of us can figure out how to make things better and so we’ve just stopped trying.
The truth is that this is the longest period of time we’ve gone with tension in our marriage.
But these are the things I know…
I know that I love Chris more than I could love anyone else.
I know that he loves me just exactly how I need to be loved.
I know that we have to talk more about some things that we just don’t want to talk about.
I know that we will get through this together, but first we have to think through it separately.
I know that we won’t always come to the same conclusions at the same time and that we will have to be patient with each other.
I know that when people say marriage is hard work, these are the times they are talking about.
I know that one day – soon – we’ll feel at home here.
I know that we will have to forgive each other for things that we don’t even recognize we are angry about.
I know that our marriage is bigger and stronger than whatever this is that we are going through right now.
63 Comments
Heather in ND
*HUG* Best of luck to you and Chris, getting through this rough patch in your marriage. I hope things get better for you guys soon!
Caitlin Brown
If there is one couple who can get through it all, I believe it’s you two.
A Long Far View
I’m sorry this move has put so much pressure on you – my fiance and I will be going through one shortly ourselves, but we hope that it will fix the “waiting period” that we currently feel like we’re going through. Anyway. You love each other. Hang on to that and to each other (that’s my plan anyway). And you’ve got lots of internet strangers wishing you the best!
Erin
I totally admire you for admitting that to the Internet. I recently also learned what it means when they say marriages have highs & lows. I know every relationship is different, but don’t try to work thru it too long alone before talking it out together.
Megan
Katie…hang in there! It will get better as long as you make “getting it better” a priority.
Farm Boy and I have had similar issues since our last move.
Keep your love for each other at the forefront of your mind and hold onto it with all your might.
I will say a prayer for you tonight!
Megan
Mom of 3
I have the name of a great counselor in town. Therapy is an amazingly eye-opening experience. A couple of sessions with a neutral party may be all you 2 need to get back on track. I highly recommend it.
Meredith
I agree with you. I didn’t want to sound intrusive, but this is also what I was thinking. I think counseling in general, in the US, has an unfair stigma; especailly for married couples. It’s almost seen as a last resort option, when it should be part of your problem solving tool box. Something I came accross while reading about pre-marital counseling that applies to couples:
“I want to emphasize how great it is to have a professional on hand. They will ask you things you never thought of, push you to think in new ways, and challenge you. But I think the very best thing they do is actually give you outside perspective on your relationship (and I mean that in a good way).”
And another.
“They have been married a long time and they really recommend that people go to counseling every once in a while during their marriage when things start to feel tough, more than usual, even if you’re not sure you have a really big issue to work on. They have felt like it is really helpful to have a third party professional perspective, for the same reasons as it’s helpful for pre-marital counseling”
Again, I don’t want to sound intrusive as counseling is generally a very private topic and decision. But everything I’ve read suggests that 1) it certainly can’t hurt and 2) it can help in a whole variety of ways. You’ve made it pretty clear that you and Chris have been going through a rough patch for more than just a few weeks; that you’ve tried lots of different things and nothing seems to be working. Perhaps counseling is really what could get you back to where you want to be, or at least, improve where you are.
Anyways, I’ll be thinking of you and Chris and Bean. I love your blog and your honesty. Thank you so much for putting all this out there for everyone to read.
Katie
I completely agree! Counseling is underrated – yes, it’s scary but I think it’s worth a try. If words are hard to put out there while you are alone, let someone else put those words out there. Having someone else facilitate the conversation leaves you free to actually listen to your husband’s words rather than planning your next move. You are awesome – I believe in you Katie!
Heather M
Some days and some times are difficult. Facing the truth (for both of you) is the first step towards change. It sounds like you both need to find your middle ground to talk.
About a year ago now my husband (an American) and I (a Brit) moved from the UK. We have a history of one of us moving to be with the other, a history of one of us with their family thousands of miles away. Throughout it all we have overcome stresses. Immigration, moving, financial, getting rid of half of our home, setting up a new home, leaving jobs (and finally getting jobs) and me – stuck in the house without transport and in a foreign country for several months before someone finally hired me!
When I feel like ‘things’ and ‘situations’ are overwhelming US I make the suggestion of a time-out. Leave behind the house, the debts, the day-to-day hardships that will still be there. Then WE take the time to get to know each other again. To not assume where the other is at but to ask and really listen to the response. It’s not always easy and some discussions are difficult to hear. BUT communication is the key and sometimes doing that on neutral territory and taking time to rediscover why you are with that truly special person is needed. It’s an investment in you both as individuals and you as a couple.
A – leisurely lunch/picnic/walk/long ‘destination-less’ drive/meander round a market/cafe rendezvous – can re-establish the connections that are vital in a marriage. The truth for me is – home that wonderful nebulous place – is right where my husband is. Through the magical and the tough days – I would not be without him and so I am always home. The house and the surroundings are things. The debts, the worries, the stresses – yes they affect US but it takes work from us both and communication between us both to move us back to that place of togetherness and home.
I hope you find your middle ground together. It seems like that IS what you both want. AND it will take the time and the method that you both need it to take. My suggestion – is just that – a suggestion. Find what works for you both and take heart that so many of us have to face the same struggles and find a way through.
Sarah H.
Oh honey. It’s so good that you can put that out there. I wonder if maybe it has to do with leaving your friends, your community that you had up north. You had people over all the time, your house was a home. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you two don’t feel so at home in your ‘ghetto’ rental. It will get better. This too shall pass. Isn’t it funny that during one of the hardest times in your marriage your highlighted saying good things about it in Newsweek, and your writing a book about it! God knows what He’s doing sweetie. Your writing that book and the process wil help you two. And last of all, sex. More sex. Always.
Megan
AGREED! More sex!! I know y’all are modest about it but it is sooo very true. As long as you keep things going in the bedroom…even if you don’t feel like it…you can get through ANYTHING!
Trust me man…trust me!
🙂
Sarah H.
Oh and do you remember posting about the 10 second kiss?? Yep. Do that.
anon
I wrote a love note once to my husband.
He didn’t speak to me for an entire week over something so insignificant [plus it was my fault as im bipolar and crazy as heck]
It worked.
I gave him a list of grievances followed by a love letter and he couldn’t help but smile, or maybe he was smiling at the cake. Idk, I dont care, it worked.
It helps me to just suck it up and take the 50% he isn’t giving me and taking it myself and giving 100%.
I act like everything is cupcakes and rainbows and I clean smiling, cook while singing and dress up for when he gets home and then have a good ‘night’ no matter how tired i am from work; and something ticks and he puts 10% which quickly turns to 50%.
I can’t see what is wrong w/what is going on.
It’s not the end of the world if you don’t talk at the end of the night. Sometimes, what is there to say, except good night and I love you? or just laying there watching a movie and never saying anything?
Like Journey says:
Don’t stop… believin’!!!!! Just hold on to the feelin’
Wendy
Oh, oh do I understand.
In under 2 years of marriage, we have:
gotten married
found out we were pregnant a month later
honeymooned with in-laws. WITH IN-LAWS.
had a baby
celebrated one year of marriage
bought a house
our baby turned one
and husband joined national guard (and we haven’t seen him since April)
oh, and I lost my job.
It has been tense, hard, and beautiful all at once.
anon
:O wow.
Beth
I understand where you are coming from. Praying together and saying “I love you” more often really helps. I found that hearing my husband loved me really reminded me of just how much I wanted our marriage to work. You two will pull through, major changes throw any relationship for a loop!
Jen at Cabin Fever
It takes a lot of courage to be so honest, but you certainly do know some very important things. Be strong. For Chris, for Bean, and most importantly, for you. You’re learning a lot of important lessons right now 🙂
Cabin Fever in Vermont
kath
Hi Katie,
The truth is, that in the midst of days when everything is falling apart and nothing makes sense, you and Chris have built a relationship that is strong enough to withstand the storm–and there is a God who is even bigger than than the storm itself. Also, sometimes it helps to listen to songs like this 😉
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI2_k-StRYo
Jess
First of all, I want to say that this post exemplifies everything that I admire about your blog. I hope that doesn`t sound horrible- I mean honesty.
You, and Chris, are so courageous to put your struggles along with your triumphs out for everyone to read. Thank you. You help me, and so many people, feel that they are not alone.
This same honesty will get you through any rough patch, I am sure, no matter how long or how bad. I can always see the hope (and the love) in your posts, even when you are sharing about the bad times. Thanks again for being so real.. We are all thinking of you guys!!
lauren
i remember one morning (after a long few days of bickering and yelling with the ole hubby) waking up thinking that there was NO one else on this planet i would rather argue and fight with and be able to wake up next to in the morning knowing that they loved me more than anything in the world. that was such an encouragement to me – and just reaffirmed the fact that love covers all. praying for yall!!
Abby @ They Lend Me Their Heartsa
Thank you for being so honest. I wish I had your blog to read when my husband and I got married 7 years ago. I remember looking at what I saw of marriages around me and thinking mine was not what it was supposed to be. I had no one around being honest about the crappy times, so I felt alone and, well, crappy. Your blog helps me see, and other people see, that every marriage has dark sides that no one shows other people. It’s not abnormal, it’s not a failure, it’s normal and we need to take it and grow with it.
Jennifer D.
Thank God there are more people going through what my husband and I are going through. You hit the nail on the head. It’s hard to live in the same house and feel like he might as well be in Japan!
Brooke
Thank you for being so honest, I’m going through a rough patch myself in my relationship and looking at it the way that you are looking at it (that it is tension but you’ll get through it soon) really makes me see my relationship in a different light. I admire you so much Katie, as a wife and as a mom. Thank you for being a role model to me!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Yep.
Elizabeth
I know that you’ll probably get many responses to this difficult and intimate post, but I had to add my own personal experience regarding this. My boyfriend and I moved to Los Angeles almost 3 years ago and it was one of the hardest thing that either of us has ever done. We moved primarily for him, but because I love him, of course I came too. I sympathize with the silent nights, the feelings that ‘something is off’ but I didn’t know what, the second guesses and of course the knowledge that he loved me, even if we weren’t talking. Over the last couple of years we have gotten so much better, but there were some really difficult parts (and we don’t even have a baby to complicate things!!). My point is, keep trying. It takes time and gentleness and forgiveness. Whenever the tension gets a little too hard to bear, we grab a bottle of wine and have what I call a “come to Jesus” moment. We bare our feelings and hurts and mis-communications, but most importantly we re-establish that bond of trust and love. It doesn’t solve every immediate problem, but at least we’re back in it together. Hang in there Katie and Chris. I know you’ll be just fine.
Marla
Hang in there, guys.
And really, the sex thing is so very true. Don’t hold back on that part of your relationship. As long as you stay “active” and don’t push each other away, the rest of your relationship will get better.
Kate
And this is why I love your blog (ok, this and your sense of humor). My husband and I were just talking the other day about how it can wreak havoc on relationships when couple think that marriage is supposed to always be easy and perfect. But it’s not easy to be the trailblazer that admits it!
It seems to me that your ability to step outside of your emotion and try to look objectively at what’s going on will be a big help in getting to where you want to be. At least I hope so – ’cause I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing that eventually brought my husband and I out of the big fight we had last night. (And one fight and its post-game discussion isn’t going to be the last time we have to work through this issue, I’m pretty sure.)
Isabel
I know how you feel having just moved to Paris from London with my boyfriend. It has put a lot of tension on our relationship. Having moved countries a lot as a child, I think it probably takes about a year to truly settle in. You just have to hang in there and remember that things will get better. It just takes time. A LOT of time unfortunately. Sorry I can’t be more helpful than to say to be patient. Moving sucks that’s all.
Beret
My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. We got married young, have two wonderful kids, a dog, a mortgage, he works 65 hours a week, I stay home, etc……
The first few years we used to honestly wonder why people said marriage was work. We must be an exception! We love being married! Everything is roses and rainbows! Then came the great rough patch of 2005…and 2006. Right after our second child was born things just seemed to be “off”. Like you said we were quick to anger, snipping at each other. The passion seemed to be fizzling. There were times I didn’t even want to be in the same house with him. Neither of us had done anything really wrong, we had just lost our mojo.
Then, as quickly as it came, the rough patch seemed to be smoothing out. The big thing that helped? MORE SEX. (Like others have said) Flirty e-mails, consciously making time to “do it” even when I didn’t feel like it. Putting the “mom and dad” roles on the back burner and being husband and wife again. We’ve actually been averaging 4 times a week lately and I can tell you it’s like we’re in a second honeymoon phase of marriage.
If you’re in it for the long haul there will be great times, good times, ok times, and rough times. Just the nature of the beast. And aren’t we lucky to have found someone to weather it all with?
Love your blog!
Jessica @ How Sweet It Is
I love your honestly. It makes me feel like I’m not alone with my own marriage!
Holly at Perrydise
One thing that may help is getting away either with Bean or by yourself for a couple nights. Go visit your sister or a friend or even just your mom. Chris will miss you and you will miss him. It always has helped us. I return refreshed and I love hearing that I was missed. It makes you both realize what you have. Good for you for opening up about the highs and lows in marriage.
Katy @ MonsterProof
Your awareness is what is going to get you through this! One day, you’ll be leaving the house during the day, too, you’ll settle into a new home in Chris’s dream neighborhood, you’ll have wonderful friends that fit into your comfort zone, and you’ll be proud of making it through this difficult time. Hang in there!
Tiffany
Since I haven’t been in this situation myself I can’t offer a great deal of advice or insight — only my support. Just having read this blog for the past 9 months or so, I can say that based on what I’ve learned about you guys and your relationship, you will find a way to reconnect and build an even stronger bond. You’re both so determined, and so good at coming up with ways to maneuver around roadblocks! You have seen each other through so many challenges and struggles, and great times and crazy times, and this move and the difficulties it presents will eventually go down in your family history as another thing that you were able to make work. Just keep up with the things you say and do that show you love each other, even if there’s not much else to say yet. Time is a great healer and it will get better. Good luck! Thinking of you!
Carol
I can imagine how you feel… I never feel at home, I married a portuguese guy, moved from Brazil to Portugal, after 1 year to Ireland and now to Belgium… Just wish to stop somewhere definitely, I can’t even think in babies since moving like that, we don’t have a house… Hope you be better, this must be just a moment for you! Good luck!
Michaela
Big.Big.Hugs.
You are amazing. This will pass. Like everyone else, I love that you write about this. I’m terrified about all of this coming up when my partner and I move overseas in a few years, as he doesn’t want to but knows my career needs it. But it is okay, like everyone has said. You’ll get your groove back. I hope it is sooner rather than later.
Big. BIG. Hugs.
Shannon
I’ve been in that rough patch before and there are two “quotes” that helped me. I read them each morning.
Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect; it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven. (Eccl. 3:1)
I hope you find peace when you read these. Praying for you and Chris.
Tressa
Big tight bear hugs to both of you!
You will make it through this. You have just made BIG life changes. It isn’t easy. But it will all come back around in time. I have to agree, if you guys keep it going in the bedroom, it will come around alot faster than if you don’t. Something about that just keeps you connected.
Don’t tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!!
Praying for all of you. Have a great weekend
Kendra
Life isn’t easy. Focus on the good things and the fact that you two love eachother and will get through this little bump in the road.
Lisa
The fact that you are both acknowledging that something is “off” is a good first step and I appreciate how honest you are. I haven’t been in this situation before but I almost feel like because you guys are in a house you don’t like, neither one of you feels truly settled living in Florida yet. I think that it’ll start to feel like a permanent move when you purchase a house that the two of you love! Maybe you guys need some alone time to sit and just BE together without having a million other things happening at the same time, a date night with some sushi perhaps?
Alison
The truth is, my husband left me a month ago with an almost three year old and almost one year old. The truth is he is demanding a divorce and won’t talk about anything else. The truth is, you inspire me to what a marriage should and can be. Hang in there!
Candice
When we got married, we were living in my parents’ attic and the hubby had just been laid off. I was pregnant before our 1 year anniversary and we now have an almost 7 week old. We live in an apt that’s too small for us and we can’t agree on what to do w/the dog that doesn’t seem to fit with the baby.
But we talk. We always talk. When I don’t want to, he makes me. When he doesn’t want to, I make him. This pretty much prevents any arguments and tension because we talk about stuff before it has absolutely any time to fester.
And like other folks said, the sex is really important. The bonding hormones are really important to a marriage; it’s what makes your relationship with each other so distinctly different from your relationships with other people in your lives.
And just keep reminding yourself/yourselves that this is just temporary. You won’t always live in this house. He won’t always be the only one working, and so on. One day you’ll look back and go, “Go us, we made it through that. We’re awesome and better for it.”
Candice
Oh, and I forgot to add – you’re really brave for posting this.
Ranchwife
First time on the blog. Firm believer in a lifelong commitment to marriage. Married 23 years, 2 nearly grown children. Facing an empty nest. Marriage continues to grow deeper and stronger each year. Weathering the storms of your marriage is worth it, no matter how difficult. Some things I’ve learned:
1. Don’t get in the habit of man-bashing with other dissatisfied women. SO easy to do. Just don’t, no matter how tempting it is – even if you are just joking. It will only increase your dissatisfaction.
2. Guard your heart. Especially during times when things are “off” in your marriage. Avoid temptation to let your heart or mind or eyes wander or speculate on what may be greener on the other side of the fence. Avoid flirty or personal comments on facebook. Don’t complain about your man or seek sympathy from any other guy friend.
3. Brag on your man to your friends, family, or anyone who will listen. Brag up his good qualities. Don’t run him down. I found that just listing a few of the things I respected and admired about him changed my heart. It caused me to focus less on what was causing me to be dissatisfied and more on the amazing husband and father he is. Little things can turn into big things when those are the only things we focus on. Marriage takes a lot of overlooking the nagging little things that bug us.
4. Find ways to show your man how much you RESPECT him. Trust me on this one. Guys NEED to feel respected. They need to feel they are still your hero. The return on this small thing will amaze you.
Hang in there. It will get better!
Margaret
Being a counselor, I heartily concur with the recommendation to think about it. Counseling doesn’t mean your marriage is dying, or about to head for divorce. A lot of counselors welcome people who just want to talk things through.
That said, I think you guys are great, and you will get through this. We went through our own rough patch this year and I certainly don’t have the guts to blog about it. But I think that even being aware of your issues right now is step one. The commitment you have to each other will see you through, even if it’s the hardest thing you have to do. Just keep talking.
Jen
I hope things get better soon for you guys! Just keep working at it and everything will work itself out.
I am going to show this post to my husband tonight because it sounds a little like the stress that we are going through right now.
People keep telling me that marriage changes in so many different ways once you work a baby into the mix.
Joke
Hang in there Chris and Katie, we are all thinking of you 🙂
Amber Barnum
God bless you for being so honest with you readers. For those of us who can 100% relate, it is nice to know we are not alone. However, it’s also hard to hear that other’s are struggling too. My husband and I have had a couple rough patches as well, and we always seem to come out stronger on the other side. But, there are times where we have needed to see a counselor in order to get that communication going. It helped us a lot. Good luck to you. I am sure you and Chris will find the right path for you to work through this and build your marriage that much more!
Susan Samson
This is the truth. And the way it always works. One thing upsets the ‘normal’ routine or things get the slightest bit off balance and it starts. These are the rough times. I love your positive attitude towards it all.
Paula S.
I so appreciate your honesty! My 7 year marriage has had more rough patches then smooth ones. It makes me feel so alone and confused, knowing that God wants us together and yet it is so hard.
Also, I really appreciate the reading the responses from people. #37 from Ranchwife is something a lot of people need to read – repeatedly. It is hard not to get dissatisfied and lose hope when you are surrounded by gender bashing, negativity and temptations for greener grass.
I pray that you both continue to feel cared for and supported and that you allow God to work in your marriage to his glory. I look forward to things turning around for you – and for my marriage!
Kelly
First of all Katie, thank you so much for always being so honest. That is why I love your blog. It takes so much courage for you and Chris to expose yourselves to strangers and to welcome us into your lives and marriage. When I got married instead of premarrital counseling our pastor told us to get “The Power of a Praying Wife” and “The Power of a Praying Husband”. I HIGHLY recommend them! Even if Chris doesn’t want to read the guy one, you should get the one for you. I am normally not into books like this, but this one has helped me SO much in my marriage. It was eye opening to read before becoming a wife and I felt that it helped me even then. But it has been something that I have gone back through when times are really difficult. It is seriously something I would recommend to anyone who is married (having a tough time or not). Good luck to you and Chris. Remember you have a whole bunch of people out here who care about you guys!
Heidi
I totally second these books. Whenever my husband is driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do, I go back to my Power of a Praying Wife book. It gives me so much peace that even if I can’t change a situation or my husband, God can. Stormie has a unique way of laying things out and even gives detailed prayers that are tailored for each situation. She’s obviously been there before.
Keshet
I know you’ll get through this, Katie. This is the stuff that makes marriage hard–but just like things can deteriorate in just a few months, they can also improve in a few months, too. Thinking of you!
Katie
praying for you & Chris, Katie!
pam-tastic
Einstein says: The definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Maybe it’s time for a change in the way you were doing things. That may sound like odd advice considering your life has been full of changes for the past year (new baby, moving, staying home, etc), but what I’m trying to say is that your life IS different now and maybe you need to change the way do things. You have different stressors than you did a year ago and it also sounds like you have different feelings (resentment?) towards each other and maybe those need to be dealt with in a different way… You must ALWAYS keep the lines of communication open, not saying change that, but maybe you need to communicate in a different way. Maybe you need to write a letter to each other, talk to someone you trust…I don’t know…but maybe something “different” can help you.
Just a thought… 🙂
Dyepotgirl
This is the first time to your blog and I think it’s awesome! I just wanted to say that I’ve been married over 25 years and went through a very similar rough patch. So similar in fact that I just cracked up when I read this post. It made me feel like “Been there, Done that” LOL! One of the problems that made things worse for my husband and I was that when my husband came home, I wanted to be immediately off of baby duty. It really ticked me off when he came home and didn’t immediately take over. He on the other hand, felt he often had a really stressful day and needed time to shift gears. After a lot of tears, resentment, anger, and miscommunications, we finally figured out what was going on and came up with a plan. When my husband came home we would go and say Hi to him. He would then go upstairs for about 15 to 20 minutes and have a little time to himself to mentally shift gears and get into Daddy mode. When it was time, he would come downstairs and take over baby patrol so I could cook dinner and do other things. We had other issues also, but because we made such an effort to fix this problem and we actually heard each other, we realized that we weren’t really being fair to each other. After successfully taking care of this issue, we then proceeded to start fixing the rest of them. For some people this is a small issue I know, but for my family this problem amplified all the other issues and made everything worse. We were both getting really resentful about this. Once we really started listening to each other, and talked about our resentments without criticism, things got better because we were able to find solutions. I figured out that we needed to stop sniping at each other and since someone had to start, I did it first. It wasn’t easy but since then I no longer take pot shots just because I could. After a while my husband stopped too. I might have had to point it out to him that I wasn’t making snide comments anymore, but we both stopped our bad behavior. Try to remember that this is just a moment in time and it will pass. As long as you keep trying to be nice to each other, be kind to each other, understand each other and keep being honest, you’ll get through it. A date definitely doesn’t hurt either LOL! I don’t know anyone who has been married for more than 5 years that hasn’t had moments where things could have gone either way. It seems like if you just hang in there and keep trying and talking, eventually you’ll work things out. As my grandmother used to tell me, “Honey just remember, to love is a verb. That means that sometimes you actually have to work at it.” She was married for 54 years and raised 8 kids when my grandfather died. I always felt that she knew what she was talking about.
Katie
I think you just nailed exactly where our tension is stemming from. We just haven’t had the guts to deal with it yet. Thanks so much for sharing!
Amy
Hi! Katie Great blog post. My better half and i have been
married 29 yrs. Ranchwife says it the best..So go sit with
and hold your cute husband hand. I am going to go tell mine
what a truly blessed woman i am.. Keeping you all three in my prayers.
Shelley
If I recall correctly, you once posted that YOU were the “primary breadwinner,” which put the burden of responsibility and stress on you. Since the tables have turned completely, and Chris is now not only the primary breadwinner, but the only breadwinner, he might be feeling responsibility and stress that’s totally new to him and not handling it well. Just a thought….
Leah
Everything going on is just changing who both of you are. You’re experiencing the pains of having to grow together – even after years of marriage, it’s still hard when it happens – and you’re probably growing at slightly different speeds and slightly different directions.
We’ve been going through a similar life-upheaval, and I find that I always let my guard down with Andy because I’m just so stinkin’ EXHAUSTED. I don’t reserve anything for him. And so things instantly start to disintegrate.
It helps me SO much to just sit back and try to dig below the surface frustrations. There’s always something hidden down there, and sometimes I even find that it’s actually ME I’m mad at and I’m just taking it out on Andy.
I love how your commitment to marriage enables you to be so honest. It’s so rare to find someone willing to not just husband bash, or just be gloomy, but to say “this is hard, but I’m going to figure it out.” Keep up the good work!
Jen @ Life with Jen and Ronnie
Best of luck. Marriage is hard and adding a child to the mix seems to throw everying off. But I can tell that you guys won’t give up! Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this difficult time! Makes the rest of us realize that we aren’t the only ones that have tough times!
Kelley C
Katie –
Many prayers for you and Chris as you walk through this time. There are a few things that are key for my hubby and I in rough patches.
1) Community – Likeminded people in similar stages who are committed to your marriages – and you to theirs- to walk through life together. Blog friends are nice but you need the look you in eyes, give you hug, and take Bean for the night for alone time people.
2) Not holding the issue over your heart. This may sound odd – say the issue is an repersestne4d by an orange; if you hold the orange in front of you it is over your heart and YOU have VERY vested interest – it is YOUR issue. As a married couple you are one with Chris so all issues are really both of yours. So take the orange set it on the counter lock arms with Chris and say how we going to tackle this issue. The issue becomes much less personal and reminds you that you are team, and as a team going to solve the issue.
3) (This is the hardest) Look for ways to bless Chris. If Chris is receiving blessing from you it will take his defenses down and help get the train on the right tracks. It is a new version of kill him with kindness – but not the phony manipulative kind.
Lastly €“ you have mentioned church a few times. I hope this does not cross any lines. Katie you need the power of the Holy Spirit to love Chris. You need the word of God to fill your mind €“ I hope you will spend time with your Creator and allow His love for you to overflow on Chris.
Much Love €“
Kelley
courtney
Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve been married 7 years and just having a baby changed the whole dynamic of our relationship. We definitely had to find a new normal. I cannot imagine throwing in a move and job changes. Hang in there. It is obvious that you are committed to your marriage and you will get through this.
Emily
This is the first time Ive visited your blog, I stumbled upon it over at The Glamorous Life of a Housewife. I have tears streaming down my face right now. My husband and I have been married for five years and have a two year old. I feel like we are in the same rough space you are. We are in counseling but I feel like we waited to long to go. I know that we will get through this but I feel like I have 18 months worth of resentment and issues to deal with rather than just a few shorter months. It sounds like you and Chris have a better handle on things than we did but I want to encourage you to seek counseling sooner rather than later if the issues at hand become to much for just the two of you to deal with. I just wanted to say thanks for being so honest about whats going on in your life and marriage. Its nice to know that we aren’t alone in our struggle through this difficult patch of marriage.