To Clarify
Wowzers, Imaginary Friends! Way to get my back when I’m in a fight! Holy moley! But I should clarify in an effort to defend my ego-battered husband. Sometimes I forget that you all aren’t living my life right beside me. I share so much on the blog that I sometimes forget that I don’t share EVERYTHING, so when I leave out critical information it can really give the wrong impression. When I write something that elicits such passionate feedback, I debate about how to respond. Usually, I decide not to respond at all in order to let the subject die. Why rehash or poke the flames? But this issue was about something bigger than just you all responding (which was awesome, by the way – I was giggling all day long!). I thought about it this weekend. I couldn’t understand why Chris’s comments were such a bigger deal to you guys than it was to me, why you all got so mad and I didn’t. And then I realized it was because I wrote a very short post about a very big topic, and in doing so I think I just confused everyone.
First of all, I hear you all loud and clear on the right to have a girls night out every now and then. It’s good for my sanity. But I get a night out at LEAST once a week, I assure you. Whether it’s popping out for grocery shopping all by myself (heaven!), or meeting a friend for coffee, or going shopping, or just having a chance to sit in a Barnes and Noble and read a book in peace. Chris has always been really good about giving me my time because he knows that I’m the type of person who needs some alone time – from my kids, my husband, my family, my friends – everyone! I need some time alone to keep my head sane, and since Chris prefers me sane to insane, he’s always given that to me.
Secondly, his comment about my being irresponsible was not a statement he made about me as a person. He just thought that the timing of my night out was wrong, and looking back I agree with him. It wasn’t just that I went out on a random night and shopped. It was that I had some really important deadlines and things to take care of – things that could have cost our family a LOT of money if I had dropped the ball. I know I didn’t go into much detail about that but that’s because it was about money and obligations that I don’t talk about on my blog, so you all had no idea. But that’s the back story. There were some really, really, REALLY important things I needed to take care of and instead I put my night out above those things. Both Chris and I are firm believers in work first and play later, and that was his main point. I had played first and almost messed up some really important things for our family because of it. Chris does not throw criticisms around lightly, so it had to have been a pretty big thing if he spoke up about it.
Lastly, let’s put all the other stuff aside. The working or the playing or the dinner or the shopping. The blog post was a simple story about a much more important subject. Yes, that night was a big deal and I did screw up my priorities for that one night. But the real subject here is communication in a marriage. My husband should be able to say to me, “Hey, I think you’re being a little irresponsible,” without me (or you, you incredibly loyal imaginary friends!) getting angry back at him. Whether a comment or statement is true or not, if that’s how someone feels in a marriage, then they should be able to say it. That doesn’t mean that they are right every time, but it does mean that they should be able to voice those concerns, especially when they relate to the welfare of the entire family. Now, I had the same knee-jerk reaction that you all did. I was PISSED that he was calling me out. LIVID. I slammed doors and fumed all night about it. But when the smoke cleared and the anger subsided, I realized that I had done just what I get angry at Chris for doing – for getting mad when I get mad.
I think one of the hardest parts of being married is the part where spouses hold each other accountable. Man, I hate that part sometimes. Because they KNOW. They of all people KNOW. They know you better than anyone, so if THEY are speaking out about something, then it hits that deep spot in your gut that no one else can hit. But I think it is essential for married couples to speak honestly to each other. If we never challenge each other to be better people, then how will we ever grow?
The key is that the criticisms have to come from a place of love. That’s probably why you all got so defensive and jumped all over Chris last week in your comments. You ain’t in love with him! So his remark probably just seemed harsh. At the time, they felt harsh to me, too, but there’s a difference. I love Chris, and I know that he loves me, and so when he reminds me that I’m not being the best version of myself, it hits me a little differently.
Yes, the word “irresponsible” is not a pretty word. No one wants to be called that. And if anyone else had called me that…well… let’s just say that them’s fightin’ words. But because I know my husband loves me and only wants me to be the best version of myself, that word may still not be pretty, but it’s pretty darn constructive.
It takes thick skin to be married, kids. But that’s they way you want it sometimes. You want someone who reminds you that you’re a better person than the way you might be behaving on one random Wednesday night. You want someone who isn’t afraid to call you out when you’re out of line. You want someone who lifts you up to be a better person even when you just want to ignore all your responsibilities. And you want someone who does all of that not because they see your flaws, but because they think you are better than your flaws.
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15 Comments
Tawny
Amen, Sister!
Michelle | Letters from Boston
Great, and insightful, post…thanks for sharing it! It’s such an important thing to realize that husbands (or wives!) really, truly not only want what’s best for us, but also want us to be the best versions of ourselves. We just have to help each other get there!
Christy
I guess we won’t burn him at the stake this time around. ; ) You kind of made it sound like he locked you up in the basement (…or attic in Florida) and you had a moderate form of Stockholm syndrome or something but I completely understand feeling that way! For example, my husband, made me dinner, gave me a massage and a pedicure today (it’s finals time and I’m burnt out bad and being irresponsible *ahem* and making my own life difficult) but if you asked me how I felt about him 5 minutes ago it would not have been pretty. I guess that’s part of a passionate relationship. I really don’t understand it but it’s good like 90% of the time…maybe 85% if you want to average out 10 years of life events…good and bad.
Amanda
I was kinda feeling bad for all the negativity bring sent Chris’ way on that post. Figured there was more to it since you were over it and having a laugh. Some from true thoughts about thick skin and marriage. Marriage is one tough gig but Totally worth it if you are in love.
Rebecca @ The Reluctant Housewife
ha! I read the post that you’re talking about, but never read any of the comments and just thought, “Yep. That’s how marriage works” and thought about all the times that Brad and I snap at each other, or pout, or whatever… and then the smoke clears, we apologize and we sit on the couch and watch tv together… and all is forgotten. Marriage is so unlike any other relationship I’ve ever had before, and it’s hands down the best things ever.
Talia Nuckolls
I really appreciate you speaking the truth in love and rebuking us and sticking up for your hubby who loves you and for admitting when you were wrong. You’re a smart, growing girl and I love reading your life and being encouraged to press on in mine.
Rheannon Walls
I can relate (in a way). I’ve told stories or shared bits of things with my ex and mine’s relationship and it took me a bit to realize the people were taking it all wrong simply because they weren’t there to experience the ENTIRE story. I found myself having to explain what I did wrong alot. (Taught me never to judge on that kinda stuff cause if you aren’t IN the relationship, you only know random bits of it.)
I love your honesty 🙂 it really shows how much you love him. (And its nice not to feel like the only one when I read things I’ve been through in your posts about you and Chris)
Ashley @ A Recipe for Sanity
I’m actually kind of surprised that there was such a reaction to that post because I didn’t think Chris said anything wrong at all! I thought you conveyed his point pretty well. But sometimes our emotions get in the way and we defend people who don’t really need it at the moment! Poor Chris! 🙂
Jamie
I commented on that post, but I do hope that Chris didn’t take my words as an attack. I understand that marriage is an intricate web and I think it’s awesomet that you did a whole other post to defend your man!
Jamie
Hah, ok, so I went back and read my comment…maybe I was a little hard on Chris. But I swear its only because I have been in the same situation before. My emotions came from a well-meaning place. It was less of an attack on Chris and more of an attack on my own husband. Sorry Chris!!!
Alaina
We all have those days 🙂 And usually both are at fault, even though i hate to admit it when I am. 🙂
Katie N.
Amen, sister! You’re so right that husbands know you best – in a way that no one else can know you – and, therefore, when they dare to make a suggestion (ok, a criticism!), it stings in a way that only they can. And, the reason it stings so much is because they are probably right :). Plus, it’s always hard to admit when we’re being a crappier version of ourselves.
Anyway, we’ve all been there, and all of our sweet husbands have been in Chris’ shoes too. Don’t worry, the blogosphere still loves you BOTH and knows you have a fabulous marriage, otherwise we wouldn’t be reading!
Jill G.
I read your blog because I appreciate your honesty. You tell it like it is when you talk about your marriage. Being newly married, it’s nice to know that married people argue and struggle with communication regardless of how long they’ve been married. Thanks for always opening yourself and your marriage up for criticism. You are helping people even if you don’t know it!
Cal
Great update, I didn’t see anything wrong with the other post. I have a tendency to want to Play then Work and sometimes my husband has to call me out on it. It sounds like he wasn’t mad about you going out, but that it was bad timing and it caused a bad morning for your family because of it. Marriage is tough work especially with kids. I really appreciate hearing your perspective!
Chloe
No we did not know the whole story, we never do. It goes to show though, we got yo back! (Chris’ too, by the way).
You’re lovely 🙂