Things I Do That Will Make You Feel Like a Better Parent

It has come to my attention that I may have already done some irreversible damage to my son.  At sixteen months old, I may have already ruined him.

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EXAMPLES TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BETTER PARENT THAN ME:

Every time we pass a McDonald’s, Bean yells out, “Fench fyyyy!!  Fench fyyy!!”

Bean can identify the following movies and television shows:  Cars, Finding Nemo, Sid the Science Kid, and Dinosaur Train

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Bean’s favorite food is chicken fingers.

I use the vacuum cleaner so infrequently that Bean screams hysterically whenever I do happen to bring it out.

Chris taught Bean to say boobs. (Though technically, that one is not my fault…)

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Bean thinks toes are actually called Piggies.  He doesn’t know what toes are.

One afternoon I tried to teach Bean that there was a baby in my belly by pointing to my stomach and saying, “Baby.”  He now points to any larger woman’s belly and says, quite distinctly, “BABY!”

He thinks his ear is his nose.  (Not sure how that one happened.)

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On some nights, ketchup counts as a vegetable in our house.

Sometimes I count ranch dressing as a vegetable, too.

I have been known to give Bean a “bath” on his changing table by washing him down with a washcloth.

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I don’t share food with anyone, not even my son.  Not even if he cries.

I applaud when Bean burps.

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So, there.  You can’t possibly have scarred your young children in such a short amount of time as I have scarred Bean.

Glad I could make you feel better.

Your welcome.

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44 Thoughts to “Things I Do That Will Make You Feel Like a Better Parent”

  1. My little sister was the EXACT same way about McDonald’s as a baby — we had to start taking detours around places where we knew she could see the golden arch from the road (which, they make WAY to easy to see, in my opinion) to avoid the “Dondald’s!! Dondald’s!!” screeching from her car seat.

    And I don’t like to share food either 😉

    Bean could be way worse off than all of that!

  2. Katie, my first word was “popeyes” which translated to french fries, of course!! I turned out completely normal, right? (You can see my blog for any contradictory evidence!)

  3. Lisa

    My favourite food is chicken fingers too and I’m not too screwed up, or damaged…well, maybe slightly, hehe!

  4. Ashley

    I personally loved your list 🙂 It made me laugh, and Bean man wont be scarred!

  5. Alyssa

    I love this list- it’s too funny! However, 1 more thing. I MUST MUST MUST have missed a VERY important post! Are you pregnant???? You wrote about a baby in your belly. HOW did I miss this???!!

  6. Catherine M.

    That boy is getting more and more beautiful everyday! Those eyelashes!! I can’t wait to see the adorable new addition!

    We applaud and cheer when Nora burps too…. I wonder if this will train her to burp whenever she wants attention and praise. Oops!

  7. Cindy In Owensboro, KY

    Katie we all do stuff that we feel makes us bad parents. It really just makes us a better parent when we are good enough to admit it.

  8. Angela

    You never fail to make me laugh.
    As a kid, I also screamed out ‘meek doyalds’ everytime we drove by a golden arch, and demanded for a happy meal or an icecream cone.

  9. My son too confuses toes and piggies (and he is almost 3!). I’ll ask where his toes are and he’ll point to his toes but say “There they are, piggies!”

    Also, I never used to share food with my kids. But when I started giving in to my son begging for food, and sharing with him, I lost 10 pounds! So, now he is welcome to share whenever he wants 🙂

  10. Jen Morris

    Love it. Things we all do but don’t really want to admit. Once I put my daughter on the counter at the store. I turned my head for just a split second and she fell off. She cried for about 5 1/2 seconds but i still. I swear I only looked away for a split second. Rookie mom mistake. Thanks for taking one for the team and making us all feel better!

  11. I give my son “wipey” (wipes) baths on his changing table. I mean, really, how dirty is he getting anyway, right??

  12. Allison P

    Hilarious! You will be happy to know that many of these apply to my friends and me. I consider my friends to be great mothers, so…you’re in good company. I’m sure our children will survive and turn out to be wonderful people!

  13. Thank you so much for this! I now feel less horrible only in that I can say someone’s child is as bad off as mine. Awesome!

  14. I like your list! But I can top the tub-of-wipes bath. My kids, who are 2 & 1, have a water table toy too. When they play with it they get soaking wet and usually crawl into it. I count that as a bath!

    And my daughter asks for cookies, cakes, ice cream and candy every night before bed. Guess I never should have tried to bribe her to stay in her big girl bed by promising candy and ice cream and cupcakes 🙂

  15. Ahahaha, I LOVE the second picture up there, where Bean’s posterior appears to have gone through the back of the chair. Cutest face ever. =) And don’t worry; you’re not a bad mom. A few french fries and some dust never killed anyone.

  16. I loved this.

    I have a friend with a son just about Bean’s age, and every time he sees a man with a beard he points and yells, “GOD!”

    1. Kelly

      OMGosh. That rocks!

  17. Don’t worry babe 🙂 My kids and myself were the same way! They all turned out fairly normal. well kinda…

  18. Someone told me that it is our job as parents to screw up our kids before the rest of the world has a chance to do it. No worries!

  19. Bean sounds like a younger version of my husband…. Ha.


    Cabin Fever in Vermont

  20. But he’s so darn cute that it’s easy to overlook all that other stuff. And btw – I congratulate my son whenever he burps too. Of course after trying to burp him for five minutes unsuccessfully, it always seems like a huge accomplishment!

  21. Our kids are twinkies! Only, instead of saying boobs, my husband taught my son to slap my rear and say, “Bootie!” every time I bend over. I have no doubt he does that when he’s at daycare, too. And when he hurts his toe, he say, “I hurt my piggie market.” I’m pretty sure all kids get magically straightened out by kindergarten, right?

  22. My niece was taught to very politely say “excuse me” when she burps, I untrained her and taught her to say “did you hear that?!?” Her parents thank me often 🙂

    1. Sarah

      That is fantastic. Just like Buddy the Elf!!! : )

  23. kk

    man the first picture really funny!

  24. I am going to save this and reference back to it once Jellybean is born. Honestly though – I think every parent does some sort of irreversible damage to their child – that’s part of the fun of raising them. PS – you’re in the south mac n cheese counts as a vegetable too – just ask Cracker Barrel!

  25. El

    I do stuff like that with my little guy too. My husband has managed to get our son to laugh every time someone/something (aka the dogs) farts. It was funny for about a day. Now it’s annoying. Ketchup can work as a vegetable – it’s made of tomatoes. I am so guilty of the wipes bath myself and the “water play” bath too!

    You are a great mom!

  26. Shelley

    I hate to do this – I really do, but since you’re a writer….. it’s YOU’RE not YOUR.
    You’re welcome.

    1. Katie

      LOL – you and my mother…sheesh! 🙂

      1. Shelley

        <> I’m glad you took it in the spirit in which it was intended.

        I love YOUR blog. (Sorry, couldn’t resist – slap myself)

  27. Casper

    Some nights you have to take your fruits/vegetables where you can. I made spinach and artichoke dip and that counted as two vegetables. It also counted as one dairy because of the cheese. It all works out in the end!

  28. that is so funny! And ketchup has tomatoes…in theory….

  29. Susan

    When I was Beans age I used to shout “E I E I O!” every time we passed a McDonalds. Ya know, as in Old McDonald had a farm… I don’t know whether I thought I could play with farm animals there, but I always wanted to go to McDonald’s.

  30. This is hysterical. And I love the alternate storyline of Bean with his little rear end falling out of the chair! Hilarious!

    Especially the part about bean yelling at “larger” women and yelling baby. Oh my…

  31. Ashley

    LMAO this is great! Bean is adorable as always, and I am sure one day he will thank you for raising him to be a real individual and not like every other kid who calls toes by their proper name. 🙂

  32. Fabulous list!! I love the one about “pointing to larger women and saying BABY”! Kids are so embarrassing sometimes!!

  33. kelly

    your list is too funny! don’t worry i have done at least 3/4 of the stuff you have and then some others. i locked mine in my car and then proceeded to try to smash the window with my boot, which only scared the crap out of him and make him start crying. he’s eaten pickles for breakfast, gone to daycare with clothes on backwards, and has drank half a starbucks coffee. Shit happens and we get threw it more knowledgeable and all in one piece. i just started reading your blog and so far thoroughly enjoy it.

  34. kelly

    oh and when my son burps i taught him to say boo-yah!
    i’ve realized now that wasn’t the greatest idea or most politest thing so am in the process of changing that to excuse me! it sure is funny though

  35. Kelly

    Last week we walked into church and my 6yo busted out his new move… armpit farts.

    Is there any kid out there who doesn’t want FF and chicken nuggets for every meal?

    At least he’s not reciting what YOUR order is at Starbucks… tall skinny sugar free caramel half-caff macchiato (or some such thing? I don’t go to starbucks, but I have a friend who has this problem)?

    Ketchup and Ranch. You do what you gotta do.

    My husband taught ours to say “taking a dump/crap/piss.” I’d rather have boob.

    And let’s not forget the “if someone hits you you punch them in the nose.” Try explaining *that one* to the preschool teacher.

  36. amanda

    You are a great mom! I would in child protective services. I kmow bad parenting when I see it. I’ve been reading your marriage confessions blog for a year& just now discovered this one (I’m a little slow some or most days) love it!

  37. Tressa

    I scream french fry when I pass McDonald’s too!!!! 😉
    LOVE the pics. LOVE what he’s learning from Mom AND Dad!!
    At least he hasn’t pointed at other women’s boobs and said boobs!! LOL RIGHT!?!?!?!

  38. my turn to make YOU feel better.

    1. my blog is open.
    2. my kid is 18 months and doesnt say more than 5 words. at least yours TALKS! that is a great sign and fabulous that you are a swell enough mother to teach your kid words, even if they aren’t ones you ever imagined your kid saying 🙂

  39. You make me laugh! 🙂 And it seems, by your posts and fun ramblings, that you are a great mother!

  40. Whew…now I don’t feel so alone in the “I’ve ruined my child” club!!

    Everytime we pull in the parking lot that the Chick-fil-a is in she starts saying Pree-Pry (french fry). Believe me…I could go one…maybe I’ll write a blog post about it! lol…
    🙂

    Megan

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