Stage Four Clinger
I should start this off by saying that I am not an especially touchy-feely person. I’m not a hugger. I’m not a cuddler. I like my own personal space. So does Chris. So does Bean. Which is why Gracie has me baffled. Gracie, staying true to my assessment that she is EX-ACTLY like her Aunt Ginny, is a clinger. The most extreme clinger, actually. Chris and I call her a Stage Four Clinger.
Gracie needs to be touching me about 80% of the time. And of that 80% of the time, 90% of that time is spent trying to either:
a) crawl into my lap
b) crawl up into my arms
c) crawl back inside the womb
Seriously. I’ve never seen such a clingy baby. And it’s not like she’s clinging to everyone. She’s clinging to ME.
This first started happening as soon as she started crawling, and it has gotten much worse since she has started walking. And it’s gotten even worse than that since I’ve been home with her this summer. At first, I gave in and just carried her everywhere. Mostly because I didn’t want to listen to her crying all the time. But around a year old, it was like my eyes opened and I realized that I was just making the situation worse by giving in to her. So, I very lovingly started to not pick her up when she cried. I would sit down beside her, or I’d hold her hand and let her walk with me where ever I was going, but I tried not to pick her up.
Which was hard because she’s cute. And she cries loudly.
For the past two months, this is the approach I’ve been using. When she’s whining to be picked up, I give her a good snuggle (with both her feet on the floor) and then I either help her find something to do or I bring her along with me so she can come where ever I am, walking on her own. But the crying is constant.
(And before anyone asks, yes, we’ve checked her ears and they are fine. My first thought was that she had another ear infection, but I’ve taken her to the doctor two or three times and she’s been fine.)
I’ve heard that for clingy babies, you should just ignore them. And I have tried that. But, I’m only okay with crying it out if it fixes the problem. I understand ignoring their crying so that babies and toddlers learn that crying won’t necessarily get them their way. But, it’s been two months and Gracie doesn’t seem to be changing at all. And as hard as I can be, I just don’t feel comfortable letting Gracie cry-it-out when that doesn’t seem to be helping.
So, for the past week or so, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with Miss Gracie. I certainly can’t carry her around for the rest of her life, but crying it out isn’t working either. Like I do when I make any kind of parenting decision, I have tried to think about Gracie’s needs. And she has very different needs than Bean ever did. She’s her own little person, so what worked with him doesn’t necessarily work with her. I have been trying to figure out how to get her to be more independent, like Bean, in a manner that is more comfortable for Gracie.
I’m still not sure what the answer is to this (and if anyone has suggestions, feel free to chime in by leaving a comment!), but I figured out that when Gracie wants to be held, she doesn’t really want to be held for as long as I first imagined. I thought when she wanted to be picked up, she never wanted to be put down again. Now, I’m discovering that if I pick her up for a minute or two, she hangs for a minute and then wiggles to get back down again. That makes me wonder if maybe she doesn’t need me as much as I worried. Maybe she just needs to know I’m still there. This week, I’ve been picking her up a little more often. Still not every time she cries for it, but about every other time. I’ll pick her up, snuggle her a bit, love on her, tickle her, and then put her back down again. Sometimes, she goes on her merry way after that, and sometimes she keeps crying. I definitely don’t have a solution for this clingy little dilemma yet, but I’m trying to get a better handle on it.
I’m learning with Gracie how true the saying is that every baby is different. Gracie is her own little person. She has her own needs, and she reacts differently to things than Bean did. Because of that, I know that she needs to be raised differently than he will, just like I know that, as a teacher, I can’t teach the same way to every student. Parenting needs to be individualized to each child’s needs. I’m just having a little trouble figuring out what that looks like.
26 Comments
Sarah H.
I know a few friends with babies like this–I think they just cuddle and hug for a minuet or so and then let the child go back to playing. Like you’re doing. It is interesting how different kids are–Natalie plays in her room by herself so long sometimes I’m like doesn’t she know her Momma needs some snuggles and hugs?! She doesn’t even say Momma, but she attempts to say flower–what gives! Haha
Meghan
My only friendly advice is to gently suggest that you will not need to carry her forever, and there will come a time (probably quicker than you might think) when she WON’T want you to hold her, snuggle her, etc. The independence will come….I doubt as a teenager, tween, or even elementary schooler, she’ll want you to cuddle her much! I have very “touchy” children, and it can definitely be tiring…..but I remind myself that they won’t always want to sit in my lap or have me hold them. I’d rather indulge them a little and revel the moments they want the physical contact than give it up when they’re little. They’re only little once, and she is just over one (and your last?)!
Alyssa
I feel for you, I really do. My Drew is a clinger. He’s 3 and since day 1 he’s been stuck to me, constantly. I didn’t set out to be a baby-wearing, co-sleeping hippie but you become the parent your kid needs you to be, not the parent you thought you would be. Kara (who is 1) is way more independent. She plays on her own and gets antsy when I rock her too long. Drew is constantly climbing all over me, crawling in my lap, won’t play without me, must be touching me at every waking moment. I bought an Ergo to tote Kara around but instead Drew rides in it, seriously. And by the way he’s 32 pounds and I can wear it for hours before my back needs a break. It drives me nuts but I indulge him, he’s only going to be little once and I guarantee that in a few short years when my baby boy is too big to crawl into my lap I will miss these days.
Leah
When you figure it out let me know. I have one like that too. Hailey is a clinger mainly to me though sometimes it helps if her daddy holds her near me but usually it’s combined with little whimpers that she can’t actually be with me. I think it’s that she wants to be at my level and see what I’m doing (i.e. Kitchen, bathroom sink, etc). I’m trying to tackle it that way and it seems to help. Still exhausting but helpful. She’s a month older than Gracie. I’m ready for her to be steady and secure enough that I can get a stool for her to have near me all the time instead of my hip. I’m 26 weeks into pregnancy #2 and my hips and back are feeling the results of the cling!
Sandy
in about 15 years you will kill for those hugs!
Rebecca
She still very small and in a blink of an eye she’ll be 5. Enjoy it! Because another blink, blink and off to collage!
Anna
You said something that seems so key – she just wants to snuggle for a minute or two. I’m finding that when someone reaches out to hold my daughter (almost 6 months), she’ll sometimes turn her head into my shoulder/chest but once after a few moments (this can literally be 5-10 seconds) she’ll reach out to the person. It really seems like she just wants to mak sure that her mon is there before she’s able to explore this new person. It could just be Gracie needs to check in and make sure her world is secure before continuing with her day.
Hilda
We tend to like or accept behavior that is more like our behavior. You wrote “I’m not a hugger. I’m not a cuddler. I like my own personal space. So does Chris. So does Bean.” And Gracie (at least at this age) does not. Why not give her what she needs? She needs these short moments of hugs or reassurance right now for whatever reason. I am sure the more hugs she gets the more secure she will be and soon she won’t need you as much as she does right now.
Leah
I thought about this some more last night and one thing that has cut down on the whining for us is me teaching her the word “up”. So now she still grabs my leg but if she’s crying I get down to her level and remind her that I won’t pick her up unless she says “up please” and then I say “say thank you mommy” once she’s up. I get alot of “uh uh uh uh” all day with her pulling on my legs/shorts/dress but it’s better than screaming or even whining until I pick her up.
Sarah H.
Oh and I LOVE the pictures of Gracie in her suit! Adorable 🙂
Alaina
Oh my gosh, her bathing suit…so cute!
That’s tough – I’m curious what solutions people have…
Jenna
I know this is off subject, but OH the pigtails!! 🙂
Aunt Ginny
Don’t hate on us huggers! 🙂 I think you are doing a great job of trying to meet her needs and encouraging healthy independence. I know you give her all the attention and cuddles that she needs and I’m sure she’s just going through a phase of learning how to sustain herself while still seeking your comfort. Keep it up, mama!
Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure
I can honestly say that once a clinger always a clinger. And I’m a grown woman who annoys my hubby just because I like to hug every so often. 🙂 Gracie is who she is and she is freaking adorable. Especially in that second picture.
kelly h
Is there anything cuter then a chubby baby belly in a pink two piece?! I die. I don’t know how you don’t hold her all the time she’s so stinkin cute!
Kat
So Peanut went through this, starting around 8 months and is just at the tail end of it. I actually read a bunch on this whole clingy/etc and it’s a natural even in the baby’s life and although I’m no suggesting that you give in to every little whine of hers, I did read/heard from our pediatrician that this clinginess is part of their development and it’s not a bad thing. I do pick Peanut up a lot and I hug her a lot and you know what? It’s ending on its own. She’s less clingy and now just brings her toys over to where I am to play next to me. I think as long as you’re reasonable, which you totally strike me like you are, it’s fine to give in when you can and to let her feel secure and comforted and then letting her down to play.
Besides, now P comes over to me from time to time and just gives me a hug, a pat on the back, and lays her head on my shoulder and I am not sure if she would be doing that if I always let her cry it out.
For the record, we did do cry it out for her sleep training so I’m totally not being a wimp. i really do believe that this, as are many things, is a natural development stage and that she’s going to grow out of it.
denny144
Try to “schedule” frequent, quick hug or touch breaks that you initiate before Gracie asks to be held. If you beat her to it, her little hug meter will fill up and she’ll feel more confident and won’t need so much reassurance.
Rachel
I have always approached these situations with the thought that if she needs me, there is a reason. I would think this is a natural stage Gracie is going through. I have a carrier that I use with my daughter is especially clingy, so I can carry her around on my back and get work done. She gets to see what I am doing and get some snuggles at the same time.
Laura B
I’m on baby #3 and my best gentle suggestion, is that you not look at this as a problem. She wants to be held for some reason (comfort, closeness, love, communication, whatever). She WILL grow out of it but she may always want to be close to you. That’s okay! I wouldn’t push her to be more independent, after all, she’s only 1! Soak it up, hold her when it works for you and remember that the time really does fly by. And I swear, my four year old is still trying to find a way back into my uterus. So I truly do understand where you’re coming from!
Jen @ Ginger Guide
Sullivan is the same way right now. It’s “mimeeeee” all day long. He wants nothing to do with Mike and just sticks to me like velcro. I try to just sit with him and play or give a quick snuggle. Sometimes it works, sometimes not but I know it’s just a phase so it won’t last forever. And as others have said, sometimes I just enjoy the snuggles because he won’t want to do this forever.
Carlene
One of the 13 month olds in my class is a Stage 4 clinger as well. Its exhausting! I’ve been talking to him a lot more and it seems to be helping. When he cries and screams to be picked up, I tell him, “Aaron, I’m bay right now, but as soon as I’m done making this bottle/changing this diaper/filling out this paperwork I’ll play with you.” Then I sit down on the ground and engage him, rather than picking him up. If its going to be a few minutes until I can do that, I let him hang on my leg while I sing songs with his name on it. This way he’s getting the one-on-one attention he craves, but not rewarding him for screaming. And I still have two hands to take care of other things.
Dessi
My little man is just 4 months, so I’m still getting parenting “instruction” from everyone and their mother…wanted or not. So many people (especially older generations, I’ve found) stress crying it out, making him independent..blah blah. With all do respect, I am a clinger, my son is a clinger, and I cherish these moments! He has changed so much in 4 months that before I know it, mommy won’t even be cool enough to hold hands with 🙁 I know this isn’t the solution you are looking for, but know that you are not alone and you’re a great mommy no matter what!
Calypso
Hey chicadee… Gracie won’t be 18 and still need you to hold her. Just give her what she needs right now, indulge her… you’ll miss this age and you’ll miss her needing you, wanting you all to herself.
Erin D
even if it is true, “do it now cause one day you won’t have to anymore and you’ll wish you could!” is a NONSENSE thing to say. makes me crazy! do not talk to me about 18 years from now! meet me where i am! i don’t know WHAT the answer is, but i think i’d probably try what you’re trying. pick up for a minute, then divert. ooh want to do (fun new activity)?! want to show (brother/sister/dad/dog) how you can (do whatever independently)?!
every time i have to say “i can’t hold you right now baby” i wonder if i’m doing some type of long-term damage, but man. sometimes, i just can’t hold you right now baby!
HeatherM
First of all, I would definitely bring this up with your pediatrician, to rule out other sources of pain, such as if she is having reflux problems again, or even something else. Also, I would try to keep track of the time of day when this happens, as it may give you some clues- is it when she is hungry, just woke up from a nap, or needs to go down for a nap? Or is it when she has been up and running around for a while? Perhaps she is getting regular headaches or something and just can’t tell you.
From another perspective, you mentioned that when Gracie cries, you try to snuggle her for just a bit, and then send her on her way. But from Gracie’s perspective, that means that if she cries, she will get her way at least a little bit. Remember that some kids act out (aka intentionally get in trouble) for attention, and other kids cry. Gracie will naturally choose a different method to get your attention than Bean did, because you have already caught on to the acting-out-for-attention thing with him and know just how to respond to it. So try the “Catch them being good” method. Use your attention and affection as a reward, just as you had to do with Bean in the past. When Gracie is being good and calm and NOT crying for attention, catch her and give her some snuggles. Teach her that the way to get your attention is through GOOD behavior, not through crying. Good luck, and keep us posted! It is always nice to know if and when our comments from the peanut gallery are helpful.
HeatherM
I really liked Leah’s comment about teaching the word “up.” She brought up a great point about how babies at this age can really use crying as communication when it is time for them to start using their words. This is especially so if they have an older sibling to “translate” their cries and fusses. Gracie is old enough for you to start saying things like “use your words.” And my guess is that as she masters those words better, she will be better able to tell you what she really wants and needs.