Anger is As Anger Does
I have a confession.
I get angry.
It’s my default emotion. Whenever something is off, whenever I feel anything other than normal, I default to anger. Yell now, ask questions later. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m sad. Maybe I’m frustrated or hurt. Maybe I’m stressed. Doesn’t matter what the emotion is. Anything other than straight-forward happy and I immediately get mad. Then, I think it through after I’ve exploded and I decide, “You know what, I’m not really angry. I’m actually just really disappointed…or scared…or nervous…etc.”
It’s not a very flattering characteristic to have. Just ask Chris. Unfortunately, he is the one who gets the brunt of my anger most of the time. And that’s what’s been happening lately. I’ve been pretty pissy at home. He comes in the door and I immediately start snapping at him. Last night I picked and picked and picked at him until he finally told me to go away. So, I left him with dinner and Bean and I went and laid down on my bed. I stayed there for about an hour trying to figure out how my afternoon had gone so downhill. I’d had a pretty good day and yet here I was. Being sent to my room by my husband.
About that time, Chris brought Bean back to say goodnight to me. He was all clean from his bath and snuggly in his jammies and as soon as he said night-night and Chris took him off to bed, I started to cry a little bit. And then I realized what was going on. Turns out that I am incredibly frustrated that I can’t be there for Bean as much as I want right now. With my back still acting up and, quite honestly, being plain exhausted every day after working and carrying around this big ol’ baby, I’m just not able to do things like get down on the floor and play with him or even pick him up and hold him when he falls down.
Earlier this week, Bean fell down and skinned his knee and instead of coming to me for kisses like he normally does, he went to Chris. Because Chris is the one who IS able to be there for him right now. And it’s just not fair! I know that his little 20-month-old head doesn’t comprehend being fair with his needs. I know that he isn’t showing preference. He’s just gotten used to going to Chris when he has a need lately and so that’s where he went when he needed a boo-boo kiss. But in my 28-year-old head, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel less loved.
On top of all of that, I’m worried it’s just going to get worse. First, I’ll be recovering from my c-section which will mean that I’ll be even less helpful and available to Bean. And then there will be Gracie who will take even more of my time away from Bean.
I have these horrible thoughts that I’m missing this critical period of time in Bean’s development and now our house will be split. Gracie and me will spend our time together and Chris and Bean will spend their time together. And that makes me miss Bean so much already.
So, of course, I handle these feelings and anxieties and worries in a very mature way.
I take it out on Chris.
I get mad at him for no reason. I nit-pick at things he does. I nag and snip. And then 20 minutes later, I come crawling back to him for a hug and kiss.
To say this is confusing to him is a huge understatement. I’m pretty convinced he thinks I’m legally insane. But I’m not. I’m just a pregnant mother of a toddler. And I’m hoping that’s a realistic excuse. That these feelings are normal. That these feelings are irrational. That I’m going to get over them. That Bean will still love me. That I’ll be able to balance two kids. That I’ll be able to have a conversation with my husband soon that doesn’t involve erratic emotional outbursts.
Long story short? I am worried about having two kids.
The End.
*****
Today I am grateful for Bean’s daycare teachers.
52 Comments
Wildology
I can’t even fathom the stress and frustration, and I think a lot of us turn immediately to anger. It seems safer and less vunerable, even though it is usually not very accurate. It seems totally logical that you would feel that way. Hang in there. Bean loves you just as much…and if he could get passed the belly to get his smooch, he would! One day at a time. Hugs!
Alaina
Aw, sending you hugs through the computer! I’m sure the hormones are playing a huge part, too. You are an amazing mom and Bean loves you so much. You will do amazingly with two kids…I have no doubt at all about that.
Katherine
Katie, I want to say that apart from the parts about Bean and Gracie, I could have written this. My “go-to” emotion is anger, if I’m tired, frustrated, upset, worried, whatever – I get angry. Thankfully I have a saint of a boyfriend who knows that I’m not actually angry, it’s just my way of coping with it and it’s compounded by my depression. I’m glad I’m not the only person who reacts to their emotions like that. If there was something I could say to help then I would but instead I’ll send you *hugs*
Rhea
I promise you these feelings ARE normal, and irrational. You WILL get over them, Bean will always love you, and you’ll be able to balance two kids WHILE having a conversation with your husband that doesn’t involve erratic emotional outbursts.
I’m not a mom, but I am a nanny and on the side I work for moms who just had their second/third baby and have toddlers at home, so I see it a lot. You’re a great Mommy to one rugrat, and your level of greatness will actually go UP when you have your second. (I go so far as to pinky promise.)
Lori @ I Can Grow People
I worry as a hobby. If there was a job that specialized in worrying, I’d be CEO. Wait, that job is called Motherhood…Anyway, your anger in this instance may be related to depression. After I went back to work after having P-Bo, I would get really, really pissed at Aaron. And I was never previous mad at Aaron or an angry person. But it was just as you said, I wasn’t really angry with Aaron I had other issues with myself that manifested in anger directed toward my husband. You are smart for figuring that out on your own–I needed counselling! Things are going to be hard at first with two little ones, no doubt about it. But after awhile, you and Chris will figure things out–it’ll just take some time. Two or three years from now when Aaron and I decide to go for baby number two, please remind me of what I just told you because I am SURE I will be freaking out! Deep breaths. We love you!
Katie van der Meer
Your little man will always need his mommy. Isnt it always the case? Children always want mommy. At the moment Chris is playing a role that you are not capable of doing but you will again and there will be no division. If you love your two babes the same, they will both love you as much as their daddy. I was terrified after number two. My husband was going to get out son from his grandmothers to bring him home and I almost had a break down with fear. I thought there was no way I would be able to mother two boys. You know what? I did. It wasnt easy at first but it was still precious. And you’ll be surprised at how soon it becomes the new normal.
Christy
You’ve been pregnant for about 78 weeks now in the last approximately 2-3 years if my calculations are right. I’m sure you’re at the end of your rope by now and I don’t at all blame you for being tired, frustrated, angry, and upset. I do think that Bean will end up loving Gracie and taking pride in his big brother responsibilities. He will be able to help you with her in small ways and this will allow you to bond with him. Just try to keep him involved and give him lots of praise! There will be plenty of love to go around and while you and Chris will have to split up your time in the future, you are in control of setting your own routine that allows you to have time with both kids. I just know it will all work out in the end. You can do this, Katie! Sending yet another internet hug, mamita!
Jordan
Oh goodness, I could’ve written this post. My default reaction is to be angry and yell and snap and I always, always feel guilty as soon as I do it. And then I cry about it. And then I go crawling back to (my) Chris and pretend like I didn’t just act like a hormonal teenager. Glad I’m not the only one! 🙂
And Bean will be just fine and will adjust to his new role as big brother. As the oldest, I was such a mother to my siblings as soon as they were born and took on a responsible role in their lives. I bet Bean will do the same!
Corinn
Katie,
My son was born the July after Bean was born in May and we are due with our second son just 4 weeks after Gracie is due. So, needless to say… I am going through and feeling the EXACT same thing right now. I feel guilty that he won’t be the only child anymore, that we didn’t give him enough time in life as just him, that I can’t play in the floor with him anymore because it kills my big pregnant butt… and all the things you mentioned in this post. I am sure it’s mostly the crazy pregnancy hormones taking over. Just remember you are bringing a sibling into the world for your sweet Bean and that is the best gift you can give him.
and hang in there! You are so close… I still have 6 weeks!
Amy
I wish I knew the right thing to say– but please know that I am thinking of you & sending you virtual hugs 🙂 You ARE a wonderful mother, and will be a wonderful mother to 2 kiddos.
Alyssa
Katie I am right there with you. My son will be 25 months old when Junebug is born and my temper has been so short with him lately and I feel just awful. He’s still my baby and if I feel overwhelmed and stressed now how am I ever going to do it come June? Bean is still so little he will not hold a grudge against you. You are his momma and while playing with daddy a little more now and for the next few months is fun no one will ever ever take your place. No one will ever be his momma except you. Bean is lucky to have 2 parents and grandparents and daycare teachers that love him. His world is full of love, don’t beat yourself up over needed to take a little time out for yourself. A happy family starts with a happy Mom 🙂
Liss
My default emotion is anger, too. It’s not pleasant. I often feel like the entire world is there just to piss me off (I actually can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel like this) and unfortunately, I end up taking it out on the people around me. Especially my partner. And I would do the same – get really angry, then calm down quite quickly and expect hugs and kisses. I had been getting so bad that last week, things came to a very dramatic head, and without going into too much detail – my anger needed to be curbed or things were going to fall apart. I have been trying super, super hard to calm down, and so far so good. I don’t have the added pressure of being pregnant, either – I’m just a really cranky person. I was going to try to write something helpful, but I think Katie van der Meer said it much better than I could – rather than missing things, you’re all just preparing for a change, a good change, and things will settle into a new routine. From what I know of your family from this blog, I just can’t see anything but a whole and loving family of four in your future, with parents that are equally important to both kids. It’s not irrational to be worried – but you know you can do it, and you can do it well!
Sarah @ ExPat Bride
I can’t even imagine the stress you must be under! So give yourself a break and allow yourself the time to be hormonal. I think you need Nicholas Sparks novel or movie and a big fat cry. And then cuddles from your men. 🙂
I’m sure you will handle two children perfectly. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while and I have always admired the poise, grace, and sheer down-to-earthness that radiates from you. You may be having these complicated emotions, but it speaks volumes about you that you are able to see where these emotions are coming from. And even though you may not be able to do anything about them, the fact that the source is recognized means that you are more sane than most. Best wishes for your beautiful family and beautiful future.
Mary Michal
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling worried and anxious. I bet when Gracie gets here it won’t be you and Gracie…and Chris and Bean. Instead I bet it ends up being you, Chris, Bean, and Gracie…one sweet, happy family!
Samantha
Don’t worry!!! It’s not you talking! It’s hormones… (it is!). But I have had 2 c-sections, and within 16 hours of delivering the 2nd babe, I was on 800mg Motrin. I am not a trooper when it comes to pain…. as a matter of fact… I am a big ole baby! So the recovery time will be better!
But still watch out for those hormones… they can sneak right up on ya! 🙂
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
Yeah . . . that’s normal. Horrible, but normal. The finish line is near. Hang in there. And tell Chris that Rich feels for him – big time. 🙂
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
I can’t say I understand the kids aspect since we don’t even have one. Let alone a soon-to-be two. But I get the anger aspect which is now why I always sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” before I react. Typically that’s enough time on the little stuff to give my explosions time to fizzle before I let them out. Not so great on the bigger stuff but I figure Alex is grateful for anything I can do to calm down. Just think by this time next month you’ll be holding Gracie in your arms and watching Bean be Big Bro Bean!
Jen @Caved In
Can’t relate to the having-two-kids part but I was just like that at the end of my pregnancy. I was so mad that I was in so much pain and I couldn’t see my family for Christmas. Poor mike. But he dealt with it bc he knew it was coming to an end soon. You’re almost done girl! Hang in there. Bean is in good hands and you have a wonderful husband.
Staci
I’m just a pregnant mother of a toddler. And I’m hoping that’s a realistic excuse. That these feelings are normal. TOTALLY.
That these feelings are irrational. YEP
That I’m going to get over them. YEP
That Bean will still love me. WITHOUT A DOUBT
That I’ll be able to balance two kids. TOTALLY
That I’ll be able to have a conversation with my husband soon that doesn’t involve erratic emotional outbursts. HOPEFULLY 😉
Long story short? I am worried about having two kids. THIS IS NORMAL
Philippians 4:13
Lindsay (Young Married Mom)
When I get overwhelmed by something with motherhood or pregnancy, I try to think of the billions of women who have done it before. Your mom had two kids, right? And you never doubt how much she loves you both? You’re going to be a wonderful momma-of-two–you already are, with all the love you’re showering over Gracie AND Bean. It’s only going to get better. You will be the exactly the mom your kids need. Just a few more weeks until you see that sweet face and look around at your family of four. Many blessings to you in these last few weeks!
Sara M
At least you are having these feelings now before Gracie gets here. I felt this same way AFTER my second was born…I was “ruining” our perfect family of 3 and how were we going to manage 2 kids. It gets better as you just plow through and get things done. You just figure it out. Now that the second is 20 months old, it is easy stuff! They are 22 months apart.
Julie
I know exactly how you are feeling. And it does get better. But sometimes I still feel guilty about how much time I spend with my baby instead of my little boy…and for not always realizing that he is only 3, because he seems so much older than his little brother.
HeatherM
It stinks that you are feeling so helpless right now. But as I was reading this, I could almost substitute Bean’s name for in your place, and see how he gets frustrated for similar things. “I want to be able to do this, but I can’t right now.” “Being safe is NOT fun. At all.” This isn’t a bad thing, really. Just think of it as a chance to walk in his shoes for a while. It is yet another opportunity God is forcing on you, and the opportunities that you want the least are usually the ones that God uses to teach you the most. The rest will all take care of itself. You will adapt to having two kids just like you did to having a baby in the first place. Your instincts will kick in. You will still find time for Bean, and your family will shower him with love and attention and toys too. Relax, God has this all taken care of, you just haven’t seen how he’s going to make it work yet.
Waiting for Bulgaria
I feel so sorry for you. And don’t forget you are not only big and pregnant and tired but super hormonal right now. And don’t worry, you’ll be able to do more with Bean than you think. When I had a c-section with my son he was down in the NICU. I couldn’t see him unless I could walk the length of the maternity floor twice. You can bet that as soon as I had feeling in my legs, I was up and going. And the truth was, within reason, I did as much as possible. I washed dishes, changed diapers, made bottles, folded clothes, etc. I found that the more I moved the less sore I was. Most of all, don’t worry. You’re a great mom, Bean loves you, and now you’ll have two kiddos to love. 🙂
DeAnna
I have 2 children, 16 months apart in age…not planned that way. They are now 4 and almost 6 yrs old & I am so glad that they are so close in age. It does not seem like it was that long ago that I was in your shoes. I can barely remember what is was like to just have child. It took a few months to find our groove and then it became normal.
Always remember, You will be able to be the Best mother you can be to those children, because YOU are their mother. Oh and remember to breathe and take time outs for yourself! Good luck!
christi McCully
As the mother of two now adults (legally anyway) I can tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. Let me calm your fears a little. The first year is definitely busy but my kids (boy first and a younger sis by 20 months) are great friends. What you have to learn is that as much as you want to do everything for your kids, you can’t. You have to learn to be thankful for folks who help. Including the hubby. Especially the hubby. Your son will be fine, I would even say fabulous. You are giving him the gift of a lifelong friend, confidant, and defender. At least that is how it is with my two!
Sara
I can so relate to what you describe, both the struggle to avoid angry reaction when fatiguesd, frustrated, sad, etc and the fear that you are losing the connection to your son while you work on “growing” the next little one. I felt the same way, was just physically incapable of giving my oldest the time and attention he needed, and as in your case, Daddy stepped in to save the day. This is hard. My baby is now almost 11 months and things improve day by day. The oldest and I have our special times alone while baby brother sleeps, and I am back up to full energy “I can be your dinosaur/robot/scary monster/horsey” mommy. Hang in there!
Lauren
If it makes you feel any better, I am 21 years old. Not pregnant and I do the SAME exact thing… my poor boyfriend.
Maren
I’m 32 and I do that. My poor fiance…he never knows what’s going on or what he did wrong…and it’s usually later that I realize what’s really wrong and then have to decide is it worth it to bring it back up to apologize or should I just leave it alone…*sigh*
Don’t worry about your house being split…because you’re worried about it now, means you’ll work extra hard to make sure you and Gracie are where Chris and Bean are…or vice versa. And once you start recovering from the c-section, Gracie will spend most of her time sleeping, so you’ll have plenty of Mama/Bean time!
Hang it there, you’re in the home stretch!!
Rebecca
My very first thought is “You are a great mom and you are going to do fine”. My second thought is, “Bean loves his mommy and pretty soon he’s going to love his mommy and his new little sister”. My third thought is, “Do not be anxious about anything but with all things present your request to the Lord. And the God of all peace will guard your heart and your mind” Phil 4:6 You are going to be a spectacular mommy of 2…and I can’t wait to read about it!
Beth
I know you have heard this before but please for all the single moms out there be thankful you have a husband that is good to your son and does all of those things for him. Instead of being jealous be proud that Bean has a daddy he can run to and know he is going to be taken care of. So many women are on the opposite end of the spectrum that would give anything for their kids to have a dad to be there and help with scraped knees and give baths. That’s a very very precious thing.
Krista
I feel you Katie – you should have seen me when I was pregnant with #2, it is scary and hard. I had so many worries and guilty feelings. Hang in there. I cannot say it will get easier or that there won’t be anymore tears, but 3 years into have 2 kids, I can say, the tears stop, the routine takes over, you get twice as many hugs and kisses, and your heart holds more love then you could have even imagined.
Leah
I don’t get mad but last night all I wanted was anywhere from 5-30 minutes to myself and cooking dinner and doing laundry didn’t count. I’m mom to a nursing 20 day old who is eating every 2 hours (from the start of the last feeding) day and night. I’m supposed to be pumping to give myself a break but can’t bear it because then that’s all I’d be doing. I haven’t had a shower in 3 days because I can’t bear putting her down when she’s crying and last night my typically wonderfully helpful husband decided to go lay down at 8pm and fell asleep. I finally got Hailey happy for 5 minutes in her swing and went to get ready for bed. She started crying again so my getting ready for bed involved slamming doors, turning on lights and in general throwing a nonverbal tantrum over the fact that my husband was sleeping. Needless to say he took the hint ad got up and took over for an hour and I balled over the fact that I got so mad. Gotta love exhaustion and hormones.
kAT
I, too, am in the same boat. Due with #2 just 13 days after #1 will turn two. I wonder if she’s going to hate me, if I’ll like him as much as I love her….I just look around and think if all these other moms can do it, then I can do. And so can you. The first week or two will be rough with the recovery (I’m a csection woman, too, unfortunately) but then I’m sure you’ll find your zone! At least I hope so, because I’ll be looking to you saying….see, she can do it, so can I! Good luck!
Sara @ embrylovescookies
Oh, I remember feeling the EXACT same things when I was pregnant with my second. So, yes, it is totally normal to be feeling this way. It WILL be hard, especially the first few weeks with a new baby. You will feel like you don’t have enough time for your oldest and especially your husband. But time will pass and it will get easier. And after the rough part you’ll have this perfect little family who loves you and who knows how much you love them. Hang in there!
Leslie Knight
We don’t have any kids. But we have two dogs. Does that count? Anyways.. I also default to anger. And take it out on my poor husband. And then I make him talk through it with me before I figure out what is really going on with me. Little things set me off, and I know it’s confusing and frustrating for him because he doesn’t know what to do with me either. So just know you are not alone.
Nikki
Hang in there Katie! While I don’t have any kiddos quite yet, I understand how tough it must be for you right now. Bean knows how much you care for him and Chris does too! By the way I’m usually a pretty snappy person, but my Fiance is such a patient person and he calmly calls me on it when I do snap. It’s funny, but I didn’t even notice when I would do it, so now I actually recognize it and apologize right after saying something, both of us knowing that I didn’t mean it. I’m a lucky gal.
Heather
I had 2 kids 2 years apart, boy first, then girl and let me tell you that you will get through this. I had 2 c sections and I was worried about my son going to daddy more than me but it will all even out. Right now is just a stressful time because it is a huge step from just having 1 child to having 2. You will get through it. They are very normal feelings. Just hang in there 🙂
momiss
I feel terrible for you, but I have walked the road you’re walking down, girl. You know how before you gave birth you were all nervous about doing it right and scared to do it at all? I know you had a c section, but if you give birth naturally it just happens, regardless of how you do anything and after it doesn’t matter because you have the baby and that’s the main thing, right? Well, so it i with having more than 1 child. You’re job is not to do it perfectly. Your job is simply to trust that what God brought you to, He will also bring you through. Do not worry about your fears, just trust that everything will be different and you won’t be able to remember how you did it because all that matters in the end is that you got the baby. Right? RIGHT! Also, there is no better or lifelong gift you can give your children than each other. Believe it. Praying for you to find your strength. I know it’s there. 🙂
Tressa
I have to agree with comment #26. My kids (now adults 23 and 21) are still very close with each other. Yes, it’s hard at first, raising kids is hard, but well worth it. That sibling bond is like no other! I think you will find that you can and will do more with Beanie then you think right now. I’m betting Bean also will understand whats going on more once Gracie is born. Katie, remember Chris loves you unconditionally, for better or worse, good, bad and ugly! When he’s going through mid-life crisis, you can repay the unconditional love!! Wished I could give you a great big, tight mama bear hug! Praying for you 😉
Gale
I saw on your FB page that today is also Bean’s last day of school…so he’ll quickly revert to seeing you as the primary caregiver! And now on to the unsolicited advice: When I had my second (and third), I discovered that we all did better if I could either arrange a play date or mother’s day out type program for the older one(s) on a somewhat regular basis. Since Bean is so used to going to school, maybe it would be helpful for you to look into a program at your church, local community center, or even if his current school would let him come on a part time basis. I also worried about keeping my oldest busy enough, and that was a great solution for us. Can’t wait to see pictures of your little Swiss Cake Roll, errr, darling baby girl.
Teresa
Late in pregnancy, everybody gets a bit crazy.
Just remember to take those deep breaths and be thankful that you have the help of your husband. I was a single mom for 6 years and had to it all by myself. Now that I’m married and have a 5 year old, it’s really good to be able to let Daddy take care of a lot of things and give me a break! Hang in there, you’ll be just fine. I’ll be praying for you.
Jen D.
Ok, I totally am the same way with going from 0-60 in .5 seconds! My husband and your husband would sulk together! I want to tell you that I have an almost 2 year old and a 4 week old. I was so concerned over feeling like I was abandoning my oldest or that I was slighting her by having a 2nd {unplanned} baby so close to her age. BUT! She has done amazing so far and you know what? It just happened. And your Bean will just adapt because that’s what kids do. I had to make myself stop thinking about me ruining her childhood and remember that I was giving her a sibling! Also…remember that Bean won’t remember life before Gracie!
Sarah
you can do it. if any one can, it’s you:) i have no idea how hard this must be but i know you can do it:) thank you so much for sharing honestly with your readers.
kk
Yay for Gracie coming soon!!! Stay safe and we all can’t to meet her!
kk
can’t wait i mean..
Tressa
I do not do Twitter, but I saw yours!! SO STINKIN EXCITED FOR YOU ALL!!!!!! It’s almost over Katie 😉 Time for family of four! Praying for you and will stalk this site like no other waiting to meet your princess!
Shana A
congrats on Gracie, she’s beautiful!!
Sarah Franklin
Its hard, heartbreaking, and wonderful being momma to two little ones. Mine are just about the same distance apart as yours and the 2.5/9months is rough, but it gets better and they get so in love with each other. Hang in there, just like with one, its a wonderful and bumpy ride. Gracie is beautiful.
Waiting for Bulgaria
Since I don’t twitter or tweet or whatever, I’m just gonna comment here. Yay! and Congratulations! 🙂
Michaela
I too don’t have twitter like all the cool kids, but also needed to add my sincere congratulations! She is utterly adorable! I just want to eat her all up.
Hope you guys have a nice restful first few days and I can’t wait to hear all about her!
Tressa
She truly is a princess! Adorable. I hope everything went smooth and cant wait to hear more about her and how Beanie is doing with being a BIG brother now! Praying for you all! Congratulations 😉